Problems in Houseshare

#Smokey#

To cut a long story short I (26M) moved into a 4 bed house with another lad (30) and 2 women (27+32), while not knowing any of them previously and they didnt know each other either, around 6 months ago and from the get go the 32yo woman tried to impose her decorating style on the living room and changing everything around to the way she liked it, so I had a house meeting and we explained that common area decor is to be decided and discussed by everyone first and that you cant just plonk feminine stuff all over the common areas as me and the other guy live here also and she stormed out of the house after saying she she pays X amount to rent a room in the house and returned hours later so me and the other lad decided to let her cool off which she did a few days later.

A friend of hers that used to live with her previously came over to stay for a few weeks, she did ask if this was ok will all of us first, and I got talking to her friend, she told me that none of her friends would live with her after the last lease ran out and they made up a fake person to pretend the last room in the new place they moved into was already taken.

I work an early shift so I'm always the first home and buy fuel for the fire and end up lighting it but in the last few weeks i've just found the constant remarks about the place not being cleaned to their standards which seem to be impossible to achieve unless they are the ones doing the cleaning and even though I am the only person who has consistently followed the cleaning/chore rota, a bit too much so i've resigned to relaxing in my room and stopped buying fuel for the fire or lighting it, que the 2 girls asking me and the other lad to throw in money for fuel for the fire even though I never asked and they never offered money towards any fuel i bought. So we threw a bit of money in and then all of a sudden the girls start sending messages to our whatsapp group about "no point having all that fuel there if nobody is lighting the fire" and "whoever is home first should light the fire" I am always home early and that has always been the case so its obviously aimed at me.

Anyway the reason I'm posting here is that I'm wondering should I start mediating again and and putting myself through hassle of sorting their childish attitudes out or am I just being too soft?

Obviously we all have our quirks and habits but as adults there is no need to take out your mood on anyone else or expect someone to cater to your whims and then complain when they wont. It feels like i'm the only adult in the house yet im the youngest there.

I know I would probably be better off getting my own place but rent in Dublin is crazy.

Rekop dog

There doesn't seem too much out of the ordinary there to be honest.

The decor issue wouldn't bother me too much, I'd leave her at it. If you end up living with a girlfriend one day you'll find this is the norm in most cases anyway.

You should all chip in for a cleaner imo, they're really cheap and will keep the place at a higher state of cleanliness than you could probably care to achieve.

The fire thing seems a bit petty from all sides. Just sit down together and discuss it.

None of the issues seem worthy of falling out over or indeed moving out as there are far worse house share problems you can encounter that would make these issues seem trivial in comparison.

As an aside, the friend of the girl seems very ungrateful. She let her stay in your place for a few weeks but then ends up bitching about her behind her back. I wouldnt take her opinion on your housemate too seriously if that's her standards of integrity.

georgina toadbum

Unless she's decorating the place with swastikas I don't see the problem. If there is an issue with the standard of cleaning and you feel like what you do isn't good enough, suggest getting a cleaner. That's what we did in my last house share when one of the housemates had exceptionally high standards.

#Smokey#

She tried putting photos of herself all over the living room and still leaves candles all over the place lighting overnight even in some instances.
She even admitted a candle nearly set the curtains on fire one of the days when she went out leaving it lighting and laughed about it, yet still leaves candles lighting that close to them.

I don't mind making the place look homely as it should, but whenever I put anything up or for example left a spice rack in the kitchen on a shelf she decided it "looked better in the press" and she put her ornaments up in their place. She does not understand the meaning of common areas.
I have tried to explain that we all pay the same rent and that we all need to have a say in how the common areas are furnished/decorated as for someone to just say "oh well I am going to have things this way and if anyone else changes it or adds their own things they will be either thrown in a press or put out into a spare room" is childish and inconsiderate.

I know I could have a lot worse issues and as for the cleaner thing I already proposed it but her response was "it's a waste of money" and what I do cleaning wise is the exact same things that she does, I feel they are done more than adequately yet in her mind she seems to need something to complain over.

I just don't understand why people can't act like adults in these situations I guess. In the last shared house I was in I never encountered any of these issues at all and there was 6 of us there.

georgina toadbum

I think you should move out if it bothers you that much.

To me I don't really see anything wrong with her putting up pictures etc. If she moves your spice rack just insist that you want it there.

#Smokey#

Yeah I might just up and leave when the rent renewal comes up.

I just don't understand why someone can't understand boundaries or be mindful and considerate of other people. She storms out of the house when we have tried discussing anything with her and the few times that she has stayed,well she just doesn't compromise or listen to reason and goes up to her room and sulks.

Shes 33 years of age now and has lived in many houseshares before so I expected more from her and its draining dealing with her remarks all the time.

Bambi985

I'd probably just start calling her on these things every time they happen.

"Why did you move my spice rack? I've put it back on the counter, would appreciate if you didn't move it again"

"Why do you have photos of yourself all over the living room? It's a common space so that's not your room to claim. Can you take them back into your room please"

Scented candles and lamps and whatever I'd be fine about, personalised photo frames and moving my stuff as if she's the landlord and has greater ownership of the place I would not be.

#Smokey#

Me and the other lad have said to her about moving stuff or putting our stuff at the back of presses slyly and she just ignores what we say or says fine and goes off sulking.

Scented candles I don't mind but having around 10 candles lighting all around the house is a bit much. We have managed to confine all the photos of her to a unit in the sitting room, one of those ikea units that belongs in a bedroom but she will never put it there, and i've given up trying to explain that yes she spends X amount to rent a room in the house and that she can do whatever she likes in that room apart from take the battery out of the smoke alarm again but that the rest of the rooms are shared between the 4 of us.

She is the head tenant on paper but all 4 of us are on the lease.

georgina toadbum

She spends X amount to rent a room and have use of the common areas.

In any houseshare I've been in there has been personal items in the common areas. Not pictures, though.

#Smokey#

georgina toadbum wrote: »

She spends X amount to rent a room and have use of the common areas.

In any houseshare I've been in there has been personal items in the common areas. Not pictures, though.

Have use of - Absolutely
Redecorate to her own personal style and remove anyone elses stuff without asking the person - No absolutely not

A few personal things is grand but I am talking about redecorating the place as if she owned it and we were merely guests

Bambi985

Make sure all your other housemates are onside and call a house meeting.

Explain that there will be no more tolerance of her moving anyone else's items in the house and that she's not to put personal objects in the living room unless she's got approval off everyone else. And that if it happens again, you'll be boxing it up and leaving it outside her bedroom.

Pohappiness

#Smokey# wrote: »

She tried putting photos of herself all over the living room and still leaves candles all over the place lighting overnight even in some instances.
She even admitted a candle nearly set the curtains on fire one of the days when she went out leaving it lighting and laughed about it, yet still leaves candles lighting that close to them.
I don't mind making the place look homely as it should, but whenever I put anything up or for example left a spice rack in the kitchen on a shelf she decided it "looked better in the press" and she put her ornaments up in their place. She does not understand the meaning of common areas.
I have tried to explain that we all pay the same rent and that we all need to have a say in how the common areas are furnished/decorated as for someone to just say "oh well I am going to have things this way and if anyone else changes it or adds their own things they will be either thrown in a press or put out into a spare room" is childish and inconsiderate.

I know I could have a lot worse issues and as for the cleaner thing I already proposed it but her response was "it's a waste of money" and what I do cleaning wise is the exact same things that she does, I feel they are done more than adequately yet in her mind she seems to need something to complain over.

I just don't understand why people can't act like adults in these situations I guess. In the last shared house I was in I never encountered any of these issues at all and there was 6 of us there.

Seems like issues are constantly finding themselves. If it where me I would be looking for something else. Go with flow but prepare your exit. I find once you start pointing out issues it becomes cat and mouse. Move on, move forward, this time next year you’ll be glad you did.


“Treat people like they’re gold”.. I never knew the real meaning behind that until it came to a point that all we need in life is peace.

#Smokey#

Bambi985 wrote: »

Make sure all your other housemates are onside and call a house meeting.

Explain that there will be no more tolerance of her moving anyone else's items in the house and that she's not to put personal objects in the living room unless she's got approval off everyone else. And that if it happens again, you'll be boxing it up and leaving it outside her bedroom.

Unfortunately the other girl always sides with her. Will give it another shot though and if its another stalemate just start boxing it up and leaving outside her bedroom but hopefully she will be diplomatic.

It's just head wrecking trying to be nice all the time while someone tries to walk all over you and doesn't understand compromise at all.

#Smokey#

Pohappiness wrote: »

Seems like issues are constantly finding themselves. If it where me I would be looking for something else. Go with flow but prepare your exit. I find once you start pointing out issues it becomes cat and mouse. Move on, move forward, this time next year you’ll be glad you did.


“Treat people like they’re gold”.. I never knew the real meaning behind that until it came to a point that all we need in life is peace.

The only issue is that she can't leave other people's stuff alone and to accept a few things in common areas is fine.

Tried treating people like they are gold before and ended up a doormat so no thanks ill be very considerate and understanding and always keep an open mind but don't act like your made of gold when your really brass

Pohappiness

#Smokey# wrote: »

The only issue is that she can't leave other people's stuff alone and to accept a few things in common areas is fine.

Tried treating people like they are gold before and ended up a doormat so no thanks ill be very considerate and understanding and always keep an open mind but don't act like your made of gold when your really brass

I meant and I have used the method.. I treated a house mate like gold!! She was bizarre would leave coffee all over the counter, wouldn’t flush a toilet. Pointed things out but she doubled up. So I continue being as pleasant as always monitoring my own behavior. All the while seeking new accommodation and I moved and now I couldn’t be happier. Sail the ship my friend. The method works. Don’t like the fact she does things you don’t like!!! Move.

mkov1

Once you tell her she needs approval to do something that she thinks she is entitled to do already, she will only try to get back at you .. I used to share once too and it can be difficult. We all fell out due to electricity bill, heating, noise ... move on somewhere where there is already someone else in charge, organizing the house .. because if it is you, you will most likely end up as a bad guy. Renting own house is difficult, but there are plenty of house shares available everywhere

#Smokey#

mkov1 wrote: »

Once you tell her she needs approval to do something that she thinks she is entitled to do already, she will only try to get back at you .. I used to share once too and it can be difficult. We all fell out due to electricity bill, heating, noise ... move on somewhere where there is already someone else in charge, organizing the house .. because if it is you, you will most likely end up as a bad guy. Renting own house is difficult, but there are plenty of house shares available everywhere

Yeah but that's childish of her and there should be nobody in charge really as we are all adults.It's 4 people renting 4 rooms to do whatever they want with and for common areas each person should be allowed a small bit of decoration but with the common sense to know that its a shared house and to ask first. We let her have the biggest bedroom thinking she would keep all her shít up there and not clutter the house with it.

Im looking at other house shares at the moment. I would love to be back in the old place but the landlord decided to sell it 6 of us and never any issues at all.

MoonshineMonty

Having pictures is OK, having candles is OK but having your things moved is not OK. Move her things and put your spice rack back. Put some pictures up of yourself beside hers in the living room. It won't be long until she moves yours because that's the type of person she is. If she thinks for one moment it's OK to move your pictures or take them away, pull her up on it and put her pictures outside her bedroom door. That's one thing I don't tolerate, hypocrisy.

Katgurl

I wouldn't call anymore house meetings or try to appeal to her better nature or understanding.

Accept she's different to you and set your own standards.

When she moves your stuff, move it back and tell her not to do it again. Remove candles from living room and tell her they are a fire hazard. Light the fire if you want, don't if you don't want to. If she's moaning on WhatsApp then mute her. When she sulks igbore her. Continue being pleasant besides all this. It sounds like the other pair are nice?

I don't see why you should move. If she has a meltdown suggest she might be happier somewhere else.

SuperS54

OP, the best thing you can do is move. I had a very similar situation many years ago where 3 of us shared an apartment. There was no whats ap at the time but the difficult one would email us from her room, I'd get the email the next day at work. We'd ignore her so she then started to leave notes on things that she seen as out of line.

We got a cleaner in to deal with the cleaning complaints so she then complained of the cost and the even split of as she had the smallest room (the cleaner only cleaned common areas). We got her a separate bin to deal with her complaints that we never put the kitchen bin out ~ she was the only one who actually cooked so 99.9% of the rubbish was hers, as she found out shortly after the change! There were a mass of other similar issues including her deciding bringing home a stray dog to live in the apartment was acceptable (medium size dog, 4th floor apartment with no green areas and she worked at least 9~5). Eventually she threatened to move out if we didn't shape up and was somewhat speechless when we readily agreed! We counted down the days of her 30 days notice and then on day 29 sends us an email saying she's reconsidered and won't be leaving after all. Within 10 mins of each other (we compared times later) the other room mate and I emailed the landlord with our 30 days notice.

TL;DR, OP move, you won't win this and will just end up with a load of stress and a horrible home life until you do.

Airyfairy12

Ive only once had a houseshare where we didnt decorate the common area and I hated living there, any other house share i've had we've always decorated the common areas with personal things, this wouldnt bother me at all. Her 'friend' sounds more like an enemy. Imagine you invited a friend to come and be a guest in your home and then they went behind your back and said horrible things about you to your housemates, the friend sounds like a nasty so and so whos word should be taken with a pinch of salt. If youre not happy there then move out, there are plenty of other rooms for rent in and around Dublin.

LynnGrace

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Ive only once had a houseshare where we didnt decorate the common area and I hated living there, any other house share i've had we've always decorated the common areas with personal things, this wouldnt bother me at all. Her 'friend' sounds more like an enemy. Imagine you invited a friend to come and be a guest in your home and then they went behind your back and said horrible things about you to your housemates, the friend sounds like a nasty so and so whos word should be taken with a pinch of salt. If youre not happy there then move out, there are plenty of other rooms for rent in and around Dublin.

That struck me also. The 'friend' didn't waste any time, by the sound of it, getting in to bad mouthing her, even though your housemate was doing her a favour...

That aside, I don't think this situation will ever be resolved. I would start searching for a new place, OP.

leggo

Being direct about stuff can remove any ambiguity which bad housemates can use against you. If you’ve got someone reasonable you want to keep as a long-term friend, having a quiet face to face chat is the way to go, but if not then get everything they say and agree to in writing (so via your WhatsApp group) so they don’t have a leg to stand on down the line. For example when it comes to her moving your stuff: text the Whatsapp group saying “Don’t move my spice rack, I want it there, it’s not causing any harm or risk or infringing upon anyone else’s space and it’s in a common area. Thanks.” Don’t ask or leave it open for discussion because it doesn’t need to be, but Irish people especially have a very softly softly way of going about things that leaves them wide open to be taken advantage of. There’s nothing she can do with that, even if the other girl takes her side. If she moves it again, do a quick Whatsapp search for ‘spice rack’, then you’ve got the blue ticks where she read and implicitly agreed not to move it (if she says nothing, obviously it wasn’t an issue).

Accountability is your friend here. Make people accountable for their actions, don’t leave any vagueness they can take advantage of, and a peaceful life will ensue. I can spot a bad housemate a mile off now because as soon as you bring up stuff like cleaning rotas and so on, they’ll find a BS reason to oppose it that they won’t be able to argue all the way. The ideal is that you live with people who have shame above laziness and care about the place, as well as caring about it being a happy home so not being dominant as this girl is, so it’s not an issue. But in cases where they don’t just think of fair ways in the middle to highlight this person’s difficultness. We’ve got a girl living here at the moment who never empties bins, for example, so my other housemate and I pushed through a new rule were, when it’s your cleaning week, it’s your responsibility to enter the bins all week. So if they’re ever overflowing, look at the rota on the fridge to find the date, that’s the culprit. Easy. If she says she did her back in and can’t lift the bins or any BS excuse, I’ll go to A&E with her as a ‘friend’ so a medical professional can tell her she’s waffling and we’ll make it official. Approach it with these small common sense ideas and you’ll be the one with the peaceful life while problem housemates will be the ones on Daft because they’re not getting things their own way.

Tenigate

Chip in for a cleaner.

Use a kitty to pay for firewood etc.

Leave the WhatsApp group. The 2 women are probably in the same room when they post messages to it.

Take turns building the fire, so that the first person home only has to light it.

And if she decorates with pink stuff, start decorating the place with marvel posters, cap america shield light, action figures etc.

Rubberchikken

At her age shes a bit long in the tooth to be behaving in such an insecure pathetic way. I can understand why others didnt want to rent with her.
It goes without saying that she should respect boundaries but even when having things pointed out to her doesn't improve matters then i think in the long term you might start considering moving.

#Smokey#

Tenigate wrote: »

Chip in for a cleaner.

Use a kitty to pay for firewood etc.

Leave the WhatsApp group. The 2 women are probably in the same room when they post messages to it.

Take turns building the fire, so that the first person home only has to light it.

And if she decorates with pink stuff, start decorating the place with marvel posters, cap america shield light, action figures etc.

The others wont chip in for a cleaner I asked them over the weekend so I just told them flat out there's no point doing the chore rota when people either clean it a day after the previous person has done it (i.e. person A cleans bathroom on the Sunday then person B cleans it on a Tuesday and marks it done for the week which is a cop out as it should only be cleaned on weekends) or people just don't do it and instead mark it as being done and give the excuse as they were going home to their parents house down the country etc.

Lease is up for renewal in April so might just find somewhere else with actual adults and not children

Sheog

She sounds like a nightmare to live with and the kind of person who should not be in a house share situation with other adults.
If it's not the cleaning rota, lighting the fire, moving your stuff around or dominating communal areas with her stuff then it will be something else.

However, you can't change other people you can only change yourself and how you choose to react or put up with this sort of thing.

Honestly, I think you should move out... life is far too short to be having that sort of aggro in a living situation!!