At wits end

LegacyUser

Please can someone offer advice. I have a family with three children. One of my children has special needs (severe autism) and the eldest absolutely hates him. It is non stop, I have to keep them both apart. It is so bad that the eldest goes to boarding school so that we can all get by. Now we have midterm and the aggro is just unbearable with the eldest roaring at his brother to shut up- while he is so upset / crying etc because he is afraid of his brother. I have a full week of this now this week, and it's killing me to see them like this, killing me that the eldest can't have any compassion for his brother. During the summer at least the eldest is outside mostly, but in this weather we are all inside. I understand how difficult it is for the eldest, he has missed out on loads over the years because I couldn't bring the other boy to sit on a sideline etc. And that's partly the reason he goes to boarding school, to give him every opportunity to play sport and study in a quiet environment. I am a single parent, as their dad left us years ago, because he couldn't handle having a special needs child. He doesn't contact and hasn't seen them in years(his choice).
I know teenagers say and do things they may look back on and regret, but I thought that at this stage he would at least have developed some empathy, if not for his brother, then at least for me, seeing the situation is difficult.
Has anyone any advice ?
Thanks

Airyfairy12

He sounds incredibly angry and like he's blaming his autistic brother for everything thats gone wrong. His dad left and he grew up always coming second place to his sibling. How was life for him before his autistic brother came along? It was probably much more content. To rub salt into the wound he was pushed out of the house completely and sent to boarding school. I understand he should have consideration and empathy for his brothers situation but where's his sympathy? his whole life was turned upside down through no fault of his own.
That said its no excuse for his behaviour and no one should have to feel frightened of another person. Maybe learning some emotional intelligence skills would be good for him, could you get him some proper counselling? He might benefit from CBT to help him deal with his emotions.
Another suggestion, ive a close relative who sounds very much like your son although take into consideration that my relative hadnt dealt with circumstances like your son. Growing up I was terrified of this relative, he was angry, violent, aggressive, a complete an utter bully and a nightmare to be anywhere near, he had very little empathy and couldnt see anything from another persons point of view. As an adult he was diagnosed with Aspergers. Im not suggesting your eldest has this and I wouldnt suggest labelling him with anything, also take into account how the overall situation has affected his life but if all else fails and talking to him, counselling ect doesnt make any difference it may be something else to look into.

Ghekko

I'd agree that your eldest needs counselling. He's been through a lot. Was he in favour of going to boarding school? Could he be unhappy there and resentful that he was sent in order to get away from his brother? What age is the 3rd child? Does that child get on with the eldest? Will you also send the 3rd child to boarding school? If not, could it be seen as a punishment for the eldest to have to go? Have you any family support - someone your eldest could talk to, or someone who could look after your child with sn so that you get to spend time with the other two?

woodchuck

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this OP, it must be very difficult to deal with.

I agree with the suggestions that your son might benefit from counselling. He has been through an awful lot for such a young age. His father leaving him and being sent off to boarding school. I'm not blaming you for sending him there by the way. I have no doubt you have everyones best interests at heart.

I can see how he might blame his younger sibling for everything that has happened to him and therefore directing his anger at him. Counselling might help him get to the real cause of his anger and work through his emotions.

jon1981

I agree with most comments here. Compassion is a two way street and while you feel the boarding school might be providing him the physical things he needs I guess he still feels aggrieved and probably rightly, that he is being sent away.

It may seem to him that he is being shoved away so that you can focus on the other son. He might be a teen but he is still a child at the end of the day so don't expect him to see things as rationally as you, an adult, who has many more years of life experience than he does.

I can never imagine how incredibly hard this is on you but I suggest counselling too and do it now before this becomes deeply rooted and affects your relationship with him in later life.

qwerty13

Can’t you see it from your eldest son’s POV? He’s lost out on:
- his Dad
- having you be there for him more time-wise
- his home and friends
- feeling that he is important to you (sent away to boarding school)

It’s no wonder he is incredibly frustrated. Plus he’s still a child, and is not going to look at things in a grown-up way. You’re an adult and you’re looking things in an adult way, and because you love all of your children. I’d imagine your eldest can only see what your SN child ‘took’ from him. I’d guess that he is feeling very hurt and upset, and is directing his anger at the person whose fault he sees it as (not saying I agree with that).

On a practical level, do you get any respite care, or support? Can you spend some time alone outside the house with your eldest? And what about the 3rd child? I think counselling sounds urgently needed, before your eldest turns into a very angry young man.

Bambi985

Honestly I read your post and just wanted to weep for the poor fella. He's obviously hurting a lot. It's incredibly difficult being the sibling of a special needs/unwell child, you grow up being overlooked and your needs not being met and being made to feel like you have no right or room to express your pain and frustration. Those feelings can really stay with you for life too. Your son needs counselling as a matter of priority and he needs to feel safe and loved in his own home, regardless of these issues with his brother.

I feel for you as you're obviously struggling with a lot and the tendency as a parent is of course to prioritise the needs of the child that needs it most. What kind of support are you getting from the health service and from your family and friends?

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies.
He loves boarding school, because it gives him the opportunity to do sports and activities he couldn't do at home,go on trips etc and he has friends his own age there, boys and girls. It's not a case of being pushed out of home, his brother will join him there later and plus there are other kids there who have somewhat similar home circumstances.
He has attended counselling.
I suffer greatly from mammy guilt... Someone always loses out on something, but as I see it, I am doing everything to help them all reach their own potentials, and work incredibly hard to provide that.
Anyway, thanks again, and I would now ask the moderator to close the thread.

SimpleDimples

I can't offer any help but just want to say that it sounds like you are a great mother who clearly wants the best for all of your children without much help from their father.

I suspect that the above posts must be very difficult to read but unfortunately I think some of them do probably reflect the truth.

Your son has been through a lot more than most kids his age and that will lead to resentment and anger. I wonder would it be worth reaching out to other families who are in a similiar situations where they also have a child with severe autism. I doubt your son's reaction is unique. There's a forum on here which deals specifically with autism which may provide more support and understanding. Do you get an respite where you get a chance to spend one on one time with your other son - perhaps its worth exploring?

You are in a very difficult situation and my heart goes out to you and your family. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Ps - I just googled this and it appears to be very common where one child resents the other who requires extra support, unfortunately there appears to be little proposed solutions, but it may help ease the mummy guilt knowing it's a common issue under the circumstances.

qwerty13

paganini2018 wrote: »

He loves boarding school, because it gives him the opportunity to do sports and activities he couldn't do at home,go on trips etc and he has friends his own age there, boys and girls. It's not a case of being pushed out of home, his brother will join him there later and plus there are other kids there who have somewhat similar home circumstances.
He has attended counselling.

Ok, that’s all a good start. But something - a lot of things - clearly are not working for him, as he’s very obviously still so hurt and frustrated and lashing out. I’d wager that he does still feel abandoned and annoyed that his SN sibling has ‘taken’ so much from him.

MartyMcFly84

Could it be possible your older child is on the spectrum also? My brother has Aspergers and one of the ways it can obviously manifest is a lack of empathy, he has been incredibly hurtful family over the years.

For a while I hated him for until he was diagnosed which was relatively late after very difficult teens and early 20s.

Does he have any issues showing empathy to yourself or others away from his brother?

nikkibikki

Would it be possible to get some respite from HSE for your SN child so you can spend some time with the other 2 alone? It won't be easy handing the child over to someone bit they will get used to it and it'll get easier. Get in touch with your PHN or social worker.

Sounds like you are a great mother. None of us do everything perfect. A bad mother wouldn't care and it's clear that you do.

Tokyo

Thread closed at OP's request.