Heartbroken and lost

Brokenheart18

Hi,

Really hoping someone could give me some advice as I’m so lost at the minute. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend since school coming on close to a decade now and we have lived together for I would say the majority of this period. Several weeks ago I discovered he was having a relationship with a girl from his work who is much younger. He slept with her in our bed while I was at work and our shared car. For weeks I had been paranoid due to his change in behaviour and his constant texting to the point where he was ignoring me. A few weeks before I discovered this, he had taken her out for the day and I was aware he wasn’t where he told me he was so I confronted him to which a large argument ensued and he swore blind I was paranoid and it was all in my head. He even showed me things from a jewellers about engagement rings he was looking at for me yet low and behold a few weeks later I discover the concrete proof; messages on his phone and a florist order for flowers I didn’t receive.

I confronted him yet again and it took me hours to get the truth out of him and even then he kept lying and not owning up to anything or downplaying and backtracking. To say this was a complete shock for me is an understatement as our relationship wasn’t perfect but I didn’t feel it was that dire, it has been a lot worse years ago when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and we worked through it.

His reason for seeing this girl were that I wasn’t giving him enough sex and he felt like it wasn’t going anywhere anymore given that I was due to move to take up a job offer. He said he just got caught up in it. Now I’m not so naive and stupid to buy all of that when it wasn’t my reality and he had amply opportunity to fess up when I started to suspect. I kicked him out of our home.

A few days later I was snooping because I had too many unanswered questions. I discovered online profiles which proved that he is a crossdresser and he also has been cheating on me for a very long time with random men, again having them in my home while I was at work. To say I was shocked is an understatement I feel like everything I thought I’ve known for the majority of my life has been a lie. He’s extremely masculine and not for one second did I ever think he was bi or anything. I felt like my world had just fallen apart even more.

I confronted him about all of this also whilst trying to be as understanding as I could because as stupid as it sounds I didnt want to hurt his feelings in relation to something I don’t have much of an understanding for. He was extremely upset and distressed and I tried to reassure him as best I could that the dressing was not an issue and that I wished he’d told me so I could have been there for him or helped and I made clear that the cheating is what hurt me more than anything.

I don’t even know how to process all of this or what to do, I don’t have any family and I don’t have many friends let alone any I could talk to about all of this. To make things even worse all of this happened during a time in which I was supposed to be concentrating on exams which I feel I failed and as such I am sure to lose the job that I am due to start in a few weeks. I feel as though I’ve lost everything.

I have since allowed him back into the home (not in the same room) and he works most of the time anyway and I have been away doing exams but I just don’t know what to do. He is adamant he’s sorry and wants to try make it up to me but I am so lost and heartbroken I’m not even functioning. Apologies for the long winded post but I just don’t know what else to do.

Thanks,

Neyite

Do you want to stay and mend it, or is it over as far as you are concerned?

Initally, either way you need space to deal with what you are going through - and that space should not include him. What's your housing set up- can either of you move out?

And I'm sorry to say you probably need to book an STI check up as well.

This is not your fault. This is all on him.

Brokenheart18

Neyite wrote: »

Do you want to stay and mend it, or is it over as far as you are concerned?

Initally, either way you need space to deal with what you are going through - and that space should not include him. What's your housing set up- can either of you move out?

And I'm sorry to say you probably need to book an STI check up as well.

This is not your fault. This is all on him.

Thanks so much Neyite really appreciate the response! I don’t know to be honest I’ve more questions than answers at the minute and still too shocked and upset, I don’t even know where to start.

For the moment he can stay elsewhere but not every night, I haven’t been there the last week due to the exams and the doctors is the next on my list I don’t know how I’m going to explain it all without being quizzed!

Thank you for your kind words

Sunflower 27

After a decade I can understand why the thought of breaking up is heartbreaking and scary.

However, this is a massive betrayal. Do you think you could ever trust him? Maybe you should consider some counselling to work out what you want.

I really feel for you, but this is your precious life. Don't waste it.

Purple Mountain

Do not be worried about your doctor quizzing you.
That's the good thing about a doctor.
It's like going to confession.
Just talk honestly about the situation and you'll get a non judgemental ear.
I think you need a non biased ear to talk to also so would you book a therapist?
You've had a massive shock.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

dellas1979

FizzleSticks wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Oh you poor crater

1000000% agree with the above.

OP, while the confusion, the hurt, the big emotions, while all these things are going on, I dont think either it is wise to have him in the house, right now.

Everyday in a situation like this (massive upset and shock), take tiny baby steps and again per above, space.

And most of all, be kind to yourself during this time. Dont beat yourself up for what he did.

Mongfinder General

Get rid now and get tested for STI’s. Sex with gay men is very risky - he is an absolute rat bag if he has exposed you to this.
He has been deceiving you in multiple ways for a long time - this Is unlikely to change going forward.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, but the one thing I notice is that he cheated on you. He lied. He betrayed you in the worst possible way, yet he's the one that gets upset and ends up being comforted. You're obviously a nice, genuine person and he is using that to his advantage. He knows that you are not the type to turn your back on someone. His problems are his. If he is "confused" or whatever that's his problem to sort out. It's not your job to support him through that.

Please, take care of yourself now. Get an STI check. And ask him to go somewhere else. Trust me, if you remove your support and accommodation he won't end up homeless. He'll find someone else.

Bambi985

It's very hard to see the wood for the trees when you've been betrayed by someone you love, so I'll point out the obvious. Your boyfriend is at the very least bisexual, the crossdressing is absolutely not going to go away and neither is the cheating. It's been habitual over years, so any words he throws at you now that his cover is blown mean absolutely nothing.

I know you're fragile, weak and feel absolutely broken at the moment - trust me I know how utterly paralysing that can be - but you need to get away from this man as a matter of urgency. You cannot live under the same roof as someone who has destroyed your life and self-esteem in this way, at least not until you've had a chance to process everything and to heal. Can you call a friend for a favour and ask to sleep on their couch for a few weeks, while you line up somewhere new?

julyjane

It jumped out at me from your post that you say you have no family and few friends? Why is this, have you become isolated over time due to your relationship because this is a classic narcissists control tactic.

Your GP will not bat an eyelid if you ask for STI test, they have heard it all before. They may have a practice nurse who can do the tests. I've been tested for some STIs as a prerequisite for getting the mirena coil and it is as quick and as easy as having a smear test. They will also have names of counsellor/psychotherapists but if you'd rather source on yourself then www.iacp.ie has well qualified ones.

Redser87

Could you also talk to the welfare officer in college and see about getting your exams deferred?
I have no advice other than that but I couldn't not respond, I hope you get things back on track soon and put yourself first above this cheating slimebag. You've really been put through the mills. Take care of yourself.

Brokenheart18

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Do not be worried about your doctor quizzing you.
That's the good thing about a doctor.
It's like going to confession.
Just talk honestly about the situation and you'll get a non judgemental ear.
I think you need a non biased ear to talk to also so would you book a therapist?
You've had a massive shock.

Hi Purple Mountain,

Thanks so much for your post I really appreciate the kind words and support I am getting on here. I am speaking to my doctor shortly and will ask about counselling as I can’t afford to do so privately at the moment.

Brokenheart18

Bambi985 wrote: »

It's very hard to see the wood for the trees when you've been betrayed by someone you love, so I'll point out the obvious. Your boyfriend is at the very least bisexual, the crossdressing is absolutely not going to go away and neither is the cheating. It's been habitual over years, so any words he throws at you now that his cover is blown mean absolutely nothing.

I know you're fragile, weak and feel absolutely broken at the moment - trust me I know how utterly paralysing that can be - but you need to get away from this man as a matter of urgency. You cannot live under the same roof as someone who has destroyed your life and self-esteem in this way, at least not until you've had a chance to process everything and to heal. Can you call a friend for a favour and ask to sleep on their couch for a few weeks, while you line up somewhere new?

Hi Bambi985,

Thank you for your post I really appreciate it. I do agree about the living situation and thankfully I haven’t been there a whole pile for the last 2 weeks as I was away doing exams. I was due to move to another county to take up a new job in April (which was contingent on me passing the exams I have just finished) however I will have to tell them I don’t feel the exams went well. Is this a situation I could explain to them do you think? I am going to contact a friend who may be able to let me stay for a while or failing that request he goes elsewhere again given that this is his doing. Thanks again bambi985

Brokenheart18

julyjane wrote: »

It jumped out at me from your post that you say you have no family and few friends? Why is this, have you become isolated over time due to your relationship because this is a classic narcissists control tactic.

Your GP will not bat an eyelid if you ask for STI test, they have heard it all before. They may have a practice nurse who can do the tests. I've been tested for some STIs as a prerequisite for getting the mirena coil and it is as quick and as easy as having a smear test. They will also have names of counsellor/psychotherapists but if you'd rather source on yourself then www.iacp.ie has well qualified ones.

Hi Julyjane,

I’ve never had much family they are not exactly good people so I have been more or less on my own since I was 16-17. In relation to friends I have a small few but none that I feel I could talk about this to. Over the years I think people have gotten tired of telling me he would hurt me and others he didn’t get on with so eventually I think people just stopped caring and I have had bouts of depression in the past so I wouldn’t go out and I would avoid people where I could.

Thanks so much for the advice re counselling I’m seing my doctor shortly and will get tested and ask re the counselling.

Thanks for all your help I really appreciate it!

Brokenheart18

Redser87 wrote: »

Could you also talk to the welfare officer in college and see about getting your exams deferred?
I have no advice other than that but I couldn't not respond, I hope you get things back on track soon and put yourself first above this cheating slimebag. You've really been put through the mills. Take care of yourself.

Hi Redser87,

Thanks for the post, I really appreciate it. In relation to the exams, I am no longer in college, they are professional exams and I sat them over the last 2 weeks. I will have to try and contact the relevant office and see whether they can take my situation into account but I have a feeling I will be told it’s life these things happen. I’m just terrified in relation to the job I am supposed to start in 2 weeks as the contract is contingent on me passing the exams so I will have to tell them the exams didn’t go well and hope they don’t rescind my offer.

dellas1979

Brokenheart18 wrote: »

Hi Bambi985,
Failing that request he goes elsewhere again given that this is his doing.

You bet your ass he should be moving out.

So far, it sounds like he has taken none of the responsibility for what he has done. And youve gone into a spiral of "its my fault or I did something."

You shouldnt want to hold on to him because he was in your life and you are scared of being alone. Take time and space to properly take all this in!

You can build yourself back up again, and in time, you will, but not while he is around. Sucking off your self-esteem to, what, make the situation he created "better"?

The trust is well well gone. He broke it. His choices. His decisions.

You may be asking yourself "How could he do this to me!?" The question should be "how could he do this to himself?" Its a very very beyond poor reflection of him.

Brokenheart18

dellas1979 wrote: »

You bet your ass he should be moving out.

So far, it sounds like he has taken none of the responsibility for what he has done. And youve gone into a spiral of "its my fault or I did something."

You shouldnt want to hold on to him because he was in your life and you are scared of being alone. Take time and space to properly take all this in!

You can build yourself back up again, and in time, you will, but not while he is around. Sucking off your self-esteem to, what, make the situation he created "better"?

The trust is well well gone. He broke it. His choices. His decisions.

You may be asking yourself "How could he do this to me!?" The question should be "how could he do this to himself?" Its a very very beyond poor reflection of him.

Thank you so much Dellas1979, I really appreciate the kind words and support. I agree with everything you have said, thank you.

Can I ask another question? He has begged me not to tell anyone exactly the extent of what has gone on (crossdressing and men etc) and I don’t think I can do this nor do I think it is fair of him to ask this of me. Now it’s not something I would ever broadcast but his family are great to me especially his mother and stepmother. They are aware he cheated with a woman from work. I am quite close with his stepmom and she keeps asking me to meet up for a chat and I keep making excuses as I’m worried I would get too upset and tell her everything. Now she might not even want to talk about it she may just want to make sure I am ok but am I wrong to meet up with her?

Big Bag of Chips

I think you don't need to go into specifics but You can definitely tell people you caught him cheating. The specifics aren't important and it would only be for gossips' sake that people would be interested.

Brokenheart18

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think you don't need to go into specifics but You can definitely tell people you caught him cheating. The specifics aren't important and it would only be for gossips' sake that people would be interested.

Thank you Big Bag of Chips, yes I don’t want to say anything at all I’m just afraid I’d get too upset so I might just put it off till I’m a bit better to deal with it. Thanks

dellas1979

I would not go into specifics.

Time can be a funny thing. Things do come out eventually. Rest assured of that one. But its not your job to spill his beans.

We cant fast forward time. We cant manipulate it. Its something youve to go through. And cant avoid.

Its a crappy thing to hear when you feel destroyed. But time really is the only thing that will heal you. The longer he is around, the more time it will take you.

Brokenheart18

dellas1979 wrote: »

I would not go into specifics.

Time can be a funny thing. Things do come out eventually. Rest assured of that one. But its not your job to spill his beans.

We cant fast forward time. We cant manipulate it. Its something youve to go through. And cant avoid.

Its a crappy thing to hear when you feel destroyed. But time really is the only thing that will heal you. The longer he is around, the more time it will take you.

Thanks Dellas,

I’d rather not tell anyone anything at all as I’m sure it would do more harm than good I was just worried about being quizzed so I think I’ll avoid till I’m better able to deal with it.

Honestly thank you so much I appreciate all the help and kind words more than you will ever know.

WIZWEB

He's being unfaithful in a multitude of ways. His crossdressing is the least if your concerns. Most men who engage in that activity are heterosexual. Also many of us gay men are very masculine so don't worry too much about stereotyping. However he's being unfaithful with both men and women and is a liar as well as a cheat. He's narcissistically projected these infidelities towards you by passing blame your way. You've enough to deal with right now without babysitting this manchild. Walk away now (at least for a break) or you're given him full permission to disrespect you even more by tolerating his abuse. Be a doormat or don't be one. The choice is yours.