Inappropriate feelings for suicidal friend and advice needed

EnikoSas

I am currently travelling in Australia and met a group of friends here, one of whom was a lovely guy who was clearly quite vulnerable. He seemed to be on a path of self destruction, drinking to excess, wreckless behaviour etc.. but would listen to no one. Eventually this culminated in a suicide attempt which hit me hard. I visited him in hospital and we talked and he told me afterwards that no one had ever listened to him the way I did or had been so accepting. After that I was very worried he’d attempt again because he was saying worrying things so myself and other friends decided to take turns staying with him so he wouldn’t be alone, because he told me he hated it. Spending so much time together we grew quite close. Unfortunately he made another suicide attempt recently (triggered by the fact that he had to go travelling to see his family and the fact that I am due to move to a new city in the next few weeks. He told me this after) and called me to tell me he was about to die and would I stay on the phone with him. He refused to tell me where it was but eventually did and I got him an ambulance. It was devastating. He is now in a psych ward with no phone but we talk on the hospital phone everyday. The thing is, since the last suicide attempt, I have felt a rush of strong feelings towards him that I can’t explain. There was always a bond but now I’m thinking about him so often I can’t concentrate and I look forward to talking to him everyday. He’s so kind and sweet and we are so at ease together. But it’s completely wrong, I understand it’s messed up and it would be an extremely toxic/codependent relationship. His parents are now here and want to take him home and I’ve been chatting with them and agree 100% but he is adamant he won’t leave. I have asked him so many times to go home but he says he hates his life back home. I am so worried that a big part of the reason he’s staying is for me, because I think he might have feelings for me too. He has hinted a few times about coming to the city I’m going to but it would be a complete disaster. He is highly vulnerable and would be so dependent on me. He wants to stay in Australia but has no plan whatsoever. So now I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure whether I should detach myself completely or if that would send him into a spiral of depression as we are so close. I have really gotten in too deep here and I feel I’m paying the price now. Any advice would be appreciated and please don’t be too hard on me!

DaeryssaOne

I certainly see no reason to be 'hard on you' as this sounds like a very difficult situation. You can't help your feelings but I do think it would be best if you put them aside for the moment and focus on how best to help your friend. His mental well-being is the most important thing right now so you need to step back and consider the best way for him to work on his recovery and get well. If this means him going with his parents so be it, it's probably something that would need to be decided by both him, his parents and his doctors.

I think you just need to be a friend the best you can by keeping in touch as much as possible while you are both in different places but not allowing him to be dependent on you at the same time. If things work out where he is in a better place mentally and emotionally (I would guess a good bit down the line) and you still feel the same way then you could broach the thoughts of a relationship then. Right now however, it would only be a case of you being care/attention giver and him depending on your love and friendship rather than it being an equal relationship. You would be walking on eggshells to be careful not to upset him as he has already 'blamed' you for triggering a suicide attempt.
Best of luck with it OP

nikkibikki

I would think that he's currently in no fit state to be in a relationship.

You are obviously a very caring person but you also need to look after yourself. Now that he has the support of his family and professionals, there probably won't be any better time to take a step back if that's what you are going to do.

pwurple

Am I reading that right? He blamed you for his suicide attempt? 
So many alarm bells. 

It's very flattering to have that level of devotion and dependency from someone, and the excitement is interesting and engaging. But you seem to know already, and understand it's just not healthy. For either of you. You may not be able to fix this guy. He's not a project, or a puppy, or a child that can grow out of being who he is. He is a grown man already, with what sounds like very little to offer a grown woman in terms of a long term relationship. Drink problems, mental problems, control problems. He may one day succeed in his attempts. Sometimes you can't do anything for people like this and they just want out. 

He is clearly mentally ill, and you are not a doctor. I'd let it drift. Keep in loose contact, every other day, then once a week etc. Taper it right down and find another someone nice...

Bambi985

god OP I'd be very worried about you if you were my friend. This guy is co-dependent, seriously mentally ill, addicted and it sounds more like you're his therapist than his friend. It also sounds like you're his therapist and there's a serious case of transference going on. It's just not a healthy dynamic at all.

For it to be healthy, balanced and prosperous for the both of you, he needs to be able to stand on his own two feet and establish an independent life without using you as his crutch. That's so far from the case now - you are literally propping him up and a relationship would mean ignoring all of your own emotional needs and desires in order to care for him and prevent him from lapsing into the suicidal thoughts again.

It's such a horrible cliche, but sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go. It'll be temporarily awful and you'll feel guilty as all hell and he'll probably allow you to feel that way, but it would a kind thing to do in order to let him find his own identity again. Maybe someday he'll recover and find his own life and ye can have a future together, but it's certainly not now and not like this.

wiggle16

I'm sorry to hear all that OP. Fair play to you for being such a compassionate friend.

I would have to say distance yourself. And sooner rather than later, the longer he is dependent on you the harder it will be for him to adapt when you eventually part ways. The other thing to say is this: put your feelings for him aside, entirely. I hope I don't sound unkind, but they are not relevant to this issue, and he is not in a position to reciprocate.

He is clearly not well, and that is not his fault, but nor is it yours, at all. You are not responsible for him and you cannot act as a crutch - that's as much for his sake as it is for yours. Your own well being will suffer if you are worrying about every little thing you do and how it might affect him, like how he might react if you mention going home, which eventually you will. And for him, there's a difference between having people to turn to, and having someone who feels they cannot turn away in case he does something.

The fact that he called you, telling you he was going to do it, but wouldn't tell you where he was, is pretty disturbed behaviour. I'd be of the opinion, from experience, that if he had really meant to follow through on it, he would not have called you. I am not downplaying it or saying he was not in danger, or any nonsense like that. I'm saying that there was something else at play there that was not solely an intent to end his life. I won't speculate as to what that was, but I would be fairly confident that if you continue to be as available to him as you are, he will involve you in something like that again.

For that reason I'd tell you to step back, because he's not going to get better if he feels that doing that to you again is an option. I know that's hard to do, but a big part of it is accepting that, realistically, if someone decides they want to end their life, you cannot stop them - they will find an opportunity to do it. You cannot prevent that, and no matter how much you care, you're not responsible for the actions they take.

I would guess from your circumstances (travelling in Australia) that you haven't known him for a particularly long time. It would be harder for him to adjust to a lifelong friend withdrawing from him, than someone he has not known for as long. I understand that you have grown very close, but if the main reason you have grown so close is because you have been trying to support him through his issues, then you are not helping him (though not for want of trying!). I'd advise you to distance yourself. It does not have to mean cutting contact entirely, but he cannot continue to depend on you as the basis for his emotional stability, otherwise he won't get better.

Also, have a look at the sticky in the forum homepage, Info for Distressed Posters. Most of those organisations are there just as much for people affected by suicide as for people who are suffering from suicidal thoughts.

Really hope he gets better. Mind yourself OP xx

leggo

Tough one. I've been in situations with friends, even similar to the phone call you've described, and while it's tough you do build a special kind of bond with someone going through something like that and helping them. But, for both his and your own sake, you have to break down the feelings you're going through here.

It's extremely unlikely this is love in a conventional sense. Yes, on one hand you may be attracted to him both physically and in terms of his personality, to some degree. I don't doubt that. But on the other, you probably feel a boost of confidence and a lot of other positive re-enforcements in being able to be so effective helping him out (as well you should, by the way, your feelings don't detract from the fact that this guy may not still be here if it wasn't for you and you've done a very good thing by being his support system). So it's possible that the two are becoming intertwined at what is undoubtedly an emotionally difficult time for you and coming out as feelings of infatuation. There may also be elements of you unknowingly being drawn towards toxic/co-dependent situations, which is very common, have you a history of that in relationships/dating by any chance?

Whatever the case, and if you feel it's too difficult to decipher yourself then counselling may be of some help there (even to just help you process all of this as it is yourself), a functional loving relationship is born out of a sense of respect and equality on both sides. There's an imbalance here right off the bat, so it's more a case of both of you attaching and bonding over negative issues in your life, which can be a recipe for disaster. That's especially so in his vulnerable state. Entering a relationship now could leave him worse than when he started. You're already posting here about it, you know all of this stuff logically but have yet to catch up emotionally, imagine if you got cold feet early days and it damaged your friendship to the point he didn't even have you there at all anymore.

I think, even when it comes to situations like this with friends you don't have feelings for, there's a time when it's okay to say, "I've done my part and have passed them onto the people in their life best placed to deal with this now" and taking a step back. It sounds like you've reached that point OP. Try ease your way, if not completely out then at least further back, from this for a bit and let him deal with his family and professionals. Figure out what in your life led you to this and focus on your own wellbeing for a while. Down the line, if he's doing better and the attraction is still there, then you can look at it again from a stronger standpoint.

Malayalam

Even if this is love on both sides, we cannot control others lives. He will have to go through his thing. And you cannot stop it evolving as it is and will. So even in the best case scenario, this is his stuff he is going through and you can't stop that. I say that from personal experience.
Doesn't mean you have to cut him off, that might be too harsh, but you have to step back somewhat. And hands completely off the wheel - these things have a life of their own and we are often quite peripheral. Mind yourself.

Another point - and it may or may not be relevant in your case OP - I have seen in recent years a disturbing development where younger people (maybe older too, I have not seen it) are using the threat of and even attempts at suicide as what seems (to me) almost like leverage in personal and relationship issues. Sorry if that sounds harsh - I am not trying to undermine the deep pain of people - I know that urge and pain.
Suicide has become more commonplace or more acknowledged or more in the public arena (something like that) and one of the spin offs seems to be a kind of brazen complacency about suicide threats. Even a complacency or maybe I should say acceptance about the act of suicide as a valid option in response to terrible circumstances. When I was young there was suicide - a couple of friends died that way - but there was also a deeply ingrained horror about it. It was a last resort. It was serious. It was final, death, irreversible, not something to be in any way casual about. Some how to fight for one's life was more compelling, the more deeply human option. Now I know more than a couple of people who have sent my young adult kids text messages / phone calls threatening suicide if they feel they are being abandoned or frustrated in their desire to have a relationship, or even just friendship. If not actually threatening, then dropping the word casually, or being suggestive of it -- ''I don't think I can go on'' -- that kind of thing. Maybe this is part of the natural evolution of a dark feature of life coming out more into the open, that we become more familiar, more casual - but it is also dangerous. And very open to abuse or manipulation. Be aware.

Big Bag of Chips

His first (that you know of) suicide attempt came before you two were close. His second he is attributing to being because you were going to be moving away. He says he can't go back to Ireland because he hates his life there, yet has attempted suicide twice in Australia, so obviously life in Australia isn't too good for him either.

I heard a phrase once and it was: wherever you go, there you are. This man has troubles. Lots of troubles and no one person or situation is going to fix them for him. His issues go far far deeper than liking someone and having them move away, or being unhappy in one area so moving to a different area. If he hates life in Ireland, he seems to equally hate life in Australia. He is the same person, regardless of where he lives and who he's friends with.

Turning his second suicide attempt on to you is very manipulative, and addicts are expert manipulators. He had all these problems, addictions, mental health problems ever before you came along. But now that you are close and you are being kind you are do easy to pin the responsibility on. You may feel a sense of responsibility, but do not confuse it with love. It's nice to feel needed and required, but it is not nice to be manipulated and harrassed.

How much of your daily talks are centred on you? How much of them are all about him?

This is not a good situation for you. Until he is no longer an addict, then he cannot possibly be in the frame of mind to consider another person. You are a crutch for him. Any feelings are artificial masked by the situation. Best thing you can do for him is tell him you can see how he needs to concentrate solely on getting well before you two should even consider getting closer. He will cry, beg, tell you he needs you, it's worthless without you etc. But none of it is real. You already know that, though.

If you are due to move soon, I would suggest the best thing you can do, for both of you, is continue with that plan.

WIZWEB

I'm not going to give a single piece of advice. Just an example of a very similar opportunity to yours that I willingly decided to enter into. My experience so not a judgment on all addicts. Many in time successfully address THEIR issues and go on to lead normal lives. Massive kudos deserved. I wouldn't wish this affliction they have on my worst enemy. It's a serious illness and I've great respect for those that do abstain or attempt to. Every alcoholic/addict is different though like any other person so this is just an example of one I knew. Most are not physically violent and may just do physical harm to themselves and not another person. There's a spectrum too so my experience might be a little extreme compared to yours if you decide to undertake it. Only one way of finding out

Years ago I fell for an alcoholic. They say love is blind....

Wonderful guy when sober which got rarer over the years. In fact I spent 8.5 years with him. I knew enough about what I was getting into as he was a friend for a long time first. The then martyr/caretaker/fixer/co-dependent/Fool in me believed he just needed a lot of love and the right person to change him Fact known now is that none of us can change anybody. Even the professionals will admit that! Has to be an active choice addicts make themselves when/if ready as continuously evidenced through attempting lifelong sobriety.

After a few months I moved country with him. I bought us some furniture to make us comfortable as it wasn't going to appear itself. Many beer and wine glasses always came in handy too. Regularly needed replacements from his various inibriated accidents. The emotional, physical and psychological abuse wasn't long coming my way when isolated. Everyone warned me in advance about what I was getting myself into. But sure I ignored all this as I knew better of course!

Wow what an enabler I was even after we both accepted the excuse that it was the alcohol not him that resulted in jumping up and down on my chest and cracking my ribs a couple of months in. There were many more violent incidents like that over the years. I'll never forget being thrown down a flight of stairs as a birthday present and spending Xmas day in bed a few days later so as not to embarrass him in front of his family with my injuries.

The infidelities that I was aware of were well into double figures before my eventual escape. Again it was the drinks fault we agreed! He went through a multitude of jobs over the years. Can't recall how he lost them Barely payed his way even when employed as money was supporting the bar trade. Then there were the occasional interactions with the police after fights he caused with others, me loosing a job over a black eye and more cracked ribs etc. Sure none of it was his fault the bloody drink you know.

There was the regular falling asleep in mid slurred incomprehensible sentences, often in a pub/club/toilet/at home/lane/in front of my family and friends/anywhere really. Oh how I miss his loud drunken intellectual soliloquies. I'd usually make a quick excuse when he dozed and ensured he got to bed safe and sound. I never really questioned him waking up the next morning to a breakfast of a glass or three of wine on the occasions he did decide to come home. Sometimes he stayed out for days. Cleaning him up after he vomited on, pissed or crapped himself was normal. All three occurring together was like winning the lottery every few months. Sure I voluntarily signed up to all this and would eventually prove everyone wrong by fixing him!

He rarely engaged in any professional services for too long. Sure you know why and I would agree with him of course! I'd occasionally kick up over the years because of these various little dramas but sure that was just another excuse to drive him in the usual direction....

I could write a book here on the CHOICES I made back then to become an enabling doormat. You see nobody forced me into it and sure I was all he needed (in my fantasy) being the martyr I was.... Look at me, two pints over a rare night of me drinking so I knew I would eventually teach him my secret of 'normality'.

Eventually I sobered up (no pun intended) and threw him out as I got tired of all of the above and so much more. Icing on the cake was introducing me to a drinking buddy of his in my home and suggesting we sleep together! Sure it wasn't his fault we know....

Over the years together and afterwards there were many threats of suicide. I'd run and jump and baby him, victim that he was to his manipulative infliction. Was often told it was my fault just like his alcoholism! While never paying our mortgage he somehow managed to quickly get a place nearby which I could luckily easily access in a five minute run. Was always happy to experience my chosen volunteer role 24/7 at his beck and call as his ever available carer. Perhaps my misguided guilt was encouraged by his suicidal whims.

We both laughed together after hearing he collapsed in a fit outside the local off license while breaking three bottles of wine and almost bitting off his tongue. That wasn't funny of course, it was him showing off his nappy and catheter in hospital afterwards. Not one of his drinking buddies visited him while there for three days. Albeit it was a brief stay as he had other priorities so discharged himself early.

I 'eventually' woke up (I know!!!!!) and finally put a stop to my engagement in all this insanity. After a time he moved abroad to his real parents. Even begged me to follow! He has a replacement caretaker (partner) now of several years who he admits has recently developed alcoholism too. Doesn't blame himself of course for encouraging this. Sure nothing was ever his fault. I knew that! Probably mine.

We email each other approximately once a year now. I've long forgiven but not forgotten. Serious alcohol abuse related physical health issues are catching up on him now. He and his current enabler have my sympathy but always and only from afar.


Best of luck whatever you choose

EnikoSas

Thank you so much for all of the advice, I really appreciate it and as usual it’s been spot on.

Things have gone from bad to worse though, the relationship has intensified, we speak everyday on Facebook and on the phone for 3-4 hours a day. Any slight thing I do or say (like when I had to rearrange our plans to meet) triggers his depression majorly and then I have to deal with him telling me he hates himself, it’s hopeless, he’s giving up treatment etc.. all because of one thing I’ve done. Last night I called him because he said he really needed to talk and he ended up talking me out of going to work today to spend the day with him. I was crying for so long last night because of how hard it’s been. When I say this all out loud I feel as though I’m being manipulated but I also have feelings for him. I feel I am in the clutches of a very toxic and destructive relationship and I don’t know how to get out. I can’t remember the last time I thought about myself, it’s all been about him. If I detach he will have no one and I’m afraid he’ll commit suicide. And I don’t even know how to detach, or if I want to because I’m in so deep. It feels like hell right now.

WIZWEB

OP I'm seeing my last admittedly long post didn't resonate very much with you. I didn't offer any advice there but I hoped you'd get the gist of my message.....I'll offer some advice here based on your posts. Ignore it now if you think I'm going to enable this toxicity by not being hard on you....

. You know he's being incredibly manipulative towards you yet you still choose to continue engaging with him. That's on you not him. He's the one that's got a serious mental illness so he has an excuse. Ask yourself what's yours.

. There is absolutely nothing you can do about his real or imaginary suicidal threats on a phone or Facebook. Take a step back from your emotions and try look at this logically. He's the one in control and with the power here as long as you play his game. Stop enabling his dysfunctional worldview.

. Let the psychiatrists deal with his complex mental health issues. Inform them of his suicidal ideation if you really are worried about him. You have no influence over his choices one way or the other. He decides whatever he will do now, never or in the future. Im sorry but you're not Florence Nightingale. The professionals are the experts so let them help him if he wants it. You can't so no point in making yourself a martyr to his/your cause. He managed to survive just fine before you came into his life so you're not needed as much as he pretends or you think.

. Forgive my bluntness but I've no idea how a 'relationship' intensifies over the phone and FB. It's not the real world and again he has an excuse for not currently residing there. You talk about your fears of upsetting his 'triggers' yet you choose to spend up to four hours a day conversing with this already emotionally exhausted and vulnerable person who's most likely currently going through serious detox.

. You spoke in your first post about being in 100% agreement with his parents to take him home from the psychiatric ward. That's incredibly selfish behaviour on both your parts. This lad is incredibly ill to be sectioned there. Even he knows that! He's there because he needs to be there so leave him there. He is in no fit state to meet your or their needs.

OP life is all about choices and sometimes there are very serious consequences. Enabling toxic behaviours never curtails them. Read my first post if you need evidence. Speaking of choices you've loads including one that allows you to just walk away from all this drama. No ifs, and or buts. He's an adult. You're not related to him and it sounds like you barely even know him in the real world. Enablers never ever help addicts recover. I should know! Quite the opposite as you can see from my and other peoples experiences. As long as we condone we encourage. Let this lad make his own choices for him and you make the right one that you need to make for you. Otherwise much of my first post might become your reality.

Bambi985

WIZWEB wrote: »

OP life is all about choices and sometimes there are very serious consequences.

This. You need to seriously think about this OP, without thinking about how you'd like to find some joy or comfort or instant gratification today. Because that's what the four hour phone calls are about - connecting with someone you have serious feelings for, having your ego boosted by your crush in an unhealthy way. Being "needed" by him, but what about you?

What do you need in your life now, next week, in five years? Where do you see yourself? What do you want from a partner? Assumedly security, stability, emotional support, perhaps a family, maybe a wedding, definitely an equal partnership. All of these things are out of your reach with him. I sympathise with him as he's obviously very seriously mentally ill, but he's offering you nothing, least of all any promise of a happy future where your needs are as important as his own.

Sometimes love is not enough. Repeat that to yourself a few times. Sometimes love is not enough. I got out of a relationship with the love of my life a few months ago because I knew that there was only heartache and misery ahead of us due to his addiction and I'd given enough chances to ever be able to say at least I didn't see it coming. I felt it in my gut, just like you know in your gut that this 'relationship' is wrong wrong wrong and leading you to a place of personal crisis. I miss my ex every day and the love has yet to fade. And it's totally fine and OK and normal for me to feel that way. At the time of the breakup a friend said to me - "you should feel that way. Of course you feel that way. But it doesn't mean you have to act on those feelings. Just let yourself feel that way, knowing that those feelings will pass eventually and you've made the right decision for yourself'

Don't be led down the wrong path in life because of your emotions. Don't let your feelings control your life. It's OK to have fallen for this guy, but it's not ok to get your life entangled in a web of emotional blackmail and panic and crisis and enabling just because of those feelings. Feel that way, but make the right decisions for the both of you. Phase out the calls with him. Become less available and contact his health care provider and/or family when the suicidal threats start. Whilst he's leaning this heavily on you, he's not in recovery as he's simply swapped out one addiction for another.

Do it OP, otherwise you're looking down the barrel of a gun for the coming years. Your needs won't matter, they don't even matter now. Give him the space you both need.

Big Bag of Chips

I have posted many many times about my friend's husband. He has his issues. He is an alcoholic, a drug addict, a gambler and a chronic mental health sufferer. And you know what, it is always someone else's fault. Every binge he goes on is someone else's fault. Every time he doesn't show up to see his children it's someone else's fault. Every job he loses through not going in is someone else's fault. Getting caught drunk driving with a significant quantity of drugs in the car was someone else's fault. Every fight he got into, every stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing he has ever done has always been someone else's fault. His addictions are someone else's fault. His marriage breaking down is someone else's fault.

"Your fella" isn't different. He's not special. He's not unique. He's an alcoholic. Alcoholics are inherently selfish. They haven't the capacity to have any meaningful feelings for anyone else because they are only interested in themselves and getting what they need at any given time. They may have moments of lucidity in the middle of all their troubles when they realise they are their own worst enemy and need to sort themselves out. But for as long as enablers are standing there waiting, the alcoholic will always revert to type. He is only interested in him and how tough his life is and how nobody understands (it's why 4-5 hours a day is spent talking about him and how tough his life is etc). He is no different to every other alcoholic/addict out there. I suggest you read up on it and see. Although I think you're not strong enough now to do anything about it. He's already convincing you to do things against you better judgement.

I don't think you are going to hear any advice right now. But you being in so much contact with him is not helping. Him or you. There's a reason that in places like that the patients generally aren't allowed mobile phones. It's to stop interference and distraction from the outside when trying to get better. It's to curtail their ability to manipulate people on the outside to do what they ask (often times alcoholics will beg/manipulate people into bringing drink to them, for example). How is he concentrating on what he is supposed to be concentrating on when he is spending such a huge portion of his day communicating with you about how terrible his life is? He is wallowing, and you are encouraging it. How exactly is that helping?

You won't listen to advice here, so I wish you well because this WILL end in tears, and it will take a very very strong person to be able to put a stop to this car crash. If you are determine to stick this out, at least start going to some Al-Anon meetings, and for God's sake keep your job. If you are going to hitch your wagon to someone do volatile, unreliable and with addiction problems you're going to need money and an outlet away from them for your own sake.

Big Bag of Chips

EnikoSas wrote: »

I was crying for so long last night because of how hard it’s been.

And it's really only been a few days. Imagine still feeling like this at Christmas, and in 3 years time and in 15 years time. Imagine that stress of feeling solely responsible for the happiness of someone who will never be happy. However much you do, there will always be something else he needs. Imagine losing all your family and friends because he gets so upset and suicidal when you arrange to go out to meet them. Imagine the stress and pressure of having to miss work, family events, occasions, friends' nights out/birthdays because he can't cope with not being with you. And he can't go along because he can't cope with being around people.

Believe me, OP. You are only starting on this journey and this is how bad you are feeling. Why, why would you knowingly walk headlong into this? Most people who are struggling with an addict in their lives and feeling that upset have been there for years, and things have progressively gotten worse. It didn't start out like this, but over the years this is where it they ended up. There's history, ties, marriages, properties, children etc all things that make it difficult to walk away. They have gone from 0-60 over a period of years/decades.

You have gone from 0-60 in days.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, is this guy still in hospital? Because you mentioned at the start that he had no phone yet you were talking for hours on the hospital phone. And now you mention talking on Facebook. Where did this phone come from?

If he's in hospital, you really need to butt out out and leave his treatment up to his parents and the medics. (Though if they're allowing him to spend on this time on the phone to you, it makes me wonder what's going on). He is going to continue to be suicidal and in trouble unless he gets proper treatment. And because he has you to talk to, you are denying this to him. If he had a physical illness which needed to be treated in a hospital, would you be OK with taking him home before the treatment was finished? Or would you think that the medication the doctors were prescribing weren't what he needed and that you had better options in your medicine cabinet?