Think my new boyfriend may have a drink problem?

LegacyUser

Hey all,

So my dad has some kind of functioning alcoholism thing going on. It's the thing we all talk about when he's not there but can't mention to him, every occasion is a nightmare and he promises not to get drunk, sometimes he doesn't, sometimes he does, he drinks so much, so quickly - makes a fool of himself, and us. It's just terrible. So, I'm just mentioning that to note that there's a chance I might be overthinking what I am about to say - oversensitive to alcohol issues due to fear or something.

As a result of my dad's issue. I am not a drinker, I drink, but not loads, only at weekends, very rarely at home. I hate being drunk, or even tipsy. I'm pretty big in to health and fitness so I'd easily and quite happily go months without having a drink.

I'm with my boyfriend 8 months and we have a really really good relationship. He's very good to me, and I to him. I've never questioned anything, other than what's the catch.

When we met first he was on a break from drink. This didn't really ring any alarm bells as Ive done this myself as part of my training or nutrition plan and it seemed to be driven in the same way by him. 4 months in he had completed his 6 month break and started drinking again.

As the time has passed I've noticed him drinking more and more and much quicker than me, on worknights if we're staying in he'll drink a whole bottle of wine or a good few cans and recently I've twigged that he is refiling his glass or going to the fridge when I pop to the loo. The same on nights out, I'll go to the bathroom and when I come back a fresh pint will be sitting there that he's ordered in my absense. He's NEVER gotten messy drunk around me but when he's been out with his friends without me I've gotten weird phonecalls and messages that are all incredibly loving and wonderful and sometimes odd....like "where are you?" and "Are you OK", "Please text me back to let me know you're OK" (after I've said goodnight, I'm going to sleep" a few hours previous)....but they seem out of character for him as he is a pretty well adjusted, solid person when I spend time with him.

Just wondering if anyone can make me relax a little about this?

zapper55

I don't think you are being oversensitive. The topping up his drink when you can't see is weird. If I were you I'd casually ask some day why he took a break from alcohol.

Ursus Horribilis

overthinkingmuch2018 wrote: »

on worknights if we're staying in he'll drink a whole bottle of wine or a good few cans and recently I've twigged that he is refiling his glass or going to the fridge when I pop to the loo.

I'd be worried too. The fact that he's able to put away this amount of wine or a load of cans without getting messy drunk suggests he has built up quite a tolerance to alcohol. I couldn't tell you if he's an alcoholic but you've found someone who's able to function despite drinking a lot.

tara73

alarm bells. I don't know whether we should tell you something to relax, I think we should be honest.
He sounds like he has issues. Severe issues. The strange behaviour with alcohol and the amount of it is one thing but the texts in the middle of the night after you've said you go to sleep would be, for me, even more concerning. They are very weird.

I would ask him straight out why he feels the need to text you in the middle of the night after you told him you're going to bed. And why this question 'where are you'? and are you ok'? they kind of insinuate you lied to him and are up to something 'bad' or whatever.
very strange. have a discussion with him about it.

Fozzydog3

Do you do many activities that aren't based around drink ? From what you've said it hard to say whether he's an alcoholic or still in his 'lad' stage.

Maybe try push for a few healthier activities like a walk or something to see how he copes.

IF he doesn't seem to be able to cope without drink get out of there ASAP, you've been through that BS before. The urge to try help him or change him might be there based on your experiences with your father but you're only setting yourself up for a string of broken ultimatums and disappointments.

Does he know about your father's history ? You could tell him that you've experienced alcoholism first hand, that there's a few things that are setting off alarm bells and you don't want to go through that again.

justfillmein

similar here. I was in a 2.5year relationship and ended it because of his drinking. he let me down so often, and I brushed it all off because in other ways he was very good to me.
he'd come in during the night and wake me because he 'came home to me'.
no he didn't, he came home because he couldn't handle any more drink!
or i'd have tickets to something I was looking forward to going to, and he go out the night before and i'd end up with a crabby hungover mess the next day.
even having lunch with him, he'd have to have 'just one'.

the final straw was when he came back 15mins before I was due to have guests over at 6oclock in the evening, and he had been out all day drinking.
I had to BEG and plead(not something I do easily) with him to go into the bedroom and stay there.
he wanted to have an argument about why I was pissed off with him.
it was awful, I was shaking the whole time the guests were here, thinking he'd get up to go toilet or whatever.
I was so ashamed with myself being with someone like that.

I don't mind people drinking a bit, but it's something I watch out for very closely

Eric Cartman

Just sounds like he's being a lad.

if he's not getting messy around you but is with the lads then it sounds like he's capable of controlling it. if the chap is a teenager or in his twenties I probably wouldn't worry, thirties or older would ring alarm bells.

I'd say the filling up drink / ordering drink while you're in the bathroom is a coincidence.

I think it might be a matter of perspective, people not used to being around big drinkers are very quick to call the aul 'alcoholic' card.

Provided he's keeping a lid on it around you, going to work, not missing family events / plans with you because of it then I wouldn't worry.

Big Bag of Chips

I have to agree with Eric Cartman that topping up his drink while you're gone to the toilet just sounds more like him taking the opportunity to get up, when you've gotten up.

On the other hand I don't agree with the thinking of if he's not getting messy, not missing work etc then it's not exactly a problem. Missing work and getting messy is when his drinking could he classed as becoming a problem for him. But it can become a problem for those closest long before that. A few years ago I would have classed my husband as a 'problem drinker'. He would have said I was overreacting and that he 'just liked a few drinks'. Problem for me was his drinking was costing a lot of money, and taking a lot of time from our family life. Me bringing the children out somewhere for the day was an opportunity for him to be dropped to the pub while I went off with them. Family events regardless of whether it was my family or his was always me driving and him having a few drinks. He'd say it wasn't worth going out if he wasn't going to have a few. He was never a messy drunk. He never got in fights. He was never abusive or obnoxious. He never missed work. But that doesn't mean his drinking wasn't a problem.

Over the years it became progressively worse until it finally became a problem for him and that's when there was a very sudden and extreme change in his drinking! He stopped!!!

When I started going out with him, he was mid 20s and 'liked a few drinks'. Then he was mid 30s and liked even more drinks, and it was becoming a problem (for me). Then he was mid 40s and it was a very real problem for more than just me.

Some people do grow out of it when other things come along in their lives, especially responsibilities like children for example. Some people don't. I'm not a big drinker, never have been and honestly, if I had my time over again I might not have gotten so heavily involved with someone who 'liked a few drinks' quite as much as he did!

Your gut is telling you something. People rarely regret listening to their gut. They often regret ignoring it though. I wouldn't jump straight to ending things, but it is something I'd be keeping an eye on.

Paddy Cow

overthinkingmuch2018 wrote: »

Just wondering if anyone can make me relax a little about this?

The only person who can make you relax about this, is your boyfriend. I don't know how you are going to bring it up but you need to have a conversation with him about it. People can get defensive about their drinking habits (especially if they have a problem) so maybe you could broach it by telling him about your Dad and how it affected your life. Tell him that because of your experience, you don't drink during the week and are not a fast drinker at the weekends. Ask him would he be willing to cut it out during the week and just Netflix and chill instead (or do something else) and at the weekends, not to buy you a drink when you have gone to the toilet. Tell him that you find it unsettling when he texts you when he is drunk.

His reaction will tell you volumes. He might not realise that his drinking is escalating or maybe he knows and hopes you just get used to it. Either way, you need to find out now. His drinking might be normal for him or normal laddish behaviour to a lot of people but if it's making you uncomfortable, it's something you need to address now. Lots of people drink to excess and grow out of it but plenty more grow into alcoholism. Talk to him and see what he says. If he is adamant there is nothing wrong with his drinking then you will have to decide whether or not you can stay with him.

ellie1

I went out with a charming funny nice guy who liked a few drinks and everything was great till it wasn't. It always came back to him drinking too much. There was always something that never felt right. Arguments around drinking, excuses around drinking, that feeling that he had used all the same excuses before to some other girl. I ignored the sensitivity to people drinking too much, ah sure he is single man and needs to socialise, he has loads of friends, ah sure it's a match, wedding, 40th, 21st, races , it's Monday, bad day at work etc etc!!! He was awful drunk and awful when he went on his off the drink for a month or three months!!

Bottom line in hindsight... Something didn't feel right that was my gut talking and it wasn't right!!
Always trust your gut!!!

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Labcoats and Running Shoes

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I'd agree that there could be something a bit off about the BF's relationship with alcohol. BUT, the other option here is that the BF takes the opportunity to get a new drink when OP goes to the bathroom so that he's not disturbing her by getting up when they're watching telly together. Generally if I'm drinking and watching a film/tv show with someone, I'll wait til they need to pee to go freshen drinks, it's not me being furtive or trying to pull the wool over their eyes, I'm just trying to do it at a time when I'm not interrupting the other person's viewing. That said, I have 0 issues around alcohol and can easily go months without drinking anything bar the odd bottle of beer.

GingerLily

I don't want to dismiss your feeling of unease OP, but I don't see red flags in the examples you've stated. I don't think it's weird to get a drink while waiting for someone, some people would consider that good manners.

zoobizoo

overthinkingmuch2018 wrote: »

• on a break from drink.
• drinking more and more
• much quicker than me,
• on worknights if we're staying in he'll drink a whole bottle of wine or a good few cans
• he is refiling his glass or going to the fridge when I pop to the loo.
• The same on nights out,
• I'll go to the bathroom and when I come back a fresh pint will be sitting there that he's ordered in my absense.
• I've gotten weird phonecalls and messages

When you lay it out, it looks like he has an issue.

If I was out with a wife, gf or even a friend, and they went to the toilet, I'd ask them beforehand if they wanted a drink or wait for them to return before ordering.

A whole bottle of wine or a "good few" cans midweek watching tv.... that's a lot for a midweek night.

Refilling while you're out of the room - again, why not just refill when you're in the room?

My BIL is an alcoholic.... takes breaks from booze like yer fella.

He functions well and rarely gets messy.

He drinks secretly like you describe. You'd notice he will not only drink quicker but he'll order bottles of wine for every one (in order to drink more himself).

And when he's drunk he gets on his phone and sends weird messages.


Question - does he ever drink in moderation when he isnt on a break?

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never_mind

I don't really see an issue at all with the above as it is so ingrained in our social culture in Ireland. In other countries, yes I would be curious if there was something here, but we treat and use alcohol differently here than in other places.

Your diagnosis isn't really fair... everything he does a lot of people do. If he is drinking the odd weeknight after a crap day at work then let him - it's how a lot of people unwind. A lot of people take baths, go for runs, watch Netflix, eat a takeaway, bake etc. Each to their own. It's if he's doing it in the morning, and frequently during the evening, that I'd be upset and concerned. Topping up your drink and going to the bar for a drink when one is finished as a sign of an alco isn't fair imo.

Good tolerance of alcohol does not imply your body getting used to it and thus you are labelled as an alcoholic. He might be a bigger guy with a higher metabolism, so I call bullsh!t on that. You are not a doctor (or at least you don't mention that you are)

If you aren't a drinker that's fair enough and if you don't want to go out with a drinker that's completely ok. But to label a person who enjoys their booze as an alcoholic is like calling a foodie a food addict or a sky diver as a person with suicidal thoughts. Since you are so into nutirtion and exercise he might think you have problems with personal image?? I mean it's so easy to just label someone who seems like just enjoys getting a big mellow with a bottle of wine the odd time.

If it is affecting his personal life and your relationship then the fault might not be his relationship with alcohol but how you perceive it.

zoobizoo

never_mind wrote: »

Your diagnosis isn't really fair... everything he does a lot of people do. .....

...... Topping up your drink and going to the bar for a drink when one is finished as a sign of an alco isn't fair imo......

But to label a person who enjoys their booze as an alcoholic is like calling a foodie a food addict or a sky diver as a person with suicidal thoughts.
.

It doesn't matter if a lot of people do it. There are a lot of problem drinkers out there.

Topping up your drink isn't the sign of an alcoholic. When someone does it continuously or surreptitiously, then it could be the sign of a problem drinker.

There's a big difference between someone having a couple of glasses of wine and a whole bottle.

You make a comparison to a foodie - if your partner started eating three times the amount they normally ate, there'd be pause for concern. You wouldn't think "ah sure they 're into their food"..... you might think "why are they eating so much - that's not healthy"


The guy may not be an alcoholic, but it sounds like he has an unhealthy relationship with booze.

never_mind

zoobizoo wrote: »

The guy may not be an alcoholic, but it sounds like he has an unhealthy relationship with booze.

Sorry but this is the typical discourse people who are against drinking.. What makes it sound like he has an unhealthy relationship with drink? What has he done, apart from drinking 4 glasses (roughly a bottle) of wine the odd time aduring the week, to show that he has a problem?

I think this thread is going to attract a lot of people who are anti-drink here... He is a grown man entitled to have a few glasses of wine every once and awhile and drink as most of us do at the weekend. I personally don't drink during the week but tonight I might - this is completely normal behaviour.

The OP admits this herself:
He's NEVER gotten messy drunk around me but when he's been out with his friends without me I've gotten weird phonecalls and messages that are all incredibly loving and wonderful and sometimes odd....like "where are you?" and "Are you OK", "Please text me back to let me know you're OK" (after I've said goodnight, I'm going to sleep" a few hours previous)....but they seem out of character for him as he is a pretty well adjusted, solid person when I spend time with him.

There is a big differnece between a p!ss head and an alcoholic- and I don't think this guy fits into either category. He respects the OP enough not to be getting rat arsed around her and she calls him a 'well adjusted, solid person'... Sorry this doesn't sound like a drinking problem but a compatibility one. OP, if this is bothering you then move on and burn your bridges. Trying to change someone and gaslighting them in thinking that they have a drinking problem is ridiculous and unfair.

GingerLily

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I cant actually see in the OP where this was stated?

She didnt say anything about him getting a drink while waiting for someone?[/quote]

Its in the OP, she goes to the bathroom and he orders a fresh pint - not down a shot behind her back, just order a fresh drink.

never_mind

GingerLily wrote: »

Its in the OP, she goes to the bathroom and he orders a fresh pint - not down a shot behind her back, just order a fresh drink.

Exactly... there is absolutley nothing sinister about this. I met my friends recently who were late for dinner. I went into the pub next door and had a pint. Then when they arrived I went to the toilet and came back and the buggers bought in a round and didn't include me. This is a non-issue, really, they aren't lushes they just wanted a pint and thought I was going to be longer than usual.

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never_mind

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OP doesn't say if it was all the time or not but it sounds regular enough. I still don't get it... I mean the OP is clearly anxious around alcohol and has every right to be but this does not dictate that everyone around her has to overthink how,
how much, and when they buy themselves a drink! It's ludicrous!

OP, I have dated non-drinkers and come from a family with its own share of alcoholics. If someone told me that I drank too much or drank in a certain way (!) that made them feel uncomfortable I would find it incredibly draining. Think about this thoroughly... is it your issues around alcohol that is feeding into this or his? You say he sends lovely messages when drinking, is never p!ssed on front of you, and is an all-rounder in every other way. He might be fond of the drink but this does not make him a bad person. I've always been of the opinion that if someone changes with drink on them (e.g. gets angry or suddenly becomes more confident) and they see it has detrimental affects on their work or family/love life then they do have a problem... it seems like this dude has nothing of the sort.

Augme

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Let be honest, it's kinda hard to miss a brand new pint. If the guy is trying to be sneaky by ordering a full pint, he's doing a terrible job.

bucketybuck

You will never convince me that anybody who regularly sits at home on a weeknight drinking a full bottle of wine doesn't have problems.

Pass it off as just a fondness for a wee drink all you want, but I have seen enough drunks to know what dependency is, and I think its a shame so many Irish people normalise that behaviour.

I drink, I drink far too much, I don't hate drinking or any of that ****e. And I would bet dollars to doughnuts that the guy in the OP is actually drinking more than the OP realises.

vetinari

Agree with bucketybuck, I drink too much as well (mostly binge drinking around weekends or events).
I went through a spell where I started drinking 1 or 2 drinks on some week days as well.
It was quite noticeable at the 2 drinks mark that you were developing a bit of a dependency on the drink.

Drinking a bottle of wine on a regular week night is a lot of alcohol.
Fine if you're then not drinking too much then on the weekend but by the sounds of it, it's being followed up by big weekend sessions.
Your boyfriend might be lucky and never suffer any health consequences from that level of drinking.
Ultimately it's up to you whether you feel you're compatible enough with someone who is a heavy drinker.