Lies - big and small

HeavyHeaded

I'm looking for some advice on what other people would do in this situation.

Would you stay with a partner who can't help lying about things. For example, you ask them where they are and they say they're at home when they are only on the way home.

You ask them how much something was and they say it's half what it was.

You ask them if they had lunch today and they say no when they did.

You find a bank card from a bank you didn't know they were with.

Said they weren't smoking when they were.

When you ask him where he bought something he says on shop instead of another

Off the top of my head they're just some examples. Would you consider that the end of the relationship?

Chancer3001

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I'm looking for some advice on what other people would do in this situation.

Would you stay with a partner who can't help lying about things. For example, you ask them where they are and they say they're at home when they are only on the way home.

You ask them how much something was and they say it's half what it was.

You ask them if they had lunch today and they say no when they did.

You find a bank card from a bank you didn't know they were with.

Said they weren't smoking when they were.

Off the top of my head they're just some examples. Would you consider that the end of the relationship?

Yeah. It's either hiding stuff or have a really incompatible relationship

I wouldn't go for it to be honest . Even if the lies are harmless.

I see it as a mental flaw in the other person which is really unattractive to me

HeavyHeaded

Chancer3001 wrote: »

Yeah. It's either hiding stuff or have a really incompatible relationship

I wouldn't go for it to be honest . Even if the lies are harmless.

I see it as a mental flaw in the other person which is really unattractive to me

That's how I see it too and I just don't know what to do. He argues that they aren't big deals but they are they're lies. It's like he gets a kick out of lying.

meeeeh

The bank thing could be a worry the rest is minor stuff. Unless they/you have some financial difficulties or are saving for something I think the questioning about the price of stuff is annoying and sometimes even controlling. More inquisitive you are more people will lie about the small stuff just to avoid confrontation.

I would be worried if my partner had a secret bank account after more than ten years together. I wouldn't be worried after a year or two in a relationship.

HeavyHeaded

meeeeh wrote: »

The bank thing could be a worry the rest is minor stuff. Unless they/you have some financial difficulties or are saving for something I think the questioning about the price of stuff is annoying and sometimes even controlling. More inquisitive you are more people will lie about the small stuff just to avoid confrontation.

I would be worried if my partner had a secret bank account after more than ten years together. I wouldn't be worried after a year or two in a relationship.

So would you be inclined to let minor stuff slide? I have definitly become controlling but I feel I have become controlling because of these little lies. I don't like being lied to. I don't understand in my head why would would say you bought something in Dunnes if you got it in tesco. To me that is so stupid that it's suspicious.

Ursus Horribilis

It would probably become a deal breaker for me. I don't mind white lies but the sort of things you've described would really put me off. Already this has become a cancer in your relationship and you're probably no longer taking anything he says at face value. That's no way to live.

I had a colleague like that and I think he lost the respect of everyone in the office because of all those little lies. He thought it was great craic but to us his words became meaningless background noise.

HeavyHeaded

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It would probably become a deal breaker for me. I don't mind white lies but the sort of things you've described would really put me off. Already this has become a cancer in your relationship and you're probably no longer taking anything he says at face value. That's no way to live.

I had a colleague like that and I think he lost the respect of everyone in the office because of all those little lies. He thought it was great craic but to us his words became meaningless background noise.

I know if I got caught out on a lie I would just apologise. I'd be embarrassed and apologise for doing it and that's that. He gets defensive and a cancer is exactly what it has become. On the other hand I don't want to be the controlling partner that people lie to

meeeeh

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

So would you be inclined to let minor stuff slide? I have definitly become controlling but I feel I have become controlling because of these little lies. I don't like being lied to. I don't understand in my head why would would say you bought something in Dunnes if you got it in tesco. To me that is so stupid that it's suspicious.

I don't ask about prices for small stuff and neither does OH. We are not well off but we are comfortable enough to have some money left over for discretionary spending. I would find it very annoying if I had to explain my purchases. I don't need to lie so I don't. Oh is a bit bigger spender and I know he doesn't tell me actual cost of some more expensive stuff that he buys (I don't ask for small stuff). As long as it's not impacting our financial security I am fine with it. It depends a lot on personal circumstances.

HeavyHeaded

meeeeh wrote: »

I don't ask about prices for small stuff and neither does OH. We are not well off but we are comfortable enough to have some money left over for discretionary spending. I would find it very annoying if I had to explain my purchases. I don't need to so I don't. Oh is a bit bigger spender and I know he doesn't tell me actual cost of some more expensive stuff that he buys (I don't ask for small stuff). As long as it's not impacting our financial security I am fine with it. It depends a lot on personal circumstances.

It's not even personal purchases. For example if he brought home something for dinner I might say "oh that was nice how much was it" and he'd lie about it. Totally pointless I don't understand why you would like about something like a tray of chicken

woodchuck

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I have definitly become controlling but I feel I have become controlling because of these little lies.

I think we need more context of how long you're together and when and how the lies started.

I've picked out the questions from your post below:

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

You ask them how much something was

You ask them if they had lunch today

You find a bank card from a bank you didn't know they were with.

Said they weren't smoking

When you ask him where he bought something

To be honest, they DO sound very controlling, which you've admitted to yourself. I wouldn't be happy with my partner checking up on my whereabouts, what I'm eating, where I'm shopping, how much money I'm spending on small purchases etc.

So which came first, his lies or your overbearing questions?

HeavyHeaded

Together over a decade. Not of the questions are me interrogating him just general chit chat and he still lies.
Lies started maybe a year ago. Couple of different issues I don't really want to mention here but he done so things that he shouldn't of, big things. Lying being one of them, we gave it another go and now he's still lying about small stuff

Colser

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Together over a decade. Not of the questions are me interrogating him just general chit chat and he still lies.
Lies started maybe a year ago. Couple of different issues I don't really want to mention here but he done so things that he shouldn't of, big things. Lying being one of them, we gave it another go and now he's still lying about small stuff

It'll wreck your head and he'll twist it around making you out to be the mad/psycho/controlling one.
I'm going to guess that you caught cheating or similar and this is happening since.You'd be wasting your time staying with someone who can't even tell the truth about the smallest of things imo,it'll wear you down and have you constantly second guessing everything he tells you.

bee06

It would be a deal breaker for me. If you can’t trust a word out of his mouth what’s the point of the relationship. It sounds like he’s just lying for the craic as well. It’s pretty strange behaviour.

HeavyHeaded

Colser wrote: »

It'll wreck your head and he'll twist it around making you out to be the mad/psycho/controlling one.
I'm going to guess that you caught cheating or similar and this is happening since.You'd be wasting your time staying with someone who can't even tell the truth about the smallest of things imo,it'll wear you down and have you constantly second guessing everything he tells you.

It does. I wears me down everyday even something like "are you home yet" I can't trust if his response is the truth or not.
I also have issues with trust and self esteem too which don't help.

woodchuck

It's strange that you're together a decade and the lies only started a year ago. I know you said there are other issues you don't want to mention, but do they have any connection with the beginning of his lying? Have you talked to him about why he lies and told him it makes you feel?

For the record, I wouldn't be happy with these lies either. But if you're together a decade and it's a recent phenomenon, I'd try to get to the root cause of the issue before throwing in the towel.

HeavyHeaded

bee06 wrote: »

It would be a deal breaker for me. If you can’t trust a word out of his mouth what’s the point of the relationship. It sounds like he’s just lying for the craic as well. It’s pretty strange behaviour.

It's really strange. Annoys me that when I ask him why he would lie about something trivial he will say "oh because it's not worth the fight if I tell the truth" he can't grasp the concept that lying is the issue.

Big Bag of Chips

Heavyheaded, I recognised your username and this is not the first thread you have started about him, is it? I don't know what extra advice people can give you. I know when you have invested so much time in a relationship you can often think you're going to stick it out rather than "waste" all those years that you've given to it by ending it. But then what you do is continue to waste the rest of your life being unhappy constantly.

You really are not happy in this relationship. You can't even communicate with each other on a basic level. I think your only option would be to suggest you attend counselling together to learn how to talk to each other. If you can't do that then you need to consider if you should go your separate ways. It sounds like you are both just tolerating each other for fear of being single.

HeavyHeaded

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Heavyheaded, I recognised your username and this is not the first thread you have started about him, is it? I don't know what extra advice people can give you. I know when you have invested so much time in a relationship you can often think you're going to stick it out rather than "waste" all those years that you've given to it by ending it. But then what you do is continue to waste the rest of your life being unhappy constantly.

You really are not happy in this relationship. You can't even communicate with each other on a basic level. I think your only option would be to suggest you attend counselling together to learn how to talk to each other. If you can't do that then you need to consider if you should go your separate ways. It sounds like you are both just tolerating each other for fear of being single.

Completely agree and I've started counselling a few weeks ago and have only in the last week brought up about the relationship issues.

Colser

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Completely agree and I've started counselling a few weeks ago and have only in the last week brought up about the relationship issues.

Do you really want to stay with him or are you nervous about breaking up and starting again?

HeavyHeaded

Colser wrote: »

Do you really want to stay with him or are you nervous about breaking up and starting again?

Both I think. I want things to be good again.
If they can't be good again I want to get away even though that scares me

HeavyHeaded

woodchuck wrote: »

It's strange that you're together a decade and the lies only started a year ago. I know you said there are other issues you don't want to mention, but do they have any connection with the beginning of his lying? Have you talked to him about why he lies and told him it makes you feel?

For the record, I wouldn't be happy with these lies either. But if you're together a decade and it's a recent phenomenon, I'd try to get to the root cause of the issue before throwing in the towel.

I recall maybe two examples in the first ten years of lies and they were smoking related. Saying he had quit when he hadnt. As a none smoker i don't get it but apparently I tried to understand

Dial Hard

woodchuck wrote:

To be honest, they DO sound very controlling, which you've admitted to yourself. I wouldn't be happy with my partner checking up on my whereabouts, what I'm eating, where I'm shopping, how much money I'm spending on small purchases etc.

I don't think people who haven't been in this position know how crazy the constant lies can make you. My sister went out with a pathological liar a few years ago and she said it *did* make her feel like a controlling harridan, constantly questioning him about things that seem very minor in the grand scheme of things, but which were all adding up to a much bigger picture. Little white lies to avoid conflict now and then are part and parcel of any relationship. Lies for the sake of lying are something else altogether and the OP is right to be concerned.

OP, what will happen here is that the lies will get bigger and bigger and even more ridiculous but the bottom line is that your partner probably actually believes them himself and can't understand why you don't. Or he doesn't see his lying as a big deal and, again, can't see why it bothers you. Either way, he's probably not going to change. Given the other problems in your relationship BBoC has referred to, I know what I'd be doing.

HeavyHeaded

Dial Hard wrote: »

I don't think people who haven't been in this position know how crazy the constant lies can make you. My sister went out with a pathological liar a few years ago and she said it *did* make her feel like a controlling harridan, constantly questioning him about things that seem very minor in the grand scheme of things, but which were all adding up to a much bigger picture. Little white lies to avoid conflict now and then are part and parcel of any relationship. Lies for the sake of lying are something else altogether and the OP is right to be concerned.

OP, what will happen here is that the lies will get bigger and bigger and even more ridiculous but the bottom line is that your partner probably actually believes them himself and can't understand why you don't. Or he doesn't see his lying as a big deal and, again, can't see why it bothers you. Either way, he's probably not going to change. Given the other problems in your relationship BBoC has referred to, I know what I'd be doing.

Agree and I'm the type of person who can admit when they are wrong. I know I can be controlling and down right annoying but I'm not like that with everyone or never was with him so this to me proves he is the problem and he holds the power to change it and he has tried and things get good for a while and then it's back

Big Bag of Chips

So many stupid lies could be the symptom of something bigger. My friends husband used to lie about the most ridiculous insignificant things. Things that, like your bf, were irrelevant. The truth would be do simple, yet the lie would be told instead. For a long time she didn't realise he was lying of course. Then bit by bit things started to fall apart. Turns out he had a huge gambling problem and gambling debt. 2 loans, 2 credit cards and had topped the mortgage up numerous times, forging her signature on documents.

He was so used to lying to cover the extent of the problem that the lies just carried into every part of his day. And much like your bf he didn't the problem, or worse, had himself convinced that he wasn't lying.

B.A._Baracus

A collection of smaller lies is just as bad as one serious big lie.
We don't like to compare it but trust is like a scorecard. Our actions either add to trust or add to distrust.

If he is lying about the little things he will graduate to lying about the big things. If he has not already.
You can't trust someone like that so why be with someone like that.

No one is perfect. We all tell white lies. But from what you said the scales are extremely tipped on one side.

meeeeh

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Agree and I'm the type of person who can admit when they are wrong. I know I can be controlling and down right annoying but I'm not like that with everyone or never was with him so this to me proves he is the problem and he holds the power to change it and he has tried and things get good for a while and then it's back

If he is avoiding arguments it could be the two of you in it. Whatever the reason for small lies I think you have a bigger problem anyway. A secret bank account after ten years together is not a good sign. That is the bit I would be worried about.

Ursus Horribilis

I read back over another thread of yours and am wondering what exactly it is you're getting from this relationship? It sounds toxic and this lying thing is just another layer on top of everyone else. The pair of you don't seem to be capable of conducting yourselves like grown-ups. Are you bringing out the worst in each other I wonder? I'm also thinking that the behaviour of your partner might be feeding into the other issues you've posted about here. You sound miserable and maybe he is too.

I think the pair of you could do with talking to a relationship counsellor if you still want to save this. The way things are going, you'll be back here posting about something else in a couple of months.

Whispered

Funny BBOC mentioned gambling. From experience, it was my first thought. I would fear that he is up to something which requires him to lie and it's spilling over into every day life.