What did I do to deserve this? How do I "move on"?

hopelesslylost

As the title implies, this is the question I asked myself every single day and night since 2011, the year I found out my so-called 'wife' was having an affair.

It kills me inside to know she could do this to me and my son for nearly 5 years. It has pushed me so close to the point of suicide; many times I have gone to Howth looking at those cliffs, only to hesitate when thoughts of my beloved son entered my mind.

My wife obsessed about this guy she met on Facebook, and visited him many times whilst supposedly visiting her 'sick mother in her home country. We were married nearly 15 years at that point, and she callously led a double life of Skype calls in the middle of the night, Skype calls even when I was seriously ill in hospital etc.

Our son is very fragile, with anxiety issues, and I was terrified of confronting her for fear of damaging him more. Instead, I kept it bottled up inside me until the end of 2017, New year's Eve. Her affair had ended, but she didn't know I knew all along. I knew everything and finally built up the mental strength to confront her.

It was torture trying to get her to admit to the whole truth, and even now she lies persistently to cover her tracks. She had blocked the guy on Facebook, but she has since closed her account. She has also closed all her other social media accounts. She tells me that she wants us to have a future together, but I don't know how to see past the hurt of her betrayal.

She has said to me that she loves me, but I find that so hard to believe. She wants us to go to marriage counselling, but what use is that if I'm not emotionally ready?

I'm sorry for the rant, I'm just a lost soul.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever gone for counselling just for yourself? I think some self-care is a priority here.

hopelesslylost

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Have you ever gone for counselling just for yourself? I think some self-care is a priority here.

Unknown to herself, I saw a counsellor for over a year. I don't think it helped too much as the knowledge of what my wife was doing had my complete focus. I agree, it might be time for me to get some more help.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you might try a different counsellor? Some are better than others.

hopelesslylost

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Maybe you might try a different counsellor? Some are better than others.

I was thinking of Accord, but I'm a little concerned by their links to the Church, I'm not exactly what you'd call religious. The last thing I need is someone judgemental.

Sam Quentin

Without sounding flippant.
Isn't it great that she still wants you!?
Some men/women would do anything to have their real love back with them..
She hurt you so bad that's without question. At the end of the day you have a choice now to forgive and thread slowly as you move forward.
Or you can keep being hateful, resentful, SUICIDAL etc.
If you still love her and miss her then give it a go.
I'd never sit here and tell anyone who is hurting like you any different. The chance is there for you.. Your actually kinda lucky in a way!?

hopelesslylost

Sam Quentin wrote: »

Without sounding flippant.
Isn't it great that she still wants you!?
Some men/women would do anything to have their real love back with them..
She hurt you so bad that's without question. At the end of the day you have a choice now to forgive and thread slowly as you move forward.
Or you can keep being hateful, resentful, SUICIDAL etc.
If you still love her and miss her then give it a go.
I'd never sit here and tell anyone who is hurting like you any different. The chance is there for you.. Your actually kinda lucky in a way!?

I think being hateful is kind of normal when a person is betrayed in such an evil way. She, and she alone, is responsible for all of this. It takes a special kind of evil to do what she did, considering the inevitable effect it had on our son.

david75

Get out of there op.
Trust is broken and you can’t go back. She’ll never be the same in your eyes.
And kids pick up on that stuff.
Break it off and go look after yourself.
Hope you’re ok.

hopelesslylost

david75 wrote: »

Get out of there op.
Trust is broken and you can’t go back. She’ll never be the same in your eyes.
And kids pick up on that stuff.
Break it off and go look after yourself.
Hope you’re ok.[/quote

That's the quintessential issue now ...trust.

david75

hopelesslylost wrote: »

david75 wrote: »

Get out of there op.
Trust is broken and you can’t go back. She’ll never be the same in your eyes.
And kids pick up on that stuff.
Break it off and go look after yourself.
Hope you’re ok.[/quote

That's the quintessential issue now ...trust.

I have no worthy reply after that except to say when trust is broken once it will be consistently and frequently be broken.
It is not worth it. I know you’re hurting. But that’s no reason to put yourself in for more hurt.
Get out of there and look after yourself.

hopelesslylost

david75 wrote: »

hopelesslylost wrote: »

I have no worthy reply after that except to say when trust is broken once it will be consistently and frequently be broken.
It is not worth it. I know you’re hurting. But that’s no reason to put yourself in for more hurt.
Get out of there and look after yourself.

I have to be honest, I never felt hurt like this in my life.

david75

hopelesslylost wrote: »

david75 wrote: »

I have to be honest, I never felt hurt like this in my life.

Good news. It doesn’t last all that long. You’ll get over it. And move on. And you’ll realise how much better off you are when you do. She’ll seem pathetic to you when she comes crawling back. And she will. Up to you to dismiss and reject these attempts. Make that moment your goal. You deserve better than crap like this off anyone.

JustAThought

How awful to read - I am so sorry. Its a terrible situation to be in. Made worse no doubt by your childs fragile state of mind. How utterly awful and lifechanging and permanently damaging for your little child if you were to do something tragic and irriversible. They would never get over it or blaming themsleves - such an awful legacy for a child who you clearly love so much. Children are so terribly affected and traumatised by a parents suicide. Ironically it is the adults who are so often to blame who can shrug it off and move on after a death - even if they are the cause of all the problems.

Have you tried calling Pieta House - they offer counselling and can provide all kinds of practical suoports -by trained objective people - and they keep religion out of it. There is also the online resources of suicide or survive.com who have some quick and clear headed onlune guides to help you and try and hep you see clearer or in a different way. Give them a chance - they are free and really good and will help.

As for your wife you must really have love her to be so hurt by her betrayal. Was it a friendship or a dalliance or an affair. Was it really 5 years or chat and a some nights of betrayal - not that that excuses it - but might it make it more fixable?? Is it fixable depending on which it was and why it happened? If she says it is all over and that she is sorry is it worth possibly also losing your home and custody or putting yourself into an unsustainable financial or logistical nightmare before trying another conncillor and to see if it might be resolved with time - for all the family? It sounds as though she is now horrified at the consequences of being caught and losing what she has - you, your family life together, your childs stability and homelife. Might all that not be worth trying to save or to try to, with time , piece back together, with some.professional support ?

hopelesslylost

JustAThought wrote: »

How awful to read - I am so sorry. Its a terrible situation to be in. Made worse no doubt by your childs fragile state of mind. How utterly awful and lifechanging and permanently damaging for your little child if you were to do something tragic and irriversible. They would never get over it or blaming themsleves - such an awful legacy for a child who you clearly love so much. Children are so terribly affected and traumatised by a parents suicide. Ironically it is the adults who are so often to blame who can shrug it off and move on after a death - even if they are the cause of all the problems.

Have you tried calling Pieta House - they offer counselling and can provide all kinds of practical suoports -by trained objective people - and they keep religion out of it. There is also the online resources of suicide or survive.com who have some quick and clear headed onlune guides to help you and try and hep you see clearer or in a different way. Give them a chance - they are free and really good and will help.

As for your wife you must really have love her to be so hurt by her betrayal. Was it a friendship or a dalliance or an affair. Was it really 5 years or chat and a some nights of betrayal - not that that excuses it - but might it make it more fixable?? Is it fixable depending on which it was and why it happened? If she says it is all over and that she is sorry is it worth possibly also losing your home and custody or putting yourself into an unsustainable financial or logistical nightmare before trying another conncillor and to see if it might be resolved with time - for all the family? It sounds as though she is now horrified at the consequences of being caught and losing what she has - you, your family life together, your childs stability and homelife. Might all that not be worth trying to save or to try to, with time , piece back together, with some.professional support ?

I loved her with every fiber of my being, that's the tragic part. I never loved anyone like her, and she knew it. I would love to make things better, but I wouldn't be able to take this again. I don't even know if she understands the level of pain she has caused.

To answer your question, she was in Skype and Facebook constantly talking to him, and every time she went home on average twice a year, for about 4/5 weeks each time. Honestly, she destroyed me.

Curlybearhead

Honestly, you deserve so much better. She's betrayed your trust and broke your heart. If she really cared she would never have deliberately hurt you like this. You need to take some time away, work on you and spend quality time with your son. It doesn't feel like it now but it will get better. I'm coming from a similar situation, 6 years together only to find out it was all a sham. The first few weeks will be a torrent of emotions, basically the 7 stages of grief, but you'll come through it, day by day, and life will look brighter.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think going to counselling while not discussing anything with your wife could have been anyway beneficial for you. Counselling should help you deal with what was happening and find away to move forward, but if your wife didn't even know you were going then how could you both discuss it and move forward.

I know you say your wife is still lying and hiding things. That's perfectly normal for someone who has been cheating. There's a thread here from a few days ago, posted by a man who cheated on his gf. He still couldn't be honest even after getting fully caught out. For the person cheated on, the continued lies hurt as much, if not more than the actual cheating. For the cheater, they realise they've messed up and are trying to limit any more damage.

It's not clear whether you do want to actually try salvage the marriage, or whether you've just had enough. You have the right to make whatever choice you want. You have the right to tell her to go, and you keep custody of your son if that's what you want. But if you want to at least give your marriage a chance you're going to have to start communicating with each other. There seems to have been a total breakdown there. Not surprisingly. It will be very very painful for both of you. You will both lay out your vulnerabilities. But if there is any chance of moving forward you need to talk to each other. You need to be open. You need to go to counselling and be in a place where rather than going in secret you can talk through what's happening and you both know that this is part of the process.

Of course the betrayal might be too much and no matter how much you try, you might never forgive. That's ok too.

sbsquarepants

This might sound harsh hoplesslylost, but you need to take a good look at your own behaviour here - you've done yourself no favours whatsoever. You found out your wife was playing offside and you didn't say a word for 6 years! Only speaking up when the affair had ended naturally and you'd allowed enormous damage to occur to your own mental state.

Firstly. Forget counselling (marriage counselling I mean), your wife can not be trusted. Hard as it is, it's also black and white, your marriage is finished. The woman is toxic for you and will only drag you down more. To have any chance of happiness you need to cut her loose. By all means go and get some for your own sake - suicidal thoughts need to be taken seriously.
Look out for yourself above everything and everyone else!

Secondly. What's done is done, you can't change the past, either your wifes actions or your reaction to them, but you CAN change your future. Stand up for yourself! Don't listen to any more of this womans bullshít.

Thirdly. You and your child are the important people here - there's a natural instinct to want to either punish your wife for what she's done, or help her see the error of her ways both are ultimately futile. What will get you through this in the quickest possible time is just acceptance, it's happened - now move on.
Easily said, not too easily done unfortunately, but important in my opinion.

Fourth. Everything gets better with time, the quicker you start the process of getting yourself a new life, the quicker you'll get one. It feels like things like this are insurmountable, but when you look back on them in 2, 5, 10 years or whatever they are just speedbumps. Time won't make things better but it will make them seem a lot less important.

You need to prioritise yourself.

Mongfinder General

That’s a very sad situation that you’ve outlined but that little boy is the reason why you must remain strong as there are other dangers lurking. If you try to separate or divorce there is the chance that your wife will tell the courts a whole load of lies to get you out of the house while she gets custody of your son and you end up on your arse. She had form - she did deceive you for 5 years. There is also the chance that she could leave the country and return home with your son.

You’ll need to plan for the future. You’ll need to be be financially secure so my advice is to get as much money as possible offside. This is tricky but you’ll need to make it look like regular household spending. Counseling is a good idea - keep records of this and make sure the counselor does too because if your wife initiates a divorce you can then disclose your issues to the judge and you’ll have a third party record to assist.

I wish you good luck. You seem like a good man.