Dont know how to deal with her anymore

LegacyUser

Hi all, am looking for some advice

I have been with this guys for almost a decade. His sister hated me from day one. Always acted very snarky as a teenager, very disrespectful overall, not just to me, also towards her own family. It also really upsets me when during family gatherings she would get mildly told by parent to behave her standard response for about 7 years was to storm out and go to her room. It was kinda understandable when she was 16, 17, 18...you know, teens etc. Now shes 25-26. Still lives at home. Barely helps out her parents and recently whenever we go over and she wasn't told first line coming out of her mouth is "What are YOU doing here?"

Recently there was a huge fight, i told her what i thought of her acting so overly dramatic and obviously it went overboard so far that she twisted everything and made several unjust accusations as well as strongly insulted and said i was acting out a victim. Which ofc, is what she always does, deflect and blame everyone else and make others feel horrible all because we said we couldn't afford large Christmas on one salary. On Christmas day her dad poured tea for me first, then her brother and she snapped tossing down the cup because she wanted it first.....No one said a word and just continued like nothing happened. She stormed off upstairs right after. Fast forwards few days, she tells parents about the fight and entire family gets involved because "poor her".

Actually, in an entire decade, no one has even asked me face to face how i was doing, if everything was okay, even after i had a miscarriage no one asked me directly what happened, they always ask him while he didn't even go to a single docs appointment with me. S so he hadn't even had a ****ing clue and he always says that everything is great, when it couldn't be further from truth and then she comes around accusing me of playing a victim, when she also hasn't a ****ing clue of what was happening. I'm just at a loss on how to handle her and his family at this point, i can feel that there is serious tension and they just have a very low opinion of me since that fight - god only knows what she has been telling everyone. And she came around to our house like nothings wrong recently and i couldn't wait for her to be gone.

I believe that i do deserve some respect, she shouldn't come around at all since we haven't communicated since the incident. I don't want her acting civil, whatever her definition of the word is because i'm just done with letting her disrespect me and think that it is okay to do.

Am also not sure how i will go about the family reunion events and general family events in future, should i avoid them? Its just all this drama, right now in my life is very unpleasant to deal with as am struggling with so many other things including the issues in this relationship i have with her brother. So far i have been unable to even talk with her parents, while technically in some sense they are my in laws because i'm just hurt they didn't care to ask me what happened but went to him instead and asked him what happened and as always he gave them a half arsed explanation.

Mr. Incognito

They are her family not yours- of course they are going to take her side.

Concentrate on your family not hers.

It takes two people to make a fight so there's two of you in it. I'd avoid them all for a while if I was you. Easier all round.

GingerLily

Why are you focusing on her? Why are you not mad at your partner for not supporting you through your miscarriage?

It sounds like he doesn't respect you so his family don't either, I think you need to sort out your relationship and stay away from his family until you figure this out.

LegacyUser

I guess the reason im focused on her is because its this constant entity that appears to always toss more fuel into a fire whenever you let your guard down or you have a heart to heart and then when time is right, she twists it and uses your vulnerabilities against you.

As it goes for him, its only after so many conversations we've had he is starting to realise what an asshole he was and that he was not there for me and he doesn't know how to be there for people. Its upsetting to deal with stuff when he makes it seem to anyone im 110% fine, forcing me into a situation where am to pretend to everyone that im 110% fine when im not. Like talks about kids with friends, like talks about future with family and having kids, its just so overwhelming and insensitive most of the time. Or him saying that he finds other peoples kids adorable, yadi yada when he acted like he didn't want mine, and was not there at all for me or even with me during that time. So its something we are trying to work on.

Another issue i have, his family haven't a clue what he did or didn't do, so it seems like im the only one that's in the wrong because according to them hes been there whole time and i'm under the impression that they see me as the source that is pulling him away from them. Whereas over the years i have been one pushing him to get on with his family and get on with his only sibling because i dont want to be blamed for any of that on top of whatever else maybe going on.

As for my family, i have none if that makes sense, due to some circumstances it just been me and him for good few years now.

Ghekko

Just distance yourself from them altogether. Let him off to visit them. Tell him how you feel about his sister and her childish behaviour and explain that you are done putting up with her crap. You don't have to visit their house ever again if you don't want to. If they are coming to visit your partner at your house you could always organise to be out or just go off to your bedroom to read or watch tv. My inlaws would often be in a different room if I'm visiting siblings and I wouldn't think anything of it. Your relationship is with your partner. It's a shame you cannot all get along but there is no obligation on you to have a relationship with his family.

Maryg3

How long have you and your partner being together?? I know you said a decade above but exactly how long is a decade to you? I'm just curious because if you and your partner have being together for so long I would of hoped he should by now be more understanding to your feelings, insecurities etc, being with someone for a "decade" should make that person the first person you should be able to go to and talk to in regards to complicated situations, fall outs, drama, emotional trauma, and basically anything Tbh. He is your partner after all. The fact that you said ye have being together over a decade and he didn't even support you through your miscarriage is certainly a bit of a Red flag in the Relationship for me! Has he always being unsupportive to you in traumatic situations or when it comes to his family and you throughout your relationship??? Because that to me seems to be the most important thing you have to deal with and work out with him before you even start thinking about the family!!!!

The sister on the other hand forget about her she is just being a petty little sh*t Tbh. I put a post up a short while ago about my sister in law who happens to be the most horrible person I have ever come across and I had to attend a family dinner in her house which I didn't want to go to! My husband sister is a lot older then me I'm in my late 20s she is in her late 30s yet she still acts out like a teenager when it comes to everything!!

My advise is deal with the relationship and your partner first! Then make your feelings clear about his sister and when you see her let her know in your own way where you stand with her!! As for the parents let it cool down for a while and then be honest with them about the issue between you and their daughter! You will know where you stand with the parents also by their reaction. And if they don't take it well then just walk away and leave them to it for a while, I'm sure if you have being with their son for so long and they look at you like family they will get over it eventually themselves!!!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply, really appreciate everyones input!

To answer your question in short, decade = 10 years, give or take few months really.

He had been supportive at first, but then due to stress and work related stuff somehow me and everything else suddenly were forced into a backseat, a number 3 if you will, first being the job, and second being his career. It has been really tough last two years to figure out whether we can work out our relationship, and it is still uncertain, but we decided to give it a shot, just this stuff with family really, just is this additional thing that adds on stress on to our efforts i suppose. So that really, is currently work in progress, hopefully it will resolve in time.