Can my parents kick me out when I'm 18 but still in school?

KiaraA

My mum is planning on kicking me out at 18 and I definitely know she's not joking. I have no idea what to do, I can't live with any relative's because she's lied about me to the rest of our family and there's no way I can convince my traditional family to believe me (a child) over my mother. I am very reluctant to tell the police or the school guidance counselor what's happening because I'm afraid of what will happen. I have no idea if this situation will ruin my chances of going to college because I don't have any money of my own. I'm just really scared and I have no idea what I should do.

Afroshack

I'm open to correction, but if you are still in school I would assume your parents are still responsible for you to a certain degree? Perhaps talk to citizens advice bureau and definitely talk to your school. They also have a duty of care to you until you finish your education and will want to know if you are at risk of becoming homeless.

But importantly, what's going on with your mum? What lies is she telling your family? Why is she telling them lies? Does she have any mental health issues? I feel like a little more context might help people give more constructive advice.

Frazer600

Hi, what an awful situation you are in. You must be very scared. Please make contact with the Gardaí or even Tusla or as Afroshack suggest Citizen advice You won't be making matters worse by the sounds of things by looking for help. A community Garda will have seen alot before and will know what to do or who you should contact.

KiaraA

Afroshack wrote: »

I'm open to correction, but if you are still in school I would assume your parents are still responsible for you to a certain degree? Perhaps talk to citizens advice bureau and definitely talk to your school. They also have a duty of care to you until you finish your education and will want to know if you are at risk of becoming homeless.

But importantly, what's going on with your mum? What lies is she telling your family? Why is she telling them lies? Does she have any mental health issues? I feel like a little more context might help people give more constructive advice.

Well, a year ago I told my mum that a family member did something gross to me when I was 10 (I don't feel comfortable sharing the details). It only happened once but their behaviour and their presence always disgusts me but I felt guilty telling her because I don't think the person is evil he just made me feel really uncomfortable. I thought my mum would understand but she didn't let it go. She started suggesting that I was lying and I felt fustrated and betrayed. She made me tell him what I had told her and of course he denied it. He called me names and said that I should be placed in a mental hospital. My mum was angry at me too and we argued for a long time. We let him stay with us because we're broke and he pays for things and my aunty also told me that I HAD to forgive him because that's how men act in our culture and that I'm being brainwashed in school to think a certain way etc. Later, she tried to abandon me with my grandmother and she told them that I would get her in trouble because people are too strict about child protection but I begged her to take me back home. She did and she made me promise not to tell anyone anything but now she's kicking me out so idc.
I'm sorry if I sound rushed it's too long of a story and I feel stupid saying anything because I feel like it would have been so much easier to keep my mouth shut and focused on studying, getting a degree and getting the fuvk out of this mess.

silverharp

your mother sounds like a pos but is there anything you can do to tow whatever line that would buy you time until the exams are over, is she open to any reason?

david75

If you haven’t done your leaving cert yet go to your local community welfare officer and explain the situation. They should arrange accomodation for you. Probably in a b&b. They’ll also get all the relevant authorities onto your parents and a sh!tstorm will ensue. If you’re 18 and acting the bollix though you should probably own up to it and give it over.
Hope you can find a solution

Afroshack

That's awful Kiara, I'm so sorry to hear that. Your family sound like a right piece of work and I'm glad you can still try plan a future for yourself despite all that they've put you through. You're going to have a hectic few months ahead until you finish school but you sound like you've a good head on your shoulders so you'll be okay. I would start with telling people the truth though, about what is going on at home.

Do you have a teacher that you trust? A friends parent? Older sibling? I'm a teacher and I'd be horrified if one of my students was going through this alone. I'd want to help. My school would want to help. So will yours. Perhaps approach your principal and explain the situation, they have a duty of care and cannot ignore you.

Contact citizens advice about your rights once you turn 18 (housing, benefits) and maybe look for part time work for weekends, so if you are chucked out you have money to fall back on.

Also, Focus Ireland and the Simon Community could help you if you are at serious risk of homelessness. Your local county council have a responsibility to help you once you are homeless, so maybe phone them for a chat and discuss your options before that happens.

WIZWEB

*Please disregard this post except for oneinfour.ie points and see my follow on post as I misread your first post and thought you were an adult*

OP. I'm sorry for your experience and current family troubles. There are various agencies that can offer support and advocacy. Oneinfour.ie might be a start. They will put you in contact with other agencies where appropriate and only if agreed by you. All interactions will be in strictest confidence. The local council might have a specific unit with social workers that can help too with urgent housing supports etc. These agencies are usually interlinked so if you engage with one then referrals can be made to another where necessary but only with your permission. You'll be kept informed who and why throughout the process. As you're 18 you'll be treated as an adult so nobody else including family, Gardai etc cannot be informed without your permission or desire.

Clickbait

Have you another aunt or uncle that your mother doesn't get along with. There's often a reason why they don't get along, they have seen the nasty side in your mother. They may be able to help.

loalae

When are you turning 18? It might be worth calling tusla and explaining the situation. The state is obliged to support families at risk of breakdown and young people at risk of becoming homeless. If you seek help before you are 18 you may be eligible for more support than if you react as an adult.

MissShihTzu

I know how you feel, OP. The same thing happened to me when I was 18, but not for the same reasons...

The first thing you do is panic. You're very young and this situation is hard to handle at any age, never mind as a teenager.

The first thing - Do you have friends or teachers (I presume you're still at school?) you can talk to? Talking to someone, even if they can't immediately help, takes some of the stress out straight away.

Start making plans to leave. Your home situation sounds pretty toxic, and it's probably not a good idea to stay even if your Mum changes her mind and allows you to remain. Get out for the sake of your mental health.

Next - do some research on the 'net. Is there someone at Welfare who can help, the Community Welfare Officer, Tusla,even getting hold of the local TD to see what they could do? What support is out there for you? You need to get that in hand quickly.

In the event, you can't find accommodation quickly, is there a friend or relative (I know you don't have the best relationship with them, but try) you could stay with until you get sorted?

Finally - good luck! I know it's a sh1t place to be at the minute, not knowing which way to turn, but you WILL get through this. You'll be amazed how resilient and resourceful you can be when the chips are down.

splinter65

If you’ve been the victim of a crime (harming a child is a very serious crime in Ireland) then you can report that crime to the Gardai. They will believe you and have specially trained officers to deal with you.
The fact that your parents have totally failed to protect you will mean that a safe place will be found for you.
Your family’s culture does not override the laws in this country.
Your mother and other close relatives are adults and don’t worry about them or how this will affect your relationship with them, the only important thing is that you are allowed to study safely and without these threats of homelessness over your head.
Do not play down what your male relative did to you. No one has a right to put their hands on you. You have a right to be safe.
Either go to the Gardai tomorrow or go to your local Health centre and ask to speak to the on duty Social Worker.

WIZWEB

OP I misread you're first post. I didn't realise that you are not 18 yet. Some of my earlier points were based on being an adult in your situation which you are not. As a young person this is very different. I would highly recommend contacting Tusla at your local Health Centre or getting a trusted adult to do so on your behalf.

Their key remit is to keep families together but only in appropriate circumstances where the children are safe. Your parents will not be punished but helped by social workers but only if they agree to engage in support offered in protecting you. They are in the wrong to protect this other person and disregard your feelings and position while threatening you. As you've been abused in some way and that person is still in the home then either they must be removed or you should be. The ideal situation is for the authorities to enact his removal. Abusers are likely to reoffend and you are currently in a very vulnerable position. Also unless challenged on their behaviours by the authorities they are likely to abuse others. If other children are in your home then they are currently in danger too.

Depending on your age if you need to leave three main options can be offered for you. One is a group home with other young people. Or else either foster care (for under 18's) or supported lodgings (which can be fascilitated into your early twenties if required). Foster care with willing assessed relatives is a common choice. There's a good allowance towards your care so that can motivate volunteers. On reaching 18 different supports are offered instead which Tusla will then refer you on to.

If you're 15 or older then the most likely option offered is Supported Lodgings. This is where you are offered a room and allowance to live in an ordinary home. The landlord will be Garda Cleared and caring towards your specific needs and development. Basically someone that's there to support you if required by you. School, seeing other siblings, friendships, outside activities etc continues with no interference. If necessary you can live there through your college years too with the landlords agreement. Tusla pay them an allowance.

Usually parents take the easiest option which is to evict the abuser when the authorities become involved so life will go on reasonably normal. They will miss his money but they will have to get over that. They can still evict you at 18 but contacting Tusla now will mean supports can be put in place to prevent you becoming homeless then. Your options are much more limited if you wait until you're 18.

tringle

Is there anyone in your school you can talk to? They often have supports in place to help in situations like this. I know of a few schools that work with Tulsa and have some students in situations like your living in a group home. I agree with the others, you need to do something before you are 18.

tringle

Also talk to school about going to college. It might be easiest to apply to go to college further away, get a grant and just live there. The grant is supposed to cover maintenance as well as college fees but it will be hard so find a city or large town where you can get a part time job too. You can book to stay in private student accommodation villages through the summer too. But many on campus student accommodations ate used for other things during the summer. This is all information that the school guidance counselor can help you with. Maybe if you have a firm plan in place your mother will let you stay until college starts. However you might be better leaving sooner.

KiaraA

WIZWEB wrote: »

OP I misread you're first post. I didn't realise that you are not 18 yet. Some of my earlier points were based on being an adult in your situation which you are not. As a young person this is very different. I would highly recommend contacting Tusla at your local Health Centre or getting a trusted adult to do so on your behalf.

Their key remit is to keep families together but only in appropriate circumstances where the children are safe. Your parents will not be punished but helped by social workers but only if they agree to engage in support offered in protecting you. They are in the wrong to protect this other person and disregard your feelings and position while threatening you. As you've been abused in some way and that person is still in the home then either they must be removed or you should be. The ideal situation is for the authorities to enact his removal. Abusers are likely to reoffend and you are currently in a very vulnerable position. Also unless challenged on their behaviours by the authorities they are likely to abuse others. If other children are in your home then they are currently in danger too.

Depending on your age if you need to leave three main options can be offered for you. One is a group home with other young people. Or else either foster care (for under 18's) or supported lodgings (which can be fascilitated into your early twenties if required). Foster care with willing assessed relatives is a common choice. There's a good allowance towards your care so that can motivate volunteers. On reaching 18 different supports are offered instead which Tusla will then refer you on to.

If you're 15 or older then the most likely option offered is Supported Lodgings. This is where you are offered a room and allowance to live in an ordinary home. The landlord will be Garda Cleared and caring towards your specific needs and development. Basically someone that's there to support you if required by you. School, seeing other siblings, friendships, outside activities etc continues with no interference. If necessary you can live there through your college years too with the landlords agreement. Tusla pay them an allowance.

Usually parents take the easiest option which is to evict the abuser when the authorities become involved so life will go on reasonably normal. They will miss his money but they will have to get over that. They can still evict you at 18 but contacting Tusla now will mean supports can be put in place to prevent you becoming homeless then. Your options are much more limited if you wait until you're 18.

Will Tusla question my parents and my sister? The idea of having loads of social workers or gardai around makes me sick.
Do you think they'd make me press charges?
How will this affect my mum? Will she have a record? I don't want to ruin her life or anything?
How will this affect my little sister. Wills she be taken away too? Even if she said she wants to stay? I'm just way too scared to tell the police or anyone what happened.
I have so many worries about what could happen. I just want the least destructive transition possible. I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

splinter65

KiaraA wrote: »

Will Tusla question my parents and my sister? The idea of having loads of social workers or gardai around makes me sick.
Do you think they'd make me press charges?
How will this affect my mum? Will she have a record? I don't want to ruin her life or anything?
How will this affect my little sister. Wills she be taken away too? Even if she said she wants to stay? I'm just way too scared to tell the police or anyone what happened.
I have so many worries about what could happen. I just want the least destructive transition possible. I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

You can ring childline free 1800666666 24 hours a day and speak to someone anonymously about your situation. They will answer all your questions and give you advice.

loalae

KiaraA wrote: »

WIZWEB wrote: »

OP I misread you're first post. I didn't realise that you are not 18 yet. Some of my earlier points were based on being an adult in your situation which you are not. As a young person this is very different. I would highly recommend contacting Tusla at your local Health Centre or getting a trusted adult to do so on your behalf.

Their key remit is to keep families together but only in appropriate circumstances where the children are safe. Your parents will not be punished but helped by social workers but only if they agree to engage in support offered in protecting you. They are in the wrong to protect this other person and disregard your feelings and position while threatening you. As you've been abused in some way and that person is still in the home then either they must be removed or you should be. The ideal situation is for the authorities to enact his removal. Abusers are likely to reoffend and you are currently in a very vulnerable position. Also unless challenged on their behaviours by the authorities they are likely to abuse others. If other children are in your home then they are currently in danger too.

Depending on your age if you need to leave three main options can be offered for you. One is a group home with other young people. Or else either foster care (for under 18's) or supported lodgings (which can be fascilitated into your early twenties if required). Foster care with willing assessed relatives is a common choice. There's a good allowance towards your care so that can motivate volunteers. On reaching 18 different supports are offered instead which Tusla will then refer you on to.

If you're 15 or older then the most likely option offered is Supported Lodgings. This is where you are offered a room and allowance to live in an ordinary home. The landlord will be Garda Cleared and caring towards your specific needs and development. Basically someone that's there to support you if required by you. School, seeing other siblings, friendships, outside activities etc continues with no interference. If necessary you can live there through your college years too with the landlords agreement. Tusla pay them an allowance.

Usually parents take the easiest option which is to evict the abuser when the authorities become involved so life will go on reasonably normal. They will miss his money but they will have to get over that. They can still evict you at 18 but contacting Tusla now will mean supports can be put in place to prevent you becoming homeless then. Your options are much more limited if you wait until you're 18.

Will Tusla question my parents and my sister? The idea of having loads of social workers or gardai around makes me sick.
Do you think they'd make me press charges?
How will this affect my mum? Will she have a record? I don't want to ruin her life or anything?
How will this affect my little sister. Wills she be taken away too? Even if she said she wants to stay? I'm just way too scared to tell the police or anyone what happened.
I have so many worries about what could happen. I just want the least destructive transition possible. I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

Nobody can make you press charges if you don't wish to. I don't know thw nature of what happened to you so can't say anything more now. The social workers will wish to speak to your mam and sister. The only way your sister would be removed from home is if it was considered that she is at significant and immediate risk of harm - the threshold for proving this is really really high.

Ultimately, you need support at this time. It's scary taking the first step in seeking this help and it's **** that you don't have any family members you can rely on. I get that you're getting caught up in worrying about the consequences of acting but really the consequences of not acting may have long standing detrimental effects.

Social workers and the gardai are paid to help - let them!

Malayalam

I understand that particularly because you are from a traditional family with a different cultural background you might find it difficult to set things in motion that could involve ''outsiders'' or any state authorities interfering. That would be daunting. It is difficult for anyone to act in a way that seems like telling tales on the insider world of the family, but more difficult perhaps for you. No one wants to be unfaithful to their family - even where there is abuse. Don't feel pressured to bite off more than you are prepared to handle the consequences of...for now. So, you might have to weave your way around things a bit. Think in terms of the long game.
Your mother sounds as though she might be financially dependent upon this person who made you feel uncomfortable, plus she would have much deeper traditional conditioning than you - so it is unlikely she is going to change.

It is almost March now and if you could keep your head down for as long as it takes to get the exams over you - I feel as though you might be in Leaving Cert year - than that would be a good bet. It is just 4 months. So long as there is ABSOLUTELY NO threat to your safety. If you are physically unsafe in any way, think about a place where you can be safe and go there - a friends house, something like that. If it is emotional stress then it can be handled for the time being by putting it in a kind of compartment in your mind and having your eyes firmly on the goal of independence soon.

Then after you finish the exams you are looking at going out on your own really. It is possible. I left home at 16 as I did my Leaving Cert young and I supported myself through college living in cheap flats with part time work and college grant. I had to get away too - for reasons of psychological and physical abuse. You may have to apply for your college grant on your own, if your mother is not helping, although you may need some help from say Citizens Advice especially if your mother is not co-operative with regards to income matters. It is not difficult to fill in the forms and you can do it online. Ask for help in school from Career Guidance.
A grant will not cover everything but it will cover fees and with a part time job, a cheap room and good budgeting you will be able to get by.

It might be that you will have to postpone college for a year or two if it is too stressful to organise grants and everything, but you can still move out as soon as school is over, get some work and find a room somewhere to start living your independent life. Even look at couch surfing while you look for work.

You can look at all this as opportunity and adventure, rather than sadness and stress. It is better for your mental health to define it in positive terms - so avoid thinking about drama and desperation, and instead be constructive and innovative - there are so many ways to be free - for example if you really can not sort anything out, then go volunteering as a Wwoofer somewhere else in Ireland to give yourself head space and a different setting to think about things.

You will do fine - be true to yourself and your good nature. You have been dealt a hand that is tough, but you are not the first one, you are strong and clever, and know that you will be fine in the end. At a certain point you do not owe your family loyalty - you need to be loyal to yourself.

WIZWEB

KiaraA wrote: »

Will Tusla question my parents and my sister? The idea of having loads of social workers or gardai around makes me sick.
Do you think they'd make me press charges?
How will this affect my mum? Will she have a record? I don't want to ruin her life or anything?
How will this affect my little sister. Wills she be taken away too? Even if she said she wants to stay? I'm just way too scared to tell the police or anyone what happened.
I have so many worries about what could happen. I just want the least destructive transition possible. I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

Hi Kiara,

Here's my answers to you questions in the same order as asked...

Yes Tusla would likely have to speak to your parents. It depends on what the incident was and how long ago it is. Your sisters age and questions asked would be age appropriate just like yours but only if any suspicion is evidenced. There would be a small group of professionals involved and the meeting would most likely take place in private in a local local Health Centre. Depending on the seriousness of the offence and the chances of it happening again then the Gardai may be informed.

You will not be responsible for making any charges. An investigation would be undertaken by Gardai if a serious offence has been committed. Depending on this evidence it would be them making a charge if one is warranted.

No your parents will definitely not be charged. They may be assigned a social worker and/or a family support worker for a time to assist them in your ongoing care. This will be for a short time or not at all if your parents make him leave or he leaves voluntarily.

Nobody will be taken away if the adult that has been inappropriate to you leaves or is made leave. Your sisters safety like yours is of key importance. If anything happened to her too then the points in my earlier post apply. Tusla tries to keep familys together and work out solutions to do that. If you had to leave they would look at keeping you and your sister together still if possible.

Your sister will not be removed from your home once the danger is removed. Either he goes or is made leave or if her safety is at risk then she couldn't stay there.

Remember you've done nothing wrong here. The job of the Garda and Social Workers is to protect people. They will also support your family if your family accepts that help. However this alleged abuser would need to be removed for that to take place.

HumbleBumble

Hi Kiara
I do think that after 18 you are considered an adult in most normal circumstances. When you say you are still in education, do you mean secondary school or have you started college. There are numerous charity organisations like women's aid that will be able to help you get on your feet on your own. They offer counselling as well as very practical approaches to what to do to access your own housing etc.

If you are 18 there's nothing stopping you from getting a job and moving out on your own though. If you've fallen out with your family it might be time to learn to support yourself. This is a very important life skill and also a way to show your family that you wont put up with any abuse anymore.

KiaraA

I'm afraid that if I report the situation, tusla might believe that the best course of action is to provide a social worker and make me stay with my family. If they don't let me leave I'm afraid the situation might get worse. My mother's very manipulative and I'll be isolated in my own family. So if tusla does decide to make me stay, could I convince them otherwise?

heretothere

Sorry to hear what's going on.
I would really encourage you to speak to someone at school who you can talk to face to face and tell them everything that is going on.
As others have said you will be able to apply for grants etc for college and that will help, school will be able to point you in the right direction. I 'financially' moved out when I was 18 and went off to college my parents were great they just couldn't afford to help. Between the grant and working part time I was able to support myself so you can 100% do it, it will of course be harder with the bad feeling with your mam but you can do it. Might be easier to go to college outside of Dublin Athlone is meant to be great and the rent would be a lot cheaper than Dublin! I had been saving all through 6th year to start college, through no fault of your own it doesn't sound like you have been preparing to support yourself so soon, would you consider working full time for a year while you set yourself up? And emotionally sort yourself after what sounds like a toxic home life!