Texting his Ex.

Curlybearhead

Looking for some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years. In January this year his ex girlfriend started messaging him. I didn't think much of it at the time as she lives in America. The messages became more frequent and then he tells me that she is coming to Dublin in March and wants to meet up with him. Now to be fair to my bf he was honest with me and told me about her wanting to meet. I said ok to the meeting but as long as I could go too. We met her in a pub for a drink, it was all very awkward as she was very flirty with him right in front of me. Since the meeting she is texting him every day and hasn't gone back to america yet. He is replying to her texts, some of them are very personal. I've asked him to stop texting her as it is upsetting me but he hasn't. Unfortunately, After a few too many wines last night I messaged his ex and asked her to stop texting him. Of course she told him what I said (i told him myself this morning) and now he is pissed off at me. Am I being completely unreasonable in not wanting him to text her? I'm driving myself crazy over this, not sleeping, feel sick to my stomach. Tried telling him how its all messing with my head but he doesn't seem to get it. Feel like im going crazy and becoming a psycho girlfriend. He has friends who are girls that he texts but this is differnt. Any advice ?

Batgurl

You don’t say why he wants to keep in communication with her. Have you asked him?

Pohappiness

Curlybearhead wrote: »

Looking for some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years. In January this year his ex girlfriend started messaging him. I didn't think much of it at the time as she lives in America. The messages became more frequent and then he tells me that she is coming to Dublin in March and wants to meet up with him. Now to be fair to my bf he was honest with me and told me about her wanting to meet. I said ok to the meeting but as long as I could go too. We met her in a pub for a drink, it was all very awkward as she was very flirty with him right in front of me. Since the meeting she is texting him every day and hasn't gone back to america yet. He is replying to her texts, some of them are very personal. I've asked him to stop texting her as it is upsetting me but he hasn't. Unfortunately, After a few too many wines last night I messaged his ex and asked her to stop texting him. Of course she told him what I said (i told him myself this morning) and now he is pissed off at me. Am I being completely unreasonable in not wanting him to text her? I'm driving myself crazy over this, not sleeping, feel sick to my stomach. Tried telling him how its all messing with my head but he doesn't seem to get it. Feel like im going crazy and becoming a psycho girlfriend. He has friends who are girls that he texts but this is differnt. Any advice ?

We all have moments of insecurities but you should never have messaged his ex. At the same time after 6 years I’d be pissed if my partner was messaging everyday with her ex but also staying cool if possible. I don’t entertain messages from exes that far in the past for this reason.. It make it clear should you meet her again you will apologize, and just try not appear needy it’s a major turn off.. I’m saying that looking back at my own actions. be cool. Exercise but also listen to your gut in times of hardship.. good luck

Big Bag of Chips

You need to sit down and talk with him. Ask him what he thought of her behaviour the night you met up. Ask him he felt it was ok. Ask him how he would feel if he was sitting beside you and one of your exes was behaving the same towards you? I don't think you should apologise for contacting her. To be fair he's the one that should be drawing boundaries, but if he's not going to then I think you were right. You probably wouldn't have done it sober, but so what?

Don't apologise. Of both of you, your behaviour is least wrong and least disrespectful to your relationship. But now it's an easy deflection to latch on to instead of focusing on the actual problem.

Katgurl

I'm with bboc here. It's a shame you ended up messaging her drunk but you were in an untenable situation.

I echo the sit down and talk to him suggestion. Why doesn't he care that they have caused and are continuing to cause you upset? Can you elaborate on the flirty behavior?

I wouldn't apologise anymore frankly.

suicide_circus

You're right, he's wrong.

Simple as that.

When he's with someone 6 years he can't be off texting some fluzie who still has the hots for him. He needs to be single to do that.

Pohappiness

Katgurl wrote: »

I'm with bboc here. It's a shame you ended up messaging her drunk but you were in an untenable situation.

I echo the sit down and talk to him suggestion. Why doesn't he care that they have caused and are continuing to cause you upset? Can you elaborate on the flirty behavior?

I wouldn't apologise anymore frankly.

That he could use against her. It’s basic principles that if you do wrong you make yourself appear the better person and therefore can not have if thrown in your face. It’s basic dignity yourself bboc seem to be lacking in. It shows strength to admit when you are wrong. Ps I am a personal advisor with 20 years of experience dealing with highl caliber clients. What do I know!

Curlybearhead

Pohappiness wrote: »

That he could use against her. It’s basic principles that if you do wrong you make yourself appear the better person and therefore can not have if thrown in your face. It’s basic dignity yourself bboc seem to be lacking in. It shows strength to admit when you are wrong. Ps I am a personal advisor with 20 years of experience dealing with highl caliber clients. What do I know!

Thanks for the advice, i don't have anyone to talk to about this so appreciate an outsiders view. I did apologise to him for texting his ex behind his back. In the sober light of day I realised what I did was a bad idea and I owned up to it and apologised. But He's still annoyed and not talking to me, so I guess we have bigger issues than a drunk message to try sort out.

Tell me how

Pohappiness wrote:

. Ps I am a personal advisor with 20 years of experience dealing with highl caliber clients. What do I know!

Oh Chr*st....

How did you knock 20 years out of it with that attitude?

I agree with BBoC on this one.
OP was effectively provoked and reacted defensively. No shame. Hope it works out for her.

Pohappiness

Curlybearhead wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, i don't have anyone to talk to about this so appreciate an outsiders view. I did apologise to him for texting his ex behind his back. In the sober light of day I realised what I did was a bad idea and I owned up to it and apologised. But He's still annoyed and not talking to me, so I guess we have bigger issues than a drunk message to try sort out.

You need to be good to yourself now!! Go for a walk and eat and drink water keep yourself busy for a couple of days. You haven’t done anything wrong.. there are good people on this forum and we have all been here one thing I know for sure is things will get better. Exercise is best for the mind. Be strong 💪

depends on what you mean by:

flirty
personal
asked him to stop

theyre vague enough terms and the specifics would determine whether youre being reasonable or not imo

justfillmein

I can understand you getting to the point of feeling like you had to text this girl, but this was on your boyfriend to sort.
YOU should never have any dealing's with a partners ex.

I would never allow any of my baggage(ex's) to interfere in my current relationship, that's for me to sort alone and put that to bed for good.


i've been there before with a terribly interfering ex(on his side), and I didn't take how it was handled, by him, very well.
personally i'd walk away from a situation like this.
definitely not saying you should, i'm just saying i've very little patience for this

Big Bag of Chips

Pohappiness wrote: »

It’s basic principles that if you do wrong you make yourself appear the better person and therefore can not have if thrown in your face. It’s basic dignity yourself bboc seem to be lacking in.

On this point: you've apologised. You don't need to keep apologising. Your "wrong" is less than his wrong and maintaining a 'basic dignity' as mentioned above would be to not keep begging for forgiveness from a man who is happily letting you suddenly be the one completely at fault. Has he apologised to you for letting it get to this point?

As I said, you did something with a few drinks in you that you probably would never have done otherwise. It's hardly the end of the world. The fact that he has now decided rather than look at the inappropriate nature of his and his exes behaviour to instead focus on the inappropriate nature of yours and stop talking to you is telling. He'd rather you be a bit put out, than her.

Often times we take the people closest to Is for granted. He is taking it for granted that you'll deal with this and back off rather than him having to stand up and tell yer wan she's out of line.

Talking to him is your only hope, but if he's gone into sulky mode I don't know how you are expected to deal with that. One thing you should not do though is keep apologising.

runningbuddy

Don't beat yourself up over texting the ex. We have all done daft things when we are vulnerable. Let it go.

He is in the wrong OP. After 6 years, there is absolutely no reason for him to be in touch with his ex, unless they have a child together.

heretothere

No, you probably shouldn't have texted the ex but I can 100% see why you did!! You've apologised for it so that's that. I wouldn't be happy with my fiance texting an ex especially so regularly. You need to ask him to stop and if he won't you need him to explain to you what is actually going on between them.

Curlybearhead

Just an update for everyone, we broke up! Turns out he wanted more from his ex than just friendship!
Heartbroken but know it'll get better soon.
Thanks for all your replies!

runningbuddy

I am so sorry OP but you are right. You WILL get better soon, that I can guarantee. .

From what you posted, he sounds like a dead loss. The fact that he was pissed with you speaks volumes.

Look after yourself and remember, it does get better x

heretothere

Sorry to hear that you're hurting but it sounds like you're much better off without him.
Did he at least man up and admit it and break up with you or did he cheat?
Either way bigger and better things in your life. Cut all communication with him

Curlybearhead

heretothere wrote: »

Sorry to hear that you're hurting but it sounds like you're much better off without him.
Did he at least man up and admit it and break up with you or did he cheat?
Either way bigger and better things in your life. Cut all communication with him

No he definitely did not man up or attempt to cover his tracks while he was off cheating so he must have wanted to get caught.

heretothere

What a sleeze. You're well rid of him

runningbuddy

He's a Twunt. You well rid OP...onwards and upwards x

never_mind

Unlike a lot of people, OP, you have gotten some sense of closure and can move on with some sense of dignity. Your message to his ex was completely fair and I probably would have done the same. Leave the two of them at it and I would imagine (and can only guess here) that she will suddenly go cold on him now that he is available; for some people the chase is better than anything. It doesn't matter either way, I get that, but know that you have done nothing wrong and can move on into your next relationship with your head up high.