Tattoo trauma in thirties

LegacyUser

Completely ridiculous I know.....

Im in my mid 30s and living at home temporarily(2-3 months)

A few years ago I got a medium to large tattoo in a not so visible place. I told my mother afterwards- she freaked to say the least. Tears(from her), no talking to her about it and we really haven't spoken about it since. My sisters have told me she mentions it to them every once in awhile in a 'why did she ruin her life kind of way'. She has very strong opinions about tattoos. My sisters don't challenge her opinion but just smile and nod til she shuts up.

Anyhow as you may have guessed I have since added to my collection, a few more pieces all large enough but all not visible on a day to day. My sisters know about these and feel implicit in the lie.

The idea of telling her comes to mind every so often and when get one but I don't want to hurt her, I know how she feels and I don't see that telling her will bring resolution.

Being at home and having to watch what I wear more etc.now its on my mind to try rectify this. Happy to keep them covered when in her company and her house of course.

Does anyone have any advice on if and how this should be broached?
Do I now continue as I have done the last few years? Maybe I should have handled this better in the first place but honestly I dont see how that could have happened- shes just too used to us pleasing her all the time.

Thanks for advice

Tenigate

What is your reason for getting the tattoos?

While you're living there, just cover up. Stop getting tattoos. Stop involving your sisters in your drama. And stop upsetting your mother.

Instead of spending your cash on tattoos, either spend it on rent, or spend it on counselling to figure out why you are acting like a rebellious teenager.

splinter65

It shouldn’t be too difficult in this weather to cover up the tattoos.
I’m a mother too and I too have strong feelings about tattoos.
If she has kindly invited you to stay in her home for a few months then why would you rub her nose in it ?
She’s entitled to her opinion in the same way you are entitled to express yourself with your body art.
She doesn’t have to accept your tattoos or get over it or anything else.
She’s not going to “come round” or suddenly change her mind or any of those things either.
She’s not being homophobic racist sexist or any other ism.
It’s your mother. Be kind. It’s not worth having a big drama about.

eviltwin

Sure you can cover them up and hide them but why would you and anyway what if she accidentally sees you without the long sleeves? I'd be the opposite, I'd tell her. Just state the facts, don't look for approval. You are a grown adult for goodness sake not a 15 year old and they are there now, what exactly can you do about them? Is this going to be a deal breaker regards you staying with her?

meeeeh

Tenigate wrote: »

What is your reason for getting the tattoos?

While you're living there, just cover up. Stop getting tattoos. Stop involving your sisters in your drama. And stop upsetting your mother.

Instead of spending your cash on tattoos, either spend it on rent, or spend it on counselling to figure out why you are acting like a rebellious teenager.

That is a bit judgemental. You have no idea why op has to live with her mother for a few months and she could he well able to afford rent. And people don't just get tattoos because they are acting like rebellious teenagers.

Op I would cover the tattoos and keep it quiet. You could tell your mother but if it goes wrong living with your mother could be a bit of a nightmare. That kind of stuff is a lot easier to discuss if you can avoid the person who is annoyed with you for a few days/weeks till they calm down.

strandroad

What would be the point of telling her about the new ones exactly? It just feels like stoking conflict for no benefit at all?

I would keep covering them up as a courtesy, but if she sees something by accident it's not the end of the world either. You're staying with her which is to be appreciated, but it's not like she owns you and tattoos are not illegal or immoral even if not to everyone's taste.

khaldrogo

Tenigate wrote:

Instead of spending your cash on tattoos, either spend it on rent, or spend it on counselling to figure out why you are acting like a rebellious teenager.

Condescending much?

So only rebellious teens get tattoos now is it?

khaldrogo

30 something adult and afraid of telling mammy about a tattoo!!!!!

She doesn't like them? Well tell her not to get one then.....if you are happy keep on getting them......simple.

Loveinapril

Taildragger Pilot wrote: »

I don't understand, if you knew tattoos upset your mother then why did you get more?

Because she is a grown woman and can do what she likes with her own body!

OP, don't tell her about the new tattoos but if she notices them then so be it. It reads like you are feeding into the drama of it all. If she tried to start drama about them (seriously, tears?!) you need to just be politely matter of fact by saying you got them on your body and they do not impact anyone else then move on. Don't allow it to turn into something bigger.

splinter65

khaldrogo wrote: »

30 something adult and afraid of telling mammy about a tattoo!!!!!

She doesn't like them? Well tell her not to get one then.....if you are happy keep on getting them......simple.

That’s fine. What’s the OP going to do if her mother tells her to find somewhere else to live?
Great idea.

splinter65

Loveinapril wrote: »

Because she is a grown woman and can do what she likes with her own body!

OP, don't tell her about the new tattoos but if she notices them then so be it. It reads like you are feeding into the drama of it all. If she tried to start drama about them (seriously, tears?!) you need to just be politely matter of fact by saying you got them on your body and they do not impact anyone else then move on. Don't allow it to turn into something bigger.

If she’s a grown woman then why is she back home in her old bed relying on mammy for a roof over her head?

Airyfairy12

Why tell her if you know she'll be upset? Its your body and you can do what you want to it as youre an adult but telling your mother is asking for drama. Keep them covered, I dont know how hard that can be? long sleeve top and pants? unless theyre on your face, neck, hands then it shouldnt be an issue.

MonkstownHoop

Tenigate wrote: »

What is your reason for getting the tattoos?

While you're living there, just cover up. Stop getting tattoos. Stop involving your sisters in your drama. And stop upsetting your mother.

Instead of spending your cash on tattoos, either spend it on rent, or spend it on counselling to figure out why you are acting like a rebellious teenager.

We've found her Mammy

GingerLily

Tell your mother you know she doesn't like your tattoo's so you will not in future talk about them or show them off in front of her in her house.

That way you don't have to tell her about the new ones and you're respecting her.

khaldrogo

splinter65 wrote:

That’s fine. What’s the OP going to do if her mother tells her to find somewhere else to live? Great idea.

Well, as a fugging adult, I would hope she wasn't planning on staying for too long.

My mother always tells me she doesn't like my tattoos, do you know how much consideration I gave that opinion when I got more tattoos...........

Parents having holds over adult children for their whole lives seems to be predominantly a country thing in my experience

The Princess Bride

My 78yr old mother hates tattoos. She's still going on about one my brother has had for 20 years. She is allowed have her opinion, as is your mother.

I got my 1st tattoo at 43 and am certainly not rebellious.
I didn't tell my parents and can't see why I'll ever need to.

You're in your 30s OP.
You're only answerable to yourself.
You're only going to be living there for a few months, so it's probably easier to cover up than to listen to lectures.

Sam Quentin

I would advise you to tell her, actually could you please walk in with all your new tattoos exposed and a hidden camera pointing at your Mums face..
Awwwh yeah cool 😎

forestgirl

Tenigate wrote: »

What is your reason for getting the tattoos?

While you're living there, just cover up. Stop getting tattoos. Stop involving your sisters in your drama. And stop upsetting your mother.

Instead of spending your cash on tattoos, either spend it on rent, or spend it on counselling to figure out why you are acting like a rebellious teenager.

Tenigate your reply really makes me laugh,you coming across very bossy and like a wagon.it is only a tattoo for goodness sake and I don't like tattoos but can appreciate why others get them,so what boo hoo.Op if you love the tattoos that's all that matters, I think you should tell her

splinter65

khaldrogo wrote: »

Well, as a fugging adult, I would hope she wasn't planning on staying for too long.

My mother always tells me she doesn't like my tattoos, do you know how much consideration I gave that opinion when I got more tattoos...........

Parents having holds over adult children for their whole lives seems to be predominantly a country thing in my experience

2 or 3 months she says. In this weather it shouldn’t be too difficult to keep the tattoos to herself. Unless, of course, she wants to take this opportunity to make some kind of an issue about it for some mysterious reason.
I’m allergic to drama myself, plus I’d appreciate the bed and hospitality if I needed it and respect other people’s sensibilities particularly my loved ones.
So I’d not be rubbing anyone face in it.

XVII

splinter65 wrote: »

That’s fine. What’s the OP going to do if her mother tells her to find somewhere else to live?
Great idea.

telling your own daughter to leave the house because she has some tattoos? That's immediate flag for mommy to have her head checked

Hannibal_Smith

I don't think the problem is with your tattoos OP. Your mother needs to accept you're an adult. She cannot scold you for being naughty any more. And this 'my house, my rules' nonsense, when you're in your 30s is a non runner for me. I don't know why you're living at home, but it shouldn't be the same as when you were a child. The relationship needs to change to one of two adults of equal standing. You haven't done anything wrong to her.

Cover the tattoos, if you feel you need to. But I think the bigger picture is that you all need to accept you're an adult now and not answerable to your mother for anything.

yesto24

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I don't think the problem is with your tattoos OP. Your mother needs to accept you're an adult. She cannot scold you for being naughty any more. And this 'my house, my rules' nonsense, when you're in your 30s is a non runner for me. I don't know why you're living at home, but it shouldn't be the same as when you were a child. The relationship needs to change to one of two adults of equal standing. You haven't done anything wrong to her.

Cover the tattoos, if you feel you need to. But I think the bigger picture is that you all need to accept you're an adult now and not answerable to your mother for anything.

But they are not two adults of equal standing.
One has a house to live in the other doesn't.

Hannibal_Smith

yesto24 wrote: »

But they are not two adults of equal standing.
One has a house to live in the other doesn't.

Of course they are two adults of equal standing. The mother is letting the daughter live with her, for what ever reason. The daughter hasn't caused any damage to the house, or disrespected it or the mother. She s a 30 year old who got a tattoo.

pitifulgod

eviltwin wrote: »

Sure you can cover them up and hide them but why would you and anyway what if she accidentally sees you without the long sleeves? I'd be the opposite, I'd tell her. Just state the facts, don't look for approval. You are a grown adult for goodness sake not a 15 year old and they are there now, what exactly can you do about them? Is this going to be a deal breaker regards you staying with her?

Would agree with you on this, my mother was horrified for a bit when she discovered my tattoo that I got in twenties. She still hates it but overall no real concern if she sees it now that she knows it's there. I don't think it's particularly healthy to live in fear over your mother's reaction to ink on your skin.

yesto24 wrote: »

But they are not two adults of equal standing.
One has a house to live in the other doesn't.

I view all adults as on equal footing to me overall. Circumstance can result in you moving back home but guessing this is a short term thing for op and situation plenty have encountered.

Malayalam

When my kids started getting tattoos I was mostly thinking Christ I hope they still like that symbol/image /quote in 30 years. It is a bit weird the first time you see a new big area of your babies skin covered in ink, but after that it's nothing. That's not just a Mammy reaction - I have a 70 year old friend and she is always getting new tattoos, big ones, and I feel the same surprise at her latest inkings. And then it's normal. If she really hates tattoos then don't show her, and if she spies one, let her have her bit of a shock and adjusting, just keep light hearted yourself. You can't force her to like them but you can stay pleasant and affectionate towards her if she gets flustered. I do have a small tattoo myself done by a drunk French man with a darning needle in the olden days - it's very nice, considering.

Dial Hard

Its Snowing Out wrote:

Why did you get tattoos when you knew it would upset your mother?

Because she likes them and her mother doesn't own her, for jaysis sake.

Dial Hard

Its Snowing Out wrote:

She shouldn't do things that upset her mother. Should have a bit of cop on.

We all do things that upset our parents from time to time, it's called being an independent person. We don't exist purely to keep our parents happy 24/7, 365. What an odd attitude to have.

Neyite

Mod:

Irishman86, this is an advice forum so please direct your replies to the Op. We also have an expected standard of posting here - we expect that posters be civil and courteous to each other and especially the OP concerning their problem.

Your posts were deleted based on this. Further posts made in a similar vein may incur a warning or a ban.

jimgoose

Your mother is, in the heel of the hunt, throwing a tantrum because she's not getting her own way. You'd be surprised at the amount of "Irish Mammy" types that indulge in this sort of abuse in order to control their adult children. Have the basic courtesy to cover your tattoos while in her house, but beyond that ignore her childish behaviour, certainly don't let it influence you.

meeeeh

jimgoose wrote: »

Your mother is, in the heel of the hunt, throwing a tantrum because she's not getting her own way. You'd be surprised at the amount of "Irish Mammy" types that indulge in this sort of abuse in order to control their adult children. Have the basic courtesy to cover your tattoos while in her house, but beyond that ignore her childish behaviour, certainly don't let it influence you.

Her mother is doing no such thing. She doesn't like tattoos and she made it clear to the op when she got the first one. But nothing similar was implied this time, op was just asking should she tell her about other tattoos. Since it's op who needs a roof of over her head the discussion about "Irish mammy types" is completely redundant. Her mother clearly isn't controlling op's life since she got more tattoos. However she does have control of her own home, if there is a bust up it won't be op's mother who will be moving out.

jimgoose

meeeeh wrote: »

Her mother is doing no such thing. She doesn't like tattoos and she made it clear to the op when she got the first one. But nothing similar was implied this time, op was just asking should she tell her about other tattoos. Since it's op who needs a roof of over her head the discussion about "Irish mammy types" is completely redundant. Her mother clearly isn't controlling op's life since she got more tattoos. However she does have control of her own home, if there is a bust up it won't be op's mother who will be moving out.

"Tears(from her), no talking to her about it and we really haven't spoken about it since. My sisters have told me she mentions it to them every once in awhile in a 'why did she ruin her life kind of way'. She has very strong opinions about tattoos. My sisters don't challenge her opinion but just smile and nod til she shuts up." == Temper-Tantrums until people align with her views. And talk about moving out over a couple of tattoos is merely more of it.

meeeeh

jimgoose wrote: »

"Tears(from her), no talking to her about it and we really haven't spoken about it since. My sisters have told me she mentions it to them every once in awhile in a 'why did she ruin her life kind of way'. She has very strong opinions about tattoos. My sisters don't challenge her opinion but just smile and nod til she shuts up." == Temper-Tantrums until people align with her views. And talk about moving out over a couple of tattoos is merely more of it.

Yes you have it for Irish mammies but how does that help op? She needs a roof over her head not her mother. While I don't agree with her mother's reaction they are not on equal footing. And her mother has as much of a right to dislike tattoos as op has the right to get them.

jimgoose

meeeeh wrote: »

Yes you have it for Irish mammies but how does that help op? She needs a roof over her head not her mother. While I don't agree with her mother's reaction they are not on equal footing. And her mother has as much of a right to dislike tattoos as op has the right to get them.

You're missing the point. I myself dislike tattoos. But I respect the right of a grown man or woman to have them.