Insecure about dating after success

LegacyUser

Hello everyone, I am currently in my early forties and haven't dated in more then a decade, my last relationship in my early twenties broke down primarily due to financial strains and difficulties, I have since decided to solely focus on my career and the accumulation of wealth so money can never be a problem again; fast forward today I find myself with more money then I can spend, primarily because I am single with no children/dependent person, I established a very profitable business and can pretty much get my hands on anything I so desire, at this stage I find myself with a lot of free time and the desire of wanting to share this with someone, I get very lonely at times, and depressed whenever I think of death and realize that I have no one to move this wealth to, my parents have passed away, no brothers or sisters of my own and most of my friends are well off.

As a result I decided to get back on the dating scene in the hope of finding someone, I do wish to have children some day preferably sooner then later, I don't like the idea of being 70+ when my child is only 20, I tried Tinder but so far it has been a disappointment, the women I dated so far seem to have little interest beside my wealth, how I got it and what I do with it, and I developed insecurities and fears of falling for someone who is looking for nothing more then my wealth to later engineer a fallout and take a large settlement away, it doesn't help that I hear of these stories the whole time.

I don't consider myself boring and I hate talking about my career as I got plenty to say beside it, I have a wide array of hobbies, read widely, and keen on learning which has helped me get along with all sorts of people to the extreme left and right, as no matter who you are I will always be interested in what you do and what you have to say, as I believe each of us in unique with his own bits and piece to offer in life, and would like to meet a genuine normal individual for all she cares I could be a taxi man (it's a fine job, no disrespect intended) and it wouldn't change a thing.

So I don't know what to do, I thought about concealing my work and what I do, but I feel if I do find someone, they might later be offended when I tell them the truth, if they thought I could of had in mind that they were after my money, so I came here seeking some advice and any would be appreciated, much thanks in advance.

Tigger99

I see no harm in playing down how wealthy you are if it's becoming a distraction when dating. To be honest I'm not even sure why it should be a topic of conversation at all a few dates in? Do you choose expensive places for dates or how does it come up?

I can think of two guys I went on dates with that were very wealthy. The first boasted about all the property he owned. It made me very uncomfortable, as if that's how he judged other people, instead of their character, kindness to others etc. The second guy mentioned early on what he did and he was obviously wealthy but he didn't go on about it. If he hadn't mentioned it until later dates I wouldn't have batted an eyelash, it's nobodies business but his.

Anyways this post has rambled on enough Long story short I see no harm in not saying that you have money. The right woman will understand your reasons for doing so.

Rekop dog

If you're smart enough to build a successful business surely you're smart enough to suss this out, it's really not that difficult.

Just meet them in normal bars, coffee shops, walks ect, in early dates and don't overly boast about your success. Don't go splashing out on overly lavish restaurant that may give them an indication. It's not lieing to them. You're just not giving them the full truth. When you feel comfortable that they like you for you, you can then go into more depth.

panda100

OP, from reading your post it appears, well, that you maybe are a little bit obsessed with wealth.

I've been on lots of tinder dates and how much money I have, or lack of, has never come up in conversation. Could you be steering the conversation to talk about it as, from your post, it appears that you're thinking an awful lot about it? Indeed, you decided to avoid relationships to make money? It's obviously something that is important to you so perhaps that is coming across on your dates?

Big Bag of Chips

MiddleAgedRambling wrote: »

I tried Tinder ...... the women I dated so far seem to have little interest beside my wealth, how I got it and what I do with it

1 - how do they know anything about your wealth after a/a few dates?

2 - maybe they're not interested in taking it off you, but maybe the fact that it has come up makes them uncomfortable/fearful that they can't compete.

I'm not very wealthy (I have been mortgage free since before my 30th birthday, though through being smart), nor am I interested in what others have in their bank account. I have a friend who is married to a man who is money obsessed and it is tedious to be on a night out with him. Although after 20 years he seems to be mellowing a little and realising that we don't care! I would be uncomfortable with a man I've just met/started dating talking to me about his wealth. Because it really wouldn't be a factor for me - unless I felt I was being judged for not amassing the same wealth. As you say there are loads of other things you can talk about so steer the conversation in that direction. I think it is perfectly normal on a first date to ask the "What do you do?" question. You can have a general response that isn't a lie ready and then move on to "what sort of books/films/music/concerts do you enjoy?"

Not all women are gold diggers. But if you have put years of your life on hold to accumulate wealth then maybe you need to accept that money is a big deal to you, and that must come across to others. And even if you meet someone now, and get to know then enough to have a baby with them in the next couple of years, you are going to be a father of a 20 something year old in your 70s. But that's the choice you made at the time. We all make choices that are right for us at the particular time.

2006

Your income/wealth shouldnt come in to the conversation on the first few dates. It should be about getting to know one another, finding out each other's likes and dislikes and so on. Maybe don't focus so much on what you have and try to relax and enjoy life

Smythz

date me!!

silverharp

OP, I guess without thinking in a materialistic way yourself you at least need someone who is doing well themselves. By all accounts someone like yourself is like hens teeth these days so dont be ashamed to set high standards for yourself.

JeffKenna

It makes no sense that you would be talking about wealth in the first couple of dates. Judging by your post you seem very obsessed with money so I imagine you are the one bringing the topic up. Steer the conversation to whatever interests you have outside wealth accumulation.

Airyfairy12

If you have more money than you can spend why not give some to those who are less fortunate? Im sure the local homeless shelter, mens shed, women's refuge or special needs centre would greatly appreciate a handout from someone who obviously has so much, whats the point in hoarding money all for yourself?
I agree with others that youre obsessed with money, you even state that you want a child so you have someone to pass the wealth onto. I respect you have other sentimental reasons for wanting a family but those reasons wearnt mentioned in your post, your biggest concern when you die is what will happen to your beloved money that you cant even spend.

Ive been on dates with men and the minute they bring up how much money they have or the type of lifestyle they lead im ready to end the date there and then, I find it insulting that theyd think im in anyway interested in what they make. Id prefer someone who's kind and cleans the streets over someone whose money obsessed/workaholic or superficial anyday.

If youre attracting women who are only interested in money its because youre displaying your money as an asset. Genuine people dont care what kind of money you make.

Jenneke87

I would echo what other people said before: How come they know about your wealth so early. If you're as wealthy as you say you are she'll find out eventually so I'd not mention it at all. If you do, it also puts your date in an uncomfortable position as she may be seen as a gold digger if she responds too enthusiastically or as an ice queen if she pretends not to care. Enjoy your wealth and all the best finding someone.

dellas1979

A sense of humor and confidence (not an over inflated ego) and being interesting are paramount for me in meeting the (right) guy. Not money. Ive enough of that myself too. Money doesnt make a connection (one thing you cant buy eh).

Maybe you need to be a little more specific in what you are looking for/wanting to meet (not focusing on who you think they'd like to meet, if you know what I mean)?

Smythz

My advice would to be really cautious but that you are probably overthinking it to early on.

I married a man who brought nothing to the relationship and after a short marriage left with a city centre two bed apartment. In saying that I thought it was fair enough - we both had a property and a home to move on with.

Apartment was in my name and he proceeded to run up arrears on it and sold in negative equity leaving debt in my name. I have it all sorted now but you learn your lesson.

I think you may be better joining an introductory service if you have the cash to do it or at least only allow subscribing members only to contact you.

My experience with Tinder would be avoid it. I'm not being materialistic and I am by no means a gold digger but I would prefer to meet someone who is financially independent, does not live with his mother, has his own place, can drive and has a car.

These are things I've worked for and i would have no intention of supporting a grown man.

by8auj6csd3ioq

I'm not being materialistic and I am by no means a gold digger but I would prefer to meet someone who is financially independent, does not live with his mother, has his own place, can drive and has a car.

what about if the man had a medical condition and could not work and so did not have a car. Seems pretty materialist to me to rule him out vbecasue of those sissues.

OP i think fair play you saw how being poor messed up your relationship before and dedicated yourself to making money . Maybe you went too far by totally excluding dating. Just act as if you are just an average earner for the first few dates and if your work description infers wealth say you also have a lot of expenses/tax to pay and money isn't everything

Smythz

In your opinion.

Not materialistic - its my personal preferences that fit within my home life, work life and parenting life

by8auj6csd3ioq

and i am entitled to an opinion

---

financially independent,
does not live with his mother,
has his own place,
can drive
and has a car

not everyone meets all those criterion

Malayalam

MiddleAgedRambling wrote: »

Hello everyone, I am currently in my early forties and haven't dated in more then a decade, my last relationship in my early twenties broke down primarily due to financial strains and difficulties, I have since decided to solely focus on my career and the accumulation of wealth so money can never be a problem again; fast forward today I find myself with more money then I can spend, primarily because I am single with no children/dependent person, I established a very profitable business and can pretty much get my hands on anything I so desire, at this stage I find myself with a lot of free time and the desire of wanting to share this with someone, I get very lonely at times, and depressed whenever I think of death and realize that I have no one to move this wealth to, my parents have passed away, no brothers or sisters of my own and most of my friends are well off.

As a result I decided to get back on the dating scene in the hope of finding someone, I do wish to have children some day preferably sooner then later, I don't like the idea of being 70+ when my child is only 20, I tried Tinder but so far it has been a disappointment, the women I dated so far seem to have little interest beside my wealth, how I got it and what I do with it, and I developed insecurities and fears of falling for someone who is looking for nothing more then my wealth to later engineer a fallout and take a large settlement away, it doesn't help that I hear of these stories the whole time.

I don't consider myself boring and I hate talking about my career as I got plenty to say beside it, I have a wide array of hobbies, read widely, and keen on learning which has helped me get along with all sorts of people to the extreme left and right, as no matter who you are I will always be interested in what you do and what you have to say, as I believe each of us in unique with his own bits and piece to offer in life, and would like to meet a genuine normal individual for all she cares I could be a taxi man (it's a fine job, no disrespect intended) and it wouldn't change a thing.

So I don't know what to do, I thought about concealing my work and what I do, but I feel if I do find someone, they might later be offended when I tell them the truth, if they thought I could of had in mind that they were after my money, so I came here seeking some advice and any would be appreciated, much thanks in advance.

There's your issue, OP, in bold letters. You are the one with wealth literally on your mind all the time - it even drove you to eschew intimate relationships for a very long time in favour of gathering and storing up wealth. That took some dedication - to give up closeness and the warm love of another human for the cold comfort of material things. I'm not saying you are bad at all - it might be a hang up from your past, childhood, family, etc. - and we all have those kind of personality kinks - but it's there. Maybe rather than concerning yourself with finding a suitably unimpressed-by-wealth partner to bear an heir, perhaps you could become a philantropist. Perhaps you could discover some incredibly interesting way of spreading around your fortune in such a way that not only does it benefit others, but it gets you involved hands on in a project or projects in wonderful far flung places. You might even meet a lovely someone while doing something like that.
Good luck.

Bambi985

One of those cheesy Oprahisms seems fitting here. You have to be the person you're hoping to attract.

You're looking for a kind, warm lady to whom money is immaterial? Well is that who you are? Because you seem pretty impressed with your own wealth. I'm sure you have every reason to be, you've obviously worked hard, but it also sounds like your material success is the largest factor in how you value and validate yourself, it's also obviously how you sell yourself if these ladies are very quickly aware of your financial status. I would never have been able to guess the wealth of the men I dated after a few dates besides a broad "doing well for himself" versus "scraping by" and I'd have been massively put off if someone was trying to impress me that way - talk about crass. The women that will be impressed may well be the ones you're attracting because that's how you're selling yourself, whether it's conscious or not.

This negative, paranoid "they all want to steal my wealth!" attitude is doing you no favours either. Nor is this notion of wanting a partner as the next step in building your empire or something, having someone to "move this wealth to". Do you not see the irony in this? If the grand plan boils down to wealth and the protection of wealth, why in the hell would someone authentic and genuine and non-money minded want to look your way?

Why project that kind of negativity? Do you not trust your own judgement when it comes to people in general? These negative views of the opposite sex are major red flags in dating - I'd always steer clear of a man who said things like "all women are cheaters" or "my exes are all crazy" for example, because it gives insight into a certain unsavoury character. Someone who's bitter and has trust issues and is frankly a bit misogynistic. If you're meeting nothing but "gold-digging women" then frankly the common denominator is you because I've personally met about a handful of these types in my entire life.

HumbleBumble

I've just turned 38 and am a single mother of two children. My circumstances are a little different although I do find I'm a little better off than most. I have to say that in my experience of the entire online dating scene in Ireland, in general it is quite shallow.

I think you'll find that a lot of people are struggling with the same issue. It might sound pessimistic but perhaps when people reach our age and are still single it's because they've been waiting for the 'perfect' person who ticks all the boxes of wealth, social status, property owner etc etc before they'll settle. People who are willing to just fall in love seem to have done it already.

I think that there's no harm in downplaying your wealth. I wouldn't completely lie, but I'd say that you've got a business and it's hard to make it work and make ends meet for everyone and to keep people employed.

Perhaps suggest going on dates that are a little less extravagant. No 5* restaurants and the likes. Just do ordinary things and you'll meet ordinary people.

HumbleBumble

Also Tinder probably is my the best site. I'd say that and Elite Singles are on opposite ends of the spectrum but equally bad.

amdublin

Don't mention money or wealth on the initial (or any!!!) dates

Don't even mention it like "I concentrated on work instead of relationships"

Describe in another way why you're single "I just haven't met the right person yet"

Get to know the people you date without any distraction

amdublin

And try bumble instead of tinder

SimpleDimples

Unless you are displaying it unnecessarily or talking about it regularly, how do people know you are well off?

News flash....there are plenty of single, independent women doing quiet well for themselves. None of us need your money, we don't even want it. No amount of money trumps a good sense of humour and common decency.