Friend upset with mam's marriage

LegacyUser

Hi all

My friends mam is getting married in June and since the engagement last year my friend has been in a bit of a spiral. I'm worried that its having too much of an impact on other aspects of her life now, as the wedding comes closer and closer.

Her mam and dad were never together but she's really close to her dad, and both parents get along fine, have joint dinners for her birthday etc. Her mam married a man when my friend was a child, had 2 kids, then divorced. It's a bit strained but the two girls see the dad regularly, no major issues.

Her mam is engaged to her boyfriend she's been with 5 years now, he's lovely, my friend gets along really well with him, spent Christmases together, they do separate things together without the mam, go to cinema etc. She does not seem to be angry with him or even mention him at all in this whole wedding thing but she is just livid with her mam. Some things that have happened are

- Mam sent email with engagement ring and friend replied saying 'well it wouldn't be what i'd choose' and 'not like you haven't had a ring before'. No congratulations or anything like that.
- Major upset and tears/anger when she was not chosen as maid of honour (we're both Irish living abroad, mam chose her own cousin as they live close)
- Despite this does not want to be bridesmaid, says the bridesmaids dresses are horrible (they're lovely)
- Says she 'doesn't understand' why mam needs a hen night, why she needs a white dress, why they are having a church wedding, why they're spending money, why this why that..
- Doesn't see a reason to go to hen night, doesn't want to know about the options for wedding dress etc. 'they all look the same' 'who cares about flowers'
- Wedding on a Saturday, she has booked flight home for friday night, and flight back here for Sunday morning.. this will all involve travelling a distance from the wedding to Dublin airport as well.

She has not been focused on work or life in general since the engagement but it's reaching a head now. She is in bed a lot, doesn't come on many outings with the group anymore, is generally a lot more irritable and snappy not just with our immediate friend group but also with acquaintances and strangers which has caused a few embarrassing moments for some of us. Her eating habits have changed and hygiene is honestly very very bad some weeks in terms of showering and teeth. I have tried to talk to her (gently) but no avail, she just gets riled up about how 'stupid' the whole thing is. She has also made comments that she won't be welcome in the mams house anymore, there will be no room, 'Must be nice for her to have her family now' etc.

I'm afraid that this post makes it look like I'm sticking my nose in a bit too much but I am worried about her, and other people we know have made comments about how they're getting fed up with her. I don't want her to be isolated or isolate herself from everyone but she's very stubborn and if she thinks she's right there's little that will convince her otherwise.

Is there anything I can say or do here, or do I keep out of it? Thanks.

uck51js9zml2yt

Tell her she needs to grow up and stop behaving like a spoilt brat.
Her mam is not answerable to her for anything she does and if she doesn't like it just say nothing and don't go to the wedding.

How old is your friend?

The Princess Bride

Until I read the following, I'd have thought your friend was merely attention seeking.

wanttohelpmyfriend wrote: »

She has not been focused on work or life in general since the engagement but it's reaching a head now. She is in bed a lot, doesn't come on many outings with the group anymore, is generally a lot more irritable and snappy not just with our immediate friend group but also with acquaintances and strangers which has caused a few embarrassing moments for some of us. Her eating habits have changed and hygiene is honestly very very bad some weeks in terms of showering and teeth.

Is it possible she might have reactive depression?
Sounds like she's had quite an eventful life.
Although she's had positive relationships with her dad and her mother's previous and current partner, that's still a lot of family dynamics going on.

The only recommendation from me would be for her to talk to either her GP or a counsellor.
Her family and friends are probably too close to her to give a neutral opinion.

Batgurl

Honestly? It sounds like your friend is jealous and lashing out.

If she’s single and she’s watching someone as close as her mam get everything SHE wants, it sounds like green eyed monster.

And because it’s her mam and she clearly doesn’t know how to handle her emotions, she’s regressed to a teenage level of petulance.

There’s nothing you can/should do really as it’s not your place to get involved. If you want you can have stern words with her and tell her to cop on but it’s really for her mam to do that.

Whatever you do though, don’t facilitate her by agreeing with her. If she tries to have a moan to you, cut her off and change the subject. Don’t engage with the topic if the conversation goes that way. She’ll get the message.

Ursus Horribilis

I have a friend whose father remarried a few years ago. She became really angry at him around the time of the wedding and only figured out why some time later. It was because she no longer had a "home" to go to. It didn't really matter that she'd long since left the family home and was living elsewhere. Nor that her father had been more or less living with his new wife for years. The marriage put a stamp of finality on things.

It looks like your friend's suffering from more than an attack of amateur dramatics though. When someone starts neglecting their personal hygiene and isolating themselves like that, it suggests she might need to get checked out by a GP. Getting her to go is a completely different ball game though..

368100

Sounds like jealousy to me. She should appreciate having family that all get on with each other. She doesnt sound like a terribly nice person going on her reaction

rainbowtrout

Your friend just sounds like a jealous spoilt brat who needs to be told a few home truths. If it had been the other way around and you were posting that she was getting married and her mother had reacted the way your friend had, the advice would be to tell the mother to stop sticking her oar in.

From what you've said she's had no issue with this guy over the last 5 years. She really needs to be told to cop on.

December2012

I dunno. The rest of her life is so affected maybe it's something else. It could be a symptom of her behaviour and not a cause

qwerty13

That sounds an extreme reaction. Is there any chance that she fancies her mother’s BF?

Skedaddle

It’s an age old problem of adult offspring thinking that they own “mammy” and “daddy” and being insulted by a new relationship.

If you think about it, fairytales are full of “wicked stepmothers”.

This isn’t unusual - your friend however needs to step back from it and get some perspective and realise she’s a grown up with her own life and let her folks get on with theirs.

Ave Sodalis

We can all make guesses and hmmm and haw about it, but only she can tell you why she's so against it. She's talking about not having a home to go to, and she won't be welcome. Is there something that sparked those comments that she hasn't told anyone about?

Mr. Incognito

I cannot believe no-one has picked up on this.

Mother met this girls father- never together.

Mother married- that was this girls surrogate father- They divorced.

This girl has been abondoned twice by her father and her step father. I can see how she would be anxious at her mother getting remarried and would have concerns that a third abondonment is on the way.

She obviously needs some Counselling.

Meauldsegosha

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I cannot believe no-one has picked up on this.

Mother met this girls father- never together.

Mother married- that was this girls surrogate father- They divorced.

This girl has been abondoned twice by her father and her step father. I can see how she would be anxious at her mother getting remarried and would have concerns that a third abondonment is on the way.

She obviously needs some Counselling.

She hasn't been abondoned by her father. The OP states she is close to her father.

wanttohelpmyfriend wrote: »

Her mam and dad were never together but she's really close to her dad, and both parents get along fine, have joint dinners for her birthday etc.

joeguevara

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I cannot believe no-one has picked up on this.

Mother met this girls father- never together.

Mother married- that was this girls surrogate father- They divorced.

This girl has been abondoned twice by her father and her step father. I can see how she would be anxious at her mother getting remarried and would have concerns that a third abondonment is on the way.

She obviously needs some Counselling.

Friend is very close with her natural father and is also very close with her soon to be step father and do things together.

It appears to be not connected with the men. She may be jealous of her mother having two big days when she mightn’t have had any. The bit about not being maid of honor smacks of jealousy.

No one knows how they will react if they see their mother getting married to someone who is not their fath34. But the mother is happy and her boyfriend teaches her daughter well. She should be happy. But maybe something else has happened that op doesn’t know. Maybe something completely separat3. Ask her does she want to talk or does she need help. But if it is just the above tell her it is not right and that she has a lot to be thankful for.

inca2

I think your friend is suffering from depression. It’s so much more than being jealous or childish or selfish. Gently suggest that she speak with someone (ideally a counsellor) because her behaviours are quite self-destructive and when she is well again, she may have regrets.

I think a previous poster was really on to something with the mention of abandonment. While she maintains a relationship with her father and stepfather, it is not the same and may interpret their failed relationships with her mother as her being abandoned. Now that her mother is remarrying and she is in a similar position as before, some of these feelings may be resurfacing. She needs help, not admonishment.

orthsquel

Clearly your friend is upset based on the behaviour at the end of the post and something is clearly amiss.

You may have to sit her down and air your concerns about her behaviour in a non confrontational way and offer to be of support to her, in getting help for herself.

I'd take the abandonment suggested and raise it - maybe she is feeling excluded, unwanted and abandoned by her mother.

You said she never mentions her mother's boyfriend, soon to be husband. They have been together 5 years. Do you know what their relationship was like before the announcement, did she talk of him often and in positive or negative ways, did they get on? I'd feel it was a red flag that she's not saying anything about him, but everything about her mother, that could be mis directed anger.

Whatever about the why she is unhappy and in a negative place, the why isn't really important to her immediate behaviour, it could stem from something else or maybe the weight of an accumulation of things (even for example, the mother being successful in relationships and her not feeling the same about her own) that can be discussed in counselling. I think the important step may be about talking to your friend about noticing change in behaviour and being there for her and encouraging her to start talking about it so can have help in dealing with it, even if she is stubborn, it may take a few offers to bring her round.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone thank you for so many replies.

Unfortunately before I had a chance to have a quiet word someone else in our wider social circle beat me to it, and did it much more bluntly than I would have. Basically 'pull yourself together you're a mess' type of thing and suggested she 'wash her hair and face' etc.

Anyway it has not made my friend see any type of sense and now it is just 'I know I'm ugly people don't need to tell me' (she's really not) and she is being snappy and rude to the point where I am, as coyly as possible, trying to be 'busy' in the evenings. I'm honestly not in the best mood with her right now so I'm sorry if my post sounds mean or cruel.

Since all of this has happened I did suggest a visit to a doctor or a therapist but I got 'oh so there's something wrong with me?' 'you think I have issues?'. I said no, I think you are not in a good place and maybe you don't even understand why you feel like this so a doctor could help you with that.

I'm inclined to leave her off because this has been ongoing for months now and I am tired. It has taken away so many of my evenings and weekends and free time, and there have been a lot of things I've missed in favour of staying in the house with her (and then she'd lie in bed and I'd sit alone in the kitchen). She has also ruined/dampened nights out and events with her irritability towards everyone and people are just starting to leave her out of invites now. But deep down I know this is not the real her so I do feel horrible for distancing myself.

Reading over this I sound very me,me,me but I am just feeling cross with her today. I am extremely independent and I don't appreciate the vibe she brings to the house, work, and social things. I feel like I have tried my best to be a good friend - is it ignorant/naive to say she will have to snap out of this herself? I know someone asked her age, she is 24. I am 22 and the rest of our general circle is 26+ so a bit older.

miamee

There's nothing wrong with you needing to take a break OP, it sounds like a very trying situation. Maybe after some time to yourself away fron her you can come back with a fresh idea about how to approach the subject with her. She sounds deeply unhappy and definitely in need of some sort of help.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't blame you for wanting to pull back. You're not her mammy or her minder and you've got your own life to live. If you feel you need to do something, you could try contacting her mother and explaining your concerns to her. Then leave it at that. She sounds like she needs professional help but she's not your responsibility. You've tried and as you can see it's not helping.