Never has time for his family!

LegacyUser

My partner works long hours 12 hour shifts to be precise! We have a four year old little boy who worships the ground he walks on, that is when he is around! Which is rare. we aren't really big drinkers and we prefer our movie nights to clubbing, that said, we do very much appreciate our nights out when we do get them!!

The thing is and this wasn't so bad in the beginning but it has begun to start bugging me big time, that he never seems to have time for us anymore, if he's not working he's tuned into donedeal twenty four seven, and I mean twenty four seven, or at the cars( he's big into cars, his twin cam is his baby) which I don't mind I love the fact that he takes pride in his cars and it's a great hobbies, but in my opinion he should be able to even it out between family life and his other hobbies!!
He never talks to our little fella, he just sits on the phone like as if he's on auto pilot when our little fella asks him anything our quizzes him he gets annoyed and shouts at him. Everytime he's off work which is rare he would rather be spending time at the car, or at his friend's cars or at his brothers car or driving around the countryside for a part for his brothers car instead of spending just a few hours with us or even with his son!

I hate being a nagging woman because I know its nice to have hobbies esp with having kids and I don't be grudge him for doing bits with the car, but I'd just like for him to equalise it a bit and have even one family day out with us, it feels like I do everything, our weekends are mostly just me and my son now all the time and I do try to bring him places and do as much as I can with him that's fun, but there's only a certain amount I can do and I just feel like I'm doing it all on my own, he doesn't care that it upsets our little fella when he's off work for the weekend and he'd rather spend it away from us as much as possible.

I wouldn't argue with him over this because like I said it's good he has an interest esp with the hours he works it's nice for him to just get at his car, but when I have breached the subject about spending more time with us he gets defensive and says that I'm trying to stop him having a life! I'm not, I just want him to treat our little fella abut better incase he gets to an age where he doesn't have time for his dad anymore!! So I just leave at that with him on the subject.

I don't know to be honest maybe this is nothing and I'm just having a rant over s**t, I know there could be far worse things he could be at! but I guess I'm just wondering do other people sometimes feel like this with their other half's?!

Lostphrophet

<SNIP>

What ya mean tuned into donedeal 24.7 h
You mean the selling site ? It could just be hes connected via app on android but not actively using but connected

LegacyUser

Don't think I have any great advice for you really but my boyfriend is also big into cars, Jap cars too. We've a little boy too but he does spend alot of time with him to be fair.
The love for his car though gets too much for me sometimes and I will have it out with him. He can't walk past the window without looking out admiring his car. He washes it nearly every day and spends majority of his free time with his car.
I get thick cause he has his car spotless but can't use a dishwasher or pick up clothes after himself. This is mostly what we argue about really.
I definately think you need to sit down and have a chat with him and be firm about how you feel.
Would he not bring your son out with him when he's out at the car? That's what my fella does with our son and my little lad loooves cars and bikes.
He brings him to mondello too and other car events that do be on. It's a nice way for them to spend some time together.
I do think it comes down to telling him exactly how you feel and the effect it's having on you and your son and not saying anything for fear of him getting in a strop.
Good luck though I know exactly where your coming from.

BB2011

Don't think I have any great advice for you really but my boyfriend is also big into cars, Jap cars too. We've a little boy too but he does spend alot of time with him to be fair.
The love for his car though gets too much for me sometimes and I will have it out with him. He can't walk past the window without looking out admiring his car. He washes it nearly every day and spends majority of his free time with his car.
I get thick cause he has his car spotless but can't use a dishwasher or pick up clothes after himself. This is mostly what we argue about really.
I definately think you need to sit down and have a chat with him and be firm about how you feel.
Would he not bring your son out with him when he's out at the car? That's what my fella does with our son and my little lad loves cars and bikes.
He brings him to mondello too and other car events that do be on. It's a nice way for them to spend some time together.
I do think it comes down to telling him exactly how you feel and the effect it's having on you and your son and not saying anything for fear of him getting in a strop.
Good luck though I know exactly where your coming from.

BB2011

Lostphrophet wrote: »

What ya mean tuned into donedeal 24.7 h
You mean the selling site ? It could just be hes connected via app on android but not actively using but connected

Pretty sure she means he's actually on donedeal looking at what cars are for sale. My boyfriend does that too. Just for a nose to see what's for sale.

December2012

Can you get him to take your son swimming? It's a great activity for bonding as it's physical and fun and requires one on one communication .

What did his dad do with him?

bee06

Your poor little boy. I agree that it’s healthy to have hobbies but this sounds like an obsession. Shouting at a little boy just for talking to him is ridiculous. He needs to cop himself on. I think the suggestion of having him spend time with your son around the cars to start with is a really good idea. It might help them bond and lead to spending time together doing other things.

Pawwed Rig

Do you work at all OP? Maybe he is bearing the full brunt of being the bread winner and is tired all the time?

That said law would demand he be off at least 3 days a week so unclear here to the time he spends at home/work.
Does he make money from cars??

deisedav

Thats a real pity that a fella has no interest in spending time with his son, i find it hard to believe myself, i have 2 boys and a girl. After the first child was born you would hear people saying alot ''enjoy them, they grow up so fast''. This line used to annoy me a bit but its so true and i find myself saying it myself now. I hope your fella doesn't have regrets in 10 years time and realise how much hes missed as those years are really precious. Sounds like he needs a good kick in the nuts to be honest, its nice to have interests as you said but they should be put on the backburner while children are involved. I wish you all the best.

Addle

Is he self employed?
And what age is he and your child?

elvis83

Yeah your other half is being very selfish. Get him to listen to "the cat's in the cradle" for a start.

I'm guessing this is probably how his dad treated him. Maybe ask him about it? It sounds like he's a tough enough cookie to communicate with though.

Maybe ask him what memories he'd like the wee man to have of him when he's older? Or (if he has a frosty relationship with his dad, which I'm assuming is true) ask him if he wants the same for his son.

Sorry I don't have great advice for you, I just know you need to get something sorted as it will leave very long lasting scars for everyone otherwise

QueenRizla

OP, is your relationship with each other also neglected? It is bad enough he has so little interest in his own kid but you can’t be too high up the pecking order either.
It sounds like ye have completely different priorities and values as a family. The long working hours are not really the problem, he doesn’t seem to want to spend his free time with his family. Also you keep repeating that it’s great he has hobbies, like you are conditioned. Hobbies are nice to have but prioritized over family is not acceptable. I’d be putting my foot down and saying this is not the family life I want for myself and son and address it as a family or consider your future as a family.

Also people who do long shifts usually get longer periods off as their working week is compacted. Why is he working so much?

LegacyUser

Hi all my partner is 29 and my son is 4 years old. The very odd time he will bring him out when he is working on the car, my son is also big into cars and bikes and lorries really anything that drives lol,. But my son is also very active little boy that loses interest in something quite easily for instance: if my partner brought him out with and he was doing something with the car that was important my son might decide he wants to play football or do something else which easily irritates my partner be a sue he says he can't do any work with him around!!

I don't work at the minute I had to give up work due I suffer from epilepsy and my seizures got quite bad so I ended up leaving for a while to take a break, I love being at home with my son I find myself having a very strong bond with him. I do all the house work and cook and yeah I do get annoyed because like someone said above he can do anything with his car but he can't seem to pick up his clothes to put in the wash after himself.

He works 12 hour shifts in a hospital as a porter, he does get 3 days of here and their but because he is not yet permanent he could get a call at anytime to go in, usually his days off are broken up so he never gets 3 days off in a row. He's always contrary as he hates his job and his boss. and on his days off he always seems to be too busy to be around us!

He never really had much of a relationship with his father Tbh I even see that when I'm up at his house, his mum was the bread earner and his dad stayed at home minding him and his brother and 2 sisters but his dad was very strict and very impatient with them and would easily lose his temper and lash out at them as kids, as far as I no only bits that he does tell me here and there!

I think our relationship is quite good when he is around that is, and when he isn't contrary. Thanks all for the advise though.

Knine

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Do you work at all OP? Maybe he is bearing the full brunt of being the bread winner and is tired all the time?
?

Maybe the OP is tired too rearing a little child all by herself it seems. Childcare is not cheap. Neither is a cook & cleaner. No days off with looking after kids.

You need to sit him down and have a chat with him. What about your hobbies? Do you have time to have any?

zoobizoo

I'm a new dad and I have a hobby that I need to travel to do.... Takes a day.

I haven't done it since we had the baby and tbh, haven't headed away for the last couple of months of pregnancy.

Do I miss it? Yes.

But I have had to prioritise my child and my wife's sanity over something that I love to do.

I'm looking forward to getting back to it but I'm not sure when that will be. Unfortunately it's not like just heading off for an hour or two to play football close to home.

What age is your fella and did he want to have a child?

Pawwed Rig

Knine wrote: »

Childcare is not cheap. Neither is a cook & cleaner. No days off with looking after kids.

They are pretty cheap. usually minimum wage employment so hard to find cheaper.
Looking after a 4 year old is not difficult if you have all day to do it.

Knine

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

They are pretty cheap. usually minimum wage employment so hard to find cheaper.
Looking after a 4 year old is not difficult if you have all day to do it.

The OP appears to be looking after a 4 year old on her own. I'm sorry but looking after a child by yourself while your partner is having the life of riley playing with his cars in his free time is far from easy. Going to work is easier. You get lunch breaks. You get days off. You get holidays etc. You get paid! I have done both and I would rather go to work.

Childcare is cheap. Ok. Many creches cost the same as a morgage.

Dog walker 1234

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Looking after a 4 year old is not difficult if you have all day to do it.

Maybe you should try it before you tell others how easy it is.

Pawwed Rig

Knine wrote: »

Going to work is easier. You get lunch breaks. You get days off. You get holidays etc. You get paid! I have done both and I would rather go to work.

I would stay home anyday with kids before going to work.

Knine wrote: »

Childcare is cheap. Ok. Many creches cost the same as a morgage.

The OP does not need childcare though?

Listen I know it is PC to say that stay at home parents work as hard as the working partner but that does not make it so. A day away from work with my 2 is a holiday for me.

Pawwed Rig

Dog walker 1234 wrote: »

Maybe you should try it before you tell others how easy it is.

Have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Thanks for your input

Gonad

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Do you work at all OP? Maybe he is bearing the full brunt of being the bread winner and is tired all the time?

That said law would demand he be off at least 3 days a week so unclear here to the time he spends at home/work.
Does he make money from cars??

What does the OPs employment status have to do with a bloke trust can't be arsed spending time with his kid ?

Sounds like he is just a bit of a kid himself . I'm guessing you are a young family . Have a chat with him and tell him he is beng a dickhead and that his little boy needs more of his time. If he doesn't change even a little bit there is probably not much you can do until he is read to grow up himself . I doubt you are going to pack your bags and leave ? Or if you would even want to as I am sure yourself you know it might just be a matter of time before he is read to become a man and put his kid first ..

Pawwed Rig

Gonad wrote: »

What does the OPs employment status have to do with a bloke trust can't be arsed spending time with his kid ?

Just trying to get a broader picture before I judge the guy completely bearing in mind we only have one side of a story here but you go ahead.

Gonad wrote: »

Sounds like he is just a bit of a kid himself . I'm guessing you are a young family . Have a chat with him and tell him he is beng a dickhead and that his little boy needs more of his time. If he doesn't change even a little bit there is probably not much you can do until he is read to grow up himself . I doubt you are going to pack your bags and leave ? Or if you would even want to as I am sure yourself you know it might just be a matter of time before he is read to become a man and put his kid first ..

bee06

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Thanks for your input

Would you shout at your child just because he/she talked to you? I doubt it. I’m all for playing devils advocate but there is a difference between needing some down time and wanting nothing to do with his son which definitely seems to be the case here.

LegacyUser

Hi all my partner is 29 and my son is 4 years old. The very odd time he will bring him out when he is working on the car, my son is also big into cars and bikes and lorries really anything that drives lol,. But my son is also very active little boy that loses interest in something quite easily for instance: if my partner brought him out with and he was doing something with the car that was important my son might decide he wants to play football or do something else which easily irritates my partner be a sue he says he can't do any work with him around!!

I don't work at the minute I had to give up work due I suffer from epilepsy and my seizures got quite bad so I ended up leaving for a while to take a break, I love being at home with my son I find myself having a very strong bond with him. I do all the house work and cook and yeah I do get annoyed because like someone said above he can do anything with his car but he can't seem to pick up his clothes to put in the wash after himself.

He works 12 hour shifts in a hospital as a porter, he does get 3 days of here and their but because he is not yet permanent he could get a call at anytime to go in, usually his days off are broken up so he never gets 3 days off in a row. He's always contrary as he hates his job and his boss. and on his days off he always seems to be too busy to be around us!

He never really had much of a relationship with his father Tbh I even see that when I'm up at his house, his mum was the bread earner and his dad stayed at home minding him and his brother and 2 sisters but his dad was very strict and very impatient with them and would easily lose his temper and lash out at them as kids, as far as I no only bits that he does tell me here and there!

I think our relationship is quite good when he is around that is, and when he isn't contrary. Thanks all for the advise though.

Pawwed Rig

bee06 wrote: »

Would you shout at your child just because he/she talked to you? I doubt it. I’m all for playing devils advocate but there is a difference between needing some down time and wanting nothing to do with his son which definitely seems to be the case here.

The OP has posted once. I will wait for her to clarify the points raised since yesterday afternoon before giving further input. Her post may have been in anger or momentary. Anything else is just speculation on our part.

shesty

Actually I think it's bad habit.

We have two kids, we both work.OH has a habit of coming in and spending evening fiddling with his phone, messing around on donedeal too.Guitars and cars.He would eat dinner with his head stuck in it and spend the hour or so til the kids are in bed the same.Gets annoyed if they want or try to get his attention.

I don't care what his hobby is.His kids want to see him for less than one lousy hour of his day.I have told him to put the phone away.I have told him there's no point snapping at them because they just want five minutes of his time while he is buried on a screen looking at car pieces....the fact that he can't deal with that is in fact his problem and not theirs.And I have told him that screens do not feature at mealtimes.Nagging wife I may be, but I work all day too and when I come home I don't look at my phone til after the kids are in bed, because it is not fair on them.So tough, he can man up and last 30-45 mins without his screen, it's nothing but bad habit to be flicking around endlessly on it.

As for the weekends, he has a hobby that can take him away for hours too....and yes, we have had that conversation too.Some weekends I can accept that something is on that takes up a lot of time, but I expect him to be around the following weekend and available.

Hobbies are great and all, but not if it is impacting your relationships like that.Kids are bloody hard work and maybe they aren't how everybody wants to spend their time (does anybody actually think I don't want a chance to do adult stuff too??) But if you have them you are responsible for being there for them and the best thing you can give them is your time and attention as a parent.

Frankly OP I would be having a very homest conversation.with him about a few ground rules around how much time is spent on his phone amd away at weekends.I don't think he's behaving well, and I do think it's time that was pointed out to him.

Annoyedlady103

Hi all
Sorry for late reply to everyone's advise I seemed to be having trouble every time I wrote in it and sent it came up that it had to be checked first but my replies never showed up on this?? I don't know what happened there so I had to set up an account to reply to everyone!! Thanks for the advise though!

My partner is 29 and my son is 4 years old. The very odd time he will bring him out when he is working on the car, my son is also big into cars and bikes and lorries really anything that drives lol,. But my son is also very active little boy that loses interest in something quite easily for instance: if my partner brought him out with and he was doing something with the car that was important my son might decide he wants to play football or do something else which easily irritates my partner be a sue he says he can't do any work with him around!!

I don't work at the minute I had to give up work due I suffer from epilepsy and my seizures got quite bad so I ended up leaving for a while to take a break, I love being at home with my son I find myself having a very strong bond with him. I do all the house work and cook and yeah I do get annoyed because like someone said above he can do anything with his car but he can't seem to pick up his clothes to put in the wash after himself.

He works 12 hour shifts in a hospital as a porter, he does get 3 days of here and their but because he is not yet permanent he could get a call at anytime to go in, usually his days off are broken up so he never gets 3 days off in a row. He's always contrary as he hates his job and his boss. and on his days off he always seems to be too busy to be around us!

He never really had much of a relationship with his father Tbh I even see that when I'm up at his house, his mum was the bread earner and his dad stayed at home minding him and his brother and 2 sisters but his dad was very strict and very impatient with them and would easily lose his temper and lash out at them as kids, as far as I no only bits that he does tell me here and there!

I think our relationship is quite good when he is around that is, and when he isn't contrary. Thanks all for the advise though.

Annoyedlady103

Sorry since I have set up an account I have I have seen my reply to everyone has popped up quite a few times. Much apologies for this, I didn't realise that it takes a while for something to post when you don't have an account on this! Re: why I set one up! Apologies all for it again

lawred2

Shouts at his son for asking a few questions about what his Dad is doing?

That's horrible

Annoyedlady103

It's hard to explain for instance if he came home from work which would be quite late because of the hours where he works etc, he automatically goes for the phone once he has sat down, now I do try and wait till little fella is in bed before I'd go on Facebook or what not, but like he only has say 2 hours in the evening to spend really with our son before his bed time. So naturally I do expect him to give him some attention when he gets home, but like I said if the little fella came over and as kids do you know he would pull out of him and start chatting away and be telling him a story or asking him to look at him doing something, and he would be just on the phone not even looking at him saying "oh very good" and my son is a clever little fella he knows when your not passing heed and then he'd start getting mad in his own little way and pulling out of him which would make my partner thick and he'd say "go away, tell mammy". Stuff like that that really bugs me with him.

Addle

'Our' son, or 'my' son?
Should if make a difference?

Annoyedlady103

Addle wrote: »

'Our' son, or 'my' son?
Should if make a difference?

Sorry I don't understand? Do you mean as in if he wasn't the father?? Yes he is our son as in he belongs to both of us

Addle

Annoyedlady103 wrote: »

Sorry I don't understand? Do you mean as in if he wasn't the father?? Yes he is our son as in he belongs to both of us

You just used 'my son' a lot.
It reads like your OH isn't happy.

Gorgeousgeorge

Sorry to say it but id nearly bet my bollocks that he resents the young fella.

I think this as one of the lads is your other half down to a tee. Cars cruises mooching at cars etc he does not want to grow up and leave the easy life behind.

lawred2

Annoyedlady103 wrote: »

It's hard to explain for instance if he came home from work which would be quite late because of the hours where he works etc, he automatically goes for the phone once he has sat down, now I do try and wait till little fella is in bed before I'd go on Facebook or what not, but like he only has say 2 hours in the evening to spend really with our son before his bed time. So naturally I do expect him to give him some attention when he gets home, but like I said if the little fella came over and as kids do you know he would pull out of him and start chatting away and be telling him a story or asking him to look at him doing something, and he would be just on the phone not even looking at him saying "oh very good" and my son is a clever little fella he knows when your not passing heed and then he'd start getting mad in his own little way and pulling out of him which would make my partner thick and he'd say "go away, tell mammy". Stuff like that that really bugs me with him.

That sounds simply awful to me. I feel terrible for your young lad.

Annoyedlady103

Addle wrote: »

You just used 'my son' a lot.
It reads like your OH isn't happy.

Sorry now if it looked that way I didn't realise I was using it a lot, though sometimes it does feel like he's just my son Tbh. No his father/my partner does not seem to be unhappy and if he is he is very good at hiding it from me but I have being with him along time so I prob would have seen other signs of unhappiness if that was the case.

I'm not saying that he is a bad person or that because I nobody's perfect all I posted this for was advise from people that may or may not have had issues with things like this from their other half's. It just bugs me that's all

Teyla Emmagan

He sounds like he has zero interest in being a father to me. No time for you, no time for his son. Totally absent. I think you're being far too tolerant OP. Your partner needs to be there mentally for his family, not trying to ignore the two of you so he can spend all his free time on himself. I think he sounds like a tool to be honest.

Annoyedlady103

Gorgeousgeorge wrote: »

Sorry to say it but id nearly bet my bollocks that he resents the young fella.

I think this as one of the lads is your other half down to a tee. Cars cruises mooching at cars etc he does not want to grow up and leave the easy life behind.

I know what your saying, I knew what I was in for when I met him but I didn't mind because we were in our teens so the fact that he loved his cars was grand, I'd go to rally all that with him etc, but once our little fella came along I backed out of all because looking after him came first. He still goes though, but the obsession only seemed to get worse since he bought the twin cam, he would drive the length and breath of the country for a part for it before he would bring our little fella for a walk to the park, Tbh.

bee06

OP, I assume since he has no time for your son that he also has no time for you and your relationship. You seem surprisingly ok with this as well. If it was me I think the phone would have been smashed to bits at this stage.

You really need to sit him down and have an honest conversation about the future of your relationship and his relationship with his son. I can’t see how this situation is sustainable or healthy for anyone.

thierry14

Annoyedlady103 wrote: »

I know what your saying, I knew what I was in for when I met him but I didn't mind because we were in our teens so the fact that he loved his cars was grand, I'd go to rally all that with him etc, but once our little fella came along I backed out of all because looking after him came first. He still goes though, but the obsession only seemed to get worse since he bought the twin cam, he would drive the length and breath of the country for a part for it before he would bring our little fella for a walk to the park, Tbh.

Poor little boy

Have a son a bit younger at 2 and finding it hard reading this

He's only 4 your son but he will know his dad doesn't care about him

Your partner needs to cop the **** on

Forget about that piece of **** twin cam he's infatuated about.

It will be replaced by an electric car in a few years anyway, he should stop wasting his time on that scrap and take his baby to the park ffs

shesty

Nah OP, sorry.....not good enough.Not your fault either.He needs to put his phone away.Whining he can't get work done on the car because the child is there....yeah he's right, he can't.(having seen my own OH get annoyed trying to work on the car with the kids in the garden).As I say to my OH he needs to get over it and accept that if he has work to do on the car he needs to find his own time to do it, there's no point getting annoyed with the kids because they aren't 'letting' him get stuff done.Tough, they're kids.It's what they do.

You aren't being a nagging wife by the way, and you aren't being unreasonable.He, however, is.You need to put a few ground rules in place around phone use etc at certain times of the day.Stupid it may be, but he clearly isn't seeing it himself so someone needs to say it to him.

I probably sound like a total pain....I'm not but my expectations of my husband as a parent are no less than they are of my own behaviour.I don't ask him to do anything I don't or won't do and I don't see why I should pick up all the slack just because I'm the mother.He has to be present too.

ManOfMystery

Your OH needs to be seriously spoken to.

Has he any responsible friends or family members he listens to? I know you can say what needs to be said, but people in a relationship hear each other nattering all day and sometimes it takes a fresh voice to have an impact. 

Don't get me wrong, you didn't come on here and say he was an abusive dad or kicked seven shades out of your son on a daily basis. He's not a bad guy in that respect. But lack of care and attention for a child is horribly selfish, and have a huge impact on them, especially when he's blatantly ignoring him. If this continues, the wee lad will grow up wondering why Daddy never wants to talk to him or listen to what he has to say.

I have a 4yr old also, and at that age they're not only hugely inquisitive but also becoming knowledgeful and wanting to share their opinion on everything. Like most people I have a job, I have chores to do at home, I have other stresses and hobbies I'd love to indulge if I have the time, one of which is cars- like your O/H. I haven't always been a perfect Dad; there are times I'm tired, times I've spent a full day playing with him and just need 10 mins 'me' time to clear my head, times I've had other things on my mind and maybe not been as attentive as I could. But I think, most of the time, I try my best and his overall memory of his early years isn't going to be one of 'Daddy was never around or never wanted to talk to me'.

I've lost count of how many times I've been in the middle of something and had to abandon it because my son wants to play or show me something. But you know what? It doesn't matter one iota. He's not just 'the child' or of no consequence. He is a person in his own right, and his development, his attention and his needs are way, way higher up the tree in terms of importance than mine. 

It's a horrible thing to think about, but every day you read in the papers about a child being knocked down or dying of an illness. Ask your other half how he would feel if this happened, and what regrets he would have. I'm sure like most parents he would wish that he had used every minute he had to make his son's life enjoyable.

happyoutscan

He needs a good kick up his backside.

December2012

Can he involve his son in his passion for cars in any way?