Starting to panic about being single

emilymemily

Ive been single for 4 years, ill be 30 this year. Ive always gotten allot of male attention but never met a guy who I really liked or a guy who equally liked me back. I dated a few men who I thought could potentially be boyfriend material but the more I got to know them the more I learned that we wearnt compatible, I began to see some red flags and indications of controlling behaviour so I stopped seeing them.
Ive had 2 long term relationships and both were abusive physically and emotionally. I was also cheated on more times than I can remember and this has completely broken my trust in men.
I decided to stay single and completely stop dating about 2 years ago. Ive always had the mindset that I dont want to be in a relationship and im happier single, which is true.. I dont seek relationships or sex with men, im happy by myself but every so often I feel that maybe I would like to be with someone, I also feel like im not getting any younger and maybe in 5 or 10 years ill regret not settling down when I had the chance so I put myself back out there, date a few men but ultimately I end up back at square one, the men arent compatible with me at all and I decide to quit dating because I dont find the dating experience enjoyable. - I dont like fickle relationships, they dont satisfy me at all.
Now im 30, im finding new lines on my face everyday, I dont feel I get the same attention from men that I did even 2 years ago, all my friends are settling down. People are questioning me about why im still single like theyre feeling sorry for me. Friends will say things like 'oh we have to find you a man' and 'are you not lonely' .. an old acquaintance approached me on a night out and told me how he feels so sorry for me that I never found anyone and he'd love to see me happy'.
Im introverted and have a small number of friends, im happy with this, im not someone who connects with every person I meet and im selective about who I give my time to, im close to my family and I have a job I love, im well educated and have plans for my future which include furthering my education and travelling. I also dont like who I am in relationships, I become dependant, insecure and too attached, I completely lose myself and find breakups send me into deep depression and take me years to overcome. When I was younger I atleast had my looks and could imagine myself finding someone new in the future to get me through a breakup but now im older what hope do I have? I dont think I could bare another end of a relationship. I hate losing people I care about.
Can anyone relate? Is it normal to have this approach to relationships or am I over thinking it? Should I just settle for someone even if I dont feel any chemistry?

Jenneke87

Hey there,
Even though I have little advise to offer other than 'don't settle' as it's not fair on either of you I understand how you feel. I'm 30 as well as have been single for quite.a while. Just like you, I liked them but not vice versa or they like me but I felt no connection with them. Luckily I've never been cheated on but had problems setting boundaries in relations so I spent my twenties in relationships with men that were having a lot of issues; depression, suicidal, deeply introverted, etc. Now that I'm 30 it feels like trying to find a good man is as easy as finding a needle in a haystack and I recognize the despair that creeps upon you: should I keep looking, settle, or just give up? I've never gotten a lot of male attention as I have a bit of a funny walk due to an accident that I had, scars and small breasts so in that regard not a lot will change for me. As much as I hate it, it's a small consolation but when you're used to having that attention but must be even harder..
A lof of people will say: you're only 30 you're still young, yet you always have at nagging feeling that things should have fallen into place somehow, as it does for everybody else and we all know that finding someone only gets more difficult with passing age. You feel as though the well is drying up and you've missed your chance. Unlikely, I know, but heart and mind do not always agree on those matters. 
I can't give you more advise I'm afraid but I feel your pain and your certainly not alone! I wish you all the best.

Rubberchikken

Tbh its better to be single than be in an abusive relationship.
But as you'd like to meet someone and someone kind and good then you'll have to actively do that.
Could your friends introduce you to others they may know through work etc?

emilymemily

Thanks Jenneke87 youve described my feelings very well, yes it is harder but then I realise most of those men were only interested because they were sexually attracted and there was nothing more to it so although it is harder not receiving the same male attention as I did when I was younger im hoping that men interested in me now or the future will be interested in me as a person and not because theyre just looking for one thing. Ive had situations were I wasnt looking my best - lack of sleep, stress, illness ect - these men had no problem telling me I wasnt looking to great - clearly they didnt care about me and were only interested in me for my appearance. Not to mention the catcalling, facebook messages asking for naked pics, men becoming annoyed and spiteful when I didnt give them sex or relationships and uncomfortable/sometimes dangerous situations ive found myself in with men - there are some aspects to being young and attractive that I dont miss.

@Rubberchikken - Id love to meet someone kind, intelligent, good natured and grounded but I dont think it exists. Friends have set me up with people they know but I never felt a connection to any of them.

snotboogie

emilymemily wrote: »

@Rubberchikken - Id love to meet someone kind, intelligent, good natured and grounded but I dont think it exists. Friends have set me up with people they know but I never felt a connection to any of them.

Those are not exactly rare qualities, in fact they are extremely common. The reality is that you are probably looking for a lot more than that, you don't have to tell us but at least be honest with yourself, it will save you a lot of time.

Bambi985

I dunno OP, all this talk about losing your looks seems a bit over the top at 30 tbh! If you’re someone who takes care of your health and appearance and hasn’t had any terrible habits like smoking or heavy drinking or an awful diet then you will still be attractive and good looking at 30 regardless of any fine lines that seem to be upsetting you. I don’t get any less interest from men at 32 than I did at 25, maybe even more as I’m fitter and better groomed now.

I think your perception of yourself plays hugely into these things and believing that you’re old and passed it and have missed your chance at 30 is just creating another barrier towards meeting someone. You have to be careful about setting a self-fulfilling prophecy for yourself. I know it’s hard to be surrounded by engagements and weddings and babies at this age but there’s also plenty of people in the same position as you, not to mention the people just out of long-term relationships - lots of people break up and have to start again at this age too.

I know it’s hard but the greatest truth I’ve heard is that you really have to BE the person you want to attract in order to give yourself the best chance at meeting the right person. It sounds like you’ve had some very damaging relationships and it’s worth working through the issues that they have left you with to avoid 1.repeating the cycle with new men and 2. Having this negative view of relationships and of yourself.

dd972

You're female OP, you can choose if or when you have sex or relationships so that alone gives you a massive advantage.

DoozerT6

dd972 wrote: »

You're female OP, you can choose if or when you have sex or relationships so that alone gives you a massive advantage.

This is NOT TRUE and it really ****ing bugs me when people trot that tired old phrase out. Does it not stand to reason that if if there are guys that have very little luck in meeting someone to be in a relationship with, that the same might be true for women? Note that I said RELATIONSHIP, not sex.

Why does the fact that we have a vagina give us some sort of mystical advantage? Guys have as much choice in a partner as women, why would they 'settle' for someone just because they happen to have female genitalia?

What that phrase really means is that 'men will sleep with anything with a vagina'. Not very complimentary to either sex.

Gah!!

Sorry no advice for the OP, I just hate that phrase!!

jimbobalob309

snotboogie wrote: »

Those are not exactly rare qualities, in fact they are extremely common. The reality is that you are probably looking for a lot more than that, you don't have to tell us but at least be honest with yourself, it will save you a lot of time.

well yeah she's probably loooking for someone she fancies too, nothing wrong with that, arent we all really

suicide_circus

The notion comes from a time when men had to do all the pursuing and the ladies were expected to await the attentions of a suitable admirer. That's all gone now (allegedly) so we're all equally responsible for going out and snaring a mate.

backspin.

What are you looking for in a relationship. You say you are well educated and in a good job. Are you narrowing your search to men of equal or higher income/education. In general that is important to women. Not so much to men. So there will be more options for educated well paid men who are also socially competent. There will be more competition among women for those guys. It's also important to note men aren't all desperate to be married or in relationships. I know quite a few single guys who seem happy enough.

Though if as you say you have often been approached by men then you are obviously good-looking. Nothing much can be done about lack of connection. Perhaps too narrow a criteria may be an issue. You may well have a great relationship with someone who earns a little less than you or that isn't as educated.

Also, why don't you do some approaching.

backspin.

Something else that doesn't get mentioned often enough is there is a lot of luck involved in meeting the right person. For some perfectly decent people it just doesn't happen.

Mongfinder General

I find the op's predicament to be common with women on the wrong side of 30. Friends start settling down, weddings, baby showers, christenings replace nights out and weekends away. One by one the circle of friends formed in their teens and twenties diminishes as time becomes devoted to family and home life.
My advice is this. Do not marry some arsehole just because you feel the need to fit in or not feel lonely. It will be worse being stuck with a couple of kids in an unhappy marriage.

suicide_circus

backspin. wrote: »

Something else that doesn't get mentioned often enough is there is a lot of luck involved in meeting the right person. For some perfectly decent people it just doesn't happen.

This is a huge factor it has to be said. You make your own luck in so far as you increase you chances by putting yourself out these and not allowing failure or rejection to get you down.

milli milli

suicide_circus wrote: »

you increase you chances by putting yourself out these and not allowing failure or rejection to get you down.

This advice is always given and while I don’t disagree with it, not all of us are extroverts or have skin made of steel.

And I’m not using that as an excuse - as someone who is probably in the middle of the introvert-extrovert scale (but would identify more as an introvert), I have put myself out there so many times and have done really extroverted stuff.

And it’s really hard to not let failure get to you if you have a sensitive nature.

OP I’m not sure what advice I have to offer you as I’m also single. But someone mentioned to BE the person you want to attract and I’d agree with this.
At least you’re giving yourself a proper chance.
One thing I’d say is are you ‘open’ to a relationship or ‘open’ to interactions when you’re out and about?
I know one of the reasons I’m single is I unconsciously close myself off from potential men - (Im working on this! )

girlwithq

put effort meeting someone because if you never meet someone and you like you own company well then it wont matter if you end up alone because you made the effort

But
if you dont try and end up alone you will regret it, you will always wonder if you made the effort

Made effort, dont meet someone, nothing to regret happy on own(you tired)
no effort, end up alone. Wondering what if and Wont be able to enjoy own company

metaoblivia

OP, I've gone through very long stretches of singlehood, and the times when I was seeing someone, it didn't seem to last very long. It was several parts me being very comfortable doing things on my own and not needing a partner (therefore not really looking for a number of years), and also just poor luck and bad timing.

I'm 36 now and have been seeing someone for a few months. It's still new, but it's the most intimate connection I've had with someone in a very long time. But it took several years of many first and a few second dates to get to this point. So here's my advice:

1. Start going on dates. Accept that you will have bad ones. Accept that it will be frustrating and draining at times, especially when you meet someone who's perfectly nice, but the chemistry simply isn't there. And taking a break from dating is always okay.

2. Don't worry about your age. There seems to be no shortage of people out there who will talk about a woman's "value" going down after 30. Ignore these people. If anything, revel in the fact that they'll be focusing their attention elsewhere. Sometimes a smaller pool of suitors can be a good thing. By all standards, 30 is still quite young and frankly, you've only run out of time once you're dead. If you get it in your head that your time is running out or that you're too old, you'll only put more pressure on yourself and make it harder to find someone who's really right for you.

3. Engage in self-reflection. This can be hard because it's tricky to master the balance of reflecting and overthinking. Like anything else, it takes practice. We're all pretty good at stating what we want, or what we think we want. But do those wants align with our actual actions and behaviors? I've found a simple way to start is, after a date, ask yourself if you'd like to see the person again, and no matter if the answer is yes or no, ask yourself why.

4. Prepare for rejection. Sometimes we're the person who doesn't feel the chemistry, sometimes it's the other person, and sometimes it's mutual. Rejection is okay. It doesn't reflect poorly on you as a person, even if you experience a few times in a row. You always hear about horrible dates, but I've honestly not had too many of those. What I've had are a lot of first dates that were perfectly fine but the chemistry just wasn't there. That's not anyone's fault, it's just the reality of dating.

5. Cultivate a hobby or passion. Not only can it open doors to meeting new people, it makes you a more interesting person. I love gymnastics and sing classical music. Both of those are a bit unusual, and the guy I'm with doesn't have a background in either. But he really appreciates my passion for both of those things and asks to attend meets and performances with me. And he's a mountain climber, which I don't do, but I encourage him in his trainings and in meeting people he can go climb with.

girlwithq

Looks fade

I have never had a boyfriend but been strung along by one guy and a few guys have rejected me. I spend a decade trying to getting over them all.

head up keep looking

Koala Sunshine

DoozerT6 wrote: »

This is NOT TRUE and it really ****ing bugs me when people trot that tired old phrase out. Does it not stand to reason that if if there are guys that have very little luck in meeting someone to be in a relationship with, that the same might be true for women? Note that I said RELATIONSHIP, not sex.

Why does the fact that we have a vagina give us some sort of mystical advantage? Guys have as much choice in a partner as women, why would they 'settle' for someone just because they happen to have female genitalia?

What that phrase really means is that 'men will sleep with anything with a vagina'. Not very complimentary to either sex.

Gah!!

Sorry no advice for the OP, I just hate that phrase!!

How many men do you approach to flirt eith or ask out? And how many of those men reject you or ignore you on the approach?