Non issue?

LegacyUser

Got back with ex/boyfriend after 3 months apart. He told me he was with someone in that time, fair enough as he was a single man. He says it was a one night thing, knew her from before our relationship but wouldn’t have been friends with her. I’m very uncomfortable that he has this girl on social media-Facebook and Snapchat, don’t know if they text. He says it’s a non issue but I find it a bit strange and some what disrespectful, is it mountain/molehill?

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

It depends on why you went on a break, and if theres anything else that would make you question his intentions. It isnt a great sign to hop in and out of a relationship and go around sleeping with other people at the same time. It is disrespectful. Personally I would nail that door shut.

LegacyUser

To be fair I believe the issue is not that he was with someone which she accepted but that he still has contact? If it’s a dealbreaker end it before she causes huge drama for you. It probably is an element of jealousy. I’d be wary as to why she’s still around even if only social media if as you pointed out it was one night and they aren’t old friends or anything.

Big Bag of Chips

Why did you break up? 3 months isn't very long to 'change' whatever the issue was that caused you to break up in the first place. And not only are you now getting back together with that issue/those issues still valid, you are now also bringing in a new issue.

To be honest, I don't think it would bother me. Your ex/boyfriend has a history. There may well be people in his friends list who he slept with previously, before you started going out. Often in friends circles someone will sleep with someone and they can continue to be acquaintances and social media 'friends' without it having any significant meaning whatsoever.

Him sleeping with someone who is one of a couple of hundred 'friends' wouldn't be an issue, I think. However, whatever caused you to break up originally and the fact that you are already questioning things about the relationship would mean you're not convinced. There are plenty other fellas out there. Why put yourself through the headwreck?

leggo

Two different, conflicting issues at play:

1) Should you have to delete previous partners off social media when you're with someone? I say no, I personally strongly resist any attempts by any partner to have control over what I do on social media or anything like that. A successful relationship requires trust, which requires both people to be able to do what they like and not having to account for their every move with a partner. If you find that doing so leaves you uneasy or unhappy, boom you have a trust issue. Then you have to figure out if that issue is based off your partner's actions and behaviour or your own anxiety/insecurity.

2) Having said that, I also consider keeping what I call "Plan B's" as cheating, in other words keeping other people sweet in case your relationship doesn't work out etc. So once in a relationship, I'd reset any interactions I had with someone to how they were when I wasn't single, and expect the same in return. I put it that way because stuff can happen with friends that harms nobody while single but creates an issue when you're not. So, in this case, if he's keeping in contact when he wouldn't have before then that's a "Plan B" and I'd say it's foul play.

You say you're not sure if they are keeping in contact, have you asked him? Have you any reason to doubt he's telling the truth?

LegacyUser

Big difference between a previous partner and a one night thing. Previous partner comes with feelings, history, sometimes kids and a one night stand comes with well .....a night of sex and usually not much more

Katgurl

This wouldn't bother me OP but I dont think that's the point, it bothers you. Stuff would bother me that probably wouldn't bother you.

It is highly likely he has forgotten they are even connected on social media. Also, if they had a one night stand and it was never repeated what does that tell you? There was no interest there even for a casual repeat.

Anyway if this is causing you genuine distress I think you should tell him. But don't go on the attack. Try "I know this might seem silly but I hate that you're still friends on social media. I am trying to not be bothered that you slept with her and I do want things to work out between us but I don't get why you want to stay in touch?"

This way you haven't gone on the attack so he doesn't need to defend himself. He will hopefully put your mind at rest. However if he is really stubborn and pigheaded to the point that being right is more important than your feelings then I don't know how you are going to proceed.

Xterminator

Hi Op

he was with a girl he knew for one night during a 3 month break.

You have no indication of any ongoing communication, no reason to suspect anything, but feel uncomfortable that he may still have an innocent social media connection with this person, who has been his friend for some time?

Do you think he should just block this friend? For what reason?

i would very much advise you that this is your issue. wanting to control your partners social media feed seems well OTT. If you have reason to suspect something illicit that's a totally different situation. But based on current information - you are out of line.

Emme

OP you're going to have to suck it up and forget it if you want to stay with him. You were on a break of 3 months, he had a one night with a female acquaintance and they might have been on each other's social media before that. He chose to stay with you, you're back together, so what's the big deal?

The reality is that any half-decent man is going to be approached by women pronto if he's single no matter how recent the break-up. Men move on more quickly than women and I think one reason for that is that women make moves on newly single men very fast. Many men who are just out of relationships or on a break have numerous one-night-stands which mean nothing to them or even short rebound relationships which also mean nothing to them.

Your boyfriend was technically single during the 3 month break and alcohol might have been involved in the one night stand. No matter how it started that night he decided he wanted to be with you. If you tell him to block her on social media it will look like you are making a fuss - did you have the break over issues like this in the first place? In fairness his one night stand probably matters far more to you than to him.

Katgurl

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

he was with a girl he knew for one night during a 3 month break.

You have no indication of any ongoing communication, no reason to suspect anything, but feel uncomfortable that he may still have an innocent social media connection with this person, who has been his friend for some time?

Do you think he should just block this friend? For what reason?

i would very much advise you that this is your issue. wanting to control your partners social media feed seems well OTT. If you have reason to suspect something illicit that's a totally different situation. But based on current information - you are out of line.

I don't think her reaction is particularly unusual. As I have said it wouldn't bother me but I think it would bother many people.

I've noticed being deleted by people I might have some sort of history with over the years after they've gotten together with someone. Or I've been deleted and have no idea when it happened. They're not good friends of mine and it doesn't bother me especially as there wasn't much of a friendship to maintain. I know lots of girls who wouldn't be happy in OP's situation. Unfair to suggest she is the problem.