Dumped for Valentines

LegacyUser

My boyfriend of 5 years sent me a text yesterday dumping me because I moan too much. I fully admit that I have been giving out a lot lately. I probably deserve it but how could anyone be so cold hearted? The reason I was unhappy was that when he was in the area I live in usually once a week, he would come over late. Stay over for sex and then be gone early the next morning for work. That was it, no dates, no quality time. Every time I asked if I could visit him, the answer was no.

He has a lot of issues & has been very depressed. He also spent 8 months in rehab last year for painkiller addiction. I supported him through it all and was always there for him. When he came out I caught him on dating sites. It was like I was suddenly not good enough any more. Just as I would start to get on with my life he would appear back again.

I have been dumped now because I wanted us to do something nice for Valentines. Nothing major as I am not very materialistic. Just an evening out and spend quality time together. His family have been fairly distant with me so god knows what he has been telling them. We used to be very close. He is middle aged.

I feel absolutely terrible today and I have to put on a brave face for the world. I am horrified that I have let him treat me so badly for so long & that he could do this to me. He is very angry right now with me and I don't even know why.

m-a-i-

AW OP my heart goes out to you I'm so sorry. Indeed Valentines is a terrible time to do something so cold but it looks like you dodged a bullet with him. He seems by what you've said to be a bit selfish and that's something you don't need in your life OP. Go out with some friends if you can tonight or even maybe go out and get your hair or nails done and just enjoy the space and allow yourself a treat. 
All the best OP x

punisher5112

Everything you write in your post op isn't a relationship at all.

You stayed with him for 5 years.
Never dated? Never went out?

Sounds very like a booty call as they say.

I think you need to go look at film bridesmaids.


You need to move on.


Move on and find a real man and this is coming from a guy.
I would recommend change your number and change all your security etc on social media so you are impossible to find.

Xterminator

Hi Op

the timing sucks. Sorry for you, because you were to be bombarded with ads and images of people in perfect relationships etc. Social media will be covered with declarations of love.

But lets get real. social media and advertisements are not real life. your life is real. you were in this long term relationship and it wasn't going well. Your other half has been in rehab, has been on dating sites (cheating), has not been treating you well & not giving you what you need from the relationship.

you are better off single than being taken advantage of. Now you have a chance of actually finding someone who does treat you well, who has time for you. Now you can get on with that part of your life that has been withering away.

He is a waster for stringing you along, and heartless for how he has dumped you. But you are better off in the long term. Good luck!

woodchuck

Used2018 wrote: »

I probably deserve it

No, you DON'T.

You won't realise it for a while, but this is actually a blessing in disguise. This is a guy who wouldn't let you visit him, would only visit you for sex and was using dating apps behind your back. You are well rid of him!!

Used2018 wrote: »

Just as I would start to get on with my life he would appear back again.

And you can bet that he is going to reappear again. So do yourself a favour and block him in every way possible (his phone number, email and on social media). If he manages to get in touch with you, ignore him. This is much easier said than done I know, but you need to completely remove this toxic individual from your life.

osarusan

Might be painful right now, but from what you have written, it wasn't much of a relationship anyway, so you should consider yourself better off in the long run.

I would take the opportunity to block all forms of communication with him, and resolve to tell him to get lost the next time he comes sniffing round.

If there is something you can do for yourself - buy yourself something you've wanted for a while, or treat yourself in some way, to 'mark' the beginning of a new part of your life, that might help you feel better too.

Neyite

Used2018 wrote: »

I have been dumped now because I wanted us to do something nice for Valentines.

Correction: You were dumped because you wanted to be treated with a bit more respect. He dumped you because you want more than the scraps he's prepared to offer. And you ARE worth more. Valentines doesn't need to be a big occasion, or even any kind of occasion. But when the person who's been sharing your bed for 5 years won't even share a pub table and have a drink with you, it's not

wrote:

I feel absolutely terrible today and I have to put on a brave face for the world. I am horrified that I have let him treat me so badly for so long & that he could do this to me. He is very angry right now with me and I don't even know why.

He's angry because you aren't content to let him call all the shots anymore in this non-relationship you had. Let him off, no loss.

He'll be back once he realises there's nobody falling over themselves to be a booty-call for an emotionally distant, moody, middle-aged ex addict. Just make sure that when he does come back, you've strengthened your resolve to not go back with him. Remember the way he's just treated you. Remember that when he comes back with empty promises. Remember the actions of the man. When someone shows you who they are, listen to them.

Meanwhile, block him on all communication, and do something nice for you this week. You'll be feeling a bit fragile for a while so be kind to yourself.

eviltwin

He did you a favour. I know you don't see it like that now but you will. Just make sure you don't go back to him if he calls you again.

Ghekko

While you may feel completely miserable today, you will soon realise that you have well and truly dodged a bullet. He sounds like a complete waster. Why you'd want to stay with someone who is clearly out seeing other women is beyond me. Why else would he be on dating sites and keeping you at arms length? Absolutely block his number, delete him from social media, change locks if he has a key to your house, pack up any belongings you may have of his and send them to him asap - no note required. Show him you are not taking any more crap from him. You are worth more than that! Today is just another day. If you have any other single friends invite them over this evening if you need the distraction.

punisher5112

I would also hazard a guess he is married with a family.

Has the right warning of it.

Ideal situation for him has a bit on the side whenever suits and goes back to normal live....

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. He is definitely not married etc. I was very close to his family but now they are distant so god knows what he is telling them.

It was not always like this. We did spend plenty of time together, dates etc. This has been happening since last year.

I feel awful today being bombarded with happy couples everywhere. He won't tell any new ladies about his past. He will also no doubt treat them a lot better then he treated me. I don't know what I have done to deserve this

Ursus Horribilis

OP, I think the kindest Valentine's Day gift you can get yourself is a session with a counsellor. You clearly have a very low value on yourself if you were willing to waste 5 years of your life on this man.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

Honestly, from the way you describe it this sounds like the best Valentines gift he could have given you.

A relationship, like a good relationship - means both people have their needs met.

And yea, sometimes you'll meet people who are awesome but they just cannot do the things you need or make you feel how you should feel, or deserve to feel.

Don't waste 5 years on these people because there's plenty of guys around who will be able to give you want you need and vice versa.

X

Airyfairy12

Reading through your post I initially thought you were both in your early to mid twenties, I was pretty shocked to see you say this man is middle aged. I assume youre of similar age yourself? This man has shown you time and time again that he isn't interested in a real relationship with you yet youve chased him like a puppy dog for 5 years.
You sound like you have incredibly low self esteem as you allowed him to treat you with such little respect, use you as f/buddy and then you blamed yourself for his behaviour. You do have some part to play in this, you allowed yourself to be walked on and maybe some counselling or psychotherapy would be a good idea for you to work through your self esteem issues but youre in no way responsible for the actions or behaviour of someone else, you didn't 'deserve' any of his bad treatment.

If you have any sense you'll delete and block his number/facebook and any other way he could potentially contact you and you'll stay away from him entirely. I really think that speaking to a professional would be great for you and would help you to move forward with your life.

harry Bailey esq

osarusan wrote: »

Might be painful right now, but from what you have written, it wasn't much of a relationship anyway, so you should consider yourself better off in the long run.
.

This. x 1000

power pants

Quite common for junkies to leave their partners once clean within a year.

Well rid tbh

Debtocracy

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

OP, I think the kindest Valentine's Day gift you can get yourself is a session with a counsellor. You clearly have a very low value on yourself if you were willing to waste 5 years of your life on this man.

Is settling for someone now a diagnosed mental health disorder? The OP will likely experience a loss/grief from this relationship but it should pass fairly quickly given that not much was lost in the first place.

Ursus Horribilis

Where did I say that it was a diagnosed mental health disorder?

ShaShaBear

Debtocracy wrote: »

Is settling for someone now a diagnosed mental health disorder? The OP will likely experience a loss/grief from this relationship but it should pass fairly quickly given that not much was lost in the first place.

The OP could benefit from counselling for her astoundingly low self esteem, because for the past year, her boyfriend has been calling over once a week late at night, shagging her, and then heading off to work the next morning. When she requested more intimate time as a couple on the one day of the year its expected, he dumped her and she thinks it's her fault. THAT'S what the counselling is for. Not settling

Used2018

Used2018 wrote: »

My boyfriend of 5 years sent me a text yesterday dumping me because I moan too much. I fully admit that I have been giving out a lot lately. I probably deserve it but how could anyone be so cold hearted? The reason I was unhappy was that when he was in the area I live in usually once a week, he would come over late. Stay over for sex and then be gone early the next morning for work. That was it, no dates, no quality time. Every time I asked if I could visit him, the answer was no.

He has a lot of issues & has been very depressed. He also spent 8 months in rehab last year for painkiller addiction. I supported him through it all and was always there for him. When he came out I caught him on dating sites. It was like I was suddenly not good enough any more. Just as I would start to get on with my life he would appear back again.

I have been dumped now because I wanted us to do something nice for Valentines. Nothing major as I am not very materialistic. Just an evening out and spend quality time together. His family have been fairly distant with me so god knows what he has been telling them. We used to be very close. He is middle aged.

I feel absolutely terrible today and I have to put on a brave face for the world. I am horrified that I have let him treat me so badly for so long & that he could do this to me. He is very angry right now with me and I don't even know why.

By the sounds of it you received a beautiful gift. Your now free to date someone more worthy of you rather than this cowardly drain of your time and energy. And there is plenty of men all over the world that will treat you better then this clown.

5 years and he sent you a text????? :eek: Your well shot love. Take your time to heal, and put yourself back out there as soon as you can.

Debtocracy

Debtocracy wrote: »

Is settling for someone now a diagnosed mental health disorder? The OP will likely experience a loss/grief from this relationship but it should pass fairly quickly given that not much was lost in the first place.

There is no mental disorder but there could be huge self esteem issues which sometimes we all need a professional perspective to clarify things for us. Nothing wrong with that.

I see loads of brilliant talented women clinging on to losers like this fella. Kind of reminds me of that comedy the Office and the idiot Lee that Dawn was with, when the penny finally dropped for her that she was wasting her time after years of going out with him.

My advice to OP is to leave this clown behind her and even if he does come crawling back, dont reward mediocrity. Be kind to yourself and see the world as a place overflowing with opportunity to be explored. I dont wish to simplify things but life is too short to be wasted on the likes of this lad.

I wish you well OP

Ursus Horribilis

ShaShaBear wrote: »

The OP could benefit from counselling for her astoundingly low self esteem, because for the past year, her boyfriend has been calling over once a week late at night, shagging her, and then heading off to work the next morning. When she requested more intimate time as a couple on the one day of the year its expected, he dumped her and she thinks it's her fault. THAT'S what the counselling is for. Not settling

And also, he has been on dating sites (red flag!) and seemingly has lots of issues. Some catch he is.. Going by her update, it would appear that this relationship has been properly over for a year anyway. But instead of breaking it off like any decent man would, he used her for sex.

I suggested counselling because I sense our OP has self esteem issues. It also doesn't hurt to talk to someone who doesn't know you and who can help you work on your self esteem. The OP sounds lovely and way too good for this guy. For all we know, there were warning signs in this relationship from early on but she didn't heed them. If nothing else, it'd do her good to learn how not to get sucked in by someone like this again.