I need advice

pineneedles

I'm in a desperate state over the last couple of weeks and I feel it's going to come to a head sooner rather than later, I just don't know what to do or say when and if it does pop up.

I've been dating a girl for just over 4 years now and things were going great for a long time. I spent some time in the UK working for a good chunk of our time together before moving back to the West of Ireland full time. When we first got together, she was carrying some weight which was no problem to me as she's a beautiful girl and her physical appearance suited her. We have had some great times together and have seen some great places together but over time things have changed between us.

She has put on a lot of weight over the last year or so and while I'm not going to say it doesn't bother me, it does a bit, it's the affect it's having on her that is my main worry. Her confidence seems to be at an all time low and this is reflected in her mood swings and general attitude towards her appearance. We were at a wedding on Friday and for weeks all we could speak about was how good it would be to get dressed up, look well and have fun on an important day for friends of ours. On the morning of the wedding, she decided not to wear the lovely dress she had bought for the day a few weeks beforehand. She wore an outfit that she had worn to a wedding we attended before Christmas with many of the same guests in attendance. She complained that everyone would be looking at her for wearing the same thing twice and she picked a fight with me on the way to the wedding for no other reason than to put me in as bad a humour as her. She was in foul form for the day and night and neither of us enjoyed the wedding. The next day she was in better form but the big day was more or less ruined for both of us and it was uncomfortable for the other people at the table with us. This kind of thing seems to be happening a lot, she will be in terrible form one minute and then fine the next and it's starting to get me down.

She always took a lot of pride in her appearance and always looked well but in the last year or so she has taken less and less interest and seems to be happy enough to look almost scruffy on nights out and she seems to have lost interest in things even though I know if I raise the issue with her then it will come out all wrong, she will take it the wrong way and it will make things worse. At the moment, I am strongly considering ending the relationship. It's something I never thought I would even contemplate but her lack of confidence in herself is really starting to take it's toll on the relationship for the both of us. I found myself in a big panic earlier today because if I was to end the relationship she would straightaway say I did it based on her appearance - this isn't the case, it's the damage her appearance has done to her self confidence that's the issue here.

I really am at a loose end, I don't know what to do or what to say here. I love the girl and we've always spoken about a future together but the last few weeks have made me think otherwise. I feel very guilty for even writing all of this because we've always had a very open relationship where we can discuss almost anything with eachother but this is different now and it's having an awful effect on me personally. I feel that if I was to end the relationship then I would be almost abandoning her at her lowest but at the same time I need to be happy and at the moment I'm not happy.

All genuine feedback is appreciated in advance.

Thanks.

monaghanmissus

It's a tough one pineneedles but I don't think you should give up on her just yet. I'm an emotional eater myself and when I put on weight it's usually because I'm stressed or something's going on behind the scenes. Is there anything she's stressed or worried about?

Could you politely suggest training for something like a 5k together? Or make an effort to go on walks/cycles together in the evenings?

eeguy

I'd say the best thing might be to exercise and eat right as a couple.
Pick an goal, like a 5 or 10k and both of you go for it. Make it more about spending time with each other than her trying to lose weight and you'll both benefit from it.

Help34

Sounds like she is depressed TBH.
Don't give up on her just yet, suggest counselling to help

Purpletoes

I'm inclined to agree with the encouraging joint exercise or even start with a day out...walk on beach etc.
I put on a lot of weight myself after my second son was born, massive fights with partner and was snappy then fine also. I can empathise with your post from both sides. It's a tricky situation as you don't want to make her feel worse.

From my own point of view I used to feel frumpy even when done up. Maybe she's a bit lost and her nice clothes don't fit her anymore or make her feel worse.

I would, if I were in your situation, go down the route of telling her you feel she isn't the bubbly happy person you fell in love with and you want to help her find her again. It may be met with resistance initially but I'd bet money that it will open communication without you being accusatory or misunderstood. You probably won't even have to mention weight gain, it sounds like she is just stuck in a rut to me.

strandroad

First, is there a chance that she was depressed for a while and her weight issues are the result of the depression? Or is it the other way round, she lost control of her weight and it's making her depressed?

If depression is the driving factor, she should start with a GP visit.

But if it's purely the weight that is the cause of her mood, she might want to look into Overeaters Anonymous meetings, there are plenty around the country. My family member was completely transformed when she joined, she lost several sizes and kept it all off since. The meetings reframed her thinking; they don't give you diet tips or anything, they work with you on identifying patterns and events that make you turn to food as comfort, habit or some sort of substitute, and how to retrain yourself to react differently. She did have some serious stuff to overcome but her meetings were friendly and supportive and she really is a changed person. They also supported her in discovering and enjoying fitness activities, especially the balanced wellness types like swimming or yoga.

pineneedles

Many thanks for the replies guys.

After a bad relationship in the past, she put on a bit of weight. Nothing major but noticeable enough from before and after pictures. In relation to the suggestions above, a huge thanks for all of them. I've thought about all of these myself but I do think that if I mention them then she will take it the wrong way and a subtle suggestion will most probably be viewed as an underhanded dig at her.

As I said, the weight gain is an issue but more so to do with the fact that it is making her unhappy. I know it is but I can't bring myself to raise the issue with her. To be honest, the thoughts I'm having about ending things are selfish and I feel terrible but it's something that will end up happening in a heat of the moment argument down the line. I can't keep things going the way they are going. She has been dieting since the beginning of the year and felt great about herself for a while but since the beginning of February the diet stopped and all the good early work was undone. My fear is that it will go too far and she'll never recover her former personality, attitude and outlook on life. She was such a brilliant person to be around, fun and exciting but gradually over time that has all wilted away. It could be the fact that the longer we are together the less effort she feels she needs to make. I'm really not sure though and she's gone very hard to communicate with on a deep and personal level.

As much as I love her and want her to go back to the way she was before (more for her than for me) I think she's stuck in a serious rut and it's possibly too late. She won't go to the gym, she has a full gym in work, she won't get up and join a club or a group. She goes walking a few nights a week with our neighbour but it's a halhearted attempt. She isn't prepared to put in the effort so nothing is ever going to happen for her.

I want her to be happy and, again being selfish, I want to be happy too. We were very happy for a long time but gradually this has begun to eat away at me and I suspect it has at her too. She knows I'm a bit low lately and I suspect she knows the reason why but neither of us have to heart to sit down and talk about this honestly and openly. Also, I must point out that she was carrying a bit of weight when we met so that isn't the issue here, it's a contributory factor to a bigger problem but I don't want people getting the wrong idea.

Sorry, I've just re-read this and I'm rambling a bit and have gone off the point. Should I sit her down and just bring this to a head or should I make suggestions and not say it outright? I know that if I bring this up it will devastate her and the way I've been feeling lately I don't think I can take a massive row or a serious emotional episode from her. This isn't like telling her I don't like her hair or her makeup, this is something deeply personal and if it goes the wrong way it's something that we might never recover from. I don't want that to happen at all. I don't want this to boil down to weight, I want this to be about her self confidence and the damage her lack of confidence is having on both of us and us as a couple.

strandroad

pineneedles wrote: »

Sorry, I've just re-read this and I'm rambling a bit and have gone off the point. Should I sit her down and just bring this to a head or should I make suggestions and not say it outright? I know that if I bring this up it will devastate her and the way I've been feeling lately I don't think I can take a massive row or a serious emotional episode from her. This isn't like telling her I don't like her hair or her makeup, this is something deeply personal and if it goes the wrong way it's something that we might never recover from. I don't want that to happen at all. I don't want this to boil down to weight, I want this to be about her self confidence and the damage her lack of confidence is having on both of us and us as a couple.

I would have the talk. You're actually explain it really well, focusing on confidence, mood happiness rather than the weight alone (I'm sure they are women her size who are happy, but it clearly doesn't work for her). Can you discuss some attainable and measurable goals you can help her achieve? Do an online fitness challenge for a week, go to three OA meetings together etc? Something small that has an actual end and will give her a boost when achieved?

SimpleDimples

Could you starting by talking about the wedding and how you noticed she was so down, and rhat she didn't seem as happy or confident as she used to be and that you are concerned about it?

There's no easy way of doing it, especially if the weight is the cause of unhappiness but it might be a way to start a difficult conversation?

Purpletoes

Do both.

Sit down together and tell her how you feel and offer the suggestions. I don't feel there's any use in landing something on the table without some starting points for change/rectification. Maybe tell her you feel you both need to sit down and talk and make a date so that she isn't blindsighted and can even come up with her own things to say. I'm sure she must have her own things she needs addressed. Relationships are all about compromise after all.

Possibly a suggestion could be taking a few steps backwards as a couple. Why not have date might once every week or two. Take it in turns arranging it. It really is about the little things and sometimes it can be all it takes to remind each other why you fell in love to begin wirh.

You have mentioned several times that the weight gain is a side issue of underlying problems so I would work on the problems and then down the line of the weight issue continues re assess.

In terms of your own mind set of not being able for another traumatic row, this is probably going to happen if things aren't addressed anyway.

pineneedles

Purpletoes wrote: »

Do both.

Sit down together and tell her how you feel and offer the suggestions. I don't feel there's any use in landing something on the table without some starting points for change/rectification. Maybe tell her you feel you both need to sit down and talk and make a date so that she isn't blindsighted and can even come up with her own things to say. I'm sure she must have her own things she needs addressed. Relationships are all about compromise after all.

Possibly a suggestion could be taking a few steps backwards as a couple. Why not have date might once every week or two. Take it in turns arranging it. It really is about the little things and sometimes it can be all it takes to remind each other why you fell in love to begin wirh.

You have mentioned several times that the weight gain is a side issue of underlying problems so I would work on the problems and then down the line of the weight issue continues re assess.

In terms of your own mind set of not being able for another traumatic row, this is probably going to happen if things aren't addressed anyway.

You've made an excellent point regarding sitting down and airing out some of our problems. Absolutely she will have some issues of her own that she will want to address with me but I can't help but feel a lot of them will end up looking like I'm trying to blame everything on her.

I feel awful for saying this but I hope people understand why. I rarely give her compliments anymore because they're always thrown straight back at me when I do. If I compliment her on her hair, her makeup, her clothes then I get it throw straight back at me and told that it's untrue and I'm only saying it for the sake of saying it. Last week we were heading to my parents house for dinner and she came out to the car. She sat in and off we went, she passed a comment then about me not saying how nice she looked. It's gone to the stage where I feel like I can't win.

Jenneke87

Well, a lot of it is coming from her, isn't it? She has gained the weight and appears to be unhappy because of that. She's the one who has lost confidence and is in a bad mood a lot, to the point where she will kick up an argument just to drag you down with her. She's the one not being proactive and sorting out her issues, which I understand can be hard, but ultimately her responsibility..

It's come to a point where you feel that everything you say is being twisted to make you look like the bad guy to the point that you don't dare to have this conversation with her and I think that's a bad sign. But if you do nothing then it's going to stay this way. And if she refuses to talk and say what's going on, I don't see this ending well tbh.

Purpletoes

pineneedles wrote: »

You've made an excellent point regarding sitting down and airing out some of our problems. Absolutely she will have some issues of her own that she will want to address with me but I can't help but feel a lot of them will end up looking like I'm trying to blame everything on her.

I feel awful for saying this but I hope people understand why. I rarely give her compliments anymore because they're always thrown straight back at me when I do. If I compliment her on her hair, her makeup, her clothes then I get it throw straight back at me and told that it's untrue and I'm only saying it for the sake of saying it. Last week we were heading to my parents house for dinner and she came out to the car. She sat in and off we went, she passed a comment then about me not saying how nice she looked. It's gone to the stage where I feel like I can't win.

Sounds like tough times for you both. Hopefully once you bite the bullet and get it all out in the open things should start to improve. Sometimes time and maybe even a little space helps