Advice Needed

Robinson1978

I've been living with my partner and her seventeen-year-old daughter for over a year. In general all is very well at home, yet one major problem is her daughter's tendency to assume that she can bring her friends home on a daily basis without consulting either her mother or me beforehand.

Recently her daughter has commenced a relationship with someone who is at our home on an almost daily basis. I have made it clear that the frequency with which the boyfriend visits her home, and the amount of time he spends here is unacceptable to me. However, my partner fails to see why this should be a problem for me and reacts with anger and sarcasm when I try to find a solution to the issue.

Let me be very clear: I have no issue with the daughter's friends or boyfriend visiting occasionally, but I do have a problem with how often such visits happen. This has been my family home for over thirty years.

Am I being unreasonable here? Thanks in advance.

echo beach

The best place for a teenager to socialise with their friends is their own home. The parents know where they are. They are safe and you know what they are up to. It is better than street corners, open areas or pubs, which is where she will go if she can’t have her friends around.
It is a time when you feel that your home isn’t your own and you have no privacy but it passes quickly. In a year or two she will either have moved out or will have a wider range of places to go with her friends. For now it is reasonable to seek a compromise. Get to know her friends. You may have more in common than you think. If you have the space, clear out a room or the attic for them to use. If not, try to agree how often her friends can call.

When mine were that age our house felt like a train station and it drove me mad but now I miss the youthful energy and would happily swop with you!

Robinson1978

echo beach wrote: »

The best place for a teenager to socialise with their friends is their own home. The parents know where they are. They are safe and you know what they are up to. It is better than street corners, open areas or pubs, which is where she will go if she can’t have her friends around.
It is a time when you feel that your home isn’t your own and you have no privacy but it passes quickly. In a year or two she will either have moved out or will have a wider range of places to go with her friends. For now it is reasonable to seek a compromise. Get to know her friends. You may have more in common than you think. If you have the space, clear out a room or the attic for them to use. If not, try to agree how often her friends can call.

When mine were that age our house felt like a train station and it drove me mad but now I miss the youthful energy and would happily swop with you!

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I can see why my partner has more peace of mind when her daughter is at home. I would like to find a compromise but my partner is seemingly in favour of unrestricted visits and stays while I find that completely unacceptable.

Lackey

Robinson1978 wrote: »

This has been my family home for over thirty years.

Do they get a family home? Or are they lodgers?
Sorry to pick up on this one line but it stands out a mile.....

Once they are in another room ...not bothering anybody and clean up after themselves, then really all she is doing is what every other teenager does.....living their life in THEIR FAMILY home.

lazygal

It sounds like you don't think this is the daughter's home, but yours to dictate what happens. I really hope you revise your mindset. I'd rather every friend coming to our house that not knowing where my teenagers were.
I think there is more to this than the friends. It sounds like you resent her being there at all and the friends thing is something you've honed in on.

ironwalk

Oh dear.
Sounds like there are lots of simmering resentments going on here. Yours, your partners and the 17y.o.

First off, while it may have been your home for many years, it is now the home of this child/young woman.
Like every 17y.o. she is trying to expand the boundaries, as she enters adulthood. Her new boyfriend is probably the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, like, ever. And she wants to see him, every day. If I was her parent, I'd want that happening in my house, where I can set the tone for the level of interaction and respect that she has with him.

Second: "However, my partner fails to see why this should be a problem for me and reacts with anger and sarcasm when I try to find a solution to the issue." Not really possible to know why there is anger and sarcasm.... are you listening to the mum's reasons why she is ok with her daughter's boyfriend being in her home? Or, is your partner disrespectful of your role in the family?

Third: the amount of time he spends here is unacceptable to me You have every right to feel uncomfortable; you have every right to express this. Are you expressing it respectfully, given that your family home, is also the family home of other people? Are they listening to you and your concerns? What is so unacceptable to you?

Hard to give you good advice without more detail.

I recognise your name from other forums and my advice would be to be aware that you have been stressed for the last number of months and to make sure you don’t just react badly to this situation as a result. It can be easy when stressed out to explode over something that is a non issue. Take a step back and it may help you see this is very minor and solvable. Even if there is one agreed no visitor day like a Friday would that help? What is it about his visits that annoys you are they in the same room as you are what?