Re-evaluating friendship

LegacyUser

A very close friend has just told me that she's moving the date of her birthday celebrations more than two weeks forward... to my birthday. Not a joint celebration, just her birthday party on my birthday. Her work friends, family, and our mutual friends. At no point did she say "Bring some of your own work friends/other friends/family."
I'm not somebody who gets worked up about my birthday, but the next one is one of the big ones for both of us. I hadn't made any plans because it's more than two months away, and anyway I wouldn't have been hiring a venue or anything, but I had assumed a bunch of us would end up getting together for chats and codology.
I'm not sure how I responded when she told me. I didn't know how to respond because because I was hurt but not sure if it was ok to be hurt, or if I was being petty. I was half expecting her to say "Joking! Sure I wouldn't do that to you!"

So here's why I'm hurt...
The conversation began with "Look, this is probably a s****y thing to do but I'm going to be having my party on [date]."
She added "I feel bad that I'll be hoovering up our mutual friends." Isn't there an assumption there that they'll ditch me and flock to her party?
I'm invited to her party, but only for an hour, before another guest arrives who I absolutely can't be in the same room as (for reasons not of my making). So I'll be gone before the fun starts, or before the food arrives.

The birthday really isn't the issue. I'm aware it sounds unbelievably petty to be whinging about it, but I'm hurt at her cheerful assumption that her life is a big deal and mine isn't. She knows it's a "s****y thing to do" but she's weighed it up and she's doing it anyway. I have kept quiet about some very self-centered behavior recently, due to some pretty momentous changes in her life, but I am suddenly completely convinced she sees me as a fairly insignificant supporting actor in the HBO drama that is her her life. It feels terrible, at this stage in my life, to wonder if we were ever friends at all.

I've read back over this and it looks like we're barely even friends, that I'm a deluded acquaintance desperate to join her inner circle. We've been very close friends for a very long time, lived together a number of times, gone on holidays together, kept in touch during long stretches when one or other of us lived abroad. I'm who she calls in a crisis and vice versa. We keep each other up to date with every detail of our lives, up to and including bowel movements. Sorry.

Do people think it's actually not a big deal and I'm being childish? I asked a few people at work today and they were all outraged on my behalf, but they might be telling me what I want to hear. I'd like strangers to tell me to cop on and to stop trying to self-sabotage my most valued friendship.

She's texting me now about something unrelated and I don't even want to look at it.

Lead

Why can’t you have a birthday meal a week before her party with all your friends?

Xterminator

I'd like strangers to tell me to cop on and to stop trying to self-sabotage my most valued friendship.

Hi Op

Cop on and stop trying to sabotage your friendship!

But seriously, if it bother you, its an issue. And in that case you should invite your friend out for coffee and discuss how you feel, and let her know it means you feel you cannot celebrate your birthday the way you wish to. suggest what you would like to happen, be it a a joint celebration etc.

How she reacts should inform you about how she views your friendship. If she is concerned and makes an effort to resolve, then you know she cares, and if she is dismissive of your feelings and unconcerned, then that would also speak volumes.

Keeping quiet doesn't help anyone, if your seething in silence! Thats not good for you or the friendship either. So take a deep breath and air your feelings.

Katgurl

Your work friends are right. It's obnoxious self-centered behaviour. She probably has rationalised that you won't want a party anyway.

I had a very very close friend who always made me feel a little small; assumed I'd drop everything for her plans and her life was much more important to both of us than mine. We are not friends anymore. I expanded my social group dramatically in my late 20's early 30's aand she didn't like it.

Sorry no advice really - just that your reaction is justified imo.

mrsdewinter

Is there a practical reason for her to bring forward her own party? Say, a family member travelling from another country?
Not that it's much of an excuse but at least it would partially explain the selection of that particular date.
What is particularly galling is the inclusion of somebody who appears to have vetoed your presence, so you can't even turn up & be the gracious guest.
Honestly, I think you've every right to feel very cross. Spend the next decade finding better friends...

woodchuck

I think your feelings are justified! If there was a genuine reason for picking that date (e.g. family home from abroad as someone suggested) surely she would've explained that to you when she admitted it's a sh1tty thing to do. She knows it's a sh1tty thing to do and is doing it anyway!

Personally I'd arrange my own celebration about a week before her party*. I wouldn't bother attending her party, I'd arrange a meal out with family instead for that night.

I don't know if it's worth falling out over, but personally I wouldn't consider her much of a friend after that. Presumably you'll still see a lot of each other due to mutual friends, so I'd try to keep things civil, but nothing more.


*or maybe 2 weeks... to her birthday :P (kidding! sort of...)

K_P

It's a ****ty thing to do all right but what really jumped out for me was that you only get to go for an hour, at the start of the party. The very very least she could do would be to not include the person who you can't be in the same room as, so that at least you could go and have a proper night out on your birthday.

You have to tell her. You're completely justified in feeling wronged and, unless you want to completely ditch her and make future meet ups with your group of friends awkward, then you have to tell her. There's no guarantee as to how it will go but for your own sake, don't seethe in silence.

B0jangles

Is she the kind of person to be weirdly competitive about things generally?

As in, could she be doing this to make absolutely sure that her birthday party is bigger and better than yours? Barring some undisclosed reason for bringing her birthday forward by a full two weeks (like mrsdewinter said), I can't see any other reason for doing something so peculiarly selfish.

You say it's a milestone birthday for both of you - by moving the date to your birthday and starting the organizing already she has very neatly made sure that your shared friends won't be free to go to anything you wanted to do, so she'll 'win' in the Big B-Day Competition that all normal adult people care about.

I mean, all she had to do to not be a ass was to suggest a shared celebration between the two of you - the fact that she apparently never considered that says to me that this is intentional - she does not want to share the spotlight.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Addle

sashafierce wrote: »

Try compromise and have a joint gathering

Agree.
Don't make your friends choose/go to more than 1 party.

Anne1982h

OP I would ditch this friend altogether. I was in a similar situation. My birthday fell on a Friday when everyone was around to go out. Best friends birthday fell a week later when no one was around. She asked could we have a joint night out to celebrate on my birthday. I said no problem let’s spread the word among our friends. She said she’s told the college crew only for them to all turn up on the night with no idea that it was a joint party just that it was her birthday. I let it go after she apologized but she continued to do crappy things like that to me sporadically over the next 5 years or so. I eventually cut all contact and drama in my life is now non existent. The phrase with friends like that who needs enemies comes to mind!

runningbuddy

Op, you didn't organise a party for yourself though so she just assumed it would be okay.

"We've been very close friends for a very long time, lived together a number of times, gone on holidays together, kept in touch during long stretches when one or other of us lived abroad. I'm who she calls in a crisis and vice versa. We keep each other up to date with every detail of our lives, up to and including bowel movements"

From your quote above, it appears that you are very good friends. Perhaps you are like me, I never ever made a fuss about my own birthday. It's just not my thing at all so your issue wouldn't bother me in the slightest but I get that you are upset. If she is a good friend to you, I personally would let it go.

georgina toadbum

While I'm not big into birthdays myself, this would still annoy me. Not so much about it being on the same day but the fact that you can't really celebrate because of somebody else being at the party.

It's a shame she's done this but at least she knows it's ****ty. Could you arrange a meal with your family that day? Tell her that you'd have like to go to her party but considering X is going you'd prefer to make other arrangements.

miamee

What do your mutual friends think of all of this? Myself and my group of friends have all had a significant birthday over the past 7 months but none of us would ever dream of doing such a thing without, at the very least, talking to the person whose birthday it was and asking how tney'd feel about it - and only then, that'd be if we absolutely had to have it on a specific date for a good reason. How far away is your birthday?

Addle

I've been to a few joint parties over the years.
How many people are expected to attend this party OP?
Surely you can avoid some people if you want?

Ande1975

OP,

First of all, you have every right to be annoyed. Its a shytty thing to do.
I would be the sort to just take it and say nothing and as a result, these shytty things kept happening. I'm in my 40s and I have a friend for over 20 years who is a bit like your friend.
Completely self absorbed ith over the top dramatics.
(Depressing fact, some people never grow out of this behaviour).
I used to take it but now I am having none of it. She doesn't talk to me because of it. However, I am happier standing up for myself than to be drawn into whatever drama is going on in her life.

I would let her know you are not happy! If you let her get away with this, you are inviting this treatment.

zapper55

Your friend knows it's a crappy thing to do, she said as much when she broached it with you. I'd say it to her but to be honest it sounds like you aren't as good friends as you'd like to think. Has there been any other instances where she has walked all over you?

Your reaction was strange, you weren't sure if you were right to be hurt or if you were overreacting so you said nothing. Are you.normally so quick to dismiss your own concerns? If you don't respect your opinions how do you expect anyone else to.

LegacyUser

Suggest a joint party given it’s on actual date of your birthday and see how that goes down? Your wording about being invited for only an hour is a bit strange, is it not you choosing to leave after an hour surely she hasn’t told you to depart an hour into the festivities?

LegacyUser

Op back again.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Of course I could easily just celebrate my birthday a week late, as I have often done in the past, but that isn't what's upsetting me. I'm bothered by my closest friend's flippant disregard for my feelings, and the galling assumption that my stuff just doesn't count for anything when it's weighed against hers. A practical solution* to the birthday dilemma is easily found but it won't solve the problem of how crap I feel about myself as a result of her actions.

There is a sort of semi-legitimate half-reason for moving her birthday, but it's the kind of thing that could very easily be dealt with because it's over three months away. It's just an excuse really. She had the good grace to be a bit sheepish when she explained it to me. If it was a proper, solid reason I wouldn't feel like I had been kicked in the guts quite so hard. I don't know what her actual reason is for doing this, but whatever it is it looks to me like she's thought about it and she has decided that my feelings just don't matter.

I'll keep busy that weekend, and I'll have people around me, the day won't be ruined (anyway, it's just another stupid birthday). And I have three months to come up with a suitable gift for her. Something that tells her how I feel.

It's really horrible how s*****y somebody's actions can make you feel about yourself. I'm almost humiliated by how insignificant I turned out to be.

*The joint party idea is a non-runner. For starters, I'm very serious about her guest-who-must-be-avoided. I cannot be there if he's there. Secondly, there's just no way I'm going to invite my own friends, my work friends or any family members to a second-hand party at her parents' house. Her parents are total strangers to them, it would be weird and uncomfortable. Even it was a possibility, it wouldn't make me feel any better about her attitude towards me.

Bambi985

OP, try not to internalise her behaviour and feel so crap about yourself. People like this woman are generally just blissfully ignorant to the feelings of everyone around them and floating around in a bubble of their own self-involvement at all times, so it's got nothing to do with you or your worth.

If it was me I'd look her in the eye and ask her honestly what she thought her decision to have her birthday celebrations on your ACTUAL birthday would mean for you? What kind of options does she think you now have when it comes to celebrating your own birthday with your mutual friends? Don't get emotional or apologetic, just ask her flat out and allow her to answer the question.

Literally - "hey Sarah. About this whole birthday situation. I'm a bit baffled by it to be honest. Do you think it leaves room for me to celebrate my birthday as well?"

Teyla Emmagan

happybirthdayloser wrote:

And I have three months to come up with a suitable gift for her. Something that tells her how I feel.

I am really hoping this comment means you are going to spend the next 3 months pooing in a brown paper bag which you will then gift wrap for her.

What an absolutely wagon your friend is, I would be seething if I were you. How dismissive and presumptuous of her!! I really hope you go ahead and do your own thing on the same night OP, it is still YOUR birthday. Or book a weekend to New York for yourself, blow it out of the water.

con___manx1

Its only a bday party. Your friendship is worth more than that. I really dont understand how girls get so worked up over stupid stuff like that.
Oh look at me im 30. Nobody really gives a **** only people that are close to you thats life.
Your family and your best friends could go to your house and have food drinks and head out on the town the week before.
Problem solved.

orthsquel

happybirthdayloser wrote: »

I have kept quiet about some very self-centered behavior recently, due to some pretty momentous changes in her life,

happybirthdayloser wrote: »

but whatever it is it looks to me like she's thought about it and she has decided that my feelings just don't matter

I think you're justified in your hurt, and disappointment in how you're being treated by her.

It sounds to me that she knows you're not into birthdays and probably not planning anything and that maybe you'd be a push over about it.

You mentioned some self centered behaviour recently and changes in her life - was she always this thoughtless and inconsiderate or is this a very recent change? Sounds a bit like she is pushing boundaries in your friendship and suiting herself, even if it hurts or disappoints you and others.

What sort of self centered behaviour have you kept quiet about? and was it necessary to keep quiet, were you just letting her off? This sounds like an instance you shouldn't keep quiet and stand up for yourself and tell her how you feel, in a non confrontational way. It probably isn't going to change things (the party, which isn't that important) but how she responds to you, should give an indication on how valued a friend you really are.
One instance is a lot to end a friendship over, an accumulation of behaviour you've accepted and kept quiet over, and not expressing how you feel isn't the best either. Explain what you feel, speak up for yourself, and in the future with her and others be more prepared to speak up rather than stay quiet if someone is acting in a way that is unpleasant, even if you want to let them off due to changes in their lives.

charlietheminxx

I’d tell her you’re hurt and ask her to have her birthday party another weekend. What do you have to lose by being honest? Suggest you’d hate to not celebrate each other’s big birthdays and you feel doing it her way means only one of you gets a birthday and it doesn’t sit right with you. Seriously, there are a few other weekends she could do it, if she presses on after you make your feelings clear then she’s probably not the friend you thought she was anyway.

She looked sheepish because she likely knows she’s crossing a line.

nikkibikki

Just remember that her behaviour isn't a reflection on you, but a reflection on her. You know where you stand with her now. Tell her you won't be at her party, you'll be celebrating your own birthday. Have a meal out or something with your family and don't make your mutual friends choose. Have a night out with your friends and work colleagues the week after.

LegacyUser

happybirthdayloser wrote: »

It's really horrible how s*****y somebody's actions can make you feel about yourself. I'm almost humiliated by how insignificant I turned out to be.

This, this and this again!

I was friends with a girl for over twenty years. We're not friends anymore, and looking back, I now realise we were never suited as friends. I'm embarrassed I never saw the signs, the dismissiveness, the mean comments etc. I was no saint either, looking back, but that doesn't mean I have to stay friends with someone who didn't like me all that much. Not good for me or her. Toxic.

I would move on from your friend if I were you. She is totally self-absorbed at this moment in time (and maybe has been for years!). It doesn't have to be a big blow up, just realise your own self worth, stay in contact with the people who make YOU feel happy. Treat your friend like an acquaintance, hold your head up high, and move on with your life. Try not to dwell on your friend, and who's right or wrong. Just realise that you deserve better. Life is too short to be hanging around someone who drags you down.

Have a fab birthday when the day arrives, and share it with the people who care for you!

Paddy Cow

con___manx1 wrote: »

Its only a bday party. Your friendship is worth more than that. I really dont understand how girls get so worked up over stupid stuff like that.
Oh look at me im 30. Nobody really gives a **** only people that are close to you thats life.
Your family and your best friends could go to your house and have food drinks and head out on the town the week before.
Problem solved.

The op's friend by her actions has made it clear that the friendship isn't important to her and that's what stings for the op. If the friend had come to the op and said something like "I know my birthday is two weeks before yours but for *insert reason* I can't have it that night and the only night that works is the night of your birthday. Is there any way we can work around this and reach a compromise?", then the op wouldn't be so hurt and could probably arrange something.

Instead the friend came to her and said "I know it's a sh!tty thing to do but I've arranged my birthday on the same day as yours and I'll be taking all our mutual friends and you can come for the first hour if you want but because I've chosen to invite a certain person, you will have to leave". That's totally humiliating, disrespectful and upsetting for the op. Because the friend is making these plans 3 months in advance, she is putting the op in a very awkward position. Mutual friends who twig that the friend's party is the same as the op's birthday have probably been told that the friend spoke to the op and she is ok with the situation. If the op says anything now, she will look like a trouble maker.

The friend herself is admitting that she is being sh!tty so the op is dead right to re-evaluate the friendship. Healthy friendships are a two way street. If one person is expected to cater to the whims of the other without any talk or compromise, that is not friendship. The op does not come across as some high maintenance princess who wants to have a lavish party where everyone has to make her the centre of attention and is bitter because she has been outshone by her competitor. She is upset because her friend made plans with no regard for her and is railroading her into accepting it.

The op has every right to be p!ssed off and hurt. I would be if a friend treated my like that and I'm not even bothered by birthday parties. It's not the party that would irk me, it's the lack of consideration and respect. Adults are supposed to be mature and to be honest, the stunt the friend pulled is the kind of crap I would expect to see in an episode of "My Super Sweet 16".

You think it's just silly girl stuff so let's try and make it a male situation. You and one of your closest friends are both getting married. You are going to have your stag on X date. It's going to be low key. Your friend is supposed to have theirs two weeks before. It's going to be a bigger affair. You guys have friends in common so the separate dates work well to accommodate both stags. Three months before the stag your friend comes to you and says "I know it's a sh!tty thing to do but I've arranged my stag on the same night as yours and will be taking all our mutual friends. By the way, you are welcome to come as it was supposed to be your night and as a close friend I want you at my stag but you can only come for an hour as I've invited someone who doesn't like being in your company so you need to be long gone by the time they come".

Even the most easy going person in the world would be a doormat if they just accepted that level of disrespect.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for everybody's input, particularly those who took the time to acknowledge that the problem is not "What am I going to do about my party?" but "Am I wrong to think my friend has no respect for me?"

Paddy Cow, you said it very neatly in your second and third paragraph (I can't seem to quote because I'm going anon). Thanks for expressing so clearly why this is actually a big deal, even if mightn't seem like it. You're right, the whole thing is humiliating. At this stage I'm half-hoping she'll read this thread.

I'm not sure yet how I'm going to handle it but it's good to know that the consensus is that it's no way to treat a friend. I'd prefer to stay friends, obviously, but not on these terms.

Thanks again. Unless somebody has a new perspective I'm happy for the mods to close this thread.