Housemate never leaves

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Not a big issue, more of a niggling one that I'd love to hear opinions on!

Female in early 30s living in a house-share with a late 20s female. She'd been there for about 2 years prior to my moving in late last summer. It's a relatively small flat and she's a total homebody, which results in her sitting in the living room in front of the sofa pretty much whenever she's in the house - which can be quite a lot as she works way fewer hours than me. Pretty much whenever I get in the door from work right through to entire weekends she's there watching TV. She's also big into her home decor and the place is kitted out with candles, lamps, picture frames, knick knacks, the works so it essentially feels like "her" room at this point.

Not the biggest problem to have I know, but the kitchen is tiny so the living room is the main focal part of the house and I'm getting a bit peeved with feeling like a guest in my own home. I literally cannot get a lookin when it comes to chilling and watching a bit of TV, or even having guests around etc. She's lovely to talk to and we get along just fine, but when she's perpetually there - even throughout entire weekends - it begins to get on my nerves.

What if anything can I do or is this just one of these "joys of housesharing" situations?

jon1981

housesharing1 wrote: »

Hi all,

Not a big issue, more of a niggling one that I'd love to hear opinions on!

Female in early 30s living in a house-share with a late 20s female. She'd been there for about 2 years prior to my moving in late last summer. It's a relatively small flat and she's a total homebody, which results in her sitting in the living room in front of the sofa pretty much whenever she's in the house - which can be quite a lot as she works way fewer hours than me. Pretty much whenever I get in the door from work right through to entire weekends she's there watching TV. She's also big into her home decor and the place is kitted out with candles, lamps, picture frames, knick knacks, the works so it essentially feels like "her" room at this point.

Not the biggest problem to have I know, but the kitchen is tiny so the living room is the main focal part of the house and I'm getting a bit peeved with feeling like a guest in my own home. I literally cannot get a lookin when it comes to chilling and watching a bit of TV, or even having guests around etc. She's lovely to talk to and we get along just fine, but when she's perpetually there - even throughout entire weekends - it begins to get on my nerves.

What if anything can I do or is this just one of these "joys of housesharing" situations?

You could suggest a night a week each where you get "ownership" of the living area. She might not take kindly to that suggestion but the alternative is you potentially might move out and then she has to run the gauntlet again to another nice house mate

Honestly, you can't change her lifestyle, so it's either work some agreement or move out i guess.

Tenigate

She was there first. To an extent, that means she makes the rules.

If you don't like the arrangement you should probably start looking for a new place.

If you want friends over and would like the living room to yourself, it would be no harm to suggest "can i take over the living room on sunday night". Or if you want to watch something, give plenty of notice or set a sky+ reminder.

david75

Set up some sort of game night or anything like that and let her know you’ll need the room every week.

Or just talk to her about it and explain it. You’re paying rent too. I know everyone’s afraid of upsetting the norm cos it’s so hard to find a new place but just talking about it and letting her know it would be nice if you could have the space equally and occasionally wouldn’t be an unfair ask.

liam7831

Move out

Pelvis

liam7831 wrote: »

Move out

Pretty much this.

I couldn't handle that OP. I lived in a house share and half way through one of the housemates became self employed and started working from home, sitting at the kitchen table. At the time I worked a short walk away and liked to head home for lunch to unwind, make a proper lunch, flake out on the couch. Him sitting there working away just ruined all that. Likewise, before I'd sometimes get home before him and make dinner etc, but once he was self employed he'd be there when I got home after work, usually just started cooking his dinner. It feckin' wrecked my head.

wiggle16

I'm used to having a lot of people in a house so I don't really know the meaning of personal space, but that would still drive me mental as well. There is literally nothing you can do - it's her house too, and if you bring it up with her she's not going to see it from your side, no matter the compromise. It wouldn't be worth souring with what sounds like a friendly housemate over this, if you fall out, the place will feel even smaller.

I'd either look at taking your chances somewhere else or trying to make the best of it.

Even the likes of "ooooh, XYZ is on at Splash-O'Clock, I definitely want to watch that" well in advance might be worth a try whenever you want to have a go of the TV, it might just give her the hint to get off her hole. But I'd find it infantilising to have to keep saying that.

I wouldn't bring it up with her, if you really can't stand it then start looking around.

david75

OP just as a flip to your post.
Our house used to be social central for all our friends. Weekly on sundays usually we’d all come here and have drinks and watch (talk over) films
Then I decided to make my bedroom my thing. That’s my space.
So Ive gone through two housemates now, over two years, one of them a best friend, who it made uncomfortable just cos if I’m home I don’t leave my room. I’m not social like that anymore. They all think it mad Im just more into doing my own thing but it’s my space and I don’t feel like engaging.
So maybe she feels the same? That’s her domain and she isn’t asserting that it’s just happening naturally.

Real difficult to bring it up but you should at least bring it up. You live there and pay rent too. If she’s cool no bother with other stuff like bills and cleaning up after herself go especially carefully.

leggo

Yeah, it's reasons like this if I'm moving into a place, I always make sure I can live in the bedroom if need be. Nobody gets control of the communal area, that's just an accepted thing. So while that means she can't constantly hog the TV and you get to watch what you want, cook when you want etc...the flip side is you don't really have a say if she's using it all the time (unless it's something like having friends coming over). Sadly you'll get people who sit in watching TV all the time or see their housemates as social activity to jump on whenever they want company (I've lived with people like this so I sympathise...it can be a LOT), meaning personal space is a rarity in the communal areas, but you don't really have any say there except keeping away from them. If it's an otherwise good living situation, I wouldn't go moving out over it, but I would start setting up shop in your room if you need alone time.

Bunny Colvin

I'm in a similar enough situation OP. I work long enough hours and the girl I'm living with is usually there watching TV when I get in. Apart from working four hour shifts and walking her dog, that's where you'd usually find her. It can be annoying alright. Sometimes all you want is a bit of space without having to the make the small talk. Sometimes being all the time TBH.

When I get in I'm usually wrecked so I'll get something to eat and get myself organised for the next morning. Then I'll head to my room and chill out for a while there because the last thing I want to do is watch ****e on the TV etc.

If I ever want to watch a game or something I'll usually say 'do you mind if I watch the football at 7' and in fairness to her she will let me have the room no hassle.

I'd agree with Leggo though, if you get on alright with the person and if the place suits you rent and location wise, then sometimes it's better the devil you know. I've lived in a few house shares before and it's a complete lottery who you'll end up living with. Even though I'm not over the moon in general with the place I'm in, there's a lot to be said for living with someone who you get on okay with and not having any real bother in general because there's some real degenerates out there!

Tldr; try to make it work if you can because the grass isn't always greener!

Neyite

It's your perception that the living room is 'hers' though.

From her point of view she might just like interior design and maybe her candles and throws are not 'hers' but her just trying to make a rental feel more homely for all of you, so would be happy for you to use 'her' candle or stretch out with 'her' throw on the sofa.

So do that. Make yourself at home in your own living room. Park your arse on the sofa for the evening. Add your own stuff to the room if you like. Ask that when she's finished watching whatever programme is on, could you have the remote because you want to watch [your programme] that you recorded.

If she's got a problem with you using her stuff, then it will migrate to her room naturally. If she's got a problem with you being there in the room, she will migrate to her room more often.

And you never know, you might make a great friend out of her the more you hang out.

woodchuck

I see nothing wrong with plonking yourself down on the couch next to her and suggesting a movie/show you want to watch.

It would also be completely reasonable to say to her that you want to invite friends over on a particular night and plan to play board games, watch a movie, do karaoke or whatever. Leave it up to her whether she wants to get involved or leave you to it.

Dial Hard

Is the issue that you feel like you can't use the sitting room at all while she's in there, or that you want exclusive use of it yourself when you want to watch TV?

AllForIt

Just another one of a long list of disadvantages to living in a house share. What bothers you may not bother someone else for example someone who spends little time in the house except to sleep. In one particular house share I lived in I never used the living room at all. As others have said if it's really unbearable then look elsewhere - you don't really have a right to expect her to change.

Xterminator

Hi Op

just a word of caution to say if you move to another houseshare you may find yourself wishing that this issue was all you had to concern yourself with.

you can attempt to improve the situation by modifying your behavior and seeing how that effects the dynamic. I think the idea of saying theres a programme on in an hour i'd like to see, and then plonking yourself down and taking your 'share' of the TV. see how that works out!

wylo

housesharing1 wrote: »

What if anything can I do or is this just one of these "joys of housesharing" situations?

It really depends on how much this problem is in your head. If its something that is just slightly irritating every now and again but generally fine, then yea its just the "joys of housesharing".

But if its a problem that is escalating in your head and you are getting increasingly uncomfortable in your own home and you know its not going to get better then its

a: confront and say it (easier said that done)
b: move out

If its really bothering you then moving out is worth the risk. If its not REALLY bothering you then you are probably in a pretty good living situation other than that and that is not to be sniffed at.

My housemate is a public servant (I wont say which type) but Ill just say that he has ALOT of time off and short days and half days etc. He is always at home at random times and evenings etc. Always using the kitchen, always cooking. I think if our house wasnt so big Id have wanted to leave by now but we have enough space to give ourselves that freedom. Plus other than that, hes a solid housemate.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice and opinions guys. i guess the consensus is this is fairly low on the list of potential problems when it comes to houseshares, and having lived with flatmates for more than a decade now id have to agree!

i know the best way to tackle it is to plonk myself down on the sofa every night, but im quite an introvert and spend the day surrounded by crowds at work and on public transport so when i get in the me-time is pretty important. my room is tiny - by far the smaller room as hers is about double the size - so i suppose it can feel quite suffocating and a bit sad to have to sit in there most nights to get my personal time before i start prepping for the next day. i feel like its not bloody ideal at my age!

i know the solution is to change that and spend more time with her, but tbh as lovely as she is to my face, i've recently overheard her moaning about me on the phone for something utterly trivial and she can be fairly passive aggressive and territorial about the place so it's not always a stressfree experience being in her company either. last thing i need at the end of a busy day.moving out is not an option as im pretty urgently saving for a house deposit and can't take any messing around with my savings t the moment.

wylo

Hmmm, sounds to me like its affecting your quality of life more than it being just a slight irritation. Id consider moving. You have to be able to arrive home to comfort and feel somewhat free in your own kitchen/sitting room.

Bambi985

I think you have to put your foot down and start acting just as territorial as your housemate. Right now you're retreating to you room and encouraging her to treat the place like it's her own and you are some sort of paying guest. You;re paying rent too and have the exact same entitlements - no more nor less. I don't agree that because "she was there first" that she gets to throw her weight around the house without any consideration for you! what would she do if you weren't there - i'm doubting she could afford to live there by herself so she's going to have to get used to having a housemate whether she likes it or not.

i know you like your "me time" but i think you just need to get over that and start asserting yourself. i'd start texting her with "hey, do you mind if i watch *random show* this evening?" once a week or so, establish a routine where you're claiming the sitting room regularly so she knows that you're not in your room every night because you WANT to be there.

how is she when it comes to house guests, giving you space in the kitchen etc? i'd probably start leaving my stuff around the place too - a throw in the sitting room, some candles in the hall way, some bits and pieces in the kitchen. invite someone round for dinner and give her a week's notice, go straight into her in the evening when you're home from work, leave the door open etc.

i know its the last thing you want to do but seems like you're not willing to consider upping and leaving, so it's really up to you to reclaim your territory there in the same way that she is.

DoozerT6

Bambi985 wrote: »

I think you have to put your foot down and start acting just as territorial as your housemate. Right now you're retreating to you room and encouraging her to treat the place like it's her own and you are some sort of paying guest. You;re paying rent too and have the exact same entitlements - no more nor less. I don't agree that because "she was there first" that she gets to throw her weight around the house without any consideration for you! what would she do if you weren't there - i'm doubting she could afford to live there by herself so she's going to have to get used to having a housemate whether she likes it or not.

i know you like your "me time" but i think you just need to get over that and start asserting yourself. i'd start texting her with "hey, do you mind if i watch *random show* this evening?" once a week or so, establish a routine where you're claiming the sitting room regularly so she knows that you're not in your room every night because you WANT to be there.

how is she when it comes to house guests, giving you space in the kitchen etc? i'd probably start leaving my stuff around the place too - a throw in the sitting room, some candles in the hall way, some bits and pieces in the kitchen. invite someone round for dinner and give her a week's notice, go straight into her in the evening when you're home from work, leave the door open etc.

i know its the last thing you want to do but seems like you're not willing to consider upping and leaving, so it's really up to you to reclaim your territory there in the same way that she is.

I wouldn't text her, that seems too much like 'asking permission' in my book. Just go into the sitting room, all bright and friendly and chatty, and during the chat, mention 'oh yeah <tv show> is on tonight, do you watch that? I love it, you should give it a go. Watch it with me tonight and see what you think.'

woodchuck

Bambi985 wrote: »

I think you have to put your foot down and start acting just as territorial as your housemate.

This.

OP I know it's hard, but if you do nothing, nothing will change!

Irish_rat

Sounds like you need to spend more time with her tbh and start pushing your way into watching what you want etc.

I'm fairly introverted myself on downtime but you will face the same thing again in other rental accommodation tbf. You definitely could have much worse

Ursus Horribilis

How long do you think it'll be before you get the deposit together for your own place? I ended up having to house share to get the deposit together for my house (long term relationship had gone t*ts up) and by the end I was sick of house sharing. Even though everyone was lovely, I'd had enough. What kept me going was knowing that it was for the greater good.

kaji

I had a similar problem recently- 1 housemate seemed to think the house was theirs and would "claim" stuff like presses etc. They had their stuff everywhere while the rest of us were almost expected to have no possessions lying around. They also had a total waste of space partner who would stay over 3/4 days a week and just watch TV and never pay towards anything. In the end, I just moved out. It was such a relief to get out of there. I could never go back to that kind of situation again. Some people just don't have any respect when it comes to house-sharing.

Emme

It sounds to me like your housemate would like to be living on her own but can't afford to. I assume she is not the owner-occupier. It's a bit rich that she takes over the sitting room AND has a bigger room of her own. As long as you stay in that apartment you will be stuck with the smaller room and she isn't going to change her habit of treating the place as her own.

If she gets passive-aggressive take her up on it. Tell her you pay rent too and that you are just as entitled to the communal spaces as she is.

Or you could start dating a big intimidating guy and bring him back several nights a week for noisy nights of passion and awkward mornings after!