Relationship coming to an end? or am i ridiculous?

hal9550

Hi

I met someone last August. Recently iv been having serious doubts, and i welcome opinions from everyone. We are both aged around late 30s

The Good.

We met and it started slowly, simply dating and it certainly wasnt exclusive at the start, for either of us. We were open and honest about this. I was certainly interested as was the Lady. I have kids which she was fine with, and im not in permanent employment. I only mention it as it has been an issue for me in the past. But with this lady, the issues didnt seem to matter. We became very close over Christmas and both admitted that we were in love, and that the love was growing as time moved on. I got a spare set of Keys Cut, which seemed logical and decent considering my house is near to where the lady works and if she is working late, im always happy to have her come and go (its a question of her travelling for upward of 90 minutes to get back to her mums or getting a 15min bus to mine so). She was delighted and i think, if anything, we became even closer. The genuine prospect of this lady being 'the one' seemed very real to me. She seemed so outgoing, full of life, energetic, and was interested in me in a very real and sincere way.. until recently, the thoughts that it might end were furthest from my mind.

The Bad

It started off as what i would call simple advice, which was appreciated and in most cases adopted for the general good. Simple things with regard to my diet, the tidyness of my house (where my kids come to stay every week).. that kinda thing. I have always been one to genuinely accept advice and i can also take criticisms in my stride. I consider myself a decent person but of course im not perfect. The advice related behaviors that we all know are silly.. but having a loved one actually highlight them.. well im man enough to say.. yea.. your right.. need to cut down on this, or pay more attention to that etc

However lately the criticism seems to be coming more and more, and on many issues where i dont necessarily think it is warranted. Examples include my diet (she is very 'organic' oriented and sometimes attacks my propensity to eat Red Meat frequently).. Again i can see this as possibly a simple 'agree to disagree moment'.. yet to her, she highlights many things including diet as an almost DEAL BREAKER in her mind.

Many years ago i quit smoking in favor of an E-Cig, and this is another massively divisive subject. Im proud of that achievement, yet she continually berates me about my E-Vaping. Time and time again it begins an argument between us. She also begins these discussions and disagreements on front of family and friends, including my sister, who ACTUALLY first highlighted this attitude as a possible problem.

If i had one central argument against this lady it would be this. She simply cannot agree to disagree on issues and subjects, from diet to politics, e-smoking to boating in what she deems to be 'poor conditions'.. She has her opinions, they are correct, and (almost perfect quote).. 'She doesnt believe she can be with someone who doesnt agree'

What sparked this post was the latest argument. I have been busy with work (non-permanent manual work but its something at least), and my place generally became untidy. i must emphasize that it is in fact MY HOUSE.. Anyway she launched a serious tirade against me, saying things like 'i cannot live this way'.. and 'its pathetic that i cannot tidy up after myself'. On finding me having a few beers while watching the rugby, she also attacked saying that 'its ridiculous to drink alone, regardless of the occasion'.

When i have confronted her on her behavior, and highlighted what i believe to be 'self centered' attitudes to every day decisions and activities, she tends to snap and revert to vague threats about her 'unwillingness to continue unless change is apparent'.

So the question.. Am i being unreasonable in highlighting these issues? or am i being taken for a ride? Somewhere in between perhaps? thanks in advance, and appreciate all opinions, good or bad.

Hitman3000

hal9550 wrote:

So the question.. Am i being unreasonable in highlighting these issues? or am i being taken for a ride? Somewhere in between perhaps? thanks in advance, and appreciate all opinions, good or bad.

It's clear to me and by what she has said you two are not compatible. Both late 30's are you really willing to try and change nearly everything about yourself to please her? My advice would be to call it a day especially if she rows with you in front of family. That's a deal breaker to me, no respect.

Dial Hard

She sounds very inflexible and unwilling to compromise. How long had she been single before you guys met? I ask because sometimes people who have been single for a long time get very used to having everything on their terms and can find it hard to get used to having to consider someone else's wants, needs and opinions again.

Having said that, her intractability would raise some red flags for me. There's "Oh sh!t, I've forgotten what it's like to have to factor in another person" and there's "I'm right and that's that and the matter simply isn't up for discussion" and in my experience, those types of people don't tend to change.

It sounds like you got a bit carried away in the initial flush of the relationship and gave her the key to your house in what were very early days, really, and now you're starting to see aspects of her personality that she either kept hidden or you just missed in the heady days at the start.

I'd be having a long, hard think about whether this is a relationship you want to be in long-term, tbh.

georgina toadbum

She seems very high strung and unreasonable but we're only hearing one side of the story.

How untidy are we talking here? Are we talking clothes being left around or dirty plates and dishes everywhere?

Do you vape in the house, in her company or go outdoors?

Regarding the red meat and diet thing; do you have health risks? Are you overweight and she's trying to help? Granted her methods of helping are making the situation worse.

You need to ask yourself if she makes you happy and if she's the right person for you. If you aren't happy there's no point in being in the relationship.

hal9550

georgina toadbum wrote: »

She seems very high strung and unreasonable but we're only hearing one side of the story.

How untidy are we talking here? Are we talking clothes being left around or dirty plates and dishes everywhere?

Do you vape in the house, in her company or go outdoors?

Regarding the red meat and diet thing; do you have health risks? Are you overweight and she's trying to help? Granted her methods of helping are making the situation worse.

You need to ask yourself if she makes you happy and if she's the right person for you. If you aren't happy there's no point in being in the relationship.

Il answer the questions:

Im untidy as opposed to dirty (again i have to highlight this is my house) - dirty for me would imply dirty plates, stale food, that kinda thing - Im more untidy when im rushing - Doors left open - things generally messy as opposed to dirty - silly stuff - while one could say its no big deal to be tidier - i would say its equally no big deal NOT to make a mountain out of an ant hill RE tidyness - and i would NEVER expect anyone to tidy up after me - i give my place a WOPPER clean once a week - it tends to slowly degrade until CLEANING day- and tbh im comfortable with that

On the Vaping issue, i will, without meaning to cause insult or argument, say that yes i vape in the house - it is after all my house. I would never be the person who would make a point of doing it up close and personal - i have an old chair i used to smoke in and thats where i sit - its out of the way, and i thoroughly cleaned when i quit smoking! its another pride point for me - a dusty but comfy old chair that no longer smells of stale smoke - FYI - my ecig isnt one of those enormous ones we see every day - its small, shaped like a cigarette, and NO ONE, besides her has ever complained. i have a friend who has had serious chest infections in the past and he has STOPPED me from going outside when im in his - theres no need to, his dad smoked and he remembers that, this is nothing like that, and he is proud of me

On the Diet thing, i consider my diet to be decent for the most part - But she has a brother who converted to veganism and is involved with various 'alternative' modes of thinking RE food and nutrition.. and no im not overweight in any serious ways - i have a few lb to lose but my workouts in the gym are knocking that out of me weekly. I would also have to say, without seeming crass, that if either of us has a weight problem, well its not me - i adore this lady and utterly fancy her, but she could lose more than a few lb

I agree with you that you are only hearing one side of this - of course- and its an obvious line to take - If you asked the lady in question she would tell you i am very unhealthy - but her opinion on this is based on several things, which i do not accept - I eat meat every day (fish, red meat, chicken etc) - I use sweetners in my tea and soft drinks are diet (utterly convinced this will kill me) - and im untidy (see above)

I have NO ISSUE with the above opinions - but i retain the right not to subscribe to them - thats where the problem lies - its in her inability to accept a disagreement - she is ABSOLUTELY correct

georgina toadbum

You seem to be very fixated on the fact that it's your house. Yes, it's your house but you have opened it up to your partner by giving her a key. You might think her complaints are unreasonable but would you prefer if she just didn't come over? Do you not want her to be comfortable there? Is there a compromise to be made on both sides?

TBH, I find vaping equally as bad as smoking and I would leave a room if someone started doing it in my presence. I have many friends who vape (and own their own homes) who don't do it indoors as the lingering smell can be as unpleasant as smoking. You might not get this smell, but as a non-smoker, it can be quite strong.

I also would find it quite insulting that someone has invited me to their home but it's messy. If this was a once off, sure I'd let it go but this is obviously a recurrent issue. Do you not have a sense of pride in your house? If you're saying it's untidy then surely 5 mins a day putting things away would help alleviate that issue?

Regarding the diet, I don't think you're ever going to win against a certain type of militant vegetarians/vegans. This would be the deal breaker for me.

LoMismo

It sounds like she’s doing your head in, one way or another. I find once this kind of nagging starts the relationship doesn’t get any better only worse. She’ll prob always be at you over one thing or another by the sounds of things.
Of course this is only your side of the story, she may have grounds to be in your face to some extent, but it’s all a recipe for resentment between the two of you. From my experience once this kind of stuff creeps in it’s pretty much the end of the relationship. You need to have a long think about whether this can work. I dare say if it was a man behaving how she is she’d be called controlling etc.

hal9550

georgina toadbum wrote: »

You seem to be very fixated on the fact that it's your house. Yes, it's your house but you have opened it up to your partner by giving her a key. You might think her complaints are unreasonable but would you prefer if she just didn't come over? Do you not want her to be comfortable there? Is there a compromise to be made on both sides?

TBH, I find vaping equally as bad as smoking and I would leave a room if someone started doing it in my presence. I have many friends who vape (and own their own homes) who don't do it indoors as the lingering smell can be as unpleasant as smoking. You might not get this smell, but as a non-smoker, it can be quite strong.

I also would find it quite insulting that someone has invited me to their home but it's messy. If this was a once off, sure I'd let it go but this is obviously a recurrent issue. Do you not have a sense of pride in your house? If you're saying it's untidy then surely 5 mins a day putting things away would help alleviate that issue?

Regarding the diet, I don't think you're ever going to win against a certain type of militant vegetarians/vegans. This would be the deal breaker for me.

I think there is a compromise in all things but i have to reflect on how I would behave in someone elses place - i would not criticize at all tbh - in terms of me being adamant that it is my place, well again i see what your saying. But i just feel that yes i opened it up. made serious allowances to give the lady space and make her feel comfortable - but i am also entitled to feel comfortable in my own place dont you think? If i was chain smoking 60 rothmans a day like i did previously id agree with you but on this i think its a tad much from her.

Im not going to debate the prose and cons of vaping v smoking but vaping changed my life for the better - im fitter, stronger, and way more confident in myself - that doesnt even touch the financial and actual health improvements iv noticed - no more pesky chest infections 10 times a year etc

As to the house being untidy, again i think perhaps im not being clear - on several occasions the lady has berrated me - for not washing a cup - once i genuinely felt the house was perfectly clean - she thought otherwise and argued along your lines of it representing disrespect - we are talking about a three bedroom house - im totally satisfied if the tables are cleared - nothing on the floor - and the vast majority of dishes and cutlery washed or ready to wash in the basin - my place remains like that 90% of the time - untidy is more a question of it being perhaps slightly disorganized - plates are washed but not on the shelf - perhaps a glass on the table - the bread bin left open or a coffee stain on the table.. i consider that to be petty- but again i take what you are saying

RE the alternative diet, i agree - i fell out with a long term vegan friend for that reason.. being accused of mass murder at the dinner table is rather annoying - with the lady in question, its her opinionated nature - 'a friend told her this, her brother agreed, and she looked it up and somebody online agrees - therefore, STOP USING SWEETNERS AND EATING RED MEAT FOOL OR YOU WILL DIE (daily)

georgina toadbum

I think it's clear that the relationship has come to an end. You are quite angry with her and I'm not sure there's any coming back from that.

leahyl

OP, if she is truly like this, then she sounds a bit over the top to be honest. I'm thinking ye are not compatible...best to end it I think. If she has only moved in and you are already frustrated, imagine a few years down the line.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Do you want to be in this relationship with this person ?

My gut feeling is no, your done. And in your shoes i would feel the same way. You have tried to get her to see your POV and its not worked.
Time to say goodbye.

zoobizoo

hal9550 wrote: »

Hi

The Bad
...... many things including diet as an almost DEAL BREAKER in her mind.

. She also begins these discussions and disagreements on front of family and friends, including my sister.......

..... 'its pathetic ......'.

'its ridiculous .....'.

........ 'unwillingness to continue unless change is apparent'.,,,,

.

If a gf of mine acted the way your partner does, I'd break up.

It's not that she has an issue with certain things, it's the "my way or the highway" attitude.

People like this are never happy - you can never make them happy. You can never reach their level of cleanliness because only they know what is acceptable. You don't know what it is until you're told what you've done isn't good enough.

You'll find that your happiness is dependent on them....

So you won't have that beer that you want... even though there's no harm in it. You won't go to meet that friend she isn't keen on.... you'll stop watching sport because she thinks it's a futile thing to do... you'll only go to places she likes and to see movies she wants to see/

You'll start responding "I don't mind" instead of "I'd like to....."

I describe people like this as "tree surgeons"... they'll start cutting off the branches of your personality until you're just left as a stump.


Bringing this up in front of your family and friends is unacceptable - you are allowed a private life.



I think the house isssue just brings it to the fore for you.

sozbox

hal9550 wrote: »

'unwillingness to continue unless change is apparent'.

This is something you'd hear at an HR performance review. She sounds nuts. Run.

redfox123

You know you two aren't compatible. She is set in her ways and will slowly wear you down, she has one foot out the door already with her threats and ultimatums, but while she's hardly over the moon with you, she thinks you're a nice safe bet for her. Sorry but it sounds like you need someone very laid back, which she is not. Nothing wrong with the way you both are individually but you will seriously wreck each other's heads.
I was with a very highly strung, inflexible, my way or highway type and as much as I tried to make it work it turned very toxic, me always trying to change to his whims and him absolutely not compromising in any way, ever. The dynamic was set from early on. Leave now, things will get worse. Be prepared for her to swiftly change her attitude when you say so though as she doesn't think you'd be the one to leave as she thinks she has the power, but don't listen to any of it.

WIZWEB

OP it sounds like she's trying to CONTROL you. If compromises can't be agreed then attempts are being made at dominating you through minimising your desires. In worse case scenarios this abuse can escalate if unchallenged. Have a serious convo. If a fair solution to both of you can't be agreed then you know exactly where you stand and have some idea of what lies ahead unless you escape.

Purple Mountain

You are who you are.
She is who she is.
Neither one of you has the right to ask the other to change.
Of course, gentle advice is OK.
Or a stern talking to if you were on a crash course to endangering your health or someone else's.
She does not get to dictate to you as you have outlined above.
Time to leave.
The resentment is already showing.

leggo

“View someone’s treatment of you as a reflection of their relationship with themselves, not you.”

People who are unhappy within themselves often deal with it by projecting onto other people. That’s why what you do will never seem to be enough, there’s no standard you can reach that will satisfy her because it’s in the mirror she needs to look and she’s choosing to look outward and blame the world instead. When you spoke of her perhaps affording to lose a few pounds herself but militantly criticising your diet as unhealthy, for example, it spoke volumes. I’ve known loads of people who respond to their own weight struggles by lecturing others instead of eating healthier themselves and working out. It tells you a lot about a person’s personality.

Now you might make the rookie error of reading that and thinking, “Oh I can fix it by just building her up and things will be better!” But that’s not how it works. If she’s at the stage of lashing out at others, she’s communicating that she’s unwilling to look inward and address these issues. If her reaction to feeling insecure is to default to near-abusive behaviour, especially at her age it’s pretty set in stone that that’s just who she is as a person.

Wrap it up now. The resentment is starting to kick in and that’s a death knell for any relationship going under a year, it’s not going to get better, only worse.

Purple Mountain

leggo wrote: »

“View someone’s treatment of you as a reflection of their relationship with themselves, not you.”

People who are unhappy within themselves often deal with it by projecting onto other people. That’s why what you do will never seem to be enough, there’s no standard you can reach that will satisfy her because it’s in the mirror she needs to look and she’s choosing to look outward and blame the world instead. When you spoke of her perhaps affording to lose a few pounds herself but militantly criticising your diet as unhealthy, for example, it spoke volumes. I’ve known loads of people who respond to their own weight struggles by lecturing others instead of eating healthier themselves and working out. It tells you a lot about a person’s personality.

Now you might make the rookie error of reading that and thinking, “Oh I can fix it by just building her up and things will be better!” But that’s not how it works. If she’s at the stage of lashing out at others, she’s communicating that she’s unwilling to look inward and address these issues. If her reaction to feeling insecure is to default to near-abusive behaviour, especially at her age it’s pretty set in stone that that’s just who she is as a person.

Wrap it up now. The resentment is starting to kick in and that’s a death knell for any relationship going under a year, it’s not going to get better, only worse.

Very well put.
It's that saying. 'Pick up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass'.

Big Bag of Chips

hal9550 wrote: »

she highlights many things including diet as an almost DEAL BREAKER in her mind.....

She has her opinions, they are correct, and (almost perfect quote).. 'She doesnt believe she can be with someone who doesnt agree'

Call her bluff and tell her you appreciate her position and you could not expect her to continue a relationship where you both have such opposing views and expectations. Ask her for your key back and wish her well.

And then that's it.

I get the point being made by another poster that it is your house, but you have opened it up to her. Equally though, you are not forcing her to be there against her will. You are offering it as an alternative to going home occasionally. If she doesn't like it, she is under no obligation to stay.

She keeps threatening to break up, but not actually doing it. I can't see that she's going to change drastically (she's hoping you'll be the one to do that). There's a phrase, "if you want to know me, come live with me". Now you know each other, it's not as much fun as it was in the early days.. And to be honest this is still relatively early days. Can you picture 10-15-20 years of this?!