Tinder: Connecting but not conversing

LegacyUser

Hi,

I've had a Tinder account for about 2 and a half years. I have a decent profile. I get a decent amount of matches. However I rarely talk to any of them.

I find myself making excuses:

"I can't talk to them right after matching with them - I should give it 24 hours"
"I'm not really in the mood for a conversation now - I'll give wait until tomorrow"
"On second thoughts I'm not that attracted to her"
"She looks like she'd be a lot taller than me actually"
...A week passes.....
"Oh well it's too late now..I'd better just delete the connection"

Basically I look for excuses NOT to strike up a conversation. This goes on for a few weeks until I delete the app altogether before re-installing it several months down the line and the cycle continues.

Lately I don't even "Like" anyone anymore. I find myself going on it and just rejecting people until I find someone that I'm interested in. Then rather then "Like" them I just turn the app off and restart it so that it shows me someone else instead. Weird right?

A number of years ago I used plenty of fish quite a bit and went on a lot of dates as a result. The format of that suited me better as I was able to write long messages and space out the correspondence. I really don't like IMing a complete stranger about whom you usually have very little information (most girls have empty profiles) Unfortunately plenty of fish appears a bit dead now. It seems like everyone's on Tinder.

I'm not even sure what the purpose of this post is really. I guess if anyone can empathise and advise then that'd be cool.

jimbobalob309

doesn't sound like tinder suits you at all then. so why bother with it? far as im aware there's no rule that says you have to be there!

LegacyUser

good question. The reason I keep coming back to it is because I don't really know what else to do.
I work in a male dominated environment and I don't really know any women apart from my friend's wive and girlfriends. I've tired doing some activities, half in the hope that I might meet someone. I've even gone speed dating in the past.

My biggest problem is that I'm an introvert with a case of minor social anxiety, especially when it comes to meeting new people. I remember finding it tough, for example when I first started college and work but in both cases once I got to know people I got over it. It's just the initial part that I have trouble with - which is basically the bit that you need to be good at if you want to get out there and meet new people in your 30's.

So yeah, because of the above online dating is both ideal and not ideal. I find Tinder particularly tough as it starts off with IMing someone in a conversation-like format which i find overly familiar with a total stranger. The thing is though that the vast amount of singles appear to be using this app rather than anything else so it's basically the only show in town so I think I just need to get to use it in a way that makes me feel more comfortable somehow.

Airyfairy12

Seems a bit navlegazery. If youre not into Tinder then dont use it, whats the problem?

How often do you get out to socialise with other people? having some activities planned during the week ect will take you out of your own head. Seems youre over analyzing yourself and your behaviour, that can become unhealthy.

amdublin

Try Bumble as an alternative to tinder?

wiggle16

I empathise with you OP, and I've heard of this before!

I do a lot of the same things with Tinder, especially thinking it would be better not to message first for some crazy reason.

I think part of the reason is that it's not like the other traditional dating apps/sites, where you trawl through profiles, find one you like, message and hope for a response. When you swipe right and match, the other person gets a notification, it feels like contact has been established - so I presumptuously feel like I can wait for them to message me, and if I message first it would be needy, not realising that the other person, if they're interested, is probably thinking the same thing.

I think you're best just trying to use it like it says on the tin - get a match and send a message and see where it goes, and if not, delete it. It's probably the best dating app out there (and I'm not plugging it, I really don't like it) for the simple reason being that it has the most active users.

Anyway, no, you're not alone.