Anxiety about mothers cancer- help, tips?

Junadl

(Deleted per OP request)

Oldtree

I am very sorry to hear about your situation and your mother's illness.

You will already know that stage 4 is very advanced.

I am surprised that ye do not talk about your mother's cancer, esp with her. Perhaps it is time that you do so, even if your mum does not want to, at least you will have tried and perhaps over time she will know that you are there if she wants to. You will need to talk to the children about it and explain to them what is going on and possible outcomes and how you expect them to behave and help the family through this difficult time.

You need to do what you can, but realise that all the decisions about your mother's illness lie with her and you must respect that. Most importantly you need to look after yourself so that you can be there for your mum when she needs you.

Worry is a very stressful thing. If you can move away somewhat from so much worry you may find some relief.

A simple exercise that you could do when out for your walks is to deliberately not worry about the future, and just concentrate on your surroundings and your breathing. At the very least this will give you a short mental break.

What is the name of the cancer and what treatments has your mother had?
Why is chemo the next step?
Have ye had a second opinion?

Junadl

It is metastatic melanoma. Spread from primary location to lungs and lymph nodes. She has.had radiotherapy and immunotherapy. Now she on a combined treatment ippi and I can't remember the name of the other.
When I day we don't talk about it. I mean I don't say I'm so worried or show that I feel sick inside about it in front of my mother. My siblings don't speak about it. I have found a few fb groups for my mother so she feels less alone and she was going to a support group but hasn't been in months.
That sounds like a very good idea about the walks, thank you. I am so worried about the future every day. I do listen to music and that gets my mind off things.
Exercise is the key right now but I am overwhelmed.
I don't want to see her die. I just can't cope with it. She has asked for second opinion but her oncologist is extremely difficult and got insulted.

Oldtree

On a practical level you can go to one of the daffodil centers, they are lovely, informed and experienced people, who will be able to help you or point you in the right direction.

https://www.cancer.ie/support/daffodil-centres#sthash.1x2MDZ5G.dpbs

Junadl

Oldtree wrote: »

On a practical level you can go to one of the daffodil centers, they are lovely, informed and experienced people, who will be able to help you or point you in the right direction.

https://www.cancer.ie/support/daffodil-centres#sthash.1x2MDZ5G.dpbs

Thank you so much, didn't even think of this

Oldtree

You do not need your oncologists permission to seek a second opinion. That sort of attitude from a medical practitioner is ignorant and condescending and drives me nuts. Just go ahead and do it. There may be alternatives for your mother to consider.

You would be surprised at what may come out of a second opinion. I'm not talking big things here, more little things that may improve your mothers quality of life. At the very least you would have a third party with which to re-instigate discussion with your mum.

I don't think you should bottle up your feelings, and maby a few gushing sessions with your mother would do ye both a world of good. Pretending is good for neither of you, but my point of view is 'no regrets'.

Junadl

She doesn't trust these doctors. I will say it to her about second opinion. I am surprised the lack of support she gets. Surely emotional support should be part of it. I do listen to her when she is worrying or when she is having aches and pains. She doesn't really want to sit and think and is always flying around the place. I think she should rest sometimes but she wants to get out every day. Which is good. She is handling things so bravely. I feel guilty when I complain of a bad day. I can't imagine how worries she must be feeling.
At the start of the diagnosis she stayed in bed for a few weeks and I made all her meals. She was in shock. I've seen her journey. It's just getting to heightened worries now with chemo being the next step. Second opinion is needed for sure! Especially as chemo has a low success rate for her type of cancer. The terrible part is that they misdiagnosed her for 18 months. It's their fault really and they don't give a fiddlers. She does angry about that and she paid 60 euro every doctors visit and paid for this and that and they didn't catch it in time. How can that be?!!
Anyway yes I will contact the cancer help and talk to someone.

Thank you for your time and help.

Oldtree

You shouldn't feel guilty for complaining about a bad day, its perfectly normal. That your mother is running around the place is a good thing, she's making the most of it and so should you. In these days of the internet i'm sure your mum has done some googling about her cancer. In this instance google isn't your friend.

With the prognosis being so poor, it may well be that chemo is used for maintainence doses, which may improve your mothers quality of life for some time, and then the chemo is not something to be afraid of.

In the past chemo got a very bad name due to the side effects and severity. These days the side effects can be much less. It will be up to your mother to decide what balance is acceptable to her, what she can take.

There is no getting around that it is a very hard journey for ye all. There is help available out there in many forms for both you and your mother. Just do your best.

Junadl

Oldtree wrote: »

You shouldn't feel guilty for complaining about a bad day, its perfectly normal. That your mother is running around the place is a good thing, she's making the most of it and so should you. In these days of the internet i'm sure your mum has done some googling about her cancer. In this instance google isn't your friend.

With the prognosis being so poor, it may well be that chemo is used for maintainence doses, which may improve your mothers quality of life for some time, and then the chemo is not something to be afraid of.

In the past chemo got a very bad name due to the side effects and severity. These days the side effects can be much less. It will be up to your mother to decide what balance is acceptable to her, what she can take.

There is no getting around that it is a very hard journey for ye all. There is help available out there in many forms for both you and your mother. Just do your best.

That's what my mother has always said. "Just do your best!"