Brother estranging himself from family

LegacyUser

I'm just looking for advice as to how to cope with this situation as well as trying to provide support to my family.
I have a 30 year old younger brother who is estranging himself from the family. He lives at home. Has a stable job albeit low paid. He has had bouts of going on binge drinking sessions with his friends in the past, disappearing for days on end etc but has always come home. He has always turned up for work too. All relatively normal for a young lad in his early 20s but its still going on at 30.

He is very immature. He treats my parents like crap. He throws parties in the house when my parents are not there. He doesnt clean up after them. He has had numerous rows with my parents but they usually relent to keep the peace. He is flying to Australia in 10 days for work and wont be back until November. He has moved out of my parents house in the past 2 weeks and is refusing to talk to any of us, after he had a huge house party a few weeks back and left the place in a mess. He feels that the world is out to get him and has huge anger issues but refuses to address them. He is not communicating with any of us and it is breaking my parents hearts now that he is going to go to Australia without even saying goodbye. We had a family meal booked in a restaurant for next Saturday and we know now he wont turn up. My mam is crying all the time. I dont know how to support her and I dont know how I can try get my brother to see sense and grow up.

Has anyone had any experience of a sibling behaving this way? I dont even know how to explain this to my daughter. She is 2 and obviously doesnt know whats going on but when she goes to her Nana's, she is looking for her uncle.

Tenigate

Op you come across as a bit judgemental of your brother. You probably are genuinely concerned but it sounds like the guy just needs to trash out his own path.

My biggest regret of going abroad was keeping so much in touch with family to the point it was daily phonecalls, and falling back into the same sorry routines upon returning home.

So give the guy some space. If he returns home in a few months penniless, well that's when he'll need understanding from his family. For now he's probably better off doing his own thing.

Airyfairy12

Your post is coming across a bit dramatic. Estranged would insinuate someone who cut off all contact for years or long term alienation. I havnt heard from my older sibling since Christmas and wont hear from him again till when ever he decides to visit our parents which could literally be months from now. You sound like you have a very close family unit - you go for meals together and you all keep in regular touch, this is lovely and im sure lots of people wish they had that closeness and connection in their own families but there seems to be another side to this were your family goes into meltdown when someone tries to carve their own path. Maybe if your brother was treated like an adult he would act like one. It is very common for 30+ year olds to continue drinking/having fun - not everyone is built to settle down by a certain age, he's entitled to have fun even at the ripe old age of 30. That said id have drawn the line at trashing the house and would have told him to get his own place.

Rubberchikken

He doese sound immature and a bit selfish and thoughtless tbh.
At 30 id expect someone to attempt to be more tolerant towards others. To tidy up if he insists on his parties in the family home. To realise that yes its great to be going abroad but that leaving good memories behind is worthwhile.
What if it was the last time he saw a family member? Does he want fighting/arguing/pettiness to be whats remembered?
Op you can only do so much. You could spell out to him what a nitwit he is and hope he sees sense or you can let go. Only you can decide. Good luck

WIZWEB

Sounds like he's finally unwillingly put his big boy pants on. He's an opportunity to take responsibility for all his actions now. Bending over backwards to accommodate his needs hasn't worked in the past. He will get in contact when it suits him. Just like everything else he does in life. Your parents need to let him act like an adult and just wave him off at the airport. Enjoy the peace.

Teyla Emmagan

You can't force people to behave in a way they don't want to behave OP. I am sorry your Mam is so upset but you cannot make your brother do anything, he will have to cop on himself. If he goes to Australia without saying goodbye then that's on him and he will need to handle the fallout that results from his actions. He sounds like a complete tool by the way, I would be encouraging your parents to enjoy the reprieve from his behaviour if I were you.

Clickbait

Your brother needs to grow up. He's off sulking because he's not happy with the reaction from throwing a party. Let him off.

Rebecca Gilligan

Hi OP,

Your brother going to Australia is probably the best thing for you all right now. He needs some space and has probably been living a sheltered life so far, not having to do things himself. In the real world, his behaviour won't be tolerated and he'll learn that pretty quickly. You have to accept that his decisions are his own and just have fate that things will right themselves. Really, there's not much else you can do and pushing him to act another way will just push him away.

irishgrover

No offense but your brother sounds like an ungrateful, immature and spoiled tool. It also sounds like his family have been facilitating his behavior.
Hopefully a few months living independently and being responsible for his actions and his upkeep might help him mature.
He is an adult, in the end he can do what he wants, but it sounds like your parents have facilitated his disrespectful lifestyle.
Suggest to your parents that is sad and selfish that he is currently sulking, but that the independence of having to look after himself well be good for him, and everyone, in the long run