Don'y'know what to do.

LegacyUser

Hi,
I am in my late forties and married for twenty five years. I'm doing my best to stay with my partner but I am so so lonely. We haven't gone out in years. Netflix appears more interesting than me most times. Sex is no exsistant, we haven't kissed in years. I decided to book a weekend away but now I've been told I can bring my oldest daughter as he's not interested. He says so much to hurt me and then apologies but does it again and again.
This is only a short description of our relationship and I'm just so sad. What else can I do. I've spoken to him and told him how I feel. He will say we will be fine but it never changes and we go back to the same old way. He doesn't listen when I tell him about my day. Doesn't remember things about me or my job. I look after out children to the point that they'll say they'd rather I dropped them to friends etc. I cannot force a relationship between them and their dad and I've said as much to him but he will blame them.
He's just got up and went to bed without saying anything to me. I know this is confusing to read but I need advice. I had a male friend whom I lost contact with but I am so tempted to contact them again. I know if i do it could lead to more than friends and part of me wants that. I need to be loved and cared for. I need conversation and fun and sex and someone to find me interesting. I'm not boring or ugly. I kane some people will feel I should stick this out for the children but is my life only for that now. Maybe my friend would remain a friend only and even that would be better. At least i would have met my basic needs in most areas.
Please don't think I'm taking this lightly I am not

Big Bag of Chips

Solonley wrote: »

I've spoken to him and told him how I feel. He will say we will be fine but it never changes and we go back to the same old way.

So what is your plan? You have tried to approach him and discuss it and he ignores it.

And then you ignore it and you (both) "go back to the same old way". You have choices. You have options. You don't have to wait for him to suddenly become a different person. YOU can become a different person. You can stop accepting that life. You can tell him that you've had enough and either you work on your marriage together or you will start the process of ending it. Do you even want to stay married to him?

I'm usually very slow to suggest someone end's a marriage, but 1 person alone can't make a marriage work. You can make a marriage last far longer than it should have by not having the courage to end it, but a long marriage doesn't necessarily mean a marriage that works.

Try talk to him once more. Let him know how serious this has become for you. He doesn't realise that. You often say how you're not happy, he doesn't change and everything continues on the same. So right now he has no reason to change anything about his behaviour. You need to make him see. And if you threaten to end your relationship over this then you have to be prepared to carry through on it.

Don't have an affair. Don't look for your "needs to be met" elsewhere. That will immediately turn you into the bad guy. If you want the opportunity of meeting someone else, sort out your current relationship first. It has been done many many times. It can be done.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Persiancowboy

Sad and lonely situation to be in.

You didn't mention in your post whether you still loved your husband...do you? What exactly is keeping you in this relationship...children? Love? Money/house?

If these things are not major factors, then why stay? When you talk about possibly re-igniting an old friendship it seems to me it's about more than companionship...you're looking for intimacy as well. Perfectly understandable to me but have you really thought out what having an affair is going to do to your current situation?

As a male in your age bracket and married as long as you, i think it's easy for couples to become stale and start taking their relationships and one another for granted. He seems to have given up in this regard...pointless for anyone here to speculate as to why that might be.....maybe you know?

You are rightly not prepared to accept this awful situation any longer and you are entitled to at least the respect and courtesy of an explanation and some engagement on trying to resolve this matter. Stay strong and don't accept his vague and non-committal assurances that things will get better. If he can't be arsed making an effort then you have some big decisions to make. Good luck...

nikkibikki

"He will say we will be fine...." Sorry but you are pouring your heart out telling him you are unhappy and he just decides that you both will be fine so end of conversation? Your feelings and your happiness are important OP. Don't let them be disregarded. Sit him down and explain that you've had enough of being ignored, your marriage is at a critical stage and if things don't change immediately that unfortunately it will likely spell the end of your marriage. I'm not saying he needs to drastically change immediately but I would be expecting some effort on his part.

nikkibikki

With regards to the kids and him blaming them, he needs to realise that he is the adult in the relationship between him and them and it's up to him to put some effort into this relationship also. Even if you and him do separate, he should still make an effort with his kids. But he might not.

wiggle16

Hi OP

That's an awful situation to be in, and I know where you're coming from (I was in more or less the same situation, though sans kids, thankfully, and not for nearly as long). It is a very tough situation to be in and unless you've been there it's very hard to understand what it means to be made lonely by a relationship. It's horrible.

The other side of it is that it's quite clear that he is also unhappy. That doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you whatsoever, nor does it mean you're responsible for it. But you need to get to the bottom of why he has become this way, because ultimately nothing will change if that is not addressed. "Fine" isn't good enough after this long.

You need to sit him down and explain exactly how you feel, and what is making you feel this way, and what it is doing to you and your relationship. Make it clear that this is as serious as it gets and you cannot stick it any longer. Be calm about it, but be honest about it. Ask him what's wrong, and why he himself is unhappy - I don't want to be OTT, do keep your cool: those reasons may not be ones you'd expect, or easy to hear, or may not be put kindly. You've been with him for a long time, so you both deserve honesty, but give it calmly and receive it calmly. If he tries to tell you things will be fine, tell him they won't.

Obviously, where you go from there will depend on how he reacts and if or how he engages with it. If he does, give him one more chance to turn things around. This can be fixed if you both want it.
If he will not, I don't think there's anything more you can do. You'll also have to really ask yourself if he is capable of making changes, even if he says he will: I'm loathe to advocating anyone breaking up after so long, and I don't want to, but you'll have to decide if you can really see it changing, and if you can see yourself being happy together again.

If you can't, then you cannot stay with someone simply because you have children together (as flippant as that sounds), and it's not good for them either - this has to be affecting them too, no matter how brave a face you put on. It is better for kids to have two happy parents who live apart than two parents who are desperately unhappy under the one roof. If the only thing keeping you together is your children, that's no life to lead, and fair on none of you. It might sound cruel, but this is your relationship, not theirs. If you cannot make it work, they will adapt.

Lastly, OP: don't have an affair. From a practical point of view, you have enough on your plate with one unfulfilling relationship, you really do not need two. From a pragmatic point of view, it is not a solution to your loneliness or lack of intimacy and will make you feel worse, because it's really not what you want, or you would have done it already. The idea is exciting and tempting when it seems attainable but the reality is different, it gets old quickly and doesn't age well. More importantly, your kids would find it much harder to forgive than if you and your husband simply part ways. You will come out the bad guy, and that is very hard to repair. An affair just isn't worth it.

I wish you the very best of luck OP, and I hope it works out for you whatever happens x

Purple Mountain

I don't have any advice to offer as I'm not married but to say that's a horrendous situation and I would consider it very unhealthy and even a form of emotional abuse.
You have received very good and honest advice here so best of luck in your journey and remember you and your kids deserve love and respect.

Ghekko

Someone else posed the question - do you still love him? That is a vital question. Are you still attracted to him? Do you want to make the marriage work for your sake, not the kids? What would he do if you sat beside him on the couch and took his hand or kissed him? It sounds like you are stuck in a huge rut. We're not far behind you in terms of age/married years. We've been through rough patches, separate counselling for our own issues which helped, and come through it. Have you thought about counselling - maybe separately first and then couples? I suppose you need to ascertain why he is so unhappy and unwilling to be involved in family life. Does he go out with friends or work colleagues? How does he behave if you visit family/friends? Has he had depression in the past or could it be a possibility now? I do think you need to have a serious chat with him (one more attempt) and even write down all your concerns and how his behaviour affects you if you feel unable to say it out loud.
If all else fails and he's not willing to work on things, can you afford to separate? Don't let the kids be the reason you stay together anyway as you cannot put yourself through another few years of misery.

December2012

I would get some legal advice and see what options are available to you.

You cannot make this person love you. You cannot make them change their actions. You know from long enough now that things will not change.

So you're going to have to end the relationship, and its just a question of if you do it now, or in the future.

Get some counselling too, to help you make the best decision you can make for yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi, Op here,
Just wanted to thank everyone for replying and offering advice. I really appreciate it as I cannot share with anyone else.
I suppose to answer some questions, I stay not only for kids, finances or our home but somewhere in me I do love him and want what we had back. I feel he us almost afraid of who I am now. I went back to college and loved learning . Now I am confident and I speak my mind..maybe too much.
I have told home that if he continues to bury his head in the sand our marriage will disappear as will I. I've said that he's pushing me away and that I need people and will find someone male or female with whom I can have fun, talk, travel etc. I'm not sure if he thinks I'm making idle threats or what. He says he's tired with work..i get that. He's says he wants the same things I do and with me...but I'm not sure. There's no one else involved and although depression has crossed my mind it's not the issue. He doesn't socialise with anyone but does get on with his family. When he is speaking to others he's his old self..that sentence is saying something to me but I'm not sure what.
I tried to hug him and take his hand ,having to test him like this sounds crazy after all our time together, he did respond and we still fit..its a familiar comfortable feeling.
I have often told him the relationship between him and our kids is his to make or not..he will just say okay I get you and not really change. Our older children are closer to him than the younger couple. I have a good relationship with all of them but it take constant work.
I don't know any more really. Some days I want to fight for this others I just want to build my own future. I agree it's not an affair I want it's a friend..preferably male. I have good girl friends. Guess I'm as confused as ever.

Ghekko

Could it be that he may not feel worthy of you since you've grown in confidence and gone to college? He may feel a little left behind seeing you progress yourself (which is amazing by the way). He does sound a little depressed which would explain a lot - tired, lack of motivation for yours and the family's relationship. It's good that you still love him and I think you can build on this and make another attempt to work things out. He sees your threats as idle threats as you have not yet acted on them so unless you follow through on something he's probably not going to take you seriously. I'd be inclined to try and drag him along on the weekend you booked. Let him know it's him you want there and not one of the kids. Tell him you love him and just want to work things out. You say you still fit and that is something to focus on. I really feel for you both. Life can be so **** at times.