Son not well...don't know what to do

LegacyUser

Hi all, I need some help/guidance...

My son is 19 and since last June, has suffered awful with anxiety/ocd/irrational thoughts....

We have been to gp three times - she wasn't great....

He is seeing a counsellor once a week that we pay privately for....not sure if she's helping, he doesn't seem to be getting better

He has an apt with the adult mental health services in April (he was with the child and adolescent mental health services but they discharged him when he turned 18...awful)

He has dropped out of his course and works two days a week in a local chipper - I don't mind this, he wasn't really into the course and it was causing him extra stress

However, he is refusing to take any sort of mild medication which has been suggested time and time again.

He refuses to eat well/drink water/get exercise - all things that will help him

He is online till all hours talking to a girl from another country who he wants to visit in the summer....

He walks around the house like a zombie, has extremely irrational thoughts that he says to me and his Dad

His younger brother has picked up on everything and I think is a little scared of him.

I try so hard to help him but here's my dilemma - I keep losing the head with him...I cant help it. I'm looking at this gorgeous young man who I carried and nurtured and love and I get so angry that he is letting this anxiety take over his life.

Our lives are turned up side down with him and when he has episodes everyone is affected.

We are trying so hard with him and I feel that we have done everything we can - he is technically an adult now and he keeps saying this to me - 'you can't make me take medication', 'you cant make me do ........'

What do we do? I'm so stressed by the whole thing - we never know what kind of day we are going to have with him.......

Thanks for reading

Neyite

I've no useful advice, but I'm sure some posters will be along to give you some helpful suggestions.

They can't give you medical advice though - you do need to talk to the healthcare professionals for that.

zoobizoo

Why is he refusing medication?

It could be the key to getting him back on track for a while.

silverharp

It sounds like you let him walk all over you at home

He is online till all hours talking to a girl from another country who he wants to visit in the summer....

Turn off the internet especially at night , sleep and diet are basic building blocks for mental health, let him negotiate to get whatever privileges he has at home like the internet on the basis that he sits down for meals ,contributes to the house work etc. Given that he is able to keep a job I'd be inclined to think he is indulging himself at home with his behaviour as Im sure his job wouldn't put up with odd behaviour.

Tenigate

I think he should try a different counsellor. He should try to get more hours at work. He should possibly visit that girl he chats to online or at least make plans to.

You should stop stressing so much. Ask him to contribute towards household bills and chores if he doesn't already.

The college course sounds like it was a waste of time, so at least he got it out of his system.

It would be great if he could get into fitness. Maybe in addition to counselling he'd be open to attending a personal trainer once a week, or even better a group fitness class. You'd see a massive change in him. If you have the cash you should definitely encourage it.

December2012

Okay, firstly you need to look after your own mental health so that you can facilitate his recovery. There are partnering courses for young children with mental health concerns, that works on giving the parents guidance so the parents can set the lead at home and help the child.

your son its an adult by lawn but of course he is still your child. You are still the coach. So no you cannot force him to take his medication - can you encourage him? Can you bribe him? Can you coach him?

If he won't take them - find out why. You can empathise with him, you can understand his concerns, but surely there is some currency that you can use for him to encourage him to take the medication or the walks or the sleep? Make a contract with him, if he wants something from you, eg money to go and visit this girl, make sure he does something for you. Go with him. Go walking, get bikes, get a dog and bring the pupper out for a walk together. Do it together and set the tone.

stop animal cruelty

Did ur doctor refer him to a psychologist ?

Tbh a counsellor is not going to be much help. Im talking from experience. A counsellor only knods and listens. Iv been to 3 or 4 of them in the last 8 yrs....only at Christmas l started to see a psychologist and they have been way more helpful. They can make a diagnosis, they have a wider knowledge on mental health and have the aim to help and prevent further "damage".

Im not trying to knock counsellors, they are great. I am stating theres a big difference in both..and with my experience, a psychologist is much more suited with mental health issues.

Give him space. Have you ever sat down with him and tried to have a calm talk about things?

Hes a adult. He can make his own decisions and suffer the consequences. He cannot be forced to do something he does not want to i.e. take medication, though yes it would be a positive and helpful step to take, its up to him.

Perhaps he is frightened to take them? Has he a stigma with meds? When l took them first myself, l was frightened cause l thought only "mad" people take them. Hes young and doesnt know a whole lot, and he might just learn the hard way. Thats what I did.

In time maybe, hopefully he will co- operate better. You just be there for him.

Im talking from my experience with mental health.

shesty

I can't offer much other than to have a look yourselves and see if there is any support you can get to help you deal with it, to figure out how to approach it.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you ever done a parenting course? It might be something to look in to. It won't magically fix him, but it will give you tools to communicate with him differently. If you can communicate with differently then maybe he'll also adjust the way he communicates with you.
CAMHS have to discharge him when he reaches adulthood. He needs to be transferred to adult services. April isn't too far away. But I do agree with the suggestion of a psychologist rather than a counsellor. His needs go beyond the scope of a counsellor. Go to your GP and ask for a recommendation.

linpoo

I 2nd the comment about seeing a psychologist as opposed to a counsellor this us what my doctor advised.

I started taking medication due to postnatal depression, I was reluctant to take anything but I was assured if I didn't like them that I could stop taking them and by god the difference it has made taking even a light dose. Just feel more like myself really and wish I took them sooner.
So maybe if you ask your son to give them a go and if he doesn't want to stay on them he can stop might convince him to try them?

Maybe he is worried they will make him not feel like himself or that he will be on them for life which may not be the case.

Good luck, hope your son feels better soon.

Rubberchikken

A psychiatrist migjt be a lot better than a counsellor. For one thing they can prescribe and may be able to convince your son to at least try medication.


Please try not to get angry or frustrated with him. He's not this way on purpose. He's ill and needs help and support and so do you. Can you speak to ypur gp? My worry would be that tjis will escalate witjout the proper help.
Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for reading and responding. Very much appreciated.

He will be seeing a psychiatrist once he starts in April so at least we have that coming.

We went to this counseling as CBT was suggested and she specialises in this. I'm not sure though.....our gp asked us did she give my son goals/workbook etc and she hasn't....I'm thinking we stick with her till April then see what the psychiatrist says....

I try so hard to understand and talk to him, I really do. I've read and spoke to others who work in mental health services....but I do think, as one poster suggested,think he walks all over me.....but he's my son and when I do lose the head I feel so bad so I nearly compensate by indulging him further

I do feel so sorry for him...I do see the pain he's in some days. He barely brushes his teeth and wash himself.....

He is saving to visit this girl and I think it's the only thing that keeps him going

I've suggested reading to him instead of zoning in on his phone all the time...

He used to be so sporty but his OCD means he won't touch anything that he thinks might be contaminated with germs....

It's a mess.

I hope we can get through this with him.....

Thanks again all.....x

PS yes I really think myself and his dad need support.......it causes a lot of stress between us too.....

Tenigate

Sonnotwell wrote: »

..but I do think, as one poster suggested,think he walks all over me.....but he's my son and when I do lose the head I feel so bad so I nearly compensate by indulging him further

Maybe some form of counselling would be good for you too. Maybe you've heard of codependency. It's a quagmire. Your best intentions may be backfiring and making his situation worse.

I'd probably ask what you expect from him exactly that has left you so disappointed. He has some things going for him. Hobbies, a job, a gf.

From what you say, sure, he hasn't grown into a well-rounded adult. Hopefully the psychologist will help him. But for your own emotional well-being, and to ensure you have a healthy relationship with him (establishing boundaries, not lashing out or overcompensating, not getting depressed by his actions), you may benefit from counselling, too.