I get really angry during online arguments but I can't stop myself commenting

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Bit of an odd issue but one I'd like advice on anyway. I can't stop myself from becoming involved in heated online arguments even though they make me really angry.

The way it happens is this: I find something valuable to say on a forum, or something I at least think is valuable. I post my comment, and then often people reply in really snotty, snarky ways. For some strange reason, this hits my ego really hard, and I become really defensive. I'm outspoken on some issues (although not a racist or anything like that).

I don't know why I see it as a personal affront that some people get snotty with me. And I don't know what draws me to continue heated arguments, often insulting people with swear words, even though such arguments add nothing to my life.

Perhaps this is all out of loneliness and social anxiety. I'm in therapy for the latter at the moment and maybe I see people's disagreement with my comments online as further confirmation that people are always out to reject me. Maybe it just makes me sad and angry because I'm already vulnerable from negative biases of thinking. I don't know.

Weirdly though, I feel drawn to constantly comment even though it's not good for me. Maybe that has to do with the fact that commenting online gives me a sense of connection to the world that's missing from my offline life.

I've tried to join sports clubs etc for my social anxiety but I'm 28 and I feel resigned to being an awkward eejit who will never build a social life.

Thanks for any advice.

Malayalam

''Until the whole world is free
to agree with you
or disagree with you…
Until you have given
the freedom to everyone
to like you or not like you,
to love you or hate you,
to see things as you see them
or to see things differently
—until you have given
the whole world its freedom—
you’ll never have your freedom…
— Adyashanti

The point is ....FREEDOM. It's one of the best states possible, I reckon - and to allow others their freedom is to enable your own.

Widen your mental and emotional arena, understand your internal consciousness to be vastly spacious, infinite even - and then others words and opinions, your own words and opinions , rejections, praise, thoughts and conditionings, all get to seem smaller and smaller and eventually fairly puny in the wide, wide space of freedom.

Only a few things then - like love, birth, death - remain relevant. The rest is diversion and entertainment.

RockDesk

Maybe try writing the reply but not posting it, that way you get your thoughts down in writing but you won't have to deal with the reaction? For a while anyway until you feel like you can deal with the replies without reacting strongly. You will always have people who are posting just to get a reaction - try not to take the bait.

Franz Von Peppercorn

Agree with that. Type the reply offline first. Wait. Look at it. Take out anything snooty or offensive and post.

The other guy might also be frustrated online as well so don’t take the replies seriously.

HandsomeBob

I always found that the internet can compound things when we're feeling vunerable, so perhaps it's just best to look after yourself by taking a step back from it for awhile.

Online is full of illusions and people trying to put their best foot forward, indulging in the cult of self celebrity so to speak. So the best thing you can do is just remind yourself of the absurdity of it all and that in reality, people aren't going to be shouting each other down and abusing each other, as they're ruled by social etiquette. By the same token you should perhaps take a note of that and check your own tone when responding to someone online. Easiest way to do that is to stop and think one thing; if this was a face to face conversation, is this really how I would put this, and is this really how I feel even unfiltered?

leggo

RockDesk wrote: »

Maybe try writing the reply but not posting it, that way you get your thoughts down in writing but you won't have to deal with the reaction? For a while anyway until you feel like you can deal with the replies without reacting strongly. You will always have people who are posting just to get a reaction - try not to take the bait.

Yeah I’ll often do this, it’s great advice. I used to get into these kind of arguments daily, and still occasionally find myself drawn in, but I’ve gotten better at stepping back and catching myself. I’ll often write a reply out and have it there ready to post, then leave it until later when I’ve fully processed any emotions that went into it to see if I want to continue.

The thing you have to remember is: nobody cares. Seeing two people in a thread on here, for example, fighting with emotions involved and throwing digs is just annoying to everyone else. You could get absolutely savaged in the most popular thread in AH, or torn into in a quote-tweet by a famous person who gets loads of likes on their post...and then you’d walk to the shop and not one person you’d encounter on your way would give a ****. Even if you were the one on the side getting loads of likes. It’s empty, it’s meaningless, and only stuff you say on sites like Facebook or Instagram with loads of personal friends will ever even get mentioned in the real world. And, at that, if it’s an argument people tend to just view it as funny gossip, with people close to you going to take your side whether you’re right or wrong. If they don’t then they’re not someone worth having in your field so that’s why the block button was invented (I once blocked someone I saw as a close friend when he started getting into the habit of trolling my every status, it feels good to actively get that negativity out of your life). So you can spend hours expending mental energy and neglecting other aspects of your life only to find...absolutely nothing has changed and you don’t feel better.

A good, constructive debate can be healthy and rewarding. Just make sure that what you’re doing is constructive towards your own life. The people angering you win if you’re wasting your life trying to get them to admit they’re wrong, which they ultimately will never do.

Malayalam

HandsomeBob wrote: »

I always found that the internet can compound things when we're feeling vunerable, so perhaps it's just best to look after yourself by taking a step back from it for awhile.

Online is full of illusions and people trying to put their best foot forward, indulging in the cult of self celebrity so to speak. So the best thing you can do is just remind yourself of the absurdity of it all and that in reality, people aren't going to be shouting each other down and abusing each other, as they're ruled by social etiquette. By the same token you should perhaps take a note of that and check your own tone when responding to someone online. Easiest way to do that is to stop and think one thing; if this was a face to face conversation, is this really how I would put this, and is this really how I feel even unfiltered?

Agree with all this Handsome Bob. Except one thing I discovered fairly late in life. After years of self employment I spent a couple of years in a work place and I was shocked beyond belief at how vicious and disgusting some people could be behind the backs of others. It made me feel ill and nervous to hear people casually say the most vile things about colleagues they would be perfectly civil to, face to face. Sometimes online is like that horrific back biting, but in black and white.

Ursus Horribilis

I agree about typing out the reply but not sending it. I've seen people recommend writing a letter and burning it/not sending it when there's someone in their life getting under their skin. Sometimes people on boards p*ss me off too and I build up a head of steam. Then I look at what I've typed and go "Naah". There are times when it gets through but I'm not so bad now.

What also might be worth trying is picturing the person you're attacking. Sitting there, behind a computer screen or on their phone. It can be easy to forget there's a live human being behind those words and that if you met in person, you'd probably not behave like this. They don't know you or any of the good things about you. You're just someone they disagree with. You're more than just your words.

Also, are these topics worth embroiling yourself in arguments over? What I've learned is that there's no point in trying to change the mind of someone who holds trenchant views. You can get as angry as you want, they'll get mad too. And all for what? You'll both walk away still thinking your're in the right and that the other person is a tosspot.

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Ave Sodalis

You are far from alone with being drawn in to online arguments. I used to, I've seen it happen to many people over the years on here and other online sites, I've also seen the effect of it in real life when a friend or family member gets drawn in. You don't even have to comment and you can still feel angry.

I agree with the other posters about leaving a reply until later. I would also suggest figuring out which topics get under your skin and avoid them. Don't even click into them. I won't go near threads in AH about single mothers, or the many, many dole bashing ones because I know they'll annoy me.

If you feel you can't avoid clicking into things you know are going to make you angry, then I'd start thinking about cutting back on your online presence. Start unliking/unfollowing rubbish pages on Facebook/Twitter, unfollow (you don't have to unfriend) people on Facebook who you have a differing opinion to, remove your reddit account or any other like that. It's a bad habit, and almost, in my own opinion, a bit of an addiction. The only way to break it is to dishabituate yourself and avoid getting yourself into situations where you could begin to argue. Eventually, you stop caring.

Hi OP, interesting issue. I used to be obsessed with a particular sports team and spent hours (God, so much time wasted) arguing about team selections, players' form, new prospects, opposition etc. I was a full expert. i knew virtually everything worth knowing about the state of the squad, and the condition of the squads of our main rivals. If I totalled up the hours of my life I gave to the obsession it would definitely add up to months of my life. Then one day I realised I was spending my life discussing other people's lives. I was discussing how good other people were at living their life while I was letting my own one pass me by.

I realised the thing I enjoyed most about the boards was the writing, not the exchange of ideas so I gave up those boards completely and worked on my writing (and refocused on pastimes I really enjoyed, friends, running, hiking, seeing gigs etc).

Personally I think they are very unhealthy past a certain level and I monitor my behaviour to make sure I keep my worst impulses in check. Ultimately, I realised I was spending my life arguing about meaningless things with people I didn't know, and possibly wouldn't want to know in real life.

Good luck.

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beefburrito

I myself used to get very heated in online debates, but then I took the blindfold off and decided to read others points of view and research it more.

I had an old account a few year's ago, I was a real bad boy in the Atheism and Agnostism threads and the cyclists forums.

Got banned

When I look back I realized I didn't do enough research about both subjects, it was me being more emotionally charged rather than rational.

Now I'm an Agnostic rather than religious and thinking of getting a mountain bike and getting wrecked on the green roads of the Burren.

No longer do I get emotionally involved in debates, if I realize I'm out of my dept or am winding people up I stop...

For myself there's no point in being a sht head, it's pointless.....

WIZWEB

OP I'd try not to take it PERSONAL. Breaking it down to the facts helps. Here's some examples of how these can be proved online....

Is perennialarguer2018 your first or last name or a combination of both on your birth certificate? I'm guessing actually insisting neither so feel free to argue against me to prove me wrong! Remember it really doesn't matter to me and if I'm a troll this could be fun

I've most likely never met you and never will so I've no idea what you look like. I could make a comment about your fat fingers right now or how your 26 inch waist doesn't suit you Is such a comment relevant? Does it even matter?? Will what you write down be believed and how can you even prove it. Can you writing an extra thousand word or any replies prove/disprove a single fact to me?

So OP I've decided based on the presented evidence that you actually are a racist. You're actually a Chinese lesbian homophobic racist with a penis dwarfish 6 foot in height an ugly model fat skinny one at that. Not only am I 110% sure of all this but so is everyone else posting here. We're all laughing at you. Together right now! We all know that you really have nothing interesting to say and anything you do say can't ever prove me wrong. See where I'm going here....

As someone pointed out emotions appear to be triggered and then they spiral out of control. A bit of CBT might help you. When we have a healthy enmeshment of logical and emotional responses we usually see our situations very different. Opinions are like ars3holes. We all got them! Though feel free to disagree or argue against this. I may or may not reply!

Hotblack Desiato

Just as an aside to the previous post...

A good tip I heard years ago is this -

Do NOT google CBT in work, ever. Even if safe search is on :eek:

jigglypuffstuff

There's no need to get angry over what other people think.

99.9% of people are a result of their mental programming. You'll rarely if ever know a person who hasn't been conditioned to an extremely high degree...as they'll probably be outcasts/loners due either or both an inability and lack of desire to conform to societal norms. People are prisoners to their environment and experiences and as such, think, feel, speak and act accordingly within these limitations

Online forums are good for discussion in some cases.. but a failure to recognise the above statement means becoming emotionally invested... Try to avoid that if possible

Accept the above and you might find yourself to be a lot less angry with others

5rtytry56

pone2012 wrote: »

99.9% of people are a result of their mental programming.

"Man is born free but everywhere he is in chains"