Awkward question

skearnsot

Hi. I’m with my husband almost 20 years with 3 children - 2 have special needs. He also suffers with depression.
It’s a single income household & I work what feels like constantly.
However Iv had enough of his moods, his anger tantrums, his selfish behaviour and his self obsession. Not to mention his addiction to social media.
Sex is a no go & there are no others involved in either side.
He has free reign over money I earn & to be fair once he’s looked after himself with his disability allowance he gives what he can to whatever needs paying.
I do all the school dentist doctor and hospital runs because he “can’t cope” with them & he refused & refuses point blank to engage in couples counselling or marriage counselling
I want out and I don’t know where to start - all ideas accepted please

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Mr. Incognito

I'm sorry but you have 4 dependents it seems.

3 children and a depressed husband

Depression is pretty bad but when it is used as a blanket excuse it is not acceptable.

How are you going to work and care for 2 disabled children?

I think you will have to sit down with your husband and come to some arrangment where you are both free to date other people or make other adjustments in your life becuase you cannot continue like this.

Bradley in Texas

Are your kids in school? Assuming they are, is there someone to look after them after school? Do you have any family who might be able to assist you with your kids (watching them)?
Can you make it on just your earnings from your job? Have you checked into housing prices? I'd say you definitely need to do a little research to find out realistically how much being apart would cost you and can you afford it? Be brutally honest with yourself about costs.
Are there any solicitors that will work with you either pro bono or close to it? You might want to know your legal rights ahead of time. Good luck.

WIZWEB

OP I can completely understand you wanting out. Finding a compromise will be virtually impossible after all those years of enabling his toxic behaviours. His illness is being used as an excuse to maintain the status quo. A situation that obviously really suits him. Many people with his diagnosis lead normal lives with normal responsibilities. Peaks and troughs in moods are expected but a permanent incapacity appears disingenuous. He's allowed work P/T on a disability allowance but I'd guess he finds excuses to avoid that responsibility too. He appears to offer no benefit to your or the children's lives. Of course I agree that he should be offered the opportunity to engage with them after separating. For their benefit more than his. Prepare for heavy emotional manipulations there to take him back.

You're not his carer. He's an adult and responsible for his own actions excuses aside. His illness is his to deal with as bad as that sounds. You know the only way to escape his manipulations. You have a right to a happy life. He is only interested in meeting his own needs. That's his engrained personality not part of his diagnosis.

Can anyone in the extended family help with childcare after you leave? Definitely seek counselling alone to find yourself again. As your mind clears from the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) you'll find many solutions. Take legal advice too.

shesty

I'm sorry I don't have much to add OP, but you can't keep going like that.It will catch up with you eventually.I hope you get help for the good of you and your kids.