Crap marriage

Spellchill

I’m in a crap marriage, my husband works away during the week and the weekends revolve around the kids.
He has no interest in me physically and I know he doesn’t find me attractive.
Should I sit quite and wait until the kids are older to see what’s in it for me?

MissShihTzu

Have you tried talking to him? (Your husband that is). How do you know all this?

Contessa Raven

There's not much information given. How long are you married? When did things change? How old are the children? Has he always worked away? Could there be someone else?

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Bottom line is; don't you feel like you deserve better?

I come from a "broken home" (hate that phrase) and I'm an only child. It was tough. I had no siblings to share my pain and no one to lean on when it was really bad. BUT I am SO HAPPY that my parents ended it rather than trudged along miserable for my sake. I ended up with two happy parents that could devote their time and energy to me rather than a pair of miserable, depressed, lethargic parents who found it hard to get through the day surrounded by the misery of an unhappy marriage.

You don't have to give answers to any of the above, btw. Just thinking out loud. All the best OP.

Spellchill

We’re together 20 years and married for 12. Things have never been great, we were never a liv

There's not much information given. How long are you married? When did things change? How old are the children? Has he always worked away? Could there be someone else?

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Bottom line is; don't you feel like you deserve better?

I come from a "broken home" (hate that phrase) and I'm an only child. It was tough. I had no siblings to share my pain and no one to lean on when it was really bad. BUT I am SO HAPPY that my parents ended it rather than trudged along miserable for my sake. I ended up with two happy parents that could devote their time and energy to me rather than a pair of miserable, depressed, lethargic parents who found it hard to get through the day surrounded by the misery of an unhappy marriage.

You don't have to give answers to any of the above, btw. Just thinking out loud. All the best OP.

Spellchill

We’re together 20 years and married for 12. Things have never been amazing, we were young and foolish for a few years, I’m older and wiser now.
He has always preferred his nights out with the lads and has no interest at all in sex.
He swears he has never been unfaithful and I kinda believe him. I feel he is too lazy to have a relationship with anybody.
But I’m 45 now and I have hardly had sex in the last 10 years.
So, do I put up with this? Is it normal for couples not to have sex.
Anytime I have tried to spice things up I always get knocked back...there’s always an excuse not to have sex!

There's not much information given. How long are you married? When did things change? How old are the children? Has he always worked away? Could there be someone else?

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Bottom line is; don't you feel like you deserve better?

I come from a "broken home" (hate that phrase) and I'm an only child. It was tough. I had no siblings to share my pain and no one to lean on when it was really bad. BUT I am SO HAPPY that my parents ended it rather than trudged along miserable for my sake. I ended up with two happy parents that could devote their time and energy to me rather than a pair of miserable, depressed, lethargic parents who found it hard to get through the day surrounded by the misery of an unhappy marriage.

You don't have to give answers to any of the above, btw. Just thinking out loud. All the best OP.

Spellchill

We had councilling a few ago, I was put on antidepressants around the same time for an anxiety disorder brought on by my bad marriage.

I have finally decided that I need to stay medicated to put up with his crap or I come off the meds and let him deal with my crap.. which will certainly lead to me leaving the marriage!

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Have you tried talking to him? (Your husband that is). How do you know all this?

December2012

Could your hisband be gay? It’s unusual to be celibate for 10 years. Are you faithful? If so it’s possible

Your marriage sounds unloving - is it loving? You sound lonely.
Do you have friends or an outlet?

Maybe go for some marriage counselling on your own if he won’t go. Give yourself a time line. Speak with a lawyer. And if things done improve, separate.

WIZWEB

I'd definitely consider the counselling alone as suggested. I would suggest sitting down and having a serious conversation. If the issue cannot be resolved then if it suits you both then perhaps an open relationship could be considered. If that doesn't suit then breaking up is the only way to get your needs met. The children will be adjust after a time. Otherwise they'll eventually pick up on the issues as they age which will give them a poor template for their own adult relationships.

MissShihTzu

December2012 wrote: »

Could your hisband be gay? It’s unusual to be celibate for 10 years. Are you faithful? If so it’s possible

Your marriage sounds unloving - is it loving? You sound lonely.
Do you have friends or an outlet?

Maybe go for some marriage counselling on your own if he won’t go. Give yourself a time line. Speak with a lawyer. And if things done improve, separate.

Bit of a stretch to suggest the guy's gay, isn't it? Plenty of marriages are celibate for lots of reasons. Could be illness, definitely low sex drive (as far as I can see in the OP), tiredness (Husband works away), stress (definitely from the OP). It does not necessarily mean the guy is gay!!

What the OP needs to do is find out WHY her husband is apparently not interested in her. She needs to have a think about what she wants - put in on paper if it helps, and try to have a conversation about it.

Counselling will definitely help. I think the OP should go alone at first, to sort out her feelings.

If all else fails? Then she should leave the relationship. No point in hanging on if there is nothing to save.

December2012

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Bit of a stretch to suggest the guy's gay, isn't it? Plenty of marriages are celibate for lots of reasons. Could be illness, definitely low sex drive (as far as I can see in the OP), tiredness (Husband works away), stress (definitely from the OP). It does not necessarily mean the guy is gay!!

What the OP needs to do is find out WHY her husband is apparently not interested in her. She needs to have a think about what she wants - put in on paper if it helps, and try to have a conversation about it.

I suggested that being gay might be a possibility because it is unusual that an otherwise healthy young person (given that health wasn't mentioned) would have no sex drive at all and would not seek to resolve the situation. It is not the only reason, but it is a possible reason.

The OP cannot find out why if the husband doesn't engage in the process. I hope he will.

I hope he is not gay, and the intimacy and love can be found. or they can heal and end and go on and find love with somebody else.

Pluto Planet

OP have you asked why he doesn't want to have sex with you?

wiggle16

With respect, there is no reason to think that the OP's husband is gay. Being gay wouldn't make him any more capable of tolerating a celibate lifestyle than anyone else - the implicit premise therefore is that he must be getting sex somewhere else, but again that doesn't have any bearing on the likelihood of him getting sex from women or from men. That's very much a 2 + 2 = 5, I think. Some men truly are lazy enough not to be bothered looking for sex.

OP, you've said yourself you're inclined to believe him when he says he has not cheated - since you have no other reason to think that he has, I wouldn't go tying myself up in knots about fidelity. It's not the main issue anyway. Even if he has been perfectly faithful, it clearly hasn't prevented your marriage going stale.

No, although it's all too common, this sort of situation is not normal: but you already know that. You are in a marriage where the love has gone and even though you have tried to spice things up and get the spark back, he has rebuffed you. Unfortunately I think that's your answer from his end.

You shouldn't need medication in order to stay with someone, and if this relationship is taking such a toll on your health then you know you cannot stay. Kids are also not a good enough reason to stay in a situation like this. Contessa Raven's reply above spells this out perfectly - it's no life to live. I would agree with the above to get counselling alone for yourself, it sounds like you could do with it. Obviously I'd encourage you to talk to your husband ad see if you can both work it out but from what you've said it doesn't sound like there is an awful lot you can do to save it.

You could spend the rest of your life trying to figure out the exact reasons why it turned out like this, but that won't change anything, so again, don't dwell on whether or not he's been faithful, because it's not the problem. It sounds like yous just fell out of love.

Talk to him, and get some counselling. I hope it works out for you OP, whatever you decide to do x

ASISEEIT

No Offence but Op is still vague
Lots of marriages go through no sex periods because of kids stress etc. However you are-you both are entitled to a sex life.
You need to talk to the man you know well-your husband. Tell him your problems. Then suggest counselling-actually insist on it . The only way I would turn down counselling is if he has a plan to resolve issues.
These issues have obviously been rattling around your head for awhile years. Be patient with him. He might not have been thinking about it at all. Tell him your issues and then give him a month to come back to you.