Hate keeping secrets

LegacyUser

Here goes

I'm getting married in three months to a wonderful guy and we have a wonderful kid that we both adore we are even thinking of extending our family after the wedding, the problem is the best man!!!
He (best man) has being mates with my fiancé since they were in their early teens, he's a cheeky, cocky, sorta ladies man chap but iv never had an issue with him till now!
Two nights ago I was driving home from my sisters house it was quite late so the road through the village was very quiet and I was on my own when this staggering drunk man starts wobbling down the road towards my car from the pup, I jammed on the brakes because I immediately recognised who it was( best man) obviously coming from the pub!! He came over and I told him to get into the car and I drove him home, we park up, I tell him he's and idiot who could of being killed walking along the road, he thanks me and then he leaned in and kissed me. I immediately jumped back shocked and confused I couldn't even speak and he kind of well got thick with me saying why didnt I kiss him back was he not good enough for me then he started rambling on about how he always fancied me and how lucky my fiancé was, and how he has always wanted to be with me!! I honestly still don't have a clue where this all came out of, all I could say was I think you should leave.

Next day he text me out of the blue saying thanks for dropping him home he really appreciated it and that he couldn't remember much but are we cool about the other thing. All I could reply back was yeah...

I have never ever cheated on my fiancé before ever, the thought has never even crossed my mind I love him so much and can't wait to marry him, but I just can't keep this in anymore, it's wrecking my head I've being thinking about it since it's happened. Not the kiss but about how it will effect my fiancé if I tell him and what's going to happen to him and (best man) friendship. I nó what ye will be thinking, he's not much of a friend if he did that but I don't no what to do because I have never being able to keep anything from my fiancé for more then five mins and this is physically draining me, I want to tell him but I don't want to land this on him before our big day! And also he (best man) is in a relationship!!!

Apologies for long post... All advise welcome. Please don't be too hard on me!!

RoebuckWilson

I understand your stress, but I think a big deep breathe is in order.

If it were me, I would probably let it go, write it off as a drunken act of stupidity. Everything from the attempted kiss to the professing his love afterwards.

Bottom line, I'd forget about it. If it was to happen again, go to town on him.

bee06

If it was me I’d tell my husband. You didn’t do anything wrong, the best man did. It’s up to your fiancé to decide how he wants to handle it with his friend.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd tell him purely because the best man is likely to say something. If he thinks you're going to tell your fiance he might preempt it. So I'd tell your fiance. You haven't done anything wrong.

You can put a spin on it like "I picked John up the other night, he was stumbling along the road. When I dropped him home he was full of thanks and telling me how lucky you were to have me. He even tried to lean in for a kiss"

Something like that. I don't think he meant it in the sense that he actively wanted to cheat on his best friend, but I do think it is something that has the potential to come out. (Maybe in the best man speech, if he's that cocky?!)

peckerhead

This precisely. Play it down/sugar-coat it by all means, but make sure you do not hide it.

If he resents his friend 'snatching' you from him he might just spin it in a sh*t-stirring way (also saves face for him; in a small village, he does not want to be the guy who tried to shift his best friend's bride-to-be).

Why would you cover for him, and risk the story reaching your fiancé, possibly in a very distorted form?

Maryg3

OP you need to tell your fiance what happened for these simple reasons.

1) how would you like it if the situation was reversed and it was one of your best friends or bridesmaid that did this? Imagine if your fiance had the decency to drop one of them as drunk as they were home and they made a pass at him? How would you react to this? Or imagine if he didn't tell you about it and you ended up finding out through someone else because you said it was a village and I presume like all small places all it takes is for one person, possibly the best friend to let it slip to someone and it could get back to you fiance. And then what?

2) he was drunk that is fair enough, however he made a conscious pass at you and you said he got mad with you when you reacted the way you did to him which kind of sounds more like he was expecting you to kiss him back? It's doesn't really sound like he is much of a friend to your fiance if he expected you to cheat with him, drunk or not!!!

You said you have always being loyal to your fiance that's great so I think he deserves to know the truth about what happened that night regardless how the friendship between him and his friend veers out after that!!! In my opinion his friend knew what he was at he sounds like he was just trying his luck to see what would happen esp if he professed to you that he had deep feelings towards you!! So you owe it to your fiance to tell him and if his friend was any ways of a man he would tell his gf what he tried to do to you aswel!!!

Airyfairy12

I wouldnt say anything, he was really drunk and might not have meant any of it. Id personally let it go rather than ruin their friendship

Loveinapril

There is no way I would keep something like this from my husband. A few years ago at a party, I went to bed drunk and my husband's (married!) friend tried to get into bed with me and asked for a kiss. I told my husband the following day. If it was a stranger, or a friend's boyfriend would you not tell your fiance?

leggo

Yeah, for the reasons outlined above, I'd tell. I'd also hate keeping a secret from my partner. But, as said, you can say it in a way that kinda downplays the whole scenario and I wouldn't editorialise on what he should do because then it could be seen as you meddling. Like ultimately you're his partner so when it all shakes out he'll most likely believe and prioritise you, but just try and be diplomatic to keep it as unmessy as possible.

suicide_circus

You've no choice but to say something. The best man sounds like a sloppy chancer who will spill the beans eventually and then you'll look like you were hiding something. Your fiance probably won't thank you for the news though. It's a no win situation really.

robbiezero

I'd be inclined to leave it and tell the best man you are not going to say anything this time, but if it ever happens again you will be telling your fiance/husband.
I would imagine he is highly unlikely to spill the beans himself and if he does, from the sounds of things, your husband will trust your version of events.
If you want, you could cover yourself by telling a good friend or family member of your husbands what happened under the guise of looking for advice and that you are going to leave it be as long as it never happens again.

bucketybuck

robbiezero wrote: »

I'd be inclined to leave it and tell the best man you are not going to say anything this time, but if it ever happens again you will be telling your fiance/husband.

Who is that supposed to benefit? Because if its to help the best man, well, what odds about him. The OP should be looking after herself here, not trying to cover for a lech.

If you want, you could cover yourself by telling a good friend or family member.

Her husband is supposed to be a good friend and family member. She will cover herself far better by just telling him straight.

Mr. Incognito

I'd let it go once as a drunken lunge.

Now that its out of the stupid drunk back of his mind I hope he will let it go.

He is your husbands best mate. I'd say it to your husband but make it clear you are not making an issue out of it and neither should he you are just telling him what happened in case the other lad tries to bring it up

robbiezero

bucketybuck wrote: »

Who is that supposed to benefit? Because if its to help the best man, well, what odds about him. The OP should be looking after herself here, not trying to cover for a lech.



Her husband is supposed to be a good friend and family member. She will cover herself far better by just telling him straight.

I have no interesting in help for the best man, he sounds like a prick. Its just I don't know what the fallout from telling her husband will be:
Massive Rows, friendships lost, wedding disruptions etc.

Keeping it quiet is worth considering. I think it very unlikely he would ever spill the beans on it, why would he? It makes him look like a scumbag.

LegacyUser

Hi guys thanks for all advise it's much appreciated!!!
I have an update on the matter though as of last night!!!
I received a message last night out of the blue as I haven't being in contact with (best man) since he text the next day after the incident!! He text me saying "how's it going just wondering could we meet up for a chat about what happened the other night... 2 be honest I prob would of let this drunking" mistake"hemade go like some of you have said 2 me and just kept my distance from him altogether except I don't no why he want 2 meet now a few days all of a sudden when it over an done with like wtf?? What does he even want 2 talk about like? I just wanna forget about it now!!! I didn't reply 2 his message yet and I feel pure guilty that he even text me, I never texted another man before esp while with my fiance and it feels pure wrong!!!

I guess what I'm wondering is should I meet up with (best man) and see what he has 2 say or is this completely wrong and should I just go and tell my fiance now about it all???

zapper55

Oh jesus tell the fiance and do it today. Do not meet this guy, you don't know how it'll be spun.

stargazer 68

Khloe22 wrote: »

I just wanna forget about it now!!! I didn't reply 2 his message yet and I feel pure guilty that he even text me, I never texted another man before esp while with my fiance and it feels pure wrong!!!

I guess what I'm wondering is should I meet up with (best man) and see what he has 2 say or is this completely wrong and should I just go and tell my fiance now about it all???

OP I was on the 'let it go' fence but now no way. Tell your fiancnd do not go and meet him. There is no need to - nothing to be discussed.

bucketybuck

Khloe22 wrote: »

Hi guys thanks for all advise it's much appreciated!!!
I have an update on the matter though as of last night!!!
I received a message last night out of the blue as I haven't being in contact with (best man) since he text the next day after the incident!! He text me saying "how's it going just wondering could we meet up for a chat about what happened the other night... 2 be honest I prob would of let this drunking" mistake"hemade go like some of you have said 2 me and just kept my distance from him altogether except I don't no why he want 2 meet now a few days all of a sudden when it over an done with like wtf?? What does he even want 2 talk about like? I just wanna forget about it now!!! I didn't reply 2 his message yet and I feel pure guilty that he even text me, I never texted another man before esp while with my fiance and it feels pure wrong!!!

I guess what I'm wondering is should I meet up with (best man) and see what he has 2 say or is this completely wrong and should I just go and tell my fiance now about it all???

"You kissed the best man, now you're swapping texts and thinking of meeting him in secret."

You know the real story of course, but for gods sake just think what this looks like to anybody that doesn't...

This is all a perfect example of why you should already have told your husband, because if he finds out anything about this and picks up the wrong end of the stick then you are screwed.

Seriously, imagine your husband sees your phone and the message "could we meet up for a chat about what happened the other night". He wouldn't believe a word you said to explain it and I wouldn't blame him.

Big Bag of Chips

Do not under any circumstances go and meet him. At least not without telling your fiance where you're going and why - and insisting he comes with you.

Honestly, OP, I can't believe that you actually are agonising over this. Yer man, by your very first description of him is a cocky chancer. Your fiance will know this about him. It's not some secret side of his personality he has kept expertly hidden from everyone except you. He is now in 'panic' mode wondering what you are going to say to his best friend and if he gets dropped from the wedding everyone will know why.

If he's in panic mode, then he is likely to do or say whatever it takes to get him out of trouble, or if he's in trouble he'll make sure he's bringing someone (you) with him.

Honestly, OP, if you are considering spending a lifetime with your fiance you have to get used to stepping up and handling uncomfortable situations together. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you like to be kept in the dark?

Talk to your fiance today. Spin it whatever way you want. But if he gets to him first then it's going to be a whole lot worse for you.

mapaca

Tell your fiance. If he finds out some other way then it'll look very bad for you.

And if he finds out after the wedding he might feel that the two of you made an eejit of him.

Ignore the guy's message and don't go meeting him in secret!

Neyite

Tell your fiance.

He deserves to know that his friend is not really a friend.

Don't meet the guy, don't text back. Just tell your fiance exactly what happened and show him the messages.

robbiezero

Wouldn't be in favour of meeting him whatsoever,
but it might just be, that the enormity of what occurred the other night has sunk in for him and he wants to profusely apologise in person and beg you not to tell your fiance and destroy their friendship. Not sure how you can find out his reasons for wanting the meeting though.

If it was me, I would text him back to say that you don't intend to discuss his making a pass at you the other night with your husband in order not to ruin their friendship, but that if it ever happens again, you will be telling him straight away.

LegacyUser

Thank you yeah ye are right I'm sit down with my fiance when he comes home from work and tell him straight out exactly what happened like I posted on here! And the texts etc. And to prove it to him about how stressed I was over it I'm gonna show him my post i wrote up asking people 4 advise, at least then he will know how it has stressed and effected me over it!!!

Thanks again and il keep everyone updated on how it panned out!!!!

Kidchameleon

He may well be trying to make things right after realising the errors in his ways

Neyite

Kidchameleon wrote: »

He may well be trying to make things right after realising the errors in his ways

Even if he means well, he's going about it the wrong way. She would be unwise to agree to meet him alone again given what he did to her the last time.

Ursus Horribilis

Neyite wrote: »

Even if he means well, he's going about it the wrong way. She would be unwise to agree to meet him alone again given what he did to her the last time.

No. This is a boil that needs lancing ASAP. I'm glad to see you're planning to sit your fiancé down and tell him in person. There's so much potential for this to go horribly wrong if you're anything less than 100% open and honest with him.

MayBee

I’ve been in this situation, not a best friend but still a friend of my boyfriend at the time, followed me to bed and tried his case, tell your fiancé , you owe this guy nothing, you need to protect your relationship