A mess of a situation

newboard

My child's mother became pregnant just as she was going into med school as a mature student. She decided to continue with the course, through which I supported her financially - I was starting up my own business at the time.

I was giving around €1000/month which was going towards childcare, cash in hand for her, various other bits and pieces, as well as having my daughter 2-3 nights a week myself.

Even though we weren't together we were still friends and over time I grew a lot of feelings for her, but money was always an issue. It was my feelings for her that let me get sucked in so much. I've read about gaslighting and I think it fits well - she constantly put pressure on me and belittled me for how much I was earning. She convinced me that I was a loser, that I wasn't good enough, that I needed to be giving more money etc etc. We were physically intimate a couple of times. At one point I told her I loved her, and she left me hanging for a year until I had to demand to know what she wanted.

Money was always a problem. When money arguments happened, she refused to be transparent about how much money it took to raise our daughter - I wanted to know what was fair so that I'd know that she wouldn't be able to accuse me of falling short, but she outright refused to give me a number, and she refused to go to counselling or mediation.

The problem was I couldn't actually afford to give what I was giving. I was and am self employed, and because I had money there in my account I let myself get sucked into owing a large amount of income tax - it was so stupid to do, but in my melted head I was convinced that it's just what I had to do, to support my daughter and her mother and that things would work out in the end. Meanwhile she was taking out loans to buy herself a new car, buying new laptops, phones, going on holidays etc. She also told me that one of the reasons she used to spend time with me and my daughter at the weekends was to get more money.

Looking back I was an absolute idiot. Eventually of course the sh!t hit the fan with revenue, and the full picture of my situation was clear. I'm financially very much compromised (for now), while she is now a qualified doctor earning a great living.

Thankfully she is saying that she'll cover our daughter's expenses for now, but makes a point of hitting home the fact that "I'm not supporting my daughter".

The reason I'm posting is because I want to plan ahead and give myself the best chance of getting out of this situation as best I can and primarily I want to get a mortgage. I have a payment plan in place with revenue, and my business is doing well enough and slowly growing, so I'm hopeful things will be much better for me in a couple of years.

I'm not sure who to talk to about this stuff though because there are a lot of factors involved - I went to MABS but they said they can't really help. I'm not sure about talking to a mortgage broker because I don't know if they'd be interested in talking to someone who won't be buying for years to come. I don't know if I should talk to a financial advisor because they usually deal with people with money to invest, etc.

I'm not seeking financial advice here because it's probably against the charter, but I'm just seeking advice on who I should talk to or what my next move should be.

It's been a very tough few years, but I don't want it to beat me. Thanks for reading.

Professor Moriarty

newboard wrote: »

<Snip> Do not quote the entire post.

Consult a solicitor.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Your in a hard place and she is in a better place. and its hitting you hard. but back to cold reality for a moment.

1st up - making a baby takes two.

2nd she didn't hold a gun to your head. You made decisions too. Reckless financial ones it would appear. Under pressure, but your an adult and have to own that responsibility. It wasn't 'her fault', or the babies.

3rd. it costs more than €250 a week to raise and child and pay for childcare. So she wasn't living life like a princess, and had to make sacrifices too. To be a single mum and manage her studies to is a fantastic achievement. Really it would have stopped most people.

Im making these points because you appear bitter as to how things have played out. And if you hold onto that it will affect your relationship with mum and daughter. You need to consciously address that mindset.

Its great that your business is solid and has a future. Sure its a setback you have had but going forward you have a bright future. Id think your main issue appears to be the negative thoughts and resentment you harbour.

SusieBlue

I disagree, while in hindsight he shouldn't have balked under the pressure she put him under, demanding circa 1k a month in maintenance for 1 child is absolutely insane.

It wasn't his problem that she was going back to college, I don't agree it was a massive sacrifice for her because she was completely supported financially by the OP.
I presume she was also receiving the children's allowance payment and possibly back to education allowance on top of what OP was paying her. We could all go back to college if we had someone else picking up the tab for living expenses!

If you had gone to court there is no way you would have been ordered to pay that much maintenance.
To be honest she sounds really nasty and manipulative and I don't blame you for feeling bitter.
I would definitely speak to a solicitor about getting an official maintenance agreement put in place - that doesn't mean you need to stop or cut down on buying things (toys, clothes, trips away) or activities for your daughter but it does mean that the amount of actual cash you give her mother is regulated and fair.
She sounds like a wagon.

newboard

Hi folks thanks for the replies

Xterminator wrote: »

2nd she didn't hold a gun to your head. You made decisions too. Reckless financial ones it would appear. Under pressure, but your an adult and have to own that responsibility. It wasn't 'her fault', or the babies.

It was reckless of me for sure. My head was a mess, I wasn't on top of things at all financially and didn't quite realise how bad things were getting. I was desperate to keep things good between myself and her - it went from being worried she'd stop me from seeing my child, to wanting to just get through the tough years.

She feigned a deeper friendship and I fell for it. She cited false legal standards to justify the amounts she was demanding. She would not talk to me about any of it, wouldn't go to mediation, counselling etc. I didn't want to push things at risk of ruining the relationship we did have - again I just felt that it was just what had to be done and handed over what I could, and I never took a step back to do a cold analysis of everything out of fear of it all crumbling down.

It's not her fault that my finances are screwed, I handed over all that money of my own free will. However there was a very conscious level of manipulation and strategy on her part that much pushed that along. e.g I have screenshots of texts from her saying she pretended to be friends more than she wanted to be so that I'd give her more money. In terms of our relationship, the ball is in her court. I want nothing to do with her. If she came clean, apologised etc then maybe things could be better. She's admitted that she has issues and that she needs counselling so that was at least good to hear. But it's still a long way off. That's not to say I don't need counselling and healing too, I'm far from perfect and I often find myself thinking about how I could have done things better or handled various situations differently.

In terms of my child, of course none of this is their fault, and we have a fantastic relationship. And the one good thing about all of this is that regardless of what happens to me, my child's financial future is more secure now that she's qualified.

3rd. it costs more than €250 a week to raise and child and pay for childcare. So she wasn't living life like a princess, and had to make sacrifices too. To be a single mum and manage her studies to is a fantastic achievement. Really it would have stopped most people.

She didn't (and still doesn't) see our child very much, her parents who she lives with do most of the heavy lifting.

It was her choice to enter into a long degree. She could have walked into a well paid job but she wanted to follow her dream career. If she was working then the finances would have been more cut and dry as there'd be a level of equality there to allow things to be more transparent.

beefburrito

A single father isn't under any obligation to look after the lifestyle or financial woes of his exe.

If you weren't married you owe her absolutely nothing, not a cent, nothing.

It's the duty of a father to maintain his kid and not the mother.

Most judges suggest around 50 Euro and you'll be means tested down to even the price of a daily paper.

My exe was taking way too much off me, the judge found out she was earning twice my salary, he ordered her to pay me back half.

She kicked up in the courtroom with the judge and behaved like a madam, thankfully the judge was a week away from retirement and maybe he in his heart said, feck this, this man is being rail roaded...

So he took my side slashed the maintenance in half, and ordered her to back pay me....

Happy days

Xterminator

Hi OP

It sounds like you should apply to family court for a formal agreement that sets maintenance and access etc.without delay. If she is manipulative there is no excuse not to have a formal legal agreement in place. The courts do take into account what you can afford, and offer some protection for someone in your position. you could use a court ordered maintenance level to protect yourself from unreasonable demands in the future.

My original advice may sound harsh in light of the extra information you have provided. The child's mother sounds like a piece of work, but remains your child's mother. A civil relationship is the minimum you should maintain, regardless of your personal feelings.

Holding onto bitterness will do you no good in the long run. And it is a long term view you need to take.

woodchuck

Two things are obvious here:
- Your ex is a wagon
- You made reckless financial decisions

However, that doesn't mean you just decide to stop paying for your daughter entirely now.

The person you should really be talking to though is a solicitor.

dellas1979

Sounds like youre not married.

Shouldnt you go down the legal route and have something in writing of how much you should pay and who has guardianship?

Have you a way to show how much youve been paying (bank statements?).