Can't stop thinking about my ex from 10 years ago

LegacyUser

I broke up with my ex in my early 20's as he treated me terribly for the last 2 years of our relationship, we were together for 4 and a half years. He was my first love, the first year was perfect, he treated me like a queen and we were crazy about each other but we were both so young and I come from an abusive background so I had allot of insecurities and was extremely insecure, looking back - now in my early 30's I see my behaviour back then as controlling and even abusive at times.

He was also abusive towards me and really took the abuse to another level and treated me like dirt. Once the honeymoon phase ended his attitude changed towards me and it was no longer 'us' it was him keeping me around for sex and disrespecting me any chance he could get.
Despite this I was crazy about him although I knew I couldnt stay so I left the relationship and remained single for a number of years.
I did eventually meet someone else but this new relationship turned out to be a roller-coaster and I can only describe that ex as an utter bully, it was a relief to leave him. After him I dated a bit but despite choosing men that I wouldnt normally go for so as not to fall back into the same patterns the men always turned out to be controlling or spiteful or incredibly self centred. Trying to get a word in edgeways on some dates ive been on has been near impossible. The last date I had the guy continued to get my name wrong despite him adding me on facebook he even called me by the wrong name in a chat message - even though my name is clearly on the chat box. So ive given up on dating. I dont have the energy for it anymore.

Mean while my ex is in a long term relationship and im happy for him, im genuinely passive about it. Ive passed him on the street and felt nothing, like I was passing an acquaintance - no feelings whats so ever. Ive grown up a huge amount since then and im sure he has too, I dont harbour any bad feelings towards anything that he did back then - water under the bridge and I didnt handle myself perfectly either. We dont know each other anymore.

A few months ago I was out with friends and walked into the smoking area of the bar, I was looking for a friend and as I was looking around I caught my ex staring at me, I passed him, said hello and walked on. Last week I was walking in town and he drove past I caught him leaning over the steering wheel and staring at me through the passenger side window. Im not suggesting this means anything but I dont know.. could it mean something?
I dont know why lately I just cant get him out of my head, ive had dreams recently of us getting back together. I dont want to get back together with him, we would never work out anyway and id never go backwards, besides hes very settled with his partner.
My break up from him was one of the worst things ive ever felt myself go through, ive been through lots of hard times in my life such as deaths, illnesses, loneliness, losing people, failure etc ive not had a cushioned life in many regards but I always measure my grieve to that breakup - If I got through that, I can get through this. I didnt mean for this to be such a big rant and I realise how utterly pathetic this post is but if anyone can offer advice or opinions. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Why am I thinking about him so much? especially since our relationship was so awful.

Hi OP, are the thoughts a purely recent thing or have you been having thoughts about him since ye broke up?

Firstly, I din't think it's uncommon to think of past loves, but I had a time when I really couldn't "get over" someone. I thought about her constantly, I idolised her and idealised her. Eventually I had to re-examine what I was doing, why I was thinking so much of this person. I ended up thinking back over my past and realised I'd always had a tendency to become ultra focused on things. When I looked at that relationship I realised it co-incided with big changes in my life (father dying, leaving home) and I think I was focused on her so much to stop thinking about losing my father and leaving home in a short-ish period of time.

Is there anything you are avoiding thinking about, that this person distracts you from but is connected to?

There is a term for obsessive thinking about an ex called limerence, might be worth reading about? Anyhow, I'm no expert but it's a lousy place to be and I hope you resolve it soon. Good Luck!

WIZWEB

GetexOutOfMyHead wrote: »

?....he treated me terribly for the last 2 years of our relationship, we were together for 4 and a half years....

He was also abusive towards me and really took the abuse to another level and treated me like dirt. Once the honeymoon phase ended his attitude changed towards me and it was no longer 'us' it was him keeping me around for sex and disrespecting me any chance he could get....

Mean while my ex is in a long term relationship and im happy for him....

These points tell me enough that you need to stay well away from your ex.

Also consider counselling to work through childhood trauma that is attracting you to these types of people.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Hi OP, are the thoughts a purely recent thing or have you been having thoughts about him since ye broke up?

Firstly, I din't think it's uncommon to think of past loves, but I had a time when I really couldn't "get over" someone. I thought about her constantly, I idolised her and idealised her. Eventually I had to re-examine what I was doing, why I was thinking so much of this person. I ended up thinking back over my past and realised I'd always had a tendency to become ultra focused on things. When I looked at that relationship I realised it co-incided with big changes in my life (father dying, leaving home) and I think I was focused on her so much to stop thinking about losing my father and leaving home in a short-ish period of time.

Is there anything you are avoiding thinking about, that this person distracts you from but is connected to?

There is a term for obsessive thinking about an ex called limerence, might be worth reading about? Anyhow, I'm no expert but it's a lousy place to be and I hope you resolve it soon. Good Luck!

These thoughts are very recent, im not obsessed with him by any means, I know my post comes across that way but im really not. Im just feeling a bit nostalgic for that time in my life coupled with feeling disappointed in my romantic life over the past 10 years. I remember when I left him I was thinking there must be more to life than this and there has to be nicer men -- I guess I was young and naive because all the men ive encountered have been just as bad or worse for different reasons. I never really fell in love with anyone else or had a connection like it and im referring to the first year and a half/2 years of our relationship, before things got really bad. I think youre right though, he's just connected to whats really going on with me, its not about him at all really.

LegacyUser

WIZWEB wrote: »

These points tell me enough that you need to stay well away from your ex.

Also consider counselling to work through childhood trauma that is attracting you to these types of people.

I have no intentions of getting back with my ex or contacting him, I didnt say that anywhere in my post and ive been to counselling!

Neyite

GetexOutOfMyHeadOP wrote: »

Im just feeling a bit nostalgic for that time in my life coupled with feeling disappointed in my romantic life over the past 10 years. I remember when I left him I was thinking there must be more to life than this and there has to be nicer men -- I guess I was young and naive because all the men ive encountered have been just as bad or worse for different reasons.

Two things strike me here.

The first is the nostalgia. I don't think you miss him, but more likely you miss being in a (good) relationship - and since he was really your only relationship where you got a taste of how nice being in a relationship can feel so it's natural that you think back to the nice bits. There's sometimes a good dollop of rose-tinted glasses when we look back on those kind of relationships, but that usually evaporates when you've read up on abusive partners or talked to someone who knows their stuff about abusive relationships. Start with a book like this one.

Following on from that, it seems you are drawn to that type of man. You may meet different types of men who on the surface seem very different from your usual choice/ ex but that's surface and superficial and often just a different flavour of abuse that you don't immediately spot.

We are drawn subconsciously to familiar or similar traits- very often traits that we would have seen in the adults around us in our formative. For example, you've identified that anyone you've dated is inherently selfish. You've learned or been taught somewhere in your life that this is normal, maybe even attractive in a man. It might be initially come across being assertive, or charismatic or being a go-getter, which is why you are agreeing to date them, but scratch the surface that's a veneer for selfishness and thanks to your experiences with your ex you now spot those traits before long. That's good, but to really sort it, you need to do a little more work to retrain what you find attractive.

With counselling from someone who understands abusive relationship such as someone recommended by Womens Aid, you can fix that. . I did - through a mix of reading a lot of books (start with the one I linked above) and about 6 months of counselling. It's been life-changing for me, and that's honestly no understatement

LegacyUser

Weirdly I recently went through something similar where my ex of 10 years who I had occasional friendly whasapp contact with (although hadn't seen him in over 6 years) broke up from his long term gf of 5 years at Christmas and started trying to confide in me. Which led to a suggestion from him that we meet up at midnight on a Saturday night to chat and I was grossly offended as I have a boyfriend and was only trying to be nice. Fast forward 4 days and I'm in a bar with my now (wonderful) boyfriend and bump in to my ex sitting at the bar....

It's weird, I'm not a believer in a fate or destiny or anything that fruity but I think if 2 people think about each other enough it can lead to them running in to each other. I don't think it necessarily means anything other than that. In general people are exes for a reason. It's good to just move on without harbouring any negativity towards your ex. I'd leave it at that.

WIZWEB

WIZWEB wrote: »

These points tell me enough that you need to stay well away from your ex.

Also consider counselling to work through childhood trauma that is attracting you to these types of people.

GetexOutOfMyHeadOP wrote: »

I have no intentions of getting back with my ex or contacting him, I didnt say that anywhere in my post and ive been to counselling!

....and nowhere in my post did I suggest that you were getting back with him or contacting him!....

Stay away at an emotional and physical level. Do not engage with him in any way if he makes contact. You were in an abusive relationship with him and others according to points made in your first post.

Consider more counselling sessions perhaps with a different counsellor/psychotherapist this time. You should have been given tools previously to prevent reingagement in toxic relationships but you've several of them. Not a judgement just an observation. Been there did that!

CBT might also be of help so you can logically & emotionally distance yourself from this abuser. We sometimes have trauma bonds to our abusers combined with CPTSD that needs to be addressed. Otherwise we remain vulnerable (even years later) emotionally and psychologically to triggers like running into them.