Could you handle this?

LegacyUser

Hi guys, just looking for other perspectives on a new situation! I met a fantastic guy 2 months ago and were getting on great. We're both in our mid thirties and both single parents. He has 1 small girl and his relationship ended over a year ago.

So here's my dilemma, he's still there emotionally for the mother of his child. She went through a traumatic experience 2 weeks ago and ever since he's been bending over backwards to be there for her. I find it admirable that he is there for her and he's been 100% honest about the support he's providing however due to the newness of us I feel it may be too much too soon for me to handle. I don't want to know her business as I feel it's very personal to her and I wouldn't want a stranger to know my business. Fyi it's not an issue with their daughter it's her own issues and o think she's in a new relationship too.

I personally wouldn't turn to my daughter's father as I have great family and friends network and I don't think it's be appropriate for me to burden my ex with any issues in my life. He hasn't been able to see me this week due to this.

I don't know what advice I'm looking for but other perspective s would be great. Please be kind!!

Pohappiness

rainbowssunandflowers wrote: »

<Snip> Do not quote the entire post. Especially when it's immediately preceding your reply

I’d say that if it was me I would not tolerate being third best!! His kid being first. Then his ex!!! I think you are on to something and I would be too!! I wouldn’t be keen to run after an ex, not unless I still had strong feelings. It’s weird and I’d keep an eye out with a finger on the trigger(hypothetically of course)

Jasper_

Let it play out a bit longer. Maybe this is a once off "drop everything for her" scenario. If its a recurring trend then have a sit down with him about it and express your concerns.

evolving_doors

Trauma?
That could range from a near miss in traffic to terminal cancer.
Either way, its the mother of his daughter so maybe he's thinking of the daughter's future circumstances.

Big Bag of Chips

It would be something that I'd let run for a little while and see how it goes/how long it goes on for. Yes, his daughter should absolutely be a priority. But his ex shouldn't be that much of a priority. Does she know he's in a new relationship? Did the timing of her crisis coincide with him being less available because he was meeting up with you?

It genuinely could be a very real reason. It could also be her marking her territory. You'll only know by waiting and seeing. At the same time its only been two months, so if things don't improve from your perspective soon I'd be cutting my loses and saying goodbye. This early on, to me this is a significant indicator of what's to come. Will you ever be able to make plans without a crisis popping up to get in the way. Maybe he's not yet in a position to pursue a new relationship.

It's too early to say at this stage. But be wary.

Xterminator

what you would find normal and what he finds normal can differ, especially when you circumstances differ greatly.

I personally wouldn't turn to my daughter's father as I have great family and friends network and I don't think it's be appropriate for me to burden my ex with any issues in my life. He hasn't been able to see me this week due to this.

you do realise he cant just abandon his daughters mother to a bad relationship because his daughter lives there! He is invested and will be for the next decade at least. now if you cant handle that - now's the time to realise it and move on.

But if he treats you right and has his heart in the right place, and you trust him, then for me i would try to be more understanding. Perhaps your insecurities are as much the issue here as his relationship with the ex?

sydthebeat

This is Ireland.
If he wants to have a healthy happy future with his daughter he simply HAS to keep his ex sweet or she can make a world of trouble for him. We don't know her personal circumstances so we don't know if he is her only familial support. He will have to have a relationship with his ex for the rest of his life due to their parenting the daughter. I can fully understand why he'd want that to be healthy relationship.

You haven't been seeing each other that long yet. Personally I'd give it more time until you find out for yourself where he views his future.

neonsofa

sydthebeat wrote: »

This is Ireland.
If he wants to have a healthy happy future with his daughter he simply HAS to keep his ex sweet or she can make a world of trouble for him. We don't know her personal circumstances so we don't know if he is her only familial support. He will have to have a relationship with his ex for the rest of his life due to their parenting the daughter. I can fully understand why he'd want that to be healthy relationship.

I can understand where you're coming from and it's an awful situation where fathers don't have equal say in their child's life, especially if they feel they have to pander to the other parent in order to maintain a relationship with the child but it's that very attitude of "keeping the ex sweet" and not rocking the boat that will lead to the ex having complete control over every aspect of the guys life including his relationship with the op.

A healthy relationship between parents should absolutely be encouraged for the sake of the child,but not one where one parents is at the beck and call of the other out of fear of losing access to their child. That's not a healthy relationship,it's manipulation.

Not saying that the above is what's happening in this case,I just know from bitter experience that that kind of thinking can cause absolute misery for all involved,and technically it's him trying to keep the peace and do right by his child but actually all it does is cause toxicity and award even more power to the other parent, because let's face it, any parent who wants best for their child would not cause a "world of trouble" fot the father if not "kept sweet". It is manipulative people who do things like that,and constantly pandering to their manipulation is a losing game.

If the ex in this case is not that kind of person and this is a genuine situation then keeping her sweet isn't needed and this should be viewed as a genuine friendship/coparenting relationship rather than a strategy. If the ex is that kind of person then op should just walk away now.

osarusan

Wait and see if it was just a once-off situation and it passes.

If there seem to be repeated, engineered, situations that require him to be emotionally there for her, you have a problem.

This isn't just an ex though, it is an ex who is the mother of his child, so there will always need to be some level of contact, and some level of 'being there'.

woodchuck

What kind of traumatic experience are we talking about here? If it's something really serious like the death of a parent, then I think it's understandable.

However if it's something a bit more mundane (e.g. trouble with work), then I'd assume it'll end up being a repeat occurrence that he'll continue to pander to her needs. Personally that's not someone I'd want to get involved with as you may feel you're always competing with another woman for his time.

LegacyUser

Op here no it's not death related or anything terminal or disease I suppose it would be the equivalent of work issues.

It just seems so much too soon considering we don't get to spend alot of time with each other.

LegacyUser

I am very close to my ex. He is always there for me when I need him and I'm always there when he needs me. Even though we are not together any more we had a child together and therefore we are and always will be family. I'm very lucky to be in a relationship like that with my child's father and would fully support a new partner who acted the same way.

leggo

I've been through similar. I had an ex whose baby daddy heard about us and immediately re-inserted himself into her and the kid's life. Tried it and put up with a lot, gave them every chance to sort it out and make the situation work, but it felt like the more leeway I gave, the more I was asked to put up with. You should but you don't get thanked for that stuff, what happens in real life is they respect you less for not putting them in their place. But then if you did try draw a line, you'd still be the bad guy. What they're communicating through this behaviour, sadly, is that they don't respect their current relationship as much as the one with their ex.

You have to judge the person in front of you right now, not who you want them to be. It's his responsibility to have his life in order to allow a relationship to work, not yours to wait around for him to do so. His life changed when he broke up with his ex and he needs to accept that and adjust, it's totally unfair for him to ask someone to wait around while he's there for her and not able to see you a lot.

All I'll say is that if I was in the situation again, instead of waiting around and watching the situation get worse, I'd have broken up with the girl with one eye on giving it another chance if they sorted their **** out. Putting up with it got me nowhere and I don't regret the relationship ending one bit in hindsight.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Maryg3

Op I think you need to step back and look at the bigger picture before things get deeper in the relationship!!

If he is 100% supportive to his child that is brilliant it means he is a good parent that steps up to the mark regardless of his relationship ending with his partner!! But does that mean that he has to be involved emotionally too much with his ex's own problems? No it doesn't. If he is supporting his child financially and in every other way as a parent should then that's it simple as, that should be where it ends on the line between him and his ex, why does he need to be a shoulder to cry on with every other thing?? You don't run to your ex I presume if you have a bad day or if your cars tyre deflated? Does he really need to be involved in her personal dilemmas that don't involve the childs wellbeing? Not necessarily in my opinion!!!

This relationship is new so see how it pans out but I wouldnt go jumping in too deep or too quick, because in my eyes and this has nothing to do with the child it has to do with him and his ex, I don't think you really sound like you want to be the third party here that's not only taking on him but his baggage ie. His ex and her own personal self problems!!!

Augme

Maryg3 wrote: »

Op I think you need to step back and look at the bigger picture before things get deeper in the relationship!!

If he is 100% supportive to his child that is brilliant it means he is a good parent that steps up to the mark regardless of his relationship ending with his partner!! But does that mean that he has to be involved emotionally too much with his ex's own problems? No it doesn't. If he is supporting his child financially and in every other way as a parent should then that's it simple as, that should be where it ends on the line between him and his ex, why does he need to be a shoulder to cry on with every other thing??

The mother behaviour will have an impact on their daughter. He could be thinking that if he helps the mother through this it was make life easier for his daughter and the sooner the Mother solves/gets through whatever issue she has then it will be better for the daughter.


Best thing to do OP is to see how it plays out. I wouldn't necessarily mention it to him or complain.