Parents - how to tell tell the children?

howtotellthem

Hi,
I'm a regular user who has made much use of this great site over the years but am going anon for this. Hope it's ok.
I'm an up-to-now 'straight', mid-40s woman and I've fallen in love with another woman. We want to make a go of this and are at the stage of telling those close to us. Someone suggested I looked for wider advice regarding my 2 children and how best to approach it with them.
They're 8 and 10. They know my girlfriend (and like her) as a friend but that's it.
I'd love some advice from people. I'm aware there's no exact manual but I have no knowledge about the extra difficulties a same-sex relationship might present for my children. They have never seen me with anyone but would presume I'm 'straight' and I'm worried about the extra baggage (no insult intended) I'm about to present them, on top of someone new coming into their lives.
(If relevant, I've been 7 years separated from their dad who is still very much a regular, positive part of our lives.)
We live extremely rurally, with no close family around.
Thanks so much. I hope I've put things clearly and haven't offended.

As the M in an MFF relationship we were in that relationship since before the children were born. So we have been conscious of how we present the narratives of family and relationships to them from the start. So we have the advantage that we do not have to undo some of the damage we might have done by building up narratives and expectations that do not cover other relationship types.

So for that reason I can not really give you any direct advice on transitioning from the narrative they might be living now to the one that is about to become true in their lives. So any response I give you has to be a bit more general and a little less specific to my own experiences.

What I have experienced however is validated by what most researchers and counsellors seem to unanimously agree. Which is that kids are more resilient - and open to change - than adults. They are just interested more in being told the truth. And a lot - though importantly not all - of the angst and concerns we imagine they have or will have is actually us projecting our own onto them. So the goal there is to try as hard as is possible to differentiate between concerns they actually have - and ones you might be having vicariously on their behalf.

My own advice would be therefore that whatever you decide to tell them and not tell them - do so with confidence and hope and positivity. All too often when telling children things like this we fall into a mode and tone of assurances - questioning - and almost apology. And from this they can get the impression that something bad is happening and you are just checking they will be alright - or assuring them we will get through it somehow - or we are almost apologising to them for the turmoil that is about to be their lives. And we can generate angst in them in this way.

Play up the role of love in life as being where people walk a path in life and are made stronger by finding the perfect person (or people) to walk that path together with. And you have found that person. Play down without totally ignoring the role of homosexuality in this or the fact your new partner on that path happens to be a woman. Honour and respect the children's love for you and dad however. There are also age appropriate children's books around the themes here that you could obtain.

When you google and read about the subject of telling this kind of thing to children a lot of the material - such as that from Author and Psychologist Judith Snow - is about how to tell children this _during_ a split or divorce. She assures the reader that the children are way more affected by the split than the sexual orientation of the parent. But you have that part done 7 years now. So that is a positive. The children are not being hit by two things at once. You are in a good place timing wise.

Similar writers suggest that sooner is better than later in informing children of these things. Adolescent children - not only are going through sexuality changes of their own in life - but are more likely to be being exposed to anti-homosexuality rhetoric from their peers - are less in a place to deal with the transition that children your age. So again you are timing wise in a good place here.

A few writers I have read suggest children look to the straight parent as a model for how to deal with the new dynamic. So a good approach for you is to inform the dad of this fact and ensure he talks to them about it to in a positive - supportive - and happy way if possible. Seeing him deal with the transition well will convey to them more than you can say in words. He should not feel he should talk them into dealing with it well or tell them what they should think or anything like that. He should just himself demonstrate how happy and supportive he is of the new dynamic - and so indirectly model what he should then not have to say in words. Showing he is happy and supportive of the new situation will say 1000s of times more than him telling the children to be happy and supportive of it.

So in general be as truthful as you can and as positive as you can. Conveying positivity in what you tell them and how - rather than telling them what to feel or think. Think of not just what to say but how. Sentences like "Mammy is going to be happier and stronger and so this family and everyone else will end up happier and stronger" is better than "You should feel happy and more secure". Demonstrate in word and deed and emotion how you feel and what you expect to come of that rather than sentence structures of "You should feel" telling them what to think or feel. Convey rather than dictate.

Children also feel security in routine and consistency in life. Structure. Try and observe yourself what routines and consistencies your children draw security and strength from. Ensure through this process of change that you do your best not to upset those. Try to maintain as much normality as possible where doing so does not compromise anything else too much. I have certainly noticed any big changes or turmoil in life in our house causes the children to fall back on the structures and routines they are used to - to have a feeling of security and consistency in their lives to combat the feelings of the opposite the period of change causes.

And remember that children more than anything need to feel secure and loved. So ensure that you convey both in what you say and do. Let them know that this change is a positive for everyone. Tell them how the initial splitting up was difficult and turmoil and a hard patch in life to get through - but things have gotten steadily better and stronger and happier since then. And now mammy has found someone she loves who makes her happy and that means she herself will be happier and stronger in life and this will make things stronger happier and more secure for the whole family. Give an overall impression of positivity and progress. Acknowledge - as they probably already have themselves - how the past was hard and turmoil - but also how things have been getting steadily better and more positive - and you expect that to continue. Rather than make massive promises and assurances - some of which you might not keep but you make in the moment to try and placate them as we sometimes do with children - instead appeal to positive trends of things getting better and simply imply or show that you expect those trends to continue. No massive promises about improvements in the future where instead you can simply convey that positives in the moment will also be ongoing.

And in yourself do not be apologetic. Aside from the loud voices of a vocal few it simply is not true what many people spew about the effects of same sex parenting dynamics on children. You will be told by a judgemental minority that children "need" a "male model" and "female model" in the direct family unit and that somehow they will be disenfranchised if this is not so. There simply is no facts or studies to back up that nonsense. Quite the opposite as children brought up by two women seem at least to do as well but often much better than children in other structures even the traditional one. You might also hear that children in same sex parenting will be more prone to bullying. And this is also not so. You are worrying about the "baggage" you are about to put on the children. So explore what you think that baggage is. List it out on paper for yourself if you have to. And then by yourself - or on this thread - go through that list and work out if any of that baggage is real or just imagined. Real or just falsehoods like "male models" and "Bullying" that people think are an issue but are patently not.

But above all be happy and loved and loving and positive. Because when that happens the rest tends to work much of itself out in the wash in the long term. You can speak 1000 or 100,000 words about all this with the children - and you should - but ultimately what will affect them most is what they themselves see and observe.

howtotellthem

Thanks so much for your touching, well-thought out reply. It's greatly appreciated. You are right that I might well give them angst that might not be there. Your words are reassuring about my own feelings about this relationship being a greatly positive thing for my children. I will try to convey this to them.
The 'extra baggage' I mentioned is in relation to the very rural, catholic, straight community we live in. We are already somewhat different, being blow-ins with some different ideas on life and I've already seen some exclusion of my children. However, I hear you. The 'different' choices I've made for my children up to now have only added to their lives. I'll keep this in mind. Thanks so much.