I am too blunt for my own good.

LegacyUser

Might sound like a trivial thing compared to most but it's something that has started to really bother me. I cannot hold my tongue.

If I know someone is lying about something I feel like I *have* to call them out on it. The same if someone is saying something that I know to be wrong. I butt into conversations that have nothing to do with me to call someone out on something incorrect or give my opinion.

For example, a friend of mine told me she was pregnant. Said the doctor told her that 'two strong lines means she might be having twins'. I blurted out 'The second line is a control line so your doctor is an idiot. This got me the filthiest looks ever.

Another time I was out with a friend and a friend of hers was there. She was telling us how she was on her way to collect the keys to her house when her solicitor called and told her her own house sale had fallen through and she subsequently lost the house she was buying. I just found this a bit odd that apparently everything was a done deal so I kept quizzing her on it. I knew she was lying (turns out she never even put a deposit on the house - and I went out of my way to find this out!) but I kept pushing her. It was embarrassing for all involved.

My ex's brother was trying to lose weight. We were eating dinner together and he was saying he was doing his best. I blurted out 'You've just eaten 2 bags of chips and litre of coke, you're not trying that hard'. His whole family were disgusted with me.

A girl in school said she was putting down law on her CAO. I said 'why are you even bothering, you are doing 2 foundation level subjects and everything else is ordinary'.

I know these all might sound trivial but I've got a reputation for being a bit of a bitch and I really don't like being this way. A lot of people don't like me and I assume it's because of me being too blunt.

Neyite

A clarifying question: If your boss or an important client that you could'n't possibly offend was to say something that was absolutely wrong would you point it out in the same tone of voice and in the same manner? Or would you modify it to sound more diplomatic.

You see, if you would honestly answer that as a no, then you can control it and you do have the ability to be a bit more diplomatic but you are choosing not to around your friends.

Katgurl

Yes tbh most of the things you have described are suggesting you are either very unkind or lacking in empathy. You have also just highlighted the consequences for yourself afterwards ie how people don't like you and how it's affecting you negatively.

You are going to have to work hard to put yourself in other people's shoes.

Your pregnant friend was obviously excited and you put a dampner on that. I am sure your ex's brother felt humiliated and the would-be home owner just frustrated and angry.

I suggest you try to remember the following -

Everyone has their own personal stuff going on that you are not privy to. Whether or not their facts are exactly right, they are sharing their story for a reason and that could be a request for support. If they are asking for support in whatever manner they choose then can you not give it them simply by listening and not judging?

Be aware you are not omnipotent yourself. You have no guarantee the doctor didn't know what he or she was talking about so you are not qualified to label him an idiot.

Be kind. If you find it hard to see things from anyone else's perspective then look at it in a selfish way; you don't feel good when you're blunt so don't be! Take a deep breath and bite your tongue. You will like yourself more and surely thats what you want.

duffman13

Tbh I'd probably say all of those things you said but in a more diplomatic way while still highlighting the bull****, your content might be fine, it seems your delivery is what's lacking. There is nothing wrong with having a low tolerance for bull**** but call it out in a more humorous way maybe and just drop it if they continue

Ursus Horribilis

With a tongue like that in your head, I'm surprised you have any friends at all. Being blunt is the least of your worries. Going by what you said in the incidents you described, you've got a mean-minded streak in you. It's not just that you're being tactless, you're finding ways of being cruel to people, undermining them and making yourself look like Miss Clever Clogs. It's good that you've identified that it's a problem and it's going to take a lot of work to sort out. I'd also wonder why you feel the need to make everyone hear your opinion. Did you have self-esteem issues when you were younger? Did people not want to hear what you had to say?

I think it would be helpful to start putting yourself in the shoes of the people you're saying these things to. I've a feeling you've lost the ability to see the human beings behind the stories. Would you like it if someone insulted your CAO choices, went digging around your private business or humiliated you. What did you hope to gain from lashing these people? Other than to make them feel bad? It's easier said than done but it can be helpful to have a think about what you're saying before you say it.

If you don't have any luck with it, then perhaps it's time to seek professional help to deal with it? CBT or something like that? Sounds like there's something badly off-kilter in your make-up and perhaps you can't sort it without some outside help?

LegacyUser

Really appreciate the replies so far.

Neyite wrote: »

A clarifying question: If your boss or an important client that you could'n't possibly offend was to say something that was absolutely wrong would you point it out in the same tone of voice and in the same manner? Or would you modify it to sound more diplomatic.

I'm very much known in work as the woman who takes no bull so I don't think I soften my replies for my boss or anyone else.

duffman13 wrote: »

Tbh I'd probably say all of those things you said but in a more diplomatic way while still highlighting the bull****, your content might be fine, it seems your delivery is what's lacking. There is nothing wrong with having a low tolerance for bull**** but call it out in a more humorous way maybe and just drop it if they continue

Lately, I've been doing my best to just bite my tongue. I don't think I could do the humorous thing, as much as I'd like to be able to do it

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

. Would you like it if someone insulted your CAO choices, went digging around your private business or humiliated you. What did you hope to gain from lashing these people? Other than to make them feel bad? It's easier said than done but it can be helpful to have a think about what you're saying before you say it.

See this is the thing, my CAO choices were realistic. I didn't put down medicine in TCD. I didn't even do particularly well in the leaving cert (350) but I had enough to get my course. I feel like I'm very much a realist. I'm not trying to humiliate them or make them feel bad. I'm very inquisitive. If someone tells me they did something/went somewhere I'd ask more details. I always like hearing peoples stories etc, I just get frustrated when I hear someone say something that I know to be completely untrue or wrong.

Another example. Someone in the office got their learner permit on Monday and said they were doing their test the following week. Most people would say 'good luck' whereas I said 'Will you have time to do all the lessons you need?' I'm not trying to be mean, I'm not trying to be hurtful. I'm genuinely asking because I'm curious. Turns out the person didn't know you had to do a certain amount of lessons but they thought I was being a smart ass.

Big Bag of Chips

Going 'out of your way' to prove somebody is lying is a bit more than being blunt. Why do you care what someone else wrote on their CAO form? She was never going to get it, but she wasn't going to lose anything by adding it.

There are some people who can be direct but do it without the need to humiliate others. You seem to feel the need to not only point out they're wrong, but to humiliate them in the process. I have little time for fantasists who exaggerate their life, but for the most part they're harmless enough. People who feel the need to always point out other people's failings are the type of person I'd consider 'dangerous' and I'd give them a very wide berth.

Do you care that people don't like you? If you do then you need to amend how you interact with people.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm very much known in work as the woman who takes no bull so I don't think I soften my replies for my boss or anyone else.

So what happens if someone makes a mistake and needs to come speak to you? Do you make them feel the size of a pea?

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Going 'out of your way' to prove somebody is lying is a bit more than being blunt. Why do you care what someone else wrote on their CAO form? She was never going to get it, but she wasn't going to lose anything by adding it.

There are some people who can be direct but do it without the need to humiliate others. You seem to feel the need to not only point out they're wrong, but to humiliate them in the process. I have little time for fantasists who exaggerate their life, but for the most part they're harmless enough. People who feel the need to always point out other people's failings are the type of person I'd consider 'dangerous' and I'd give them a very wide berth.

Do you care that people don't like you? If you do then you need to amend how you interact with people.

In the case where I went out of my way to find out they were lying. I did this because I found her whole story absolutely baffling and couldn't understand it at first. It was clear when she gave me more details that she was lying but I just couldn't stop myself asking her more.

The CAO thing happened 15 years ago and I still feel really guilty about it. It's one of the first encounters I remember of me saying something so blunt. If I knew where the girl was now I would apologise. I don't know why I felt the need to say it.

I think, thinking back on it now it stems from the fact that I had a few schoolmates who constantly lied and I never 'followed up' on the lies. I was waiting for a friend to walk to school with and she was late. I got annoyed with her for being late and she told me it was because her brother had an epileptic fit and had been taken to hospital. Later that week I was in her house and asked how her brother was after the fit and if he was in hospital long and her mother was like 'What are you talking about?' I never believed another word that girl said.

I do care that people dislike me. I don't want to be disliked. I've no desire either to be loved by all. Lately I've been doing my best to not call people out on their lies but I feel it bubbling up inside me to ask.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So what happens if someone makes a mistake and needs to come speak to you? Do you make them feel the size of a pea?

God no. Why would I? A mistake is a mistake.

If, for example, I spotted the mistake and asked them about it and then they lied then yes I probably wouldn't be as nice as I could be. Thankfully that has never happened.

Ellie2008

I would say from what you have written that you seem to care too much about other people's business for your own good.

I understand at times how it's tempting to call people out on BS but you seem to get a kick out of it. Why do you feel the need to point out someone won't get enough CAO points for a course, or make a comment about someone's diet. Is it that you genuinely feel the need to pu them backin their box?w hy can't you let these things slide?

evolving_doors

I don't think you're pointing out people's failings.
Just exposing inconsistencies (either intentional ones or unintententional).
Have a look at Larry David 'Curb your enthusiasm' clips on youtube. His character has gotten through 9 seasons of being a social assassin... although he's rich enough not to give a fiddlers who he offends or calls on their little white lies.

LegacyUser

Ellie2008 wrote: »

I would say from what you have written that you seem to care too much about other people's business for your own good.

I understand at times how it's tempting to call people out on BS but you seem to get a kick out of it. Why do you feel the need to point out someone won't get enough CAO points for a course, or make a comment about someone's diet. Is it that you genuinely feel the need to pu them backin their box?w hy can't you let these things slide?

I honestly don't mean to humiliate people or make them feel bad and I've no idea why I just can't let things go.

evolving_doors wrote: »

I don't think you're pointing out people's failings.
Just exposing inconsistencies (either intentional ones or unintententional).
Have a look at Larry David 'Curb your enthusiasm' clips on youtube. His character has gotten through 9 seasons of being a social assassin... although he's rich enough not to give a fiddlers who he offends or calls on their little white lies.

Thank you. I'll look that up.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you should go see a professional? We can all stand here and take potshots at you for your poor way of dealing with people. But what's that going to achieve? If your ways of thinking and behaving are as deeply ingrained as they seem to be, we might not be able to help you all that much.

Big Bag of Chips

'Curb your Enthusiasm' isn't real life and real people's feelings though! OP, if you genuinely feel like you cannot stop yourself then maybe you need to speak to someone. There could be an underlying personality trait? There could be underlying condition. People on the autism spectrum for example can be very 'right/wrong' and not comprehend the finer points of social etiquette. CBT might be helpful either. It can train you to stop your thoughts going down a certain path.

If this is something that's bothering you, there's no harm in having a chat with your GP. There mightn't be anything underlying at all and you might just need to learn to not care quite so much.

Cash_Q

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

OP, if you genuinely feel like you cannot stop yourself then maybe you need to speak to someone. There could be an underlying personality trait? There could be underlying condition. People on the autism spectrum for example can be very 'right/wrong' and not comprehend the finer points of social etiquette.

Throughout reading this thread all I could think about was people on the autism spectrum. To be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder you must meet certain criteria on what's known as the 'Triad of Impairment' (look up Lorna Wing). Many of us identify with several traits but not enough to achieve a diagnosis of ASD. I'd recommend reading anything by Simon Baron Cohen (Simon, not Sacha, he is second-cousin of the Ali-G actor).

mikemac2

liarliarpantsonfire wrote: »

I'm very much known in work as the woman who takes no bull so I don't think I soften my replies for my boss or anyone else.

I call a spade a spade
I tell it how it is
Some people don’t accept it but I don’t hold back

Your statement above makes it sound like you’re proud of this reputation. You started this thread and you’re an active OP but I get the impression you don’t even want to change

splinter65

OP ideally, what would you like to happen?
Are you unhappy, lonely ...what has prompted you to post?
Other people’s reactions to your bluntness won’t change....that’s for sure.
Is there something in your life causing you unhappiness at the moment and you think it’s because of your tendency to hurt other people?

LegacyUser

mikemac2 wrote: »

Your statement above makes it sound like you’re proud of this reputation. You started this thread and you’re an active OP but I get the impression you don’t even want to change

If I was proud of this I wouldn't be posting here looking for help.

splinter65 wrote: »

OP ideally, what would you like to happen?
Are you unhappy, lonely ...what has prompted you to post?
Other people’s reactions to your bluntness won’t change....that’s for sure.
Is there something in your life causing you unhappiness at the moment and you think it’s because of your tendency to hurt other people?

Someone called me out on it so to speak over Christmas and I've been thinking about it since then. Up until then, I hadn't realised that I was unintentionally hurting peoples feelings and I'm trying to change.

loalae

You sound really like my cousin. She is very blunt and can say some completely outrageous things. Sometimes what she says hurts but her comments are those that get straight to the point the quickest and get me to stop fooling myself.

I still love her because I know she's not tying to hurt me. I wish her comments didn't hurt but I respect that she doesn't pussyfoot around me.

I don't know OP. You probably could benefit from being more diplomatic and it could be a skill you'll develop. But as long as you're not actively seeking to hurt others you're not responsible for how they feel.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

fineso.mom

I'm a bit like you OP, in that I dont like lying , so I can see where you are coming from. But there is a difference between BS and lying. BS is usually just someone trying to big themselves up or make a story more interesting and it's pretty harmless. Lying can have more serious consequences and so should be called out if necessary.
Maybe when you feel you want to call someone out you could ask yourself first " does this lie /bulls@#t affect me?
If it doesn't, let it go.

quickbeam

I'm like you, OP. I bite my tongue so often, but it can't be done 100% of the time and eventually stuff comes out that I can't help. I do usually try to soften the tone and be careful with my words, but I think I'm bad at that and it just comes out blunt no matter how much I try to sugar coat it. As an example, I was disapproving of a friend who had taken up smoking again after having quit them a long time. I know it's their business, but it just seemed like such a stupid thing to do that I couldn't help myself. But it came from a good place - concern for them.

I think yours sound like concern sometimes too - you didn't want your friend to waste their CAO application with unrealistic choices; you wanted to help your BIL see why he couldn't lose weight. I don't think you set out to hurt people but actually want to help them (in some of your examples anyway) and you just need to learn (as do I) how to do it better. In your other examples, you may not have been trying to help, but you did seem to have zero tolerance for BS, and I don't think that's altogether a bad trait either.

You show character by seeing your fault (even of only after being pointed out to you) and wanting to change. Some people are ball-breakers and don't care what people think of them, or if they're hated for their attitude. So you're already ahead of them in wanting to change. I'd echo what others have said about taking to somebody and seeing if by CBT you can learn to learn when to bite your tongue and when to speak out, and when you do speak out, how to modify the words and tone you use. Good luck!

December2012

Why do you involve yourself? E.g. if somebody is talking about a driving test, or a house, or their pregnancy it has nothing to do with you.

Your behaviour sounds nosey, rude and attention seeking. You are making somebody else situation all about you, and doing it publically. Has you considered you may be doing it so they'll talk about you?

If I were you I would really consider professional mental help. You could also look into an assessment to see if aspergers or something like that is a factor.

On a smaller level, pause before you speak, and try to say something kind if you're saying anything at all.

Ellie2008

December2012 wrote: »

Why do you involve yourself? E.g. if somebody is talking about a driving test, or a house, or their pregnancy it has nothing to do with you.

Your behaviour sounds nosey, rude and attention seeking. You are making somebody else situation all about you, and doing it publically. Has you considered you may be doing it so they'll talk about you?

If I were you I would really consider professional mental help. You could also look into an assessment to see if aspergers or something like that is a factor.

On a smaller level, pause before you speak, and try to say something kind if you're saying anything at all.

A couple of people have replied I can't help myself you can & you should.

None of the things you have described are your place to comment on.

For starters I was always told to put the course I actually wanted rather than thought I would get at the top of the CAO. Realistically medicine in TCD is probably not going to drop to 300 points but as points depend on the number of people applying it could drop.

Why are you so sure you're right all the time?! It's arrogant!

About that person's house how
did you know their purchase wasn't dependant on completion of the sale of their property.

The weight thing was downright mean.

Learn to respect other people's boundaries, it might be useful when in social situations to ask yourself if the situation being discussed has anything to do with you & if not don't comment or at the very least don't badger the person.

I do understand to a point I can picture myself thinking really if someone on a diet scoffs crisps in front of me & then tells me it's going well. But while it may be tempting at times I know I shouldn't comment.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the replies. It's given me a lot to think about.

Mods this can be closed now.

Canard

I can't add much to what's been said already, and I think a lot of your problem stems from how you view this "knowledge" -- and I do understand that to an extent. I had an ex who consistently told me the most outlandish lies about sensitive topics but by virtue of the topics themselves and my lack of proof, I never dared call him out on it (very similar to the epilepsy episode you mentioned). It's frustrating to look back and imagine people wandering around thinking they got one over on you.

That said, I try to view that kind of knowledge/awareness as a tool rather than something to be malicious with. A more pertinent example: I'm a teacher and one of my students recently missed several 9am classes in a row, emailing me to say she was sick but then turning up to my colleague's class at 4pm, so she was clearly just being lazy. She came to me in person to 'explain' that she was 'sick', and I could (and maybe even should) have easily called her out on that, but why bother? The person knows they're lying (or, as others have said, living in their own fantasy world), but I know the truth and she doesn't know that -- so it's a tool I can use later in my grading.

Overall, as others have said, some of what you've described is just plain mean, but you know that and want to change it. Do you not find it extremely awkward when you cause these situations? I've once or twice made tone deaf jokes and, in hindsight, I still don't quite understand why they hit a nerve, but they did. The idea was to make a little poke at close friends on what I saw as harmless topics that evidently weren't so harmless, and I still cringe when I think about them and have learned to sometimes just say later "haha, I was gonna say XYZ but I didn't know if it'd piss you off" and sometimes my (lighter-hearted) friends will tell me I should've said it and it would've been funny, but it can be hard to read these situations. My advice would be, if you really can't stop, find a middle ground: the woman lying about the house would've understood that you knew she was lying after a while, there was no need to drag it out and make things awkward.

You can be blunt without being hurtful. Sometimes it's necessary when people are blatantly lying and / or trying to make a fool out of you, but in cases where it's harmless, there really is no need.

dellas1979

I used to be like yourself OP.

I used to get in mighty trouble at work. Luckily, I had a manager who was empathetic to my situation/who I was. And it was something that was coached out of me. And I began applying things in my own life that Id learned at work (and am still learning!). Its all very learnable.

- Most of the time, its not what you want to say, its how you say it. Your delivery. Your body language. These are all things you need to have an awareness of. What are you feeling right in the moment you open your mouth? Where is it coming from? (control, meaning to be mean, a kind place, a helpful place, a negative place). Case in point, the pregnancy test. Your point was correct. Nothing wrong with that. Your delivery was frankly awful. All you had to say was "I thought the line was a control" and leave it at that.

- How do you take criticism? I actually take bluntness and honesty very well. Actually like people like that. Most people do not.

- The world and people dont revolve around you and your thoughts or what you think. Its largely irrelevant to people. If you want people to listen to your points, you also have to listen to theirs.

- I imagine you come across as quite negative.

All the above is changeable! But youll need to work on it.

JeffKenna

liarliarpantsonfire wrote: »

If I was proud of this I wouldn't be posting here looking for help.



Someone called me out on it so to speak over Christmas and I've been thinking about it since then. Up until then, I hadn't realised that I was unintentionally hurting peoples feelings and I'm trying to change.

Awwww you actually sound lovely OP. It's great you have the self awareness to try and change.

However being blunt about it, you're posting a message on boards about a comment someone made to you over Christmas. It's obviously upset you. just try to remember you're causing that same upset to other people with your comments.

The_Conductor

liarliarpantsonfire - while its obvious that you're finally coming to an acceptance that you can't just say things like this- honestly, it seems so deeply ingrained in you- that its hard to imagine that you're somehow going to wake up one morning and decide that from this morning onwards, you're going to turn a new leaf.

A lot of what you've described- is not just bluntness- or calling out people for telling lies- its a deliberate attempt on your part to insinuate yourself into their lives- and make mean comments- when its actually nothing whatsoever to do with you.

Being seen as a straight talker who doesn't put up with any crap- is great- being seen as a mean horrid person who goes out of their way to belittle other people and not care one iota for their feelings- is quite another thing.

I strongly suspect you're going to need external help to learn how to communicate with other people- and literally 'live' around other people- what you've described- suggests that simple everyday interactions with people- the little things you do on a daily basis- are more difficult for you than they are for other people.

Everyone has crap in their lives somewhere- if you dig around- and you have dug around in other people's lives- this is not normal- and trying to normalise it by suggesting its just you being blunt- shows a fundamental lack of understanding on your part- as to what you've actually done.

I love 'yes' and 'no' answers in a work context- and have a very low tolerance for bullcrap from anyone. I do not however go around digging into their lives and trying to call them out on what they did or didn't do- as a means of seeing how their in their current situations- or whether their current situations are what they suggest they are.

Whether people overtly state so or not- they are entitled to personal boundaries- and it is not normal or acceptable for you, or me, or anyone else- to trample over those personal boundaries- whether stated or inferred.

You seem to have no cognisance of those personal boundaries- you just don't get it- and while you can be remarkably effective in a work context- as someone who calls it as it is- and doesn't put up with any crap- playing your interpersonal interactions, alongside your social and home life, in the same manner- is a recipe for lonliness and sadness.

Its not just being diplomatic either- its having to bite your tongue- and deliberately not say anything- and consciously make an effort to not try to draw people out- its not- and it sounds like you need help recognising where you currently are- and how to interact in a semi normal manner with others- in the way you see other people get on with one another.

It is hard- it requires a conscious effort- and it means you deliberately don't say anything until you've thought about what you're proposing to say- including thinking about how what you are going to say might be perceived by the other person/people.

Dwelling on what that person said to you at Christmas- is a good start- you recognise something in what they've said- something that you've not really thought a lot about before now. Good luck with your journey of self-discovery- I hope you're happy where it leads.

Big Bag of Chips

The_Conductor wrote: »

I love 'yes' and 'no' answers in a work context- and have a very low tolerance for bullcrap from anyone. I do not however go around digging into their lives and trying to call them out on what they did or didn't do- as a means of seeing how their in their current situations- or whether their current situations are what they suggest they are.

This is a very good point. Work colleagues are just that. People I work with. I might be friendly with a lot of them but I'm not "friends" with a lot of them. And yes, I have lied to work colleagues on topics that I don't want to share with them. I have skimmed over things that I am doing/planning rather than being 100% honest because at the end of the day, its my personal business and it has no affect on anyone else's life.

Who knows why the woman told the story about the house. Maybe she was outbid? Maybe their mortgage was declined. Maybe her and her partner were having relationship trouble? Trouble conceiving? Mental/physical health problems? Maybe she was all set to go ahead with it and found out her partner had a gambling problem and amassed a huge debt? You simply don't know. And she is under no obligation to explain it to you. So when people knew she was planning to buy a house, and it didn't happen for whatever reason, she told a white lie. The white lie was irrelevant. The end result was the same. She didn't buy the house.

I think up until now you have been lucky that you haven't really hit a sore point with people. Although maybe you did at Christmas. But you honestly have no idea what is happening in other people's lives. And trust me, these days everybody has stresses and troubles. Stop and think. Nobody owes you any explanation for anything going on in their life. If somebody wants you to know they'll tell you. If they don't, they'll tell a white lie that doesn't affect you.