Get her ex(es) out of my head

LegacyUser

I recently met the most amazing woman and we have been going out for 5 wonderful months. We're completely in love and, despite some logisitcal complications with work and children, everything is great. However, I have a problem and I need to work thnrough/around it or risk doing serious damage to this relationship.

I've only had one proper relationship before, lasting from 19 to almost 40. There were a lot of things right in the relationship but so much wrong, particularly on a physical level. Sex as dull, monotonous, unadventurous, soul-destroying in the end. I came out of the whole thing a virtual virgin for amount and variety of sex I'd had.

She ended a 10-year relationship a couple of years back and I don't know or care how many others she has had. The difference in our experiences does kind of gnaw at me though, and I feel embarrassed at having no interesting or funny experiences to recount.

One of the many things I love about her is her tendency to speak freely and frankly and this in turn allows me to do the same, something I was never able to do previously. She's from a culture that's much more open and casual about sex than I am and thinks nothing of mentioning previous encounters.

So one night, while trying to pay me a compliment in a roundabout way which I, as a man, managed to take badly. This is a bit graphic so bear with me... She was tied to the headboard, face up, me ****ing her mouth. It was a hugely erotic experience for me and as we were lying in bed later she was saying how it had really turned her on, most unlike when her ex used to do it. "Most black guys have big cocks and his was huge, so he used to almost choke me with it and not care how it made me feel". I felt about a foot tall immediately.

It took her a moment to understand how her saying something nice about me kind of destroyed me and she's done everything she can since to reassure me that there's absolutely nothing to worry or be jealous about. Despite her best efforts, when I'm alone, the image just keeps popping into my head and all these doubts and insecurities come flooding in.

There were a couple of other times when she mentioned previous encounters and I've never quite been able to figure out why she mentioned them. The simplest answer is just making conversation I guess but of course my mind has a thousand other alternatives. For instance she mentioned getting fisted a couple of time (an interesting experience, not sure I'd do it again) and having a triple orgasm (very intense, impossible to describe). I have loads of questions about the former and would very much like to be in a position to replicate the latter although I get the feeling I'm not physically equipped to do so. I've tried tentatively working around the question but I think I've ****ed up and done the one thing I didn't want to and make her feel less than comfortable opening up.

She knows I have these issues of jealousy and insecurity now and I can't seem to either push the images out of my head or just face it and deal with it. I hate myself for what is surely a really immature reaction. Ego, jealousy and insecurity are all really new things to me. She would love to help me work through it and she is fantastic in reassuring me and, as honest as she is, I have no doubt that she is more than satisified with our sex life.

So I've rambled a lot and not really come to the point, if I even have one. I guess I have to address the following somehow:

- how to get beyond the mental images
- how to truly convince myself that a woman who has had much bigger men can be satisifed with a smaller penis
- whether or not to pursue all the questions I have with regards to sex acts. I'm not particularly pushed about fisting either way but I can't get away from that nagging sense of having to accomplish everything that other guys have which, writing it down, seems like the most ridiculous thing ever
- how to deal with this male ego thing of needing to feel like the best lover she's ever had
- how not to ruin the open communication we have

I guess for the second question I'd really like to hear honest feedback from men and women on both sides of the issue. Not some trite "size doesn't matter" - even the most honest, scientific response is unfortunately not going to persuade my mind to accept that at face value.

racso1975

A lot going on for you op even username you picked is indicative of your mood.

The only thing I can say op is, from experience, there are 2 types of people those that can hear somebody's past sexual experience and be OK and those who can't. You are obviously in the later. The part that is difficult for you is that you are not seeking this info. Most ask then can't handle it.

If she is with you 5 months she obviously enjoys all parts of the relationship. However the road of insecurities you are going down can a relationship.

Something you need to just think about every person is a different shape and size in relation to sex organs. There is nothing you can do to change that but the fact she is with you means she enjoys it.

The example you gave above was of somebody who out for their own needs and didn't care about hers.

Making a list is stupid and childish why not talk to her about something she has never done and try doing a first with her.

Best of luck

Tigger99

I thought from the thread title this would be another thread from an insecure person unable to get their head around the fact their partner had ex's.

This thread is not it. What a horrible cruel insensitive thing to do to repeatedly bring up sex life with ex's, never mind mentioning their huge penis's. For **** sake no wonder you are feeling insecure.

I'm actually quite angry reading this. If I treated a bloke like she treats you I'd fully expect him to leave. So what if ye mostly get on if she's that completely insensitive.

By the way it's one thing being from a culture where you are open about sex and what you'd like to do to your partner. It's another thing to bring up ex's behaviour in the bedroom. Is she very insecure herself deep down, and is trying to make you jealous?

I'd suggest telling her that what she is saying bothers you as you don't want to hear about the sex life she had with other guys. Her reaction will tell you a lot.

Also you mention your ego. We all want to feel we are pleasuring our partner and they aren't constantly comparing us to previous people. You aren't feeling anything abnormal or unusual here. In fact a loving partner should go out of their way to make their partner comfortable. She's doing the opposite.

Neyite

It's actually quite disrespectful of her to go into graphic details with you - for her previous partners I mean. They have a right that their private life remain private and not be described to people they don't know. If you break up, is she going to add you her repertoire of sex stories to regale the next bloke with?

While your jealousy is yours alone to control, I find it incredibly childish and immature of her and I'd suspect she's a head-melter if she knows you struggle with jealousy and volunteers all this stuff about her ex's unprompted. Even a non jealous person would struggle with it I think.

I know my partner has had previous partners, and vice versa. I could not tell you a single thing that they did in bed. Because a) it's not my business and b) I would think FAR less of him if he was telling me private and personal stuff about a woman who trusted him with that stuff in the past and c) I don't really want to know so I don't get those kind of images in my head!

She wants to help you? A good start would be for her to STFU about previous partners. It is possible to talk openly about what you'd like to try in bed, or what you don't like, without describing what she did with Gary/Brian and the size of their knobs.

woodchuck

Maybe you have some insecurities, but your girlfriend is way out of line going into such graphic detail! Maybe it is a cultural thing... but I think you should let her know that while you're happy to talk openly about past relationships and like/dislikes in the bedroom, that you (understandably!) don't feel comfortable getting all the graphic details!!

LegacyUser

I don't know if it's my description or reading between the lines but any suggestion of deliberately winding me up or deep seated insecurities on her part couldn't be further off the mark.

It started out with a frank discussion of what things we liked, didn't like and would/wouldn't like to try. So those other things came up, inevitably. Maybe I should have shut down the conversation if I wasn't able to handle hearing some things but what's done is done.

She had recognised that she made a mistake with the more specific incident with the ex and that she probably wouldn't be super cool with it if I said something similar. It's like it didn't occur to her that the particular detail would affect me. Anyway, again, what's done is done and I'm really more about moving past it and dealing with my own issue. It's not as though I wouldn't have been unaware of my relative shortcoming anyway, so to speak, you kind of know you're on a hiding to nothing in certain situations.

IHeartShoes

BigBootsToFill wrote: »

I don't know if it's my description or reading between the lines but any suggestion of deliberately winding me up or deep seated insecurities on her part couldn't be further off the mark.

It started out with a frank discussion of what things we liked, didn't like and would/wouldn't like to try. So those other things came up, inevitably. Maybe I should have shut down the conversation if I wasn't able to handle hearing some things but what's done is done.

She had recognised that she made a mistake with the more specific incident with the ex and that she probably wouldn't be super cool with it if I said something similar. It's like it didn't occur to her that the particular detail would affect me. Anyway, again, what's done is done and I'm really more about moving past it and dealing with my own issue. It's not as though I wouldn't have been unaware of my relative shortcoming anyway, so to speak, you kind of know you're on a hiding to nothing in certain situations.

Hey there, I can speak to the size difference so here’s my experience for what it’s worth.

My most recent partner was very well endowed. Well above average in my experience. Sex was good. But not great. It was a bit monotonous for my liking, amongst other shortcomings apart from the physical of course. Without getting graphic, I’m responsive so it was always satisfactory, so to speak. However, a previous partner was less well endowed. Than any other I’ve had experience of. However, sex with him remains the best I’ve had some years later. It’s not because I felt more for him or any of the fuzzy stuff. It’s simply because it was mind blowing. Lack of length or girth did not impede his performance. Not one teeny tiny bit. He didn’t have to compensate with anything else either. An adequate or average size delivered a well above average performance.

Hope that helps answer the size question.

I have no issue with questions related to sex. Shows enthusiasm and willingness to learn (including about the person) and who doesn’t love that?

As for the mental images? Can’t really help you there except to say that 5 months later, she is happy and satisfied. Why question that? She clearly doesn’t.

Try and get out of your head.

Be happy:)

IHS

leggo

OP sorry, your post took a twist where you laid out your lack of experience and reason for feeling how you do...then started making excuses for her (her culture), then laid out a scenario where she was completely in the wrong.

I think the only thing your lack of experience is showing is in not being able to recognise this as head melting behaviour.

Can I hazard a guess here? She's Brazilian or Latin American (I've heard the 'culture' excuse used with other guys I know when girls from here do this kind of stuff, see also: 'passionate')? She's gorgeous? She's way above the standard you'd used to be dating?

She knows what she's doing. She said that to get into your head. Sometimes headwreckers will try take a partner's confidence down a peg or two (it's called 'negging', a negative compliment, in this case “my partner’s penis was so much bigger than yours and it made sex bad”) so it keeps them feeling 'lucky' to be with them, based off their own insecurities.

You're not the problem here. If she does it again, tell her it's disrespectful to talk about that. If she plays the "it's my culture" line, tell her it's disrespectful in your culture. If you find yourself at an impasse where she's like "this is who I am you need to accept it", what she's actually communicating is "I don't respect you enough to treat you the way you want to be treated, and I know you're not leaving so I'm going to continue to act unacceptably to see how much I can get away with." Bringing up how big your ex's penis was (especially comparatively) isn't a necessary part of a relationship. It's a tiny compromise to make to respect your partner if you care about how they feel. So if she pushes back on that, now you know what it means and you need to evaluate how you feel.

Or you can ignore this because she's gorgeous and extremely sexual and end up back here in a couple of months as the situation is getting worse.

osarusan

Hopefully she has made just some stupid tactless comments without intending to hurt you, and upon realising they did, will not make those kinds of comments again. That's maybe a bit too hopeful, as it's hard to believe that anybody, no matter how open they are, would be taking about (and effectively comparing) the size of an ex-partner's penis, triple orgasms, and so on, without realising the impact it would have on, and insecurity it could cause in, their current partner.

If the comments continue, or other conversations of a similar nature, then you'll have to ask yourself why she keeps doing that, now that she knows how you feel about it.

The idea though, that it is something she would love to help you to work on, is a bit worrying, in terms of perspectives on where the issue is here.

Anyway hopefully it won't continue, and you can put it down to a very clumsy comment, which she recognises was inappopriate, and focus on the fact that she is with you now, because she wants to be, and you are confident that she is very satisfied with your sex life.

The Princess Bride

I only have one different thing to say OP.
If these men were so wonderful sexually with her, how come she's not still with them?
In some ways, they as a couple must have had some incompatibilities and she's with you now.

For what it's worth, in my opinion, it's incredibly juvenile to be talking about previous sexual experiences with a new partner.

Who knows.
Perhaps she did the same in her other relationships and that's why those ended?

I also don't see you as either jealous or insecure by the way.
Merely normal.

Airyfairy12

Is she trying to make you jealous? I dont believe for a second that she's naive enough to think theres nothing wrong with sharing intimate details with you about her ex's .. and straight after sex too and disguised as a complement, what a nasty b!!ch. Sorry OP but you need to get a back bone, stop making excuses for her and blaming yourself. You felt that way for a reason and she put those thoughts/insecurities in your head.. intentionally by the sounds of it. Take it slow with her, she may not be as wonderful as you think she is. This would be a major red flag for me and potentially a sign of things to come in the future.

facehugger99

BigBootsToFill wrote: »

There were a couple of other times when she mentioned previous encounters and I've never quite been able to figure out why she mentioned them.

I can help.

She's an immature head-wrecker who enjoys yanking your chain for her own amusement.

I wouldn't have any time for someone like this. You can either ignore it or dump her.

justfillmein

there's a lot in your post, but really what stands out for me is that you said
'as honest as she is, I have no doubt that she is more than satisfied with our sex life'.
that should be the bottom line!


you are together 5 months so you know this woman, and you would know if she was happy with you.

I feel like what she said to you was a compliment. I really do.
I get that you felt smaller than the ex, but so what. she said it was better with YOU.

with woman, your performance will be measured on how you make her FEEL when you are together.
she said her ex didnt care how she felt doing that with him.
she didnt enjoy it with him.

she did with you though!

try pick yourself up from this and realize that you are her stud;)

justfillmein

but maybe have a gentle word with her and tell her you don't want to hear anything more about the ex's.
she sounds like (by your account) she is easy to talk to, so i'm sure she'll understand:)

Pluto Planet

Bottom line is this, there well always be men who are better lovers, with bigger dicks, better looking, taller etc. Who cares, that statement applies to everyone, just focus on enjoying your shory time on this planet

Augme

Strikes me as a good time to deal with your insecurities. Asking her not to mention past experiences etc will help, but strikes me as it is just a way of trying to bury your issues and avoid confronting them. Personally, I'd have no issue with what your girlfriend said. It wouldn't phase me. Probably because I'm not worried about the size of my dick.

peckerhead

What a ridiculously unhelpful humblebrag. Why not post a picture? :rolleyes:

OP, something doesn't compute for me in the following:

BigBootsToFill wrote: »

she was saying (...) "Most black guys have big cocks and his was huge, so he used to almost choke me with it and .....".

(...) she mentioned getting fisted a couple of time (an interesting experience, not sure I'd do it again) and having a triple orgasm (very intense, impossible to describe).

(...) she is fantastic in reassuring me and, as honest as she is, I have no doubt that she is more than satisified with our sex life.

Yeah, that's why she mentions the BBC guy and the 'indescribable' fisting orgasms her previous partners gave her.

I'm with the posters above who see this as deliberate head games. I can't see how these kind of comments or their timing are benign, or calculated to do anything other than make you feel inadequate. While I agree that it's important not to fixate on this and let it become your own insecurity, I'd also be distinctly wary as to your girlfriend's motives.

Big Bag of Chips

You have a right to put boundaries in your own relationship, and if you are not happy listening to her regale you with tales of her exes, then that is perfectly reasonable. She should respect your wishes on this. If she gets funny about it or ignores your request then maybe you need to consider that wonderful as she is, you're not exactly compatible. And you don't have to put up with it if it's something that makes you unhappy.

Katgurl

Nothing more to add to what previous posters have said; your girlfriend sounds highly immature at best, nasty and manipulative at worst.

Regarding the size issue, I have had a variety of partners myself and one of the worst was a bloke with an enormous cock. Having him hammering away on top of me oblivious to my pleasure was no fun. Your sex life sounds fantastic. Enjoy.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who replied. It's kind of reassuring to see answers that match up with both the little voices in my head saying opposite things.

So we had a long talk the other night. She said she was really sorry again for making me feel ****ty about the size issue but at the time absolutely didn't imagine that I had any sort of complex and that for her penis size was not a benefit any more than having big lips or red hair or whatever, just a detail and the point of her telling me that was the complete opposite of what I took from it.

As regards the other issues, she pointed out that it was me who asked and she just answered honestly and briefly. She's not wrong, the exchange went something like
"have you ever had a vaginal orgasm?"
"One time, it was actually a triple orgasm"
"oh, what was that like?"
"very intense, impossible to describe"
End of exchange, me with 1000 other questions I want to ask but don't necessarily want to hear the answer to...

Anyway, it was good to clear the air and set the record straight.

pickarooney

OP, how exactly did these things come up in conversation? Were you having dinner and she just suddenly came out with 'one time, at band camp, I got fisted' or is it possible that you asked a question, got an answer you maybe weren't expecting and couldn't handle it?

It's a dangerous game. Sometimes you find out you're not as worldly or open minded as you thought. I've seen something like this totally blow up on a couple playing that board game whose name I can't remember where the girl asked the guy if he'd ever been with a prostitute. The pause that followed was one of the most awful things I've ever witnessed and they didn't last long afterwards.

It might be of no relevance and if she's just randomly popping out with explicit anecdotes she might have some filter problem that you may need to ask her to look at or simply accept. If she is trying to make you feel bad for whatever reason (you said something that hurt her without realising it and instead of pulling you on it she retaliates...) you need to get that sorted quickly. And obviously, do not do the same thing here and mention that your ex wasn't so fat or whatever!

Just talk. What's the worst outcome?

justfillmein

pickarooney wrote: »

It's a dangerous game. Sometimes you find out you're not as worldly or open minded as you thought. I've seen something like this totally blow up on a couple playing that board game whose name I can't remember where the girl asked the guy if he'd ever been with a prostitute. The pause that followed was one of the most awful things I've ever witnessed and they didn't last long afterwards.

that's definitely true.
however we all have our different levels of tolerances, and we cant always be prepared for some of the things we might hear.
you might ask a question, but you have no control over how exactly it's going to be answered.

it sounds here like op was having a very open conversation about what they maybe both(?) like.
I think a lot of couples do this.
it's not about disrespecting a previous partner, but more about sharing your own past experiences.

it's doesn't sound like the gf was bragging, but rather that they were having an open discussion, and something hit a nerve with op.

best thing to do in that situation is to speak to the partner (which op has done) and explain, that although you(or anyone else) asked the questions, it was something that didn't sit right with you for A,B,C reasons.
thats how you will grow in your relationship.



if she was to continue saying things you didn't like after this point, then you would need to look into why she's doing it. for now though, it doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong.

Tigger99

So her telling you about their huge penis's just a detail. Mmm. I suspect if you mentioned a woman with the most beautiful body ever and said Oh it's just a detail, she would be equally unhappy.

justfillmein

yeah but trigger, if it was said that the ex had the most amazing body in the world, but was like riding a corpse in bed, it would the same as here.

fact is, that the sex wasn't great, so why compare yourself to that at all.
i'm a woman and i wouldn't for half a second be intimidated by this model of a woman if he told me he didn't enjoy they're sex. AND if he told me in that same sentence that he loved sex with me.

tbh if it was a new relationship, me being me, I wouldn't believe a word of it lol;). however this is a 5month relationship and the op has said that communication is a strong point for them. so It sounds like she was genuinely trying to explain how she felt, and it was a compliment to the op.


sounds like a fun night too, before the 'compliment':cool:

pickarooney

Not necessarily even an amazing body, as that's a subjective judgement, but huge tits, say. A woman with small breasts might instinctively read it as a negative comparison but the guy might also not be particularly fussed about size over shape.

justfillmein

What if that lady with small breasts was amazing at giving a bj.
Would it be right for her to compare herself to a stranger with huge tits??

Know your strengths

runningbuddy

facehugger99 wrote: »

I can help.

She's an immature head-wrecker who enjoys yanking your chain for her own amusement.

I wouldn't have any time for someone like this. You can either ignore it or dump her.

This. Word for word.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

I'm just in shock that any person (man or woman) would ever refer to previous sexual encounters to make a comparison with their partner.

Besides everything that's already been said and separate from the dig, or compliment or size reference that you were supposed to or not supposed to take offence to... She is COMPARING you to her previous partners. Openly.

I like to think I am in a happy and healthy relationship. I have never once compared the experiences I enjoy with my boyfriend to ones that I have had with exes...not even to myself, let alone to him. You are feeling this way because she's now put you on guard that she's making those comparisons.

I'd just be careful there, sounds like very passive manipulation kicking in. tread carefully x