Girlfriends father

Alittlelost

So my gf has never met her father, we are together 7 years and have a baby😠were both 24 working fulltime and have everything we need. Good jobs, positive future, alot of family support etc.

Here's the problem, she has never met her father and has no clue as to who he is. Although she has only mentioned to me once or twice since we're together that she would like to meet him I still feel she feels she's missing out.

Her mother is a bit of a looper to say the least and they do not talk ( kicked her out when she was 18 to move a bloke in among other things) her nanny and granda brought her up because of the likes of this sh*t over the years.

The reason I feel she now would be the time is her granda died 15 months ago and I feel she's starting to talk and wonder more about her father to fill the void that's now in her life that her granda departing has left.

She doesn't know I'm posting here but what I'm asking is - has anybody had to do this? What's the best way of starting to look for this sperm donor? I plan on getting some info and then sharing with her, if she says she doesn't want to know it will be left at that. But i have a feeling she really wants to know.

Asking her ma is out the question as over the years she has introduced 3 different blokes as "this is your da"

Hope I'm in the right place.

Any help greatly appreciated.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

I've never met my father either, and you know your girlfriend best, but I wouldn't have liked to be confronted with information like that.

Absolutely if she decides to search, be as helpful as you can. But from my own perspective I would not go seeking information without her consent.

Alittlelost

Cruz Clean Skullcap wrote: »

I've never met my father either, and you know your girlfriend best, but I wouldn't have liked to be confronted with information like that.

Absolutely if she decides to search, be as helpful as you can. But from my own perspective I would not go seeking information without her consent.

Thanks very much that's the type of info I want to hear. But as you said i know her best and I think she's to stubborn to admit that she wants to.

Also I should mention she's in her last year of a 5 year pharmaceutical degree so time is not on her side either. That's why I want to lay the foundation for her to follow up if she wants to if that makes sense.

Probably none of my business but have you ever looked? If so what steps did u take? Tell me to f off if you don't want to share.

Thanks again for your reply.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

Alittlelost wrote:

Probably none of my business but have you ever looked? If so what steps did u take? Tell me to f off if you don't want to share.

No absolutely, I have no problem sharing. I went through a bad patch with my mom as a teenager and think I really only sought him out for that reason (in that I never had a really strong desire to meet him, it was more of a reaction to my only parental relationship breaking down - to complicate my story a little more, she told me he was dead as a child and only told me the truth later on) I knew his name and where he worked when I was conceived, so I had a little bit to go on, but I was born in Australia which complicated things a bit. Ultimately ended up hiring a private investigator, who found him. He denied paternity on the phone to the investigator but his details were public record so I got his info anyway. Wrote a letter, explained my story and offered to do a paternity test and all that. Sent it registered post so I'd know it got there. Never heard back. Had his phone number, but at that point it was clear he wasn't interested, so didn't bother ever calling. I wasn't interested in disrupting anyone's life if they didn't want me to.

One thing I did recently is one of those heritage dna tests. Chances are you'll only get matches that are distant cousins but they're relatively inexpensive to try and see if anything interesting pops up. My mom did one too and found a first cousin she didn't know she had.

I hope whatever happens, your girlfriend can find peace about it all.

baby and crumble

Op my wife is in a similar situation as your partner.

Honestly I find it weird that she doesn’t want to know anything, she thinks she knows who he is and she knows she’s most likely got brothers and sisters out there but she’s just “meh” about it all.

I was like you for ages, convinced she really did want to know but she just doesn’t. To her he’s nothing. She’s going through some health stuff now that would be useful if she knew that side of her genetics etc but still nothing.

I would caution against doing anything about it on your own and then presenting it to her. Whether you think it or not she’ll likely feel like she’s expected to do something with whatever information you give her

punisher5112

I would highly recommend not pushing.

If they really want to they will look themselves.

Talk about it if you feel that way but I would think it's a bad idea messing with something that may not turn out so well.

Be there for them and that's really all you need to do.

Big Bag of Chips

You say time is not on her side? She's 24! She has all the time in the world. I would strongly advise against going on any fact finding mission without discussing it with her first. If she would like to know but doesn't want to search herself, then you can do it for her. But you must talk this through with her first. If you go ahead and try to do anything you really are telling her that you know what's best for her, and despite what she might feel you're going to make her choices for her. That's wrong and more than a little bit controlling.

The DNA searches will only work if other relatives have also had their DNA analysed and saved. Having a DNA test done, needs something to test it against. Its not like she'll get a DNA analysis done and be handed a list of all her relatives.

I understand when you become a parent yourself it can be difficult to get your head around a parent never seeing their child. But there could be any reason. Her father may never have known her mother was pregnant. Her mother may never have even known his name. It could have been a one night stand behind a nightclub.

I do think your heart is definitely in the right place here, but I also think you should leave it for a while. There's no rush. Give her the space and time to finish her degree and then broach it with her and offer her help if she wants it. If she still says no, then drop it. Regardless of what you believe she really wants, you have to take her word. And you have to respect her decision.

leggo

Yeah OP, like BBOC said your heart is in the right place, but I think you need to take a step back and look at what is and isn't your place. I'd have a relatively complex birth father situation and if a partner, I don't care how long, decided to interfere with that without consulting me it'd be a red flag and something I'd consider questioning the entire relationship over. It has all the hallmarks of a decision that's going to blow up in your face in a big way and you can't see it coming because you've got it into your head that this is what has to be done, when really it fixes nothing and just adds an extra stress to her life.

Also...grief is an incredibly complex thing and what we say isn't necessarily what we feel because we don't always understand what we feel. The reality is her grandad is gone and nothing will ever take his place. Even if you found her father and it turned out amazingly...he's not her grandad. It won't fill that hole. It's not a solution. At best, it'd be a distraction and postpone the grief process that she still has to go through fully. We can't avoid that, we can only control whether we deal with it now and be in control of it, or deal with it coming out one way or another later. And it's a distraction that could easily lead to disappointment and making things worse, with you as the person to blame if you open that wound without asking.

Ultimately, I think you're trying to help in your own way, but your way of coping might be to distract from the problem and 'fix', whereas you can't fix grief. The best thing you can do is just be an outlet of support and comfort when she needs it.

All you can really do is the equivalent of what you've done here with her on board. If it comes up and you feel it's something SHE actually wants (as opposed to you wanting it for her), offer to have a look around and see if you can find anything so she doesn't have to, then tell her what you've found if you do. If she says no, respect that.

Alittlelost

All absolutely brilliant and relevant advice thanks guys. More so than me wanting her to do it I just wanted to know that if it arises what would be the best path to take and how to make it as easy as possible for her. As said it's probably best leaving it for now. Thanks alot for the advice guys. I will just leave it for now and wait for her to bring it up, and when she does I can show her this with the brilliant advice that has been offered. Thanks again.

WIZWEB

OP it's really nice of you to show this empathy and support towards your GF. You'll be surprised though who reads these posts. She would easily self identify with your post if she discovered it. I agree with your title for the father. However these labels you use for him and her mother might not be appreciated after discovering they are being shared with a wide albeit 'anonymous' audience. Other family members or a friend of hers might easily pick up on who this is based upon your other shared information (age, college course and year etc). If this thread is passed back to her you might have opened a big can of worms for yourself. But if she's really desiring a connection to the father (She may not) be very careful of the route you take. Also consider the consequences that he may reject her yet again the man that he is. I suggest making a couple of edits here to cover your tracks better.