Ghosting and it's effects. I really need your help

LegacyUser

I'm really in search of some words of wisdom to help me get over the insecurity of being just dropped and forgotten about. I seem to have the biggest problem with girls just getting with me and then going cold. Unlike my friends, girls tend to get with them and get hooked, the more they know them, the more they like them. On the other hand, I feel like women if they like me at all just like me fleetingly. I don't believe I'm the type of guy that girls build attraction in over time, all the girls I've been with and had a 'relationship' with were based purely on them thinking I was good looking instantly. This isn't a large number btw so not boasting.

The last girl I really liked completely ghosted me. It hurt because we worked together and even still she just ignored me afterwards. What happened here was we worked together for a while, we drank at a house party one night and my co-workers told me she was into me. We kissed and slept together(but didn't do anything) then after she just seemed to lose her attraction. I'm guessing she wanted to have sex and when it didn't happen in that moment she just lost interest.
This hurt a bit but there are other occasions, it seems to stem from me not sealing the deal? Why do girls hate this so much? I'm not really a one night stand kinda guy, I just enjoy the fun of getting a girl who finds me attractive, chatting and kissing.
It just makes me very insecure, what's wrong with me? Why do these girls completely ignore me. Please don't say my personality...I mean it probably is, but I am a nice person. I'm a bit awkward though in these scenarios so I guess maybe that plays a part, but it doesn't warrant being completely swerved.

wylo

Hey, you kinda remind me of how I was a bit before I learned a thing or two.

You are obviously doing something right if they are taking at least somewhat of an interest in you initially. Even if its just your looks, then how bad!

The problem may not be to do with sex specifically. For me I had a similar issue, I like to think I am reasonably good looking. I am a nice guy, not a weirdo, sure, a bit nervous about dates and women and stuff. Sometimes female friends would ask me why I dont have a girlfriend etc etc. This went on for years

I cant make too many assumptions based on your post. But to me I wonder what are you doing in the aftermath of these situations? Going too extreme on either end is a sure ticket to them losing interest.

What I mean by either end is:

1. You go over the top interested and behave like you've just met the "one" and text alot and dont in any way play it cool.

2. You play it waaayy too cool for you own good, as in, to the point that you leave them genuinely believing you're just on into them.

Im gonna make an assumption you might be in the second category. Please correct me if Im wrong.

I think you should assume that women (or men) will be looking out for signs of rejection, so if you give them any reason to believe you are not into them they will take that as a confirmation and simply lose interest.

I have messed up so many potential relationships by doing this, I really read a woman losing interest in me as me not being good looking, or me being a weirdo, or too awkward, etc. Whereas now I know that they didnt mind any of that stuff, rather they just wanted to know I was into her too.

This doesnt mean you have to have sex or be all over them aftewards. Alot of people dont like one night stands, definitely more I would say than let on.

It just means you have to remind yourself to actually express an interest in her and be clear about it. Be it a text asking if she wants to go out some time or just a nice text about something. Chatting to her casually in work the few days that follow doesnt qualify.

Maybe Im wrong about your approach, but I met my current girlfriend by realising a few things:

1. It was up to me to make some moves, no matter how much I didnt like it, even after our first date I still had to keep re-organizing the next ones.

2. That me being awkward, nervous or a bit weird wasnt as a big a deal as it it seemed in my head. In hindsight, it was just more funny. She takes the piss out of me now for how nervous I was.

JackTaylorFan

I don't really understand what you are looking for and it's certainly not clear in your OP if you want a relationship or not. It reads like you just want girls to be interested in you for whatever spurious reason it is that massages your ego. And, well, if you're sending out these kind of messages to the women around you:

Unlike my friends, girls tend to get with them and get hooked, the more they know them, the more they like them

I just enjoy the fun of getting a girl who finds me attractive, chatting and kissing.

you're likely gonna find a lot of women don't want to know you for more than a night in the sack with that kind of attitude.

The language you use is very noncommittal and seems to be all about you and feeding your own narrative and it certainly doesn't translate to "I want something serious". Perhaps this is the message you are sending out in your day-to-day - unintended or not - that all you want is a bit of NSA fun or a FWB arrangement - and in return all you do is attract women who will treat you as disposable as they feel you'll treat them.


I mean that is only one possibility...

When I lose interest in a guy it's usually because they can't hold up their end of a conversation or because all they want is a one night stand and I ain't interested in that.

As for ghosting, well I find the behaviour sickening. It shows a real lack of emotional maturity on the part of the perpetrator - and you are probably better off rid anyhow.