What is wrong with me

MirrorMirror72

I dont really know what im expecting to get from posting this here but I feel I need to get this off my chest as I have no body I can speak to.

Im a teacher, I work in non mainstream education such as Youthreach, Special education and Adult Ed. I have a number of jobs as all of them are part time I do a couple of hours teaching in one centre, a couple in another etc. I enjoy this as everyday is different, I integrate well with staff members in all my centres and im very respected by my students. Its been commented a number of times that im good at my job. Particularly in the Special education centre where certain 'difficult' students shy away from most staff members but are very relaxed, happy and respectful while in my company. In the Youthreach where I work I was shocked to learn that some of my students display very disruptive behaviour issues in other classes, they are model students when in my class and we discuss everything from where they got their nails done to what they did at the weekend and we get so much work done in class.
Despite getting on well with students and staff I have no close relationships and I feel very lonely. All my romantic relationships were abusive and they treated me like they hated me. Any friendships have been one sided - everything was always about them, if I turned the conversation to myself their eyes would glaze over and I was always dropped when their other friends came along.
In my undergrad I was excluded by all other students, they would go for nights out, meals, houseparties etc and I was never invited. I did try and take the initiative and include myself with some of them but they made it very clear that I was unwelcome. My postgrad was much more inclusive but as other students developed close bonds, my relationships with the students didnt progress beyond friendly acquaintances despite my efforts. I spend birthdays, weekends etc alone and have done for as long as I can remember.
I do sort of have friends but I rarely hear from them, if I attempt to make plans they arent interested in meeting - they'll say theyre busy but will make time for their other friends. Its been like this through out my 20's and now in my thirties nothings changed. Ive been to counselling to try and get to the bottom of it but I was only ever told to be my own best friend and not to worry about others not liking me. - Ive completed different classes and courses - met lots of people but never developed a friendship. It never gets any easier. It also erodes my confidence as I cant help but look at myself and wonder whats so bad about me that nobody has any interest in getting to know me or spending time with me.
Has anyone been through anything similar?

Cash_Q

Hi,

I haven't been through anything similar but just wanted to say its great that you're reaching out as it must be difficult to process all that alone.

It sounds like you are an incredible student with lucky students to have you, although I'm sure you feel like you're the lucky one.

Are you a member of any clubs? Whether it's sport or personal interest, it can be nice to have a regular place to go to to make connections to others. Even if it's a bit of volunteering in the evenings.

You don't say if you are male or female but if female there is a group called Girlcrew who are strangers who meet up for social events. It could be a way of meeting like minded people who may have similar experience.

Well done on reaching out and being proactive with trying to address this. I have a family member with a somewhat similar situation to yourself and have worked with many people and children with similar situations and I wonder would you be on the autistic spectrum? Sometimes people on the spectrum find reading the social situations they are involved in difficult and that is something that can be worked very successfully on. This may not be the case at all but if you speak to your GP there may be a possible diagnosis that explains this and they can refer you on to a psychologist if they think this may be the case. All I know from what you have said is that you sound like a lovely person and that you deserve to get to the bottom of this and live a happy and more fulfilled life. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I can relate to this

Its something that I don't focus on all thr time - I have young children to keep me busy. It does flare up for me often , particularly with my in -laws who don't particularly like me. I find this relationship really difficult and spend a lot of time thinking about stuff thats gone on and also trying to figure out what it is about me that " repels" people, so to speak.

I just dust myself off and try to remain positive. mainly for my husband and children's sake. I do feel lonely and almost socially inept. I wish it was different but find it difficult to develop relationships beyond surface pleasantries. I try to remain focussed on growing myself and my family.

I don't really have advice for you I'm afraid but thought I should post so you know you're not the only person feeling this x

arkle1

I can relate to this

Its something that I don't focus on all the time - I have young children to keep me busy. It does flare up for me though , particularly with my in -laws who it seems dont particularly like me. I find the absence of a good relationship with the in laws really difficult and spend a lot of time thinking about stuff thats gone on and also trying to figure out what it is about me that " repels" people, so to speak.

I do dust myself off and try to remain positive for my husband and children's sake. Deep down I feel lonely and almost socially inept which has knocked my confidence. I wish it was different but find it difficult to develop relationships beyond surface pleasantries. I try to remain focussed on growing myself and my family.

I don't really have advice for you I'm afraid but thought I should post so you know you're not the only person feeling this x

silverharp

op you come across like you are competent and decent individual, im trying to think of what kind of individual would be rebuffed in such varied situations and while i maybe way off but based on my own experience over the years ive occasionally met people that just lack the normal social filters one expects, maybe being too familiar when you dont know them well or people that talk at you instead of engaging in a proper conversation. The counselor you met was obviously useless, do you have any family you could confide in? maybe have some sessions with a qualified psychologist. Also the fact that your romantic relationships have been abusive might suggest your own "social radar" isnt working. Chin up though , anyone who can get results with challenging kids has a special gift, good luck!

MirrorMirror72

Thanks everyone.
@Cash Q - Ive looked into clubs but there are none suitable anywhere near me. Im not into sports or fitness at all. Any other groups/clubs around are either strictly for men, aimed at middle aged and elderly ladies or kids and teenagers. There are no Girlcrew groups around here either. Ive also looked into volunteering and applied to lots of places but ended up being sent out to collect money. I really wanted to do drama as we did a few classes in college when training to be a teacher and I really enjoyed it but there are only classes for children and teens around here.

@Julie101 - This has crossed my mind in the past as a possible explanation as to why I don't connect with others but I dont relate to any other signs or symptoms of ASD. I also work with people on the spectrum from very mild to sever and I dont have the same issues they do, such as sensory issues, melt downs, unable to control emotions or express them responsibly, obsessions and particular interests, give and take in conversations and relationships.. understanding personal space such as standing too close to people, asking intruding questions, unaware of the other person feelings/behaviour etc. Im quiet and a little reserved but I know and understand ASD as I see it everyday in many of my students. Its not as simple as being unable to connect with people, the disorder goes much further than that. Thanks so much for your help, its certainly something to look into regardless.

@Arkle - Sorry to hear youre dealing with something similar. hugs xxx

@Silverharp - I wish it were that simple. Ive over analysed every part of my behaviour and at this stage im self aware enough to know that I dont blurt things out, say unkind things, express unwanted opinions. Im much more of a listener than a talker and I think this really helps in my job, im not someone who talks at people, I love engaging and listening to what they have to say and I love nothing more than a real conversation - I hate small talk. Im also quite reserved and it can take me a bit of time before I become familiar with others.. being over familiar with strangers is not me at all.

I just dont understand how I can have great professional relationships but cant seem to form personal ones.

If you are a woman (not sure that you are) the signs of ASD (especially high functioning autism who would have been once classified as Asperger’s) can be very masked and will not be always be as obvious as in boys. A lot of people only get a diagnosis when a child of theirs is diagnosed and then they join together the dots of their own areas of difficulties. Getting along well with colleagues and pupils can happen as it is a more structured obvious type of relationship; being unable to build deep meaningful relationships would be a marker. A lot of people with ASD end up in a job/career that is their obsession. It may not be autism but it would be better to get that checked when it is causing you such sadness not being able to build friendships. I have a friend with autism and she would have very similar difficulties to what you say. Not obvious to most people she has autism as she has learned to cope very well and did not realise she had autism herself until mental health issues led to a diagnosis.

Flippyfloppy

Would you find that you are quite passive?

I'm asking because I have some similarities to your situation, and have come to the conclusion that I'm too passive!

Ive realize that I never dare put myself out there. I wouldn't suggest meeting up or going for a drink with someone I'm getting to know. It usually wouldn't even occur to me, and I usually let others pull the strings in that regard.

If someone does invite me somewhere I usually will go, however it sets a precedent for the relationship, they're usually in control and it usually fizzles out as it's so one sided. Maybe that's just me!

Would love to be more proactive!!! Would you find yourself proactive?

MirrorMirror72

Deleted User wrote: »

If you are a woman (not sure that you are) the signs of ASD (especially high functioning autism who would have been once classified as Asperger’s) can be very masked and will not be always be as obvious as in boys. A lot of people only get a diagnosis when a child of theirs is diagnosed and then they join together the dots of their own areas of difficulties. Getting along well with colleagues and pupils can happen as it is a more structured obvious type of relationship; being unable to build deep meaningful relationships would be a marker. A lot of people with ASD end up in a job/career that is their obsession. It may not be autism but it would be better to get that checked when it is causing you such sadness not being able to build friendships. I have a friend with autism and she would have very similar difficulties to what you say. Not obvious to most people she has autism as she has learned to cope very well and did not realise she had autism herself until mental health issues led to a diagnosis.

Im aware it manifests differently in women and girls, I was friends with a girl for along time who was on the spectrum, I had to let the friendship go as it was becoming quite unhealthy, she was interfering in parts of my life, awkwardly trying to set me up with men id no interest in by telling them I liked them etc, conversations were entirely one sided, she's become annoyed with me for trying to speak about anything unrelated to herself. She would talk about the same thing for hours and misinterpret my body language and other peoples. When people became bored/fed up listening to her she would interpret that as the listener being extremely worried about her or taking her problems/things was saying on board. I can read body language, tone of voice, facial expressions etc. Having worked with ASD men women, teens and children for about 10 years and studying special needs disorders such as ASD it sort of confirmed for me that I dont have the disorder. I understand everybody is different and disorders effect people differently but there are very specific markers that dont fit with me. ASD can be a reason as to why somebody cant connect with others but there are other disorders, personality types and different circumstances that can result in an inability to form relationships such as child hood trauma, ADHD, genetics, upbringing, bullying can also effect a persons ability to trust others and form friendships.

MirrorMirror72

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Would you find that you are quite passive?

I'm asking because I have some similarities to your situation, and have come to the conclusion that I'm too passive!

Ive realize that I never dare put myself out there. I wouldn't suggest meeting up or going for a drink with someone I'm getting to know. It usually wouldn't even occur to me, and I usually let others pull the strings in that regard.

If someone does invite me somewhere I usually will go, however it sets a precedent for the relationship, they're usually in control and it usually fizzles out as it's so one sided. Maybe that's just me!

Would love to be more proactive!!! Would you find yourself proactive?

Hi thanks for responding, yes im very passive, I dont always take the initiative but I do find with friends if I try to make plans they arent interested or they let me down last minute, when they initiate plans I always make the effort to show up. I think because of these experiences im less inclined to put myself out there for fear of the rejection or of them not liking me. - This resonates with me very well. Im not very proactive either.

MirrorMirror72

MirrorMirror72 wrote: »

Im aware it manifests differently in women and girls, I was friends with a girl for along time who was on the spectrum, I had to let the friendship go as it was becoming quite unhealthy, she was interfering in parts of my life, awkwardly trying to set me up with men id no interest in by telling them I liked them etc, conversations were entirely one sided, she's become annoyed with me for trying to speak about anything unrelated to herself. She would talk about the same thing for hours and misinterpret my body language and other peoples. When people became bored/fed up listening to her she would interpret that as the listener being extremely worried about her or taking her problems/things was saying on board. I can read body language, tone of voice, facial expressions etc. Having worked with ASD men women, teens and children for about 10 years and studying special needs disorders such as ASD it sort of confirmed for me that I dont have the disorder. I understand everybody is different and disorders effect people differently but there are very specific markers that dont fit with me. ASD can be a reason as to why somebody cant connect with others but there are other disorders, personality types and different circumstances that can result in an inability to form relationships such as child hood trauma, ADHD, genetics, upbringing, bullying can also effect a persons ability to trust others and form friendships.

I have the same background as you. What you describe sounds like ASD to me not all would be like your friend. Best of luck with it all. Only you and your GP can really figure this out we can only give an opinion based on what you have said. From what you have said none of the other diagnosis you mention fit as you have not mentioned anything specifically of your childhood etc or anything that would sound like ADHD but I know it is hard to get all information into a post. Best of luck and a visit to a medical professional would be the next step.

MirrorMirror72

Deleted User wrote: »

I have the same background as you. What you describe sounds like ASD to me not all would be like your friend. Best of luck with it all. Only you and your GP can really figure this out we can only give an opinion based on what you have said. From what you have said none of the other diagnosis you mention fit as you have not mentioned anything specifically of your childhood etc or anything that would sound like ADHD but I know it is hard to get all information into a post. Best of luck and a visit to a medical professional would be the next step.

No I didnt mention it but I did have an abusive childhood and upbringing, my mother was very controlling particularly of my social life - I wasnt allowed to have one and when I did socialise it was on her terms. When I told my parents that my first boyfriend was abusive and that I wanted to leave him my mother threatened me, allowed him into the house and told me to get back with him. Her attitude was that if he loved me, I should take what ever abuse I was given and I was wrong for hurting him by ending the relationship.
When I was bullied in school and told my parents the names I was being called, instead of helping they joined in and called me names at home. I was told I was stupid and an embarrassment by my parents every day.
My brother had a very different upbringing, theres 11 years between us and I feel I was able to protect him from allot of abuse. If my parents bullied him I called them out on it, when he was bullied in school I told them to do something about it or I would. As a result of this he made lots of friends in primary school.
He's very sociable, he has plans every weekend and makes friends everywhere he goes.
I really do feel that upbringing and relationship with your parents has an effect on relationships in adulthood.

MirrorMirror72

MirrorMirror72 wrote: »

No I didnt mention it but I did have an abusive childhood and upbringing, my mother was very controlling particularly of my social life - I wasnt allowed to have one and when I did socialise it was on her terms. When I told my parents that my first boyfriend was abusive and that I wanted to leave him my mother threatened me, allowed him into the house and told me to get back with him. Her attitude was that if he loved me, I should take what ever abuse I was given and I was wrong for hurting him by ending the relationship.
When I was bullied in school and told my parents the names I was being called, instead of helping they joined in and called me names at home. I was told I was stupid and an embarrassment by my parents every day.
My brother had a very different upbringing, theres 11 years between us and I feel I was able to protect him from allot of abuse. If my parents bullied him I called them out on it, when he was bullied in school I told them to do something about it or I would. As a result of this he made lots of friends in primary school.
He's very sociable, he has plans every weekend and makes friends everywhere he goes.
I really do feel that upbringing and relationship with your parents has an effect on relationships in adulthood.

I am so sorry to hear about your childhood this will undoubtably have had a huge impact on you then and now. I still think a GP is next port of call as there is a huge difference in the help you will get depending on whether you are referred on to a psychologist or counsellor or psychiatrist and only the GP will be able to help you with which is needed.

qwerty13

I was - past tense - friends with someone who was very passive. I’m not saying this is what you are like, but maybe if I explain why I stopped being friends with her, it might ring some bells. Maybe not either though. See what you think.

My friend would never contribute anything to arrangements re meeting, choices re where we’d go, or weekends away with other friends. She just seemed to have no opinion, ever. Then I realised that the rest of us would stay out after we met her, or arrange nights without her. Not because she was mean or difficult- but because she was just never ‘involved’. She’d listen to the rest of us talking about our lives, and difficulties, and never say a word about herself. Nothing.

Eventually - years later - we all sort of realised that the reason we’d stay out after she went home, or had started to meet without her, was that we all felt highly uncomfortable sharing details of the ‘downs’ in our lives, when she seemed totally unwilling to share anything about herself. It felt like being friends with a blank page.

In the end, the friendship just drifted away. In hindsight, I wouldn’t say we were ever actually friends, to me we were more acquaintances. She just made me and others in our group feel uncomfortable about sharing info about our lives when you just get nothing back, and feel that you might as well have poured your heart out to a stranger on the bus.

I’m not saying this is what you are like, I’m just offering it as a possibility. I do feel that something happened in this girls life to make her so closed off. But after 10 years, I was done with it. As I said, it was like being friends with a blank page.

PS: only my sketchy interpretation - but could this be why you form good relationships at work? That there’s a topic / common ground that you are very willing to (and good at) engage on? Could this be the difference with personal relationships, that you block people out, and don’t engage?

I could be reaching OP. Feel free to tell me that I’m utterly wrong.

MirrorMirror72

qwerty13 wrote: »

I was - past tense - friends with someone who was very passive. I’m not saying this is what you are like, but maybe if I explain why I stopped being friends with her, it might ring some bells. Maybe not either though. See what you think.

My friend would never contribute anything to arrangements re meeting, choices re where we’d go, or weekends away with other friends. She just seemed to have no opinion, ever. Then I realised that the rest of us would stay out after we met her, or arrange nights without her. Not because she was mean or difficult- but because she was just never ‘involved’. She’d listen to the rest of us talking about our lives, and difficulties, and never say a word about herself. Nothing.

Eventually - years later - we all sort of realised that the reason we’d stay out after she went home, or had started to meet without her, was that we all felt highly uncomfortable sharing details of the ‘downs’ in our lives, when she seemed totally unwilling to share anything about herself. It felt like being friends with a blank page.

In the end, the friendship just drifted away. In hindsight, I wouldn’t say we were ever actually friends, to me we were more acquaintances. She just made me and others in our group feel uncomfortable about sharing info about our lives when you just get nothing back, and feel that you might as well have poured your heart out to a stranger on the bus.

I’m not saying this is what you are like, I’m just offering it as a possibility. I do feel that something happened in this girls life to make her so closed off. But after 10 years, I was done with it. As I said, it was like being friends with a blank page.

PS: only my sketchy interpretation - but could this be why you form good relationships at work? That there’s a topic / common ground that you are very willing to (and good at) engage on? Could this be the difference with personal relationships, that you block people out, and don’t engage?

I could be reaching OP. Feel free to tell me that I’m utterly wrong.

Hey Qwerty, thanks for sharing, that does sound like an uncomfortable friendship.. I had a friend like that in my twenties, she wouldnt share anything about her life and I realised she was only interested in being drinking buddies and someone to go out with at the weekends, the friendship was very shallow, like your friend we drifted and no longer speak. Im curious though.. did anyone in your group encourage her to open up or get her to share anything?

I am passive but I do share things about my life and try to contribute to the friendship but the friends ive had were just never really that interested. I was there for them through thick and thin but when I needed a friend such as a parents illness, breakups, depression, family deaths etc they wearnt there and I barely even got asked how I was. When id try to share things about me they would behave very disinterested - phone would come out or theyd turn the conversation on to themselves, ive even gotten eye rolls of a friend who had spent the previous hour talking about what was going on with her. As soon as I mentioned myself she was ready to leave. I find now when I do talk about myself im finishing what I want to say as quickly as I can as theyre clearly uninterested. I dont want to bore anyone but friendships should be give and take.
If we do go out and I suggest somewhere to go they always pick somewhere else to go instead. The last time people did come out for my birthday, I told them where I wanted to go and what night but in the end they got the final say and we went out on the night they decided to and to the place they wanted to go..
I am closed off but its because ive been let down so many times I dont see the point in making the effort anymore. Theyre only going to let me down.
Its interesting what you said about having something in common with work colleagues, this is very true and not something I thought about before. The minute the conversation becomes more informal, personal or 'friendly' I become very uncomfortable and closed off and find it difficult to keep the conversation going. A work mate asked me if I go out much in town and I felt so uncomfortable - she was asking about my social life but I dont have one, I basically had to lie. I wouldnt say I dont engage but I do block people out.

Austria!

Could you have bad hygiene or other offputting habits?

david75

I feel much the same way on every front OP. I hope you’re ok and find a way through all this. Admire your honesty and ability to reach out 100%.
Be well and be lucky. Hope it works out for you.

qwerty13

It was in hindsight a very uncomfortable friendship. I just felt like I couldn’t tell her anything anymore, without feeling, well, almost ignored. It wasn’t a drinking buddies situation though, it was genuine and mixed social outings.

I encouraged this girl for years to open up. Maybe she wasn’t comfortable no matter what I said though. I deliberately brought up chats about family, sexuality, workplace interaction. Anything to see if I could get her to talk. But blank page.

I didn’t mean to criticise being passive - just that my friend situation was a mixture of total shutdown and extreme passivity.

I think from what you’ve just said though, the situation I described isn’t yours.

I myself am often far more at ease in work situations. I do have a small circle of great friends, but I’m terrible with people that I don’t know. I have often suspected there is something about autism spectrum with me (bit of pop psychology and family history).

My friends are actually all through work. I have no friends through home, school or college. But I am very at ease in my own company. I would have zero problem telling people that my plan for the weeekend was to watch box sets and read all weekend! I’m clutching at straws again, but do you seem uncomfortable with yourself, and that comes across to others?

PS: the reason that I think my friends over many years are through work is that they are more ‘my kind of people’ than I ever encountered in school or growing up. Or maybe I gained confidence or something through work, and that made me better able to form bonds with people with a common understanding. I’m not sure tbh!

PPS: the way you replied to my post makes me think that you are very open, not closed off at all. And willing to take on a not necessarily easy viewpoint. That takes balls to be like that. And self-awareness.

Is there a chance that you are somehow attracted to (not just sexual relationships) people who are like your childhood history? Again, pop psychology on my part. But you are familiar with the situation of people who boss you and ignore your choices, and thus repeat the pattern. Again, I could be totally wrong. Just throwing it out there. Maybe it’s not you at all. Maybe you are associating with the wrong people.

up for anything

I'm a social person who over the years has had no problem with making friends and keeping them. I have a wide circle of acquaintances and would have no reservations about contacting them if I was in their locality and suggesting meeting up for a coffee. I never anticipate rejection and equally unless someone makes it very very clear that they are rejecting me I don't take refusals personally. I'll be friends with anyone from any social circle or 'level' in society who wants to be friendly. The reason I am saying all this is because there are only a few types of people who repel me, for want of a better word and who I now, due to experience, run from on first meeting. They are people who are very intense about everything/somethings, those who complain bitterly and constantly about the same old things and those who come across as very needy. I have had several very good friends who slowly segued, due to different occurrences in their lives, into these types and eventually had to cut them out of my life in order to retain my sanity. I'm not proud of it but it was me or them. I hate losing friends so it took a lot.

You don't sound like a complainer, but perhaps due to or despite all that introspection and self-examination, you may come across as very intense and maybe needy to people that you meet, which on a professional level may translate into something which is good for your work environment but on a personal level can be very off-putting.

Do you tend to hold a lot of eye contact with people when you are speaking to them? This can be very off-putting.

elvis83

OP, so sorry to hear about your situation, it's really heart wrenching. Firstly, you sound very much like an intelligent, thoughtful person who has an exceptional gift for teaching and you should be extremely proud of your accomplishments in that part of your life.

Secondly, your situation definitely stems from your abusive upbringing, especially in relation to how your mother tried to control and sabotage your friendships and abusive relationship. It sounds like she had her own issues and (unfairly) took them out on you.

You need proper counselling. Asap. Go to your gp. And don't settle for that excuse of a counsellor you mentioned in a previous post.

Good luck with everything, and I hope it all works out for you.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Rachiee

Hi OP just some things to think about. Making friends as an adult is very difficult many people with groups of friends have held onto those friendships from school or college. (wasnt an option for you after what you had been through at home/bullying)
Other frienships that are common with adults are work relationships (but it really depends on your work mates)
Membership of a specific club or community (you haven't found one to suit your interests)

I would say there is a chance that you come across as intense/ needy or generally lacking in confidence (which is off putting)
But theres equally a chance that its nothing to do with you and just the timing is off. Either way all you can do is try to remain open and enjoy life as much as you can.
Ive never met a friend through meetup.com but it gets me out of the house. You say you are interested in Drama while there may not be a group near you have you looked into a musical society? theres usually one in most towns. If not you could always consider starting your own group.
I think new friendships are difficult as an adult because they take time to grow and for two adults to have the consistent time to comit and build a relationship with a shared history and trust well life just gets in the way, this is why established clubs and groups are better because you see eachother every week and build the friendship naturally.
I wish you luck but just wanted to say its not necessarily anything majorly wrong with you.

DoozerT6

MirrorMirror72 wrote: »

Its interesting what you said about having something in common with work colleagues, this is very true and not something I thought about before. The minute the conversation becomes more informal, personal or 'friendly' I become very uncomfortable and closed off and find it difficult to keep the conversation going. A work mate asked me if I go out much in town and I felt so uncomfortable - she was asking about my social life but I dont have one, I basically had to lie. I wouldnt say I dont engage but I do block people out.

I highlighted this part of your post because I can also identify with it, 100%. I have had friends, even good, great friends, but I have drifted away from them over the past several years, as their lives took the usual route; relationships, marriage, kids, etc, and my life didn't take that route despite my efforts. I found myself with less and less in common with them - they hadn't changed per se, but their lives had, and I couldn't keep up or identify in any meaningful way with them. Nobody made me feel excluded - I did that to myself, because they seemingly effortlessly had what I always hoped for but always failed to find: love, relationships, a career. It became too painful to listen to them talk about things I could only seemingly dream about having.

I'm exactly the same as you with work colleagues, I can engage and chat away with no problems about general subjects but as soon as the conversation turns any way personal, I clam up. I just get so, so uncomfortable talking about myself in any personal way, because there's nobody I hang out with and literally nothing going on in my life, and who wants to admit that to people?

Anyway, enough about me: OP, I would recommend you find a good counsellor to help you work through your childhood issues, and have you considered joining Toastmasters? I don't have any direct experience of them myself (yet) but they are a social group who's aim is to help people with social interactions, public speaking, self-confidence, etc. I have been thinking of joining myself, to help with the aversion to socialising I seem to have developed.

Best of luck!

LLMMLL

Is it possible you have a skewed interpretation of your interactions with people?

Take the group of postgrads who never included you for example. It almost sounds like bullying on their part if they just randomly decided not to include you in everything. Was there really one group in the class that everyone else was in that excluded you? Or were there many groups and this was one you wanted to be in for some reason? Or was there one group but ten other people who also were not part of that group? You say your friends leave when you talk about yourself but is it possible that you wait until the last few minutes to talk about yourself but then it's time for that person to leave (for example if it's a lunch date).

I'm not saying any of the above is true by the way, just throwing out some examples of how people can misinterpret neutral situations in a negative way.

Making close friends as an adult is not easy OP. It's one of the most common problems that comes up here. My friends nearly all come from my early 20s. I've only made one new friend in the last few years and that was because we have similar personalities and working alone together in a small office. Sure there are people you can have lunch with to "catch up" but a lot of the times these are the ones you're not close to. And they probably don't want to help you with the death of a family member etc.

So maybe there's nothing particularly wrong with you OP. Maybe you just had some bad luck in the 0-23 years where a lot of people make their closest friendships. Maybe you misinterpret some interactions in too negative a light. And maybe you're just facing the same problem as at least 50% (probably.much more in my opinion) of adults: making new friends is HARD.

suicide_circus

I'm trying to put myself back in college and remember why anyone would have been excluded from nights out. It probably came down to them being either too annoying, awkward or too "weird" to be dealing with even in a group. And bearing in mind that weirdness/kookiness was a social asset in university. Yes it all sounds very cruel but that's social dynamics for you.

It does sounds like you've gone pretty far down the rabbit hole in terms of self analysis and you're probably psyching yourself out now at this stage. I'm struggling to come up with solutions. Is there anyone you're on good enough terms with that you could ask for honest feedback on your behaviour around other people?

Tell me how

suicide_circus wrote:

It does sounds like you've gone pretty far down the rabbit hole in terms of self analysis and you're probably psyching yourself out now at this stage. I'm struggling to come up with solutions. Is there anyone you're on good enough terms with that you could ask for honest feedback on your behaviour around other people?

This could be a very dangerous thing to do imo. If you were on good enough terms to ask the question, you probably wouldn't feel you are in this position.

I suspect that someone would answer this untruthfully to either protect their behavior or as, they might see it, to protect you from feeling hurt.

It's a very complex topic and you could end up looking in the wrong direction if you got misleading information. It's not a bad idea but I think you'd really want to trust who you are asking.

suicide_circus

Yeah look I'm clutching at straws here. It feels wrong that the OP should have to amend their personality in order to "fit in" but there does seems to be a long lived and persistent issue with her/his approach to interpersonal relationships which is causing loneliness and unhappiness. The only way to address the problem is to identify the problem.

knotknowbody

Hi MirrorMirror72,

I'm a guy, late thirties, and besides the gender difference, I could have pretty much written your posts, the loneliness is difficult at the moment, i have lots of the same issues with friendships and relationships particularly the exclusion when at school and college, I was never able to turn the multiple friendly chats you have with someone over the course of a school or college year into an actual friendship, or even have them think of inviting me on a night out. Looking back i don't think i was deliberately excluded, it was just they didn't think to invite me, probably because while I was friendly and easy going I wasn't good at craic and banter, like a lot of people on the spectrum I tend to take things very literally which makes for more serious conversations and means I'm not good with the jokes and banter that flies on a night out, hence no invite.

I know you said you don't believe you are on the spectrum but I'd be interested to know have you ever taken any of the online tests for Asperger's or ASD, I'd never really considered it as many of the markers aren't present for me I had ruled it out as I never had the meltdowns etc, but about two years ago an acquaintance who had some training in the field suggested it to me. Many of the symptoms don't affect everyone and one person can be severely affected by one particular issue but not really have any of the other signs or symptoms. I know I have always been badly affected by the social and relationship symptoms but not really noticeably by the other stuff although on reflection i have minor effects of most of the common symptoms, just not enough to really effect daily life.

Many people become particularly good at masking the symptoms that are in their control, but the social aspects involve other people which are an unpredictable factor and that causes me issues. Anyway I found the aspie quiz good and found the spider diagram for my results closely mirrored the areas I have most difficulty with in everyday life which was very interesting, my neuro-diverse score is 132, my neuro-typical is 66, based on that it determines I am very likely neurodiverse (Aspie). Anyway the questionnaire takes about 20 minutes so is an interesting way to pass a half hour and it might just help even in a small way, I know it did for me.

MirrorMirror72

Hi all thanks for your replies.

@Austria - I hope not, I shower every day, brush my teeth, wash my clothes and wear deodorant. No one has ever commented on my hygiene before.

Thank you @David75, same to you.

Thanks @Qwerty I think youre right, although I wouldnt say im attracted to people who are like the people from my past I because of how I was brought up the people who stick with me are people who are all take and no give, like the friends I have and did have treated others in their lives badly too. When bullies in school left me alone, they bullied someone else.
A few other students in my college had similar negative experiences with other students, being excluded, had their college work and belongings destroyed or stolen (thankfully this didnt happen to me)...It was a bad atmosphere overall.
When people are nice to me or supportive it makes me very uncomfortable. Im not used to it. This certainly plays a part.
Your reply was really helpful. Thanks again Qwerty. x

Thanks @FizzleSticks id never thought about a lifecoach. Thats something to consider. x

Hi @Rachie - I do come off as having a lack of confidence and since my confidence has improved I do notice a huge shift in how people respond to me and this is something im still working on. Needy and intense arent really me - im quite easy going and independent but again its something to consider. Thanks this was helpful. x

Hi @Doozer, im sorry youre feeling that way and life didnt go how you planned. Its never too late to build a career and find love. If you still want those things whats stopping you from trying to make them happen?
Ive heard of toastmasters, still havent built up the courage to go but its on the list.

Hi @LLMMLL thanks for replying, I have self awareness and im also aware of my surroundings and interactions. My college classmates wearnt friendly, they had their clicks and if you wearnt in one you were excluded. Thats just how it worked. There was also allot of competition among students - people going crazy if someone got a higher mark than them etc, work and belongings going missing, getting destroyed etc, the environment was unhealthy.
As for my friends - no I dont wait until the last minute - I try to contribute by listening and also sharing my own experiences but theyre often only interested in talking about themselves or bitching about their other friends. Making new friends as an adult is really hard. Thanks again LLMMLL.

Thanks Suicide Circus - Yes ive gone way to far in self analyses, I suppose im just trying so hard to get to the bottom of this issue. I want to have healthy connections with good natured, fun people. Theres no one I can ask unfortunately.

@Knotknowbody - Thanks for the link, I took the test, answered all the questions honestly and the results say neaurotypical (168 out of 200) My neaurodiverse score was 38 - I wish there was a quick diagnosis for this and I could just say I had something thats making me this way, then I could get treatment and move forward but its not that simple. I understand humour, I often make people laugh - Im not great at banter but thats down to the fact that im not very confident and im not very witty either. I understand sarcasm and dont take things literally. Conversations arent intense although I dont mind deep conversations, all of the time or too often can be very draining so I generally like keeping things light and breezy. Thanks for taking the time to respond. x