Will acceptance ever come?

TMJM96

I'm 21 year old gay man and a little over a year ago I came put and unfortunately it didn't go as well as I hoped with my parents. Fortunately my father came around to it but my mother never has.

I was lucky to have a great group of friends within the LGBT community who I was able to stay with and still visit regularly on weekends but when I leave it's back to being alone, basically. They've created this distance where I just don't feel too welcome at home, they essentially just ignore that part of my life and make me feel shameful about it. For this reason I never really go home in between college/work.

Other than this I'm happy with life - on track to graduate with a good degree, on placement with a high chance of a grad job and amazing friends and blooming relationships of other forms. Despite this all my parents can see me as a disappointment.

I'm not sure what else I can do in this situation. Do I just keep going how I am and wait it out?

baby and crumble

Honestly? Yeah.

I came out at 21 and it was totally ignored at home when I came home for weekends etc. They didn't ignore me or anything, life went on pretty much as normal. But the "gay thing" was never mentioned. Dad took longer to be ok with it than Mam.

Fast forward to last year and my Dad gave a speech at my wedding saying how great it was to have same sex marriage in Ireland now and how delighted he was to have my partner as one of the family.

People change, OP. You have to remember to cut your folks a little bit of slack, if you can. I'm not saying excuse ignorant behaviour, but more than likely you had years to come out to yourself before you hit them with this news. We can't expect parents who have likely had this whole narrative written in their heads about your life and what you'll do, and now they have to edit it, to be totally ok with this stuff right away. It takes time. Maybe it shouldn't but they're human too.

If you're in a rural location attitudes towards gay folks is imporving but still pretty bad sometimes. That, again, takes time.

Chin up, is all I'll say. Your parents seem like they're just adjusting. They mightn't know how to "support" you with this because if you're straight they wouldn't need to "support" you. You know? That's an adjustment too.

JackTaylorFan

baby and crumble wrote: »

Honestly? Yeah.

Bit of a blanket statement that. Does not apply to every individual situation, to be honest. Glad it worked out so well for you, B&C, but again, not always the case.

OP, it's great your father has come around - perhaps your mother will follow suit in time. Perhaps she just needs time to grieve for what she thinks she's losing - which is an idea I resent, but apparently, in some people's views we are supposed to somehow feel guilty for doing this horrible thing to our parents - you know, being alive and all that jazz.

Anyways, with family, nothing is ever certain - nobody can really predict what will happen there. As for societal attitudes, well in Ireland things continue to improve, so at least there's that.

Best of luck

ignorance is strength

When someone asks whether they should come out, people usually answer, Yes, definitely, you’ll be amazed by how fast homophobic parents will accept it. It’s a probabilistic claim based on experience and is usually right. I’m so sorry, though, to hear that that hasn’t been the case for you.

I’m somewhere between the posters above. Is it possible that your mother will never learn to accept it? Unfortunately, yeah. But, making another probabilistic claim based on experience, homophobic parents who don’t immediately accept their child’s sexuality will usually come around to it in time, and that this often happens when they see their child in a loving same-sex relationship and are able to see how it is fundamentally identical to hetrosexual relationships. Talk to your mother about it. Express your hurt. Ultimately, try to normalise it for her. And comfort yourself with the knowledge that countless rabidly homobphoc bible bashers have come round based on the paternal love they have for their children. Although it’s easy for me to say this, I’d be very surprised if she doesn’t. (Also, as you grow older and fully move out, their opinion becomes suddenly and dramatically less important.)

Ten of Swords

Op unfortunately you can't control anyone's reaction so there is nothing you can realistically do to influence your mother except give her more time and accept that it may take a very long time for her perspective to change.

How has the rest of your family taken the news? Do you have any siblings and if so what do they think?

Your post suggests you live away from the family home for college so you probably live much of your life away from your parents view anyway. What do you think the reason for your mother being less accepting is? Religious values or simply traditional views?

Do you feel there would be any benefit to sitting her down and having a hard conversation with her about what's going on or does she just prefer to ignore it and pretend your coming out didn't happen?

RocketRaccoon

What exactly do they do to make you feel ashamed about it? What is it your mother does that makes you think she is annoyed about it?