He wants to meet his ex

kelleygriff

I’ll attempt a summary.
With my boyfriend 4 months. Met him online. So far so great. We have amazing fun together, really enjoy each other’s company and are genuinely pleased to be together. Obviously we have had the odd non deep conversation about our relationship past in a getting to know one another way. He has never really been in a long term relationship. He dated a girl last year for about a month, but ended things with her due to a lack of chemistry on his part. They stay in touch.
She wants to meet him, apparently they have met since officially ending things as friends. He’s happy to meet her. I don’t know how I feel. On the one hand, I have male friends who I meet and would be unhappy to be told not to, but on the other, he mentioned in the past that he found it weird that I had met an ex who I remained good friends with when in a relationship previously. He said he would be uncomfortable in such a situation.
I trust him as much as one person can trust another and truly believe he genuinely likes her but not in “that” way. However obviously I don’t know her (I’m sure she’s a lovely girl) or how she feels, I suggested to him that she may still have “hope” and he totally dismissed it. When pushed he said that even if she did, nothing would happen (I also believe this) but am I right to be uncomfortable with him going out with somebody who may or may not have feelings for him?

piplip87

You have answered it for yourself. You have previously met an ex. You have male friends who you meet up with too.

After four months if you try and stop him then he may do the same to you next time you want to meet your male friends and going forward it could cause major problems.

The fact he told you he was going to see her, to me points out that it is innocent

zapper55

Why in earth would anyone be bothered meeting up with someone they were only seeing for a month? Sure you wouldn't even know each other enough to be friends at that stage. Maybe she has hope of getting back together, maybe not but I'd be cautious that he's doing that online dating thing of hedging his bets.

I wouldn't stop him or say anything to him but I'd keep a watching eye.

kelleygriff

Oh absolutely no intention of stopping him. None at all. He will go to that date (sorry sorry, meeting:) with my blessing. I'm just a bit weirded out by it, especially because he had previously said that he would find this unacceptable.
I didn't think it was overly bothering me tbh but have found it playing on my mind a little

clairewithani

Why are you uneasy
1. They dated for about a month- it's nothing.
2. He finished it
3. He felt no chemistry
4. They have been in contact since but not back together.
5. He told you he is not interested in her romantically or physically even if she is in him.

I see nothing I would worry about here.

kelleygriff

I guess to a degree it's the double standard. He said he's be uncomfortable with a partner meeting somebody they had a "history" with, but is baffled that I may wonder if this girl may still have feelings for him. I'm surprised that I am uneasy. I have as stated met ex's have had ex's who's met ex's. I will not stop him, or in anyway make it difficult.
He's bothered meeting up with her because he geniunely likes her. I understand this, he may not have been attracted to her, but over the course of the past year has accumulated a fondness for her. I am fairly certain there's no bet hedging. They ended their "thing" over a year ago.

woodchuck

You refer to her as his ex... however they were only dating for a month! It's barely a blip on the relationship radar, so I don't think you have anything to worry about.

tara73

I understand why you're not comfortable with it. am i right he ended it because of lack of chemistry? So this is an important point. It wasn't mutual and she might have indeed still feelings for him as you mentioned, also to him.

Yes, you meeting male friends, but are they exes who might have still feelings for you? I didn't read that in your post. So big difference to his set up.

Let him do it but I wouldn't be thrilled either and would be wary if he's this type who needs ego boosts from someone else when in a relationship.

Maryg3

kelleygriff wrote: »

I guess to a degree it's the double standard. He said he's be uncomfortable with a partner meeting somebody they had a "history" with, but is baffled that I may wonder if this girl may still have feelings for him. I'm surprised that I am uneasy. I have as stated met ex's have had ex's who's met ex's. I will not stop him, or in anyway make it difficult.
He's bothered meeting up with her because he geniunely likes her. I understand this, he may not have been attracted to her, but over the course of the past year has accumulated a fondness for her. I am fairly certain there's no bet hedging. They ended their "thing" over a year ago.

The part that I am confused about is why would his ex want to meet him? I know your saying they have some fondness to each other and your boyfriend is not attracted to his ex, but to be honest if they ended things because of " no chemistry" then what chemistry do they have in common to remain pals?

Obviously you trust him as you said, and like you stated above you have met up with ex's previously so from his point of view he probably sees it as a non issue for him to do the same!

In my opinion OP, and this is just my opinion from your post, you kind of sound like you are developing a issue over this. If I was you I would sit down and chat with your bf properly about it and if ye are going to consider developing a more concrete and serious relationship ship maybe you both need to set boundaries!

I'm not saying this means that you should stop talking to male friends or that he should stop talking female pals but I just think ye should maybe level it out with ex partners so that you both are on the same page. Again this is just my opinion..
Hope this helps

kelleygriff

He felt no "sexual" chemistry towards her. That's not to say the normal friendly bantery chemistry wasn't present. It seems it was/is. I know why he wants to meet her (he likes her, he enjoys her company and he has remained friendly with her or more accurately built a friendship after the couple of dates fizzled out.
The ex's I have met up with have been when I was in a previous relationship. I'm not sure he would like it. He had previously said he would not.
I'm not distraught by any means, but as I have zero idea who this girl is or how she feels, it make me a little... icky.

Maryg3

If you bf had " no sexual chemistry" towards this girl and its just friendly banter on his behalf that is fine, but if you haven't met up with ex's while in this current relationship with him and you don't plan on meeting up with any or if he feels uncomfortable with you doing that, then he is kind of contradicting what he is saying by finding it harmless to meet up with his ex, whether they dated a month or a year!

For 1 as you said you don't know this girl so you don't know how she feels about your bf and that in itself is an issue in my eyes, so that's why in my opinion I think you need to sit down and talk to him maybe find out more about this girl and get more of an insight to what she is like!!
Definitely set boundaries though because you don't want things to be playing on your mind that will just cause tension and unnecessary conflict between the two of u longterm. Personally I would feel uncomfortable if my husband was meeting up with an ex nó matter if he had no sexual chemistry with them and it was just purely in a friendly nature, but again that's just my opinion on it!!

Yellow pack crisps

Ask him why it bothers him. But doesn’t bother him when he does it. That’s what is really bothering you .

witchgirl26

How long were you with the ex's that you'd meet up with for? Maybe that is the cause of the difference in his opinion if you were together with those ones for a while versus his month long "relationship" with this girl who he's probably been friends with a lot longer at this point than ever as a couple.

Honestly I wouldn't have an issue with my partner meeting up with an ex where it wasn't long term or serious in anyway. I'd be a little more weary if it was someone he'd had a proper relationship with but at the end of the day, it is not up to me to tell him who he can and cannot see.

cailin.

kelleygriff wrote: »

I’ll attempt a summary.
He said he would be uncomfortable in such a situation.

This bit stood out for me. I think from your point of view you probably have nothing to worry about, but something in your gut reaction prompted you to create a thread asking for different perspectives so I think that's important to note.

Last year I ended things with someone I was dating for three months because he was in constant contact with quite a number of female "friends" (i.e girl's he had met for one/two dates/ slept with and ended things but kept in touch months)
It didn't bother me initially but it became clear pretty quickly that he was one of those guys who used tinder/POF etc, to socialise and meet girls casually and maintain contact through a "friendship" to keep his options open. it caused issues around the building of trust and brought drama that I didn't have the head for. He loved the attention from these girls and had his ego boosted every time they tried to pursue him despite knowing he was seeing someone. And he was 31.

I know it's on the more extreme end compared to your situation, but if I was you I'd keep an eye out because quite frankly I think it's strange to maintain a "friendship" with someone he dated for a month and with whom he ended things. In your situation you had an established relationship but if the situation was reversed he wouldn't like it, so I agree a chat setting boundaries is important. You should be in the fun stage and building trust organically, so addressing this constructively early is important to set your boundaries/expectations going forward.

Calypso Realm

zapper55 wrote: »

Why in earth would anyone be bothered meeting up with someone they were only seeing for a month? Sure you wouldn't even know each other enough to be friends at that stage. M.

My thoughts exactly. In fact, I find it strange if he finished it why he'd have any interest in meeting up at all! ( Far more understandable with a longer relationship) Most guys, in my experience, wouldn't have entertained the prospect at all, given it's over..... unless, of course he's curious as to why she'd wish to meet, but even then! In additon, the double standard is a bit odd. (I'm even wondering if he's just guaging your reaction, but I concede this is pure speculation and only he knows for sure)

OP, this may very well amount to nothing of any significance at all, but just airing my thoughts.

Pohappiness

cailin. wrote: »

This bit stood out for me. I think from your point of view you probably have nothing to worry about, but something in your gut reaction prompted you to create a thread asking for different perspectives so I think that's important to note.

Last year I ended things with someone I was dating for three months because he was in constant contact with quite a number of female "friends" (i.e girl's he had met for one/two dates/ slept with and ended things but kept in touch months)
It didn't bother me initially but it became clear pretty quickly that he was one of those guys who used tinder/POF etc, to socialise and meet girls casually and maintain contact through a "friendship" to keep his options open. it caused issues around the building of trust and brought drama that I didn't have the head for. He loved the attention from these girls and had his ego boosted every time they tried to pursue him despite knowing he was seeing someone. And he was 31.

I know it's on the more extreme end compared to your situation, but if I was you I'd keep an eye out because quite frankly I think it's strange to maintain a "friendship" with someone he dated for a month and with whom he ended things. In your situation you had an established relationship but if the situation was reversed he wouldn't like it, so I agree a chat setting boundaries is important. You should be in the fun stage and building trust organically, so addressing this constructively early is important to set your boundaries/expectations going forward.

All of this. Look I was dating and seen a girl for a few weeks and it just went nowhere. Couple of months pass and I’m with someone I really like, and then the previous text to ask if I wanted to meet for a cuppa. I said no thanks bla bla bla. OP your gut is telling you something and you should listen. Meeting with someone after a month.. hmm nope not a chance. Behave

Passtheremote

I wouldnt necessarily believe him when he says he ended it because of lack of chemistry on his part. It could have been any reason but thats a handy one to use alright.

There is no basis for friendship after 1 month of dating.

Id say hes just keeping his options open with the girl.

If a girl I was seeing came out with this rubbish to me Id be saying goodbye.

Dial Hard

Passtheremote wrote:

There is no basis for friendship after 1 month of dating.

I can't agree with this. I met one of my male friends through POF. We went on three dates over the course of a month or so and got on like a house on fire, but realised there was absolutely no sexual chemistry. That was about six years ago and we're still friends and still see eachother for drinks and food and chats.

Floppybits

Dial Hard wrote: »

Passtheremote wrote:

There is no basis for friendship after 1 month of dating.

I can't agree with this. I met one of my male friends through POF. We went on three dates over the course of a month or so and got on like a house on fire, but realised there was absolutely no sexual chemistry. That was about six years ago and we're still friends and still see eachother for drinks and food and chats.

Finally a bit of common sense. I have female friends that I meet or text that I dated but there was no chemistry and we ended up friends.  This does happen, does it mean that you have to exclude them from your life because you have now met someone.  It is the same for folks who have been in long relationships with someone and in the end they just fizzled out but the couple remain good friends. 
Fair enough I can understand it if the relationship ended but the person still has feelings for the ex, but that is totally different to someone who broke up because there was no chemistry.  
OP, you have to take your BF (if that is what he is at this stage?) at his word.  If he lies then he is just a toerag and better to find out now that down the road, prevent him from seeing her then are you prepared to cut all contact with your male friends or he will resent you and either end the relationship or see the person behind your back, even if there is nothing going on.

Mr. Incognito

He has told you.

If it was underhand he would have hidden it.

I would say cool, and then say that at some point you would like to meet her also but obviously not yet.

I think if you met her it would put your mind at ease but leave it for down the line. Just plant the idea now.

kelleygriff

Hi Everyone. Thanks for all the replies. I Appreciate people taking the time to give their opinion.
I have met people on tinder/pof whom I got on with like a house on fire but didn't want to be with in a romantic way, so I understand how this can happen 100%. In my case, the platonic contact / meetings eventually fizzled out for whatever reasons. He has some female friends he knows from school/college etc.. and I wouldn't think to worry about him meeting up with them. My gut tells me that he is not romantically interested in this girl, the thing that bothered me was that I obviously I don't know if the same is true for her, but hey, either way, sometimes you got to take a leap of faith, and there is zero chance of me "laying down the law" on who he can or cannot see. I would not accept this in return.