Friends abandoning me because of illness?

inca2

I was diagnosed with a serious, chronic medical condition last summer. I had been unwell and suffered quite a lot for over a year before I was finally diagnosed - but thankfully found myself well supported by family and friends at that time.

Shortly after my diagnosis, I spent almost two weeks very unwell in hospital and a further two weeks recovering at my parents’ home. During this time, I had lots of visitors and messages wishing me well but heard very little from my college housemates. These are a group of people who I would have considered to be my closest friends at that time, a group who were very well aware of my medical issues and had been supportive previously. It was a very sudden change. When I say that I heard very little, I received about 3 or 4 texts over that month and no visits. I was very upset, especially as I had received an incredible amount of support from friends that I wouldn’t be as close to or wouldn’t necessarily have expected it from. I felt very alone as it seemed that my “best” friends just couldn’t be bothered. Eventually I just let it go and came up with lots of excuses for them - they were busy, they didn’t want to bother me when I was sick etc. I never mentioned my upset and when I was well enough, I moved back to the apartment and we got on with things as “normal” - but things have not been the same. I haven’t felt the same support as I did before. I have had minor health setbacks which have gone largely unacknowledged but thankfully, I have plenty of others to lean on.

Last week, I had minor surgery and have again been at my parents’ recovering. Unsurprisingly, I did not receive any well wishes beforehand and have not had a single text asking how I am. We are all part of a WhatApp group where constant messages are exchanged so why not take 3 seconds to check in with me? I am very hurt.

(I should point out that medical issues are not off limits for discussion at all. We are very open people and talk about anything and everything in person - we’re very comfortable with those kind of discussions. We are also in healthcare so empathy/sensitivity for my situation should NOT be an issue. Also, some of my family members have been unwell over the last few months and they have been really good about checking in on how things are going with them.)

I am a very caring person by nature and would always bend over backwards for these people, while expecting nothing in return. However, I don’t think a text would be asking too much. Basically I am wondering how would others feel if they were in this position? Is my upset justified or am I overreacting? Thankfully, I will be moving out quite soon due to a change in work circumstances - would it be wrong to use this as an opportunity to move on from the friendship entirely?

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

joeguevara

Sometimes anything medical can make people awkward. When I was in hospital none of my mates visited nor did I expect them too. It was nothing gory either. I was diagnosed with late onset epilepsy and had a seizure and broke my shoulder in 4 places and dislocated it when I fell on the ground.

When I got out a few of my mates asked me how they would deal with a seizure or if anything happened to me. They said that they were scared that they would do something wrong. I told them I didn’t have a clue and made a joke that if I was them I’d probably point and laugh out of nerves. That seemed to put them at ease and we researched it together.

Maybe stop stressing about them not visiting. I hate hospitals and would probably make an effort after. Try and think of a way to discuss things and make them feel at ease. Don’t bring up lack of visits.

On a separate note I am not in touch with my college friends. Sometimes you realize that people are friends because you live with them but life moves on. Anyway I hope you get better or are feeling better. And remember the strength and support from your family is the most important.

bertsmom

Inca2 I hope you get better soon and feel well. Perhaps you place a bit too much value on the friendship with these housemates.
In houseshares before for the most part I would have got along with most barr the usual oddballs you encounter in these situations and become close with one or two of the girls and shared girly gossip and drunken chats. As the years or months went by we just lost touch naturally and moved on with our lives. I look back fondly but don't wish to go to any lengths to get back in touch.
At work I find myself at the moment having to put a bit of distance between myself and another girl who worked in the same dept as me a few months ago. She is a lovely girl and can be great craic but I found she got a bit needy with always needing a bit of advice or support and rang or texted almost every weekend and frankly I haven't the time or inclination to maintain that kind of friendship.
I have two very best friends who we have been through tragedies and triumphs together that I'm willing to put myself out for and devote time to that mutually fulfilling friendship but to be honest my life is full andbusy enough and so although I would genuinely wish others well I wouldn't be trying to nurture a friendship with others.
What I'm trying to say is maby these people make great housemates but just don't necessarily want a friendship outside of that. It doesn't mean they don't like you or value you as a housemate but people are busy theese days and life goes on for everyone.
Most importantly look after yourself and hopefully you have a speedy recovery.

The_Conductor

Inca- when you have UC or Crohns- unfortunately, you'll find this happens quite a bit.
I could tell you a long list of friends who've fallen by the wayside- it includes many I would have said were my best friends on earth- while I have other not so close friends- some of whom who have chronic illnesses themselves- who have been salt of the earth and the best possible friends- wholly unexpectedly.

Honestly- you need to focus on getting better- and you need to focus on those who have gone the extra mile for you.
Unfortunately- its a fact of life- some of those nearest and dearest to you- can be fairweather friends- who vanish at the first sign of trouble.
Its unfortunate- but its a fact of life.
Your true friends are those who were there for you when you needed them- don't forget them.

orthsquel

inca2 wrote: »

Basically I am wondering how would others feel if they were in this position? Is my upset justified or am I overreacting?

In your position, I'd be hurt too. You're entitled to your feelings and from your point of view your upset is justified.

However I think you need to take stock of things from their point of view. They've been supportive in the past, and you had a lot of support from family, and it may have been an indirect chance for them to hand over the support role to others more equipped and able to be there for you. A text doesn't take a lot of effort, but it's arranging to visit, or prolonged discussions about how you're doing that they may not have been able to commit to or even felt guilty had they not responded (because of being on a night out for example) to a message you sent or disappointing you with cancelling a visit.

Even if you're all working in health care, a medical illness to someone you don't know can be easier to cope with than someone who you are personally involved with and can show more care and sensitivity to the former.

Those who have experienced a medical illness can put themselves in your position and may be more willing to check in with you more frequently and discuss things, than those who have not, because they know what it is like.

inca2 wrote: »

Thankfully, I will be moving out quite soon due to a change in work circumstances - would it be wrong to use this as an opportunity to move on from the friendship entirely?

I think you should look at the friendship as a whole and not on this entirely. Take a rounded view at your friendship and what they add to your life rather than focusing in on this in isolation. But I think the priority should be focusing on yourself as The Conductor said. And yes, I think too you should focus on those who have been there for you in widening friendships and be appreciative of what they have contributed and reciprocate in the future. They may be great for support, but may not be so great in the long run for other things, but only by really knowing them will you know that for sure.

bikubesong

inca2 wrote: »

Also, some of my family members have been unwell over the last few months and they have been really good about checking in on how things are going with them.

OP, am I correct in reading this to mean that your friends will enquire about your family members? If so, the situation seems pretty odd. If they were generally disinterested in you since you became unwell, I would suggest that they were fairweather friends who showed their true colours during your time of need. However, the fact that they seem to care enough to ask about members of your family... Well, it suggests that maybe they have their own reasons for not prying too much about your illness? I realise that you say you are all very open but when an illness directly affects a member of your circle, it can be quite a different kettle of fish to bring it up, especially for college-aged students (I'm presuming late teens/early twenties). I dunno, it just doesn't add up that they would be invested enough to ask about family members but not you yourself.

I'd suggest tackling the issue head on - when you do go back to your college house, mention that you were surprised not to hear from them, that it was a little lonely being back home and you would have loved to have gotten a few texts. Their reaction should give you some insight into their stance - maybe they thought they were giving you space to rest and recover.

Best of luck with your recovery and managing your illness.

La.de.da

The_Conductor wrote: »

Inca- when you have UC or Crohns- unfortunately, you'll find this happens quite a bit.
I could tell you a long list of friends who've fallen by the wayside- it includes many I would have said were my best friends on earth- while I have other not so close friends- some of whom who have chronic illnesses themselves- who have been salt of the earth and the best possible friends- wholly unexpectedly.

Honestly- you need to focus on getting better- and you need to focus on those who have gone the extra mile for you.
Unfortunately- its a fact of life- some of those nearest and dearest to you- can be fairweather friends- who vanish at the first sign of trouble.
Its unfortunate- but its a fact of life.
Your true friends are those who were there for you when you needed them- don't forget them.

This. Unfortunately some illnesses dictate as to what plans you can and cannot make. Some 'friends' often mistake this for excuses.

Concentrate on you. Getting you to the healthiest you can be. Wish you all the best.

inca2

Thank you all for the advice and the well wishes. I really appreciate the outside perspectives.

bikubesong wrote: »

OP, am I correct in reading this to mean that your friends will enquire about your family members?

Yes, this is correct. I often get asked how my family members (who had been acutely unwell over the last year or so) are getting on, but never about myself. Before my diagnosis (when I had problems getting medical professionals to take me seriously), they asked almost constantly. Symptoms, limitations and frustrations were discussed in great detail. As soon as I was finally diagnosed, all enquiries pretty much stopped - as if it wasn’t relevant anymore. Now, not so much as a “how are things going?” when I mention going an appointment or a surgery or something else important. It’s probably silly, but sometimes I feel like they don’t believe me if I’m not well and can’t do x, y or z. I am very lucky to have support in bucketfuls where I need it (family, doctors) and I am so grateful for that - but when the people you see 7 days a week just appear to be entirely disinterested, it’s difficult. I’m not asking for much, but an occasional “how are you?” or a text when something major happens probably shouldn’t be out of the question? Especially when other college friends make the effort.

Seeing things from their point of view is a challenge, but the responses here have given me some good insight. Thank you.

Tiddlypeeps

inca2 wrote: »

Thank you all for the advice and the well wishes. I really appreciate the outside perspectives.




Yes, this is correct. I often get asked how my family members (who had been acutely unwell over the last year or so) are getting on, but never about myself. Before my diagnosis (when I had problems getting medical professionals to take me seriously), they asked almost constantly. Symptoms, limitations and frustrations were discussed in great detail. As soon as I was finally diagnosed, all enquiries pretty much stopped - as if it wasn’t relevant anymore. Now, not so much as a “how are things going?” when I mention going an appointment or a surgery or something else important. It’s probably silly, but sometimes I feel like they don’t believe me if I’m not well and can’t do x, y or z. I am very lucky to have support in bucketfuls where I need it (family, doctors) and I am so grateful for that - but when the people you see 7 days a week just appear to be entirely disinterested, it’s difficult. I’m not asking for much, but an occasional “how are you?” or a text when something major happens probably shouldn’t be out of the question? Especially when other college friends make the effort.

Seeing things from their point of view is a challenge, but the responses here have given me some good insight. Thank you.

The sudden change in their behaviour is odd, especially since it's a group of people who have changed their behaviour and not just one person. Why not ask whats up? Maybe talk to the person you would have felt closest to?

If you ignore it and let things continue as they are it sounds like you won't stay friends with these people. The worst that could happen if you talk about it is a falling out where you end up not friends with these people. So seems to me you have nothing to lose by having a chat about it.

Try not to be accusatory if you do talk about it.