How to deal with a manipulative and verbally abusive mother?

AtMyWitsEnd88

Hi everyone,

I'm posting here as I would like some objective advice/input on the situation I'm currently in.

I'm a 30 year old female living at home for a few weeks until I can get back on my feet. I moved home after ending an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship and left the apartment I was in.

I initially moved in with my mother who is 70 and lives alone. We've had our fair share of issues over the years as she used to physically hit me as a child and verbally and emotionally abused me growing up. I left after three weeks as she began being abusive toward me again.

During a heated argument which all began by me simply asking her opinion on a tv show (she didn't understand what happened, clearly got embarrassed and reacted by saying "I don't need to be questioned like this!" Despite me offering kindly to go over it with her), she ended up saying numerous horrible things like:

"Don't act smart, you are not more intelligent than me"
"I don't need this ****ing **** in my house"
"No wonder you're on your own"
"No wonder X ****ing left you" etc.

I told her I would not tolerate her abuse. She then phoned my father (who she hates and always complains about him to me) and lied and said that I verbally abused her and said no one likes her and no one wants to be around her and started bawling crying. Of course my dad instantly believed her.

I had to move over to my fathers house - who is also 70 - but he is equally as problematic, making sexist comments, threatening me, telling me to shut up, trying to dictate to me where to go and what to do, making a face and putting on a funny voice anytime I tried to talk with him about any issue that arose and basically being dismissive and saying I was "making a big deal over nothing".

I moved back to my mother's a few days ago as she acknowledged that her behaviour toward me was unacceptable and said we could try again. I stupidly - being desperate just to have a safe space to live in to pass the time while I save money to afford to move back to where I lived - gave in and said I'd give her another's chance, but I'm back in the same place again.

Yesterday I spent the evening in my room - I value my time alone as I have social anxiety and I enjoy reading, doing yoga, watching movies, searching for jobs ans apartments etc. She was annoyed at me for doing so as she expects me to entertain her while I'm living here, despite me spending the majority of yesterday in her company. She proceeded to ignore me for the night and went to bed without saying anything.

This morning I got up and I acted civilly toward her. She stated she didn't want my cat on the kitchen table and I said "No problem, if he jumps on it I'll take him off it, there's not much more I can do." She retorted with "I thought you're supppsed to be able to speak to him and he listens to you", I pointed out that the cat doesn't understand English and repeated that I would take him off the table if he were to jump on it. She exploded stating "Don't talk to me like I'm stupid!!" I stated I was not doing that and ended the conversation there.

She constantly has a gripe about being "made" feel stupid. I tried to explain to her the other day that steam and smoke are not the same and she sarcastically stated "Oh you just know everything don't you??" She refuses to educate herself on anything despite having an abundance of time and access to the internet.

I went to my room to distance myself from her and to read/do yoga, and an hour later she passes by my open door and shouts in an accusatory tone:

"Are you content to sit in there all day with no one to talk to??" (Bear in mind this was at 10:30am)
I responded "Yes."
She shouts "Why???"
I said "Because I value my time alone and I'm reading. Could you not shout at me through the open door please."
Her: "I'm not shouting at you!!"

I opened the door to face her and she launches into an attack stating she's constantly being made uncomfortable in her own house and has to watch everything she's saying. Blamed me entirely for the argument earlier and anytime I raised a valid point (including pointing out how does she expect me to react or what kind of response is she's hoping to get shouting at me through the door) she stares blankly and juts out her jaw.

She then resorts to lying and manipulating the truth by telling me "I didn't shout" and " I only asked if you were ok!!" When I pointed out this is not what she said at all she shouted "I CANT EVEN EXPRESS MYSELF!"

She proceeded to shake her finger in my face and tell me I needed to think long and hard about my behaviour. And then ran into her room crying.

She utterly refuses to accept responsibility for her behaviour and says that I'm the one at fault. The only thing I'm doing it trying to assert myself and establish boundaries to make her realise I do not deserve to be treated like this for doing literally nothing to her.

Every time I calmly explain that I am not doing anything to exacerbate her, and explain how her actions and overreacting is affecting me, she pulls the mother card and says "I am your mother and you will not speak to me this way, I didn't raise you like this". I never swear or shout at her. I do not call her names or say horrible things. She does not like being stood up to and treats me as though I'm a child who should tolerate this explosive and unnessecary behaviour.

She's done other things like try to listen in on my calls, gone through my bin, insist on knowing how much money I have etc. But it's the blatant lies and manipulation I can't bear.

I'm at my wits end and am hoping to move out within the next week. Is there any way of getting through to someone like this?

I feel like my only option when I move out is to cut contact entirely. I'm tired of giving her chance after chance to improve herself and address her behaviour. I just don't know what's to do while I'm here.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

quickbeam

AtMyWitsEnd88 wrote: »

I'm at my wits end and am hoping to move out within the next week. Is there any way of getting through to someone like this?

If you'll be gone in a week, then my advice is to grin and bear it for a week and then leave. Maybe be mindful of your mother's trigger point (being made to feel stupid) and don't correct her on stuff even when you know you're right about something. Put your head down and get through the week. If you weren't going to be leaving so soon then perhaps I'd give different advice, but as that's the situation you're in, that's what I'd suggest.

AtMyWitsEnd88 wrote: »

I feel like my only option when I move out is to cut contact entirely. I'm tired of giving her chance after chance to improve herself and address her behaviour. I just don't know what's to do while I'm here.

Once you're out, and have distance and time to think and breathe you can make the decision about whether to cut contact entirely or not. It may very well be for the best.

Have you been to counseling? It seems like you've a lot of negativity in your life between both your parents, a similarly abusive ex-partner, and social anxiety. If you haven't already tried it then I'd suggest going for counseling to work on those issues. You may chose then to cut out your parents, but it will also, hopefully, help you not to attract the same sort of person in a partner in future.

leggo

I can't live with my Mam. I love her to bits, she's a great person and a great mother, but when we get too close (even if I'm staying the few days for Christmas)...we murder each other. The trick to our relationship being a happy one was distance.

The same could apply here with both your parents. Grin and bear it for the next few days, try not to rise to it, then get out and build a new relationship with them on your terms.

So little tricks I've done with my Mam include calling out bad behaviour on the spot, but in a harmless way. Like she'll go mad if we're watching television together and my sister and/or I are on our phones and miss a part she wants to make a comment about, but she'll do the exact same thing herself. So if she does kick up, I'll say stuff like, "Mam, I'm 30. I'm gonna look at my phone if I want. If you want my attention, I'm here, just say so. If you don't like it, I'll just go." Then I'll point it out when she does the same in a joking way, "Ah look, it's alright when you have your phone out isn't it!" She can't do anything with that so she'll just laugh. And even just knowing that I'll call her out in a calm way has led to a lot of things being let go and our relationship improving. The fact that I can just leave and go back to my place at any stage is also a good way to ensure she manages her behaviour with me.

But do all of that once you're gone, it won't make it better while you're under the same roof, and truth be told it is her house. Then if she starts acting up around you when you're gone, you can just threaten to leave and do so at your leisure. I wouldn't go severing all ties, though, based off what you said. She's still your mother, she's 70 now so who knows how long you'll have left with her and you may regret it down the line if you do. Just change the relationship to suit your terms.

B0jangles

I've found that with someone who is permanently determined to take offence, no matter what you say or how you say it, the only tactic that saves you from constant aggravation and sulking is the one from 'Wargames' - i.e. the only winning move is not to play.

Since you only have to spend a little more time there, I really wouldn't bother trying to create better boundaries or make her treat you with a little respect. She didn't when you lived there as a child, she's unlikely to change now. Neutral remarks are your ally here - when she comes bursting up spoiling for a row about something, just don't react, don't point out why she's wrong - that feeds her apparent need for conflict.

I'm not saying that you should lie down and be a doormat, that's not what I'm talking about - it's more that you refuse to participate in the fighting.

For example, if she's complaining about the cat you can acknowledge that it was walking on the table and in future you'll do your best to keep it down from there, and that's about all you should say - don't go down the rabbithole of discussing whether or not it understands english, that just gives an opening for a complaint about how you think she's stupid and suddenly a nice, emotionally satisfying row has begun.

She's constantly pushing for a reaction - Do your best not to feed that need, and fingers crossed you'll be out of there soon .

Airyfairy12

My mam is like your mam, she twists everything, talks behind my back, she's controlling and gets offended by everything. I love her but ive learned that we'll never be friends. I avoid conversation with her, keep things short and sweet and that seems to be working.
Cutting her out will only hurt yourself. Best thing you can do is move out when you can. In the mean time try and get out of the house during the day.

Hannibal_Smith

My mum is very much like yours. The point is, you can't reason with a person like that. To respond to the jibes will not improve the situation and they won't affect her because you'll be playing into her hands. She has power over you in a sense that you're staying in her house. She knows she can do her attention seeking war dance and you're a captive audience.

If you get along in some sense, could you spend time with her in the evenings and give her a bit of attention?

Otherwise, bear it as much as you can but try and let the insults go over your head. Responding or reacting to them is giving her the victim status she craves.

joeguevara

Sometimes it is difficult for parents to see their children as adults and sometimes resort to adult child dynamics. Especially (and this is no disrespect to you) you are moving back in for a few weeks to try and get back on your feet. This has probably exacerbated her need to act like a mother and be dominant similar to scolding a teenager who is trying to exert their own boundaries and independence.

Also, you are breaking up her routine and although she may want you there the fact that you are there may be annoying. But look at it this way. It’s for a couple of weeks. Don’t react. She is doing you a favour and although she should be treating you like an equal maybe don’t react and try and follow her rules. She does have a point with regards the cat. That would drive me crazy. Also maybe she thought you and her would have more chats and was annoyed you were in your room.

My dad stays with me two nights a week because of his work and we have our routine to a tee. There is arguments especially when he tries and talks to a **** door but he is my dad and he won’t be here forever. Don’t hold grudges and be thankful for her letting you stay. No matter how annoying.

B0jangles

One other thing - a lot of people can empathize with elements of your situation; I think all of us have had times when one or other of our parents has been unreasonable or inconsistant or just plain annoying, but when you mention stuff like she tries to listen to your calls, demands to know how you spend your money and goes through your bin (?!?) that I think it becomes pretty clear that this is not an ordinary adult child vs. parent situation - it sounds long-term abusive and deeply unhealthy for you.

I know you are planning to get out as soon as you can - all I can say is focus on that and keeping as much out of her path as you can. She's 70; this is who she is and she's not going to change.

Have you ever looked up dealing with narcissistic parents? I'm no expert at all but some things you describe do remind me of some of the bahaviours of narcissists or other people with personality disorders.

Stonedpilot

Op ALOT of identification with your post. Does you mam have mental health issues or depression?.

She sounds like it. Typical "toxic mother".
Nothing is good enough and the whole World out to get me vibe.

Grew up with it. Aint easy.

My advice is distance.

If you live together due to circumstance get out as much as you can.

Courses,walks,library,clubs,gym ANYTHING to keep your distance and sanity.

70 is too old and stubborn to change and that petty argumentative **** headwrecking

Whispered

Op just don't feed into it. She can't argue with herself. Why did you need to tell her that the cat doesn't speak English or instruct her not to shout through your door or explain the difference between smoke and steam?

She doesn't sound easy to live with but you're not helping things by the sound of it.

QueenRizla

AtMyWitsEnd88 wrote: »

I pointed out that the cat doesn't understand English and repeated that I would take him off the table if he were to jump on it.
She constantly has a gripe about being "made" feel stupid. I tried to explain to her the other day that steam and smoke are not the same and she sarcastically stated "Oh you just know everything don't you??" She refuses to educate herself on anything despite having an abundance of time and access to the internet.

Your communication to her seems kind of condescending. There is some validity to her gripe. I think if you try to show her a little more positive attention you will get it back. Ye have got into a bad pattern of communication, try to be a little more compassionate and patient with her, she seems to want to spend time with you. Change the way you speak to her and see if things improve.