work problems

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I moved home to a new job approx 8 months ago. Things were going OK until the new year came in. I felt as if I was settling in and my new workmates seemed like a sound bunch. Things changed in the new year however and one workmate in particular began to single me out a bit. Now I am quite a shy individual and I do realise I can be hard to get to know quickly, however, once you do get to know me I am OK it probably just takes a bit longer. However this work mate began to say it to me about being quiet. While I thought he was trying to get to know me, things began to take a sharp negative turn. I was beginning to be left out of the group by not being asked to eat out with them at lunchtime. I would literally go up to an empty canteen not knowing what was going on or where the group was. When I complained about it I was only told by that workmate I was too quiet. I felt awful and really began to doubt myself, I felt I was participating in conversations, jokes etc but was I participating enough??? Was I coming across as too quite and boring???? And even if I was, what harm was I to anyone??? Surely there was no harm in asking? I thought everything was OK but obviously things werent.

The worst came when the same workmate also literally verbally attacked me in the canteen one day about my social life. He knew I got very uncomfortable with it but kept on going with his tirade. I did compose myself and I fought back and stood up for myself a bit that day but the atmosphere was just toxic between us for a few days.

I also found out on the off chance that there are work nights out being organised and that I wasnt even asked or even knew that things were happening at least not until they are over. Tonight is a case in point, I only found out on the off chance that a night out was being organised literally as I was walking out the door. All the nights so far (that I know of) have been organised by that same colleague. I found this information out from another colleague but I get the feeling that I am not wanted.

I have worked in other places before and I have never really come across this type of behaviour before. Usually everybody is included and it is usually up to yourself as to whether you want to go or not. I am not even getting the opportunity to go or not. If I was asked it would be OK. Is this a classic case of bullying??? Im really feeling isolated there at the moment? Is there anything I can do about this? should I change jobs again??

This colleague is very popular with the others there. We are in the same age group but I fear risking making my time there worse if I report him as others can turn against me too. I just want to get on there with the others and to be respected for who I am and to feel included. While there is stuff I would love to change about myself, I just cant change evetything. There is also no HR in this company as it is very small approx 30 people. It just feels like a bit of a hell the last while

Batgurl

If the work nights out are sponsored by, or officially under the mantle of “company nights out” then being left out is bullying.

BUT if these are just people who work together, going out together on their own time and dime, and nothing to do with work, then you just need to suck it up that they don’t want to be your friend. You can try and fit in better or leave them at it.

Or find a new job.

Rubberchikken

You're doing all the right things. Just remember you dont owe this person anything. His behaviour smacks of insecurity and bullying and you can choose to ignore it or report it.
Whether you're quiet or not is not his concern. He has no right to comment on it negatively or not.
This type of petty behaviour seems so childish and something that shouldnt even happen in primary school. So its pathetic and shameful when an adult is doing it.
Ignore him. Dont bother responding to his pettiness. Rise above it and him and dont give him the satisfaction.
Good luck

zoobizoo

Wow. What a dick.

I would have been quiet at work getting on with a few people and felt awkward on nights out but I got empathy from Co workers who became friends..... Never was I made to feel bad about it.

There are those who see quiet people as a threat. I've been threatened before, not in a work situation, by someone who thought my quietness was me sitting in judgment of him. Bizarre.

Chat to people you get on with. Ignore those who are dicks.


I remember thinking when younger that people who were louder were more popular... More often than not those empty vessels are disliked.

Airyfairy12

I'm quiet myself but used to be much worse because of social anxiety, some people I encountered through work or university who were very extroverted would try to make me feel very uncomfortable - ask inappropriate questions, push me around and generally act like dicks.. others would try to 'help' by trying to 'bring me out my shell' - Sometimes people can be really disrespectful and rude, some people think anyone different from themselves is flawed and sometimes people will see your shyness as weakness.
I assume from your post that your workmates all knew each other before you starting working there, its hard to break into a fully formed group for most people but being quiet and reserved makes it extra difficult. Some groups will be open and make the effort to include others but allot of the time people exclude others who dont fit in with everyone else.
Unfortunately they dont have to invite you if they dont want to, maybe they feel it would be awkward having you there especially if some members of the group dont like you very much, you'll be left out before any of the original members of the group will so I wouldnt take it personally. If youre uncomfortable there maybe look for another job? You wont change the culture of the workplace or the group dynamics and theyre not required to include you either and trying to force them to include you will only make things more awkward.
Its really difficult to be in an environment everyday were you feel left out and unwanted, thats not good for your self esteem, the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation and find somewhere thats more friendly and supportive. It might take a few months to find a new job but it'll be worth it in the end.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Fol20

Just to play devils advocate here. If there are more people that he works with, why are they not inviting him to the work events etc. I can understand one person might be a prick but if there are several people not doing it, it might be something more than just this .Personally I wouldnt report him as if the company is small, everyone will more than likely find out you reported him and it will lead to more isolation. As others have mentioned, if you don’t like your work environment, I would leave ASAP.

LynnGrace

He may not be as popular as he appears to be. There probably are people there that you could get on just fine with, if you can get past him, and his behaviour. Not easy I know.
Maybe others stay quiet and go along with him, just to avoid being a target.

He has no right to comment on your social life or anything else for that matter, needless to say.

I wouldn't rush to change jobs, of this job suits you as regards location, type of work etc, although there is no harm of course in keeping an eye out for something else.