Scratchaton 2018 - The Itchy Bollix

TomSweeney

Right, so I shaved the owl *whistle whistle* for a bit of a surprise for the wife last night and boom bingo the stars exploded for about 3 and a half minutes and then I watched an episode of Better Call Saul.

Now Im sitting here in work and I have an itchy bollix, don't know if I can last the day - its really ****ing annoying !!

Im thinking of popping down to the chemist, will vaseline do the job ?
or just normal moisturiser

Christ, it wasn't even that good - I dont know what the fuss is about !!!

Bob Harris

Did you put it inside her or put it in cider?

SEPT 23 1989

Just wait until the ingrown hairs start

That’s probably the auld chlamydia flaring up, the shaving was just a coincidence.

Greybottle

Rub some Deep Heat into it. It'll take your mind off the itching anyway.

peckerhead

I suppose a link to some well-known Amazon reviews would not be considered helpful?

TomSweeney

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Just wait until the ingrown hairs start

Beta Ray Bill

TomSweeney wrote: »

Right, so I shaved the owl *whistle whistle* for a bit of a surprise for the wife last night and boom bingo the stars exploded for about 3 and a half minutes and then I watched an episode of Better Call Saul.

Now Im sitting here in work and I have an itchy bollix, don't know if I can last the day - its really ****ing annoying !!

Im thinking of popping down to the chemist, will vaseline do the job ?
or just normal moisturiser

Christ, it wasn't even that good - I dont know what the fuss is about !!!

Nothing like a nice set smooth ones down under to get your misses going!

They love smooth balls.... deeeeerrrrty feckers

Anyway this is the hassle with smooth balls.

Itchiness is annoying now, but that's nothing a bit of moisturiser won't solve.
Wait till you get inner leg ball stick.... then you'll know the meaning of irritating.

Also if you go down to the pharmacy, make sure you explain to the person behind the counter EXACTLY what the problem is. They love hearing about these kind of stories.

Chrongen

TomSweeney wrote: »

Right, so I shaved the owl *whistle whistle* for a bit of a surprise for the wife last night and boom bingo the stars exploded for about 3 and a half minutes and then I watched an episode of Better Call Saul.

Now Im sitting here in work and I have an itchy bollix, don't know if I can last the day - its really ****ing annoying !!

Im thinking of popping down to the chemist, will vaseline do the job ?
or just normal moisturiser

Christ, it wasn't even that good - I dont know what the fuss is about !!!

Finely chop some habanero chili peppers for the curry then scratch your hole vigourously. Wait 10 minutes. Your itchy nutpurse will be the furthest thing from your mind.

The_Valeyard

super_furry

Margarine is your only man there.

OOnegative

Your problem is you didn’t do it with cut-throat razor, that’s why it’s so itchy. Next time use a cut-throat razor and you’ll have no itching.

beertons

Lob on a bit of Brute when finished. You won't be itchy.

Cee-Jay-Cee

Its because you shaved, you need to use a hair removal cream now to get rid of the remaining stubble under the skin. I suggest Veet or Nair. Apply it and leave it for 20 minutes, wash off, job done.

greencap

Outside and dip them in the snow.

Tsssssss. Steam rising.

harry Bailey esq

Greybottle wrote: »

Rub some Deep Heat into it. It'll take your mind off the itching anyway.

You sir, are a diabolical bastard
He's right though OP.

Butcher Boy

coopers sheep dip works aswell.

JohnnyFlash

My pecker and purse were as hairy as a roadie for the Dubliners up until a few months back. Never bothered doing any sort of grooming. As long as could safely whip out your wand to take a piss then that’s all that mattered. The ex never took to cleaning up her flange either. That’s how a loveless marriage works.

I’m now back on the ‘dating’ scene though, and up to the seam of me balls in gowl most weekends. One of the ladies I pulled gently pointed out that grooming habits had moved on since I was last a singleton. So I took a nailsissors to the thatch, and covered me balls in Nivea shaving foam, before (very) gingerly using a razor to tackle the pubes on me purse. Job turned out nicely, with no nicks, and minimum chafing afterwards. Covered them in sudocream anyways just to be careful. Think the whole air looks like a turkey’s neck now, but the chicks seem to like it. Had one bird sucking me sac last weekend and doubt she’d have done it if it was covered in a damp mat of pubes. I’ll never get used to me sac sticking to the inside of my leg though. Especially bad when coming in out of the cold. It’s like peeling chicken skin off a tile floor.

Vladimir Poontang

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

My pecker and purse were as hairy as a roadie for the Dubliners up until a few months back. Never bothered doing any sort of grooming. As long as could safely whip out your wand to take a piss then that’s all that mattered. The ex never took to cleaning up her flange either. That’s how a loveless marriage works.

I’m now back on the ‘dating’ scene though, and up to the seam of me balls in gowl most weekends. One of the ladies I pulled gently pointed out that grooming habits had moved on since I was last a singleton. So I took a nailsissors to the thatch, and covered me balls in Nivea shaving foam, before (very) gingerly using a razor to tackle the pubes on me purse. Job turned out nicely, with no nicks, and minimum chafing afterwards. Covered them in sudocream anyways just to be careful. Think the whole air looks like a turkey’s neck now, but the chicks seem to like it. Had one bird sucking me sac last weekend and doubt she’d have done it if it was covered in a damp mat of pubes. I’ll never get used to me sac sticking to the inside of my leg though. Especially bad when coming in out of the cold. It’s like peeling chicken skin off a tile floor.

You should get the David Beckham down the local salon - back, sack and crack. The young WANs love rimming badge these days

Cee-Jay-Cee

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

My pecker and purse were as hairy as a roadie for the Dubliners up until a few months back. Never bothered doing any sort of grooming. As long as could safely whip out your wand to take a piss then that’s all that mattered. The ex never took to cleaning up her flange either. That’s how a loveless marriage works.

I’m now back on the ‘dating’ scene though, and up to the seam of me balls in gowl most weekends. One of the ladies I pulled gently pointed out that grooming habits had moved on since I was last a singleton. So I took a nailsissors to the thatch, and covered me balls in Nivea shaving foam, before (very) gingerly using a razor to tackle the pubes on me purse. Job turned out nicely, with no nicks, and minimum chafing afterwards. Covered them in sudocream anyways just to be careful. Think the whole air looks like a turkey’s neck now, but the chicks seem to like it. Had one bird sucking me sac last weekend and doubt she’d have done it if it was covered in a damp mat of pubes. I’ll never get used to me sac sticking to the inside of my leg though. Especially bad when coming in out of the cold. It’s like peeling chicken skin off a tile floor.

You sir are one classy dude!!!

dd972

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

My pecker and purse were as hairy as a roadie for the Dubliners up until a few months back. Never bothered doing any sort of grooming. As long as could safely whip out your wand to take a piss then that’s all that mattered. The ex never took to cleaning up her flange either. That’s how a loveless marriage works.

I’m now back on the ‘dating’ scene though, and up to the seam of me balls in gowl most weekends. One of the ladies I pulled gently pointed out that grooming habits had moved on since I was last a singleton. So I took a nailsissors to the thatch, and covered me balls in Nivea shaving foam, before (very) gingerly using a razor to tackle the pubes on me purse. Job turned out nicely, with no nicks, and minimum chafing afterwards. Covered them in sudocream anyways just to be careful. Think the whole air looks like a turkey’s neck now, but the chicks seem to like it. Had one bird sucking me sac last weekend and doubt she’d have done it if it was covered in a damp mat of pubes. I’ll never get used to me sac sticking to the inside of my leg though. Especially bad when coming in out of the cold. It’s like peeling chicken skin off a tile floor.

I bet it was as you say, a bit like disarming a landed nuke that hadn't detonated.:pac:

JohnnyFlash

dd972 wrote: »

I bet it was as you say, a bit like disarming a landed nuke that hadn't detonated.:pac:

The most delicate part is where you lift
the lad up, and have to shave the bit where your ballsac ends and your todger begins. It’s a very sensitive and delicate area, and any slip could be fatal. Slow and steady wins the race. Think shaving the cock and conkers is preferable to waxing or using that immac stuff. Say that stuff could burn the meat and veg off you.

marcbrophy

Vladimir Poontang wrote: »

The young WANs love rimming badge these days

Best way you could have wrote that sentence, IMO :pac:

Toots

OOnegative wrote: »

Your problem is you didn’t do it with cut-throat razor, that’s why it’s so itchy. Next time use a cut-throat razor and you’ll have no itching.

Won't have any balls left either! :pac:

OP if you shave it you'll need to keep shaving it or else the regrowth will itch. Get yourself down to hour local salon for a back sack and crack wax. Or a manzillian as they're now referred to.

JohnnyFlash

Toots wrote: »

Won't have any balls left either! :pac:

OP if you shave it you'll need to keep shaving it or else the regrowth will itch. Get yourself down to hour local salon for a back sack and crack wax. Or a manzillian as they're now referred to.

Are you saying they apply wax or waxing strips to your arsehole, and then rip them away? For fûcks sake. Pass!!

harry Bailey esq

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Are you saying they apply wax or waxing strips to your arsehole, and then rip them away? For fûcks sake. Pass!!

Anything goes on the reeperbahn.

Yer Da sells Avon

TomSweeney wrote: »

Right, so I shaved the owl

You did what?

harry Bailey esq

Hapax Legomenon wrote: »

You did what?

Shame on you! The man pours his owl heart out and there's you thinking it's a big hoot. I'll be perched up keeping an eye on you, if and when I swoop your feathers will be well and truly ruffled.

JohnnyFlash

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

My pecker and purse were as hairy as a roadie for the Dubliners up until a few months back. Never bothered doing any sort of grooming. As long as could safely whip out your wand to take a piss then that’s all that mattered. The ex never took to cleaning up her flange either. That’s how a loveless marriage works.

I’m now back on the ‘dating’ scene though, and up to the seam of me balls in gowl most weekends. One of the ladies I pulled gently pointed out that grooming habits had moved on since I was last a singleton. So I took a nailsissors to the thatch, and covered me balls in Nivea shaving foam, before (very) gingerly using a razor to tackle the pubes on me purse. Job turned out nicely, with no nicks, and minimum chafing afterwards. Covered them in sudocream anyways just to be careful. Think the whole air looks like a turkey’s neck now, but the chicks seem to like it. Had one bird sucking me sac last weekend and doubt she’d have done it if it was covered in a damp mat of pubes. I’ll never get used to me sac sticking to the inside of my leg though. Especially bad when coming in out of the cold. It’s like peeling chicken skin off a tile floor.

literally reading this and am getting the squint eye in the office!! Hilarious post, best I've read in ages.! I tip me hat!:D

Boom_Bap

I'm a fan of hooters myself.

Birneybau

TomSweeney wrote: »

Right, so I shaved the owl *whistle whistle* for a bit of a surprise for the wife last night and boom bingo the stars exploded for about 3 and a half minutes and then I watched an episode of Better Call Saul.

Now Im sitting here in work and I have an itchy bollix, don't know if I can last the day - its really ****ing annoying !!

Im thinking of popping down to the chemist, will vaseline do the job ?
or just normal moisturiser

Christ, it wasn't even that good - I dont know what the fuss is about !!!

Hapax Legomenon wrote: »

You did what?

He also got the sound wrong, should be Twit Twoo.

TomSweeney

great to see JohnnyFlash on here ... now if we can get the pintman paddy losty's words of wisdom ?

Kimbot

Rub a bit of vodka in after your shave and see how you get on

Boom_Bap

jonnycivic wrote: »

Rub a bit of vodka in after your shave and see how you get on

rubbing alcohol will give a better shine