32 and feel like I'll never meet anyone to settle down with

irishrebe

Hi everyone,
A friend recommended this forum to ask for advice, so here I am! I'll try to be as upbeat as I can because I know self pity is never a good look.
So I'm 32 and single, after my last relationship ended a few months ago after he cheated on me. I'm feeling pretty down and stressed out because I really do want a husband and kids at some point and the older I get, the more I worry that it's just never going to happen. 
Some background info - I actually spent almost all my twenties in relationships. I was with my first boyfriend from 21 to 23, then my second from 23 to 29. After that one ended when I was 29, I was absolutely broken into pieces. I had been so sure that he was the 'one', we'd spent so long together and been through so much together and suddenly I was on my own. I didn't realise until we broke up how much I'd compromised and sacrificed for him (and he didn't appreciate it, but that's a whole other story). Most of my friends were originally his friends, and when we broke up I felt so alone and so low that I ended up having a breakdown and spending a while in therapy. I'm summarising here so it sounds flippant, but honest to God, it was the worst time in my life. I was suicidal for quite a few months. My entire life just collapsed all around me. 
I knew I was in no shape to be dating, so spent the next 18 months or so single, bar the odd short fling or snog, and just working on being who I wanted to be. I picked up Crossfit, I went back to learning Japanese and Spanish, I travelled to Japan and South America, just basically doing all the things I had always wanted to do, but  hadn't, because I was focusing on my relationship. And wouldn't you know it, during that trip to South America, shortly after I turned 30, I met a guy I really clicked with and against my best judgement, we ended up starting a long distance relationship. Things were great for a while - I went over there and could spend up to 3 months at a time (I'm a freelancer so can work from anywhere) and his friends and family were so welcoming. He came to visit me every few months and my family really liked him. I honestly thought, this is it, I can relax now. This is the guy. The One. And then the issues started to crop up. He was supposed to be moving over to Europe, but his mam got sick, then other things happened and we still didn't have a final date for him moving. I felt things starting to stagnate a bit, then before Christmas, ironically as things were going better and we were chatting constantly and making plans for me to go over this March, he cheated on me on a night out. To his credit, he told me immediately, and we ended the relationship. As horrible as it was, it was much easier than the last big break-up, because my whole life wasn't centered on his. I have my own hobbies now, I have my online business, I have a better relationship with my family. So it was a lot easier to deal with.
So here I am. I didn't want to mope and dwell, so as soon as he told me, I made plans to move over to Spain, something I've always wanted to do and I thought, why not? I've no obligation to anyone now. I came over right after Christmas and I've rented a one bed flat in a lovely city where the sun shines almost all the time. I get up in the morning and have coffee and croissants outside a cafe, and spend my afternoons walking around galleries and exploring the city. I know I'm so lucky to be free and living somewhere like this. And yet I have this crushing loneliness inside. I've signed up for loads of meetups and joined Tinder and everything everyone would recommend to someone who is single and lonely, but it all feels so empty. I'm a natural introvert  and quite shy, so it's a big effort for me to do this stuff, and then when it's disappointing, I feel so crushed. Most of the Tinder guys seem to just want to hook up (got badly hurt by a guy who pretended to really like me, and it turned out he just wanted sex), and the Meetup people seem to show up and do the activity and go home. A lot of them are couples or, in the 'expat' groups, people who are just staying for a few weeks. I'm not a bad looking girl at all, I dress well and so on, and I would get quite a lot of male attention, but it doesn't feel like guys are interested in anything more than a casual thing, and I don't want that. If I were 26 again, none of this would bother me, I'd figure that I have time to meet someone, and focus on making friends and doing fun things, but I have that horrible biological clock ticking in my ear. I see all my college friends and school friends marrying and having kids, my long term ex has just got married and had a kid, and I just don't see how this can happen for me now. It's actually quite common in Spain for people to settle down much later than in Ireland (being single at 32 isn't that weird here), so I thought this was the perfect place to find someone, but no, guys in their early and even late thirties seem quite happy just to look for ****buddies and one night stands. And because I'm so stressed about being single, I can't even enjoy being single, if that makes sense. 
I know this post makes me sound like a massive loser whose only interest is finding a man. I promise that's not the case! I've accomplished quite a lot in my life, I'm well travelled, I speak several languages, I have my own online business and a hobby which takes me around the world to different annual sports events. I've started a Japanese class here and am planning a trip to Japan with a friend in April. I think I'm a very genuine person and a good friend. People I meet on the whole seem to warm to me and find me interesting and fun. And yet here I am. I don't know if it's something I'm doing wrong, picking the wrong partners, if it's a vibe I give off. I don't know. I've found a lovely English speaking therapist and will have my first session with her on Wednesday, which I'm excited about. I have my runners and my workout clothes laid out ready for a run in the morning, to try to lift my mood a bit. I'm trying so hard not to sink into a total depression, but these worries about never meeting anyone are on my mind all the time.
If anyone had any advice or is in the same situation, it would be great to hear from you. I'm very isolated here and a bit homesick and I don't want to be bothering my mam with constant phone calls but it's quite a struggle! Thanks so much for any advice.

Xterminator

Hi OP

Are you looking for too much too soon from a relationship?

Why cant you just be friends? im focusing on the comment

but it doesn't feel like guys are interested in anything more than a casual thing, and I don't want that

.

Maybe i took you up wrong, but how do you get from acquaintance to not casual? Now i'm not saying sleep with every fella you meet and hope one sticks around, but perhaps your approach to dating is trying the find 'the one' when it could be lets have fun, and see where this goes?

you have been hurt in the past and perhaps your too guarded.

irishrebe

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

Are you looking for too much too soon from a relationship?

Why cant you just be friends? im focusing on the comment

but it doesn't feel like guys are interested in anything more than a casual thing, and I don't want that

.

Maybe i took you up wrong, but how do you get from acquaintance to not casual? Now i'm not saying sleep with every fella you meet and hope one sticks around, but perhaps your approach to dating is trying the find 'the one' when it could be lets have fun, and see where this goes?

you have been hurt in the past and perhaps your too guarded.

I find that guys here aren't really interested in being friends. They have plenty of friends from school, etc. That's why I've tried joining some expat groups - at least there people are new like me and looking to meet new friends, and maybe more (I'm happy just to meet any new people right now - I'm all alone here!). I've found that on the dating apps, most of the guys are  very upfront about not wanting a relationship. I'd be up for starting off as friends with benefits/casual dating and seeing what happens, but if the guy is saying upfront he doesn't want anything serious, then it's a waste of time IMO.

charlietheminxx

OP I’m not sure I have any proper advice on this but I wanted to comment anyway and say that you have a fantastic attitude and outlook on life. You’re educated, skilled and adventurous, you’re proactive about your mental health and quite honestly seem like someone to be admired.

It does sound like a challenging situation but I think all you can do is keep going as you are for a while longer. You’re only in the country a couple of months and I’m sure things will get easier and you’ll make deeper connections as you go. For friends have you considered trying Girl Crew? It’s often a bit of a different crowd to Meetup (who sometimes is more about doing things in a group than befriending any of that group).

I empathise on the biological clock factor but if you look at ALL the wonderful changes you’ve made in the last 3 years, then think about how much could change in the next 3. Mid/late thirties is an increasingly common time to start a family now. Try not to set a time limit which may make you panic, focus on just finding people who you like and have chemistry with and go from there. There’s no secret to finding a life partner, it’s a combination of luck and trial and error. Keep dating, keep focusing on all the wonderful, positive things in your life and I’m sure eventually among the frogs you’ll meet someone special.

In terms of online dating would you consider elite singles or match? I know elite singles tends to have people specifically looking for something more serious and it might not be as shallow as the likes of Tinder.

Sorry I don’t have better answers but you sounds like a really cool, positive and interesting person so keep your chin up and keep pushing on.

turbot

OP, I suggest you take phenomenal care of yourself physically... eat the very healthiest food, train hard, meditate, stretch, dance. All these things can prop you up emotionally and accentuate your attractiveness.

Consider dating guys who are 8-10 years older than you who may want whst you want or feel more ready for that.

And - whatever you think you might need to do to achieve ideal relationship, up that by 500%. I know many beautiful successful women in late 30s / early 40s who never had kids so do all you can to swing odds in your favour. Try especially to figure out if guys want what you do according to your timeline... as many may not.

Augme

Maybe just work on getting comfortable(or at least not hating) the fact that you may never get married or have kids. Or think more about IVF and having a child on your own.

Bambi985

Ah OP you sound wonderful and like a right catch! You're obviously a very driven person and you're really living your life in a way that's admirable and inspiring - you're certainly not doing anything "wrong" so don't even attempt to go down that path!

Relationships are really about luck and timing and that's about all there is to it. Your bad run of luck in relationships has nothing to do with you and moreso just life happening as it happens and that's all there is to it. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow and it can send you down an introspective rabbit hole, but some people meet their life partners at an early age and sail through all those usual milestones and others have to meet a few wrong uns before they get there and then some people live life alone and that's just the way things go sometimes.

You've obviously got a lot of bows to your string that most people don't - a great education, language skills, a hobby you're dedicated to, lots of travel - many could look at you and think "when is my life going to really take off like that? Why did I not have those opportunities?" . I think it's worth working to look at yourself as a whole, worthy person, in spite of and regardless of your single status - really work at thinking about yourself like that. I know that once you're female and you're single at a certain age, society won't encourage you to, and that's why it's all the more important that you do. Fair play for not settling! Fair play for not accepting shoddy treatment and for reclaiming your life and following your gut - a bloody lot if not most of us don't and live mediocre lives and sit in judgement of everyone else :pac:

From a practical perspective - 32 is young. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it really bloody is. You're not old enough to be old and decrepit and you're not so young that you're going to waste time in the wrong relationships anymore. So try to embrace that. It sounds like tinder and all those bullsh1t apps aren't the place for you, so I'd probably delete my profile if I were you and try the more natural route. Any avenues you could go down with this crossfit hobby? There's got to be plenty of attractive guys there! Do you have a group of friends/acquaintances that you train with? Outside of that, could you connect with any expat Irish groups over there? Any friends of friends living in Spain you could plan to meet up with?

It might also be worth thinking about what your longterm plans are and focusing on settling into the kind of life you want now. It sounds like you've lived a transient life with all the travel and from personal experience I know that that can be a block to relationships - people see you as one foot in and one out of the country so it can be hard for both sides to commit. Do you see yourself in Spain indefinitely? Or back to Ireland at some point? Putting those roots down now might be important.

And finally - the hardest one - stop panicking! Honestly nothing good gets done when you've got a gun to your head, especially when it comes to life and love. These things can't be planned for, you can only maximise opportunities by putting yourself out there, accepting every invite you get, taking great care of your body and appearance and getting as happy as you possibly can get in your own skin.

You'll be grand love. "It'll all be grand in the end. And if it's not grand, it's not the end" as my granny used to say

jimbobalob309

living on your own in spain far from family and friends with no support network and no work colleagues as you work from home seems counter productive when your trying to find a partner. not that it cant be done, but most people meet their partners through friends or work as far as i can see. though sitting in a mediterranean cafe with your coffee and croissant every morning sounds like heaven!

Emme

turbot wrote: »

OP, I suggest you take phenomenal care of yourself physically... eat the very healthiest food, train hard, meditate, stretch, dance. All these things can prop you up emotionally and accentuate your attractiveness.

Consider dating guys who are 8-10 years older than you who may want whst you want or feel more ready for that.

And - whatever you think you might need to do to achieve ideal relationship, up that by 500%. I know many beautiful successful women in late 30s / early 40s who never had kids so do all you can to swing odds in your favour. Try especially to figure out if guys want what you do according to your timeline... as many may not.

I would advise the OP to be happy in herself rather than turn herself inside out for some older guy who might strong her along with several other beautiful successful women in their 30s/40s.

irishrebe

charlietheminxx wrote: »

OP I’m not sure I have any proper advice on this but I wanted to comment anyway and say that you have a fantastic attitude and outlook on life. You’re educated, skilled and adventurous, you’re proactive about your mental health and quite honestly seem like someone to be admired.

It does sound like a challenging situation but I think all you can do is keep going as you are for a while longer. You’re only in the country a couple of months and I’m sure things will get easier and you’ll make deeper connections as you go. For friends have you considered trying Girl Crew? It’s often a bit of a different crowd to Meetup (who sometimes is more about doing things in a group than befriending any of that group).

I empathise on the biological clock factor but if you look at ALL the wonderful changes you’ve made in the last 3 years, then think about how much could change in the next 3. Mid/late thirties is an increasingly common time to start a family now. Try not to set a time limit which may make you panic, focus on just finding people who you like and have chemistry with and go from there. There’s no secret to finding a life partner, it’s a combination of luck and trial and error. Keep dating, keep focusing on all the wonderful, positive things in your life and I’m sure eventually among the frogs you’ll meet someone special.

In terms of online dating would you consider elite singles or match? I know elite singles tends to have people specifically looking for something more serious and it might not be as shallow as the likes of Tinder.

Sorry I don’t have better answers but you sounds like a really cool, positive and interesting person so keep your chin up and keep pushing on.

Thanks for your lovely comments. I don't know if I deserve them because honestly, it has taken me the past few years to get to this point of feeling positive and generally happy with myself. I really sank to rock bottom after the big break-up and I was in therapy and on medication for a long while. I stopped the medication last year and now I'm trying to keep my mood up with exercise, meditation, good food and sunshine....I hope I can do it. Outwardly I have always come across as strong and outgoing, but until recently I struggled a lot with the inside and believing in myself. 
I have looked up Girl Crew but it doesn't seem to have a presence here. I'm gonna keep giving Meetup a chance and try some new groups and maybe look for a few language exchange partners...I made a few friends this way back in Ireland and I find one to one a lot easier to deal with than groups. So I'll give both those things a shot. 
Yeah, I do know quite a few people who met their partners around mid thirties and got married and had a family. It's just so hard to relax about it but I know stressing about it is making things ten times worse. I think at least if I think 'OK I might never meet someone, but I can enjoy my life as much as possible', at least I'll be having a good time. 
I've looked at pretty much all the dating sites and only Tinder seems to have any sort of decent presence here. The upside is that it's not as 'grotty' as it was back in London where I used to live - I don't really get the harassment and outright sexual talk from message one that I used to get - but most guys seem to be looking for casual hook-ups all the same. I don't think the format really suits me - I find it all very awkward and I prefer to meet people organically, but I did meet a guy who is now one of my best friends on Tinder back in London after my big break up, and never would have met him otherwise, so I'm hesitating about deleting it completely! I just don't know!

irishrebe

turbot wrote: »

OP, I suggest you take phenomenal care of yourself physically... eat the very healthiest food, train hard, meditate, stretch, dance. All these things can prop you up emotionally and accentuate your attractiveness.

Consider dating guys who are 8-10 years older than you who may want whst you want or feel more ready for that.  

And - whatever you think you might need to do to achieve ideal relationship, up that by 500%. I know many beautiful successful women in late 30s / early 40s who never had kids so do all you can to swing odds in your favour. Try especially to figure out if guys want what you do according to your timeline... as many may not.

I am taking my fitness very seriously now! I find it helps my mental health more than just about anything else, and the physical effects are just a bonus. One of the reasons I chose to live in this city is that there are so many opportunities for exercising outdoors and eating lovely fresh fruit and veg.
I'm open to dating men of any age but to be honest, I find the older they are, the more jaded and the less they're interested in settling down. Of course there will be exceptions, but I actually find men who are a little bit younger than me are more open to the idea of a relationship. But I'm not discounting anyone based on age - I think personality and maturity level are more important than the number. 
I feel like I'm already doing a lot to find my ideal relationship but then I wonder if I'm trying to hard and forcing it. My ex complained that he felt pressured by my timelines and desire to have kids soon. A lot of that could be down to him not understanding that I do have a timeline, but I can also understand it from his point of view, that he felt like I just wanted someone to have kids with as opposed to really being in love with him. Sometimes I wonder if trying too hard is actually sabotaging myself. I just don't know.

irishrebe

Bambi985 wrote: »

Ah OP you sound wonderful and like a right catch! You're obviously a very driven person and you're really living your life in a way that's admirable and inspiring - you're certainly not doing anything "wrong" so don't even attempt to go down that path!

Relationships are really about luck and timing and that's about all there is to it. Your bad run of luck in relationships has nothing to do with you and moreso just life happening as it happens and that's all there is to it. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow and it can send you down an introspective rabbit hole, but some people meet their life partners at an early age and sail through all those usual milestones and others have to meet a few wrong uns before they get there and then some people live life alone and that's just the way things go sometimes.

You've obviously got a lot of bows to your string that most people don't - a great education, language skills, a hobby you're dedicated to, lots of travel - many could look at you and think "when is my life going to really take off like that? Why did I not have those opportunities?" . I think it's worth working to look at yourself as a whole, worthy person, in spite of and regardless of your single status - really work at thinking about yourself like that. I know that once you're female and you're single at a certain age, society won't encourage you to, and that's why it's all the more important that you do. Fair play for not settling! Fair play for not accepting shoddy treatment and for reclaiming your life and following your gut - a bloody lot if not most of us don't and live mediocre lives and sit in judgement of everyone else :pac:

From a practical perspective - 32 is young. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it really bloody is. You're not old enough to be old and decrepit and you're not so young that you're going to waste time in the wrong relationships anymore. So try to embrace that. It sounds like tinder and all those bullsh1t apps aren't the place for you, so I'd probably delete my profile if I were you and try the more natural route. Any avenues you could go down with this crossfit hobby? There's got to be plenty of attractive guys there! Do you have a group of friends/acquaintances that you train with? Outside of that, could you connect with any expat Irish groups over there? Any friends of friends living in Spain you could plan to meet up with?

It might also be worth thinking about what your longterm plans are and focusing on settling into the kind of life you want now. It sounds like you've lived a transient life with all the travel and from personal experience I know that that can be a block to relationships - people see you as one foot in and one out of the country so it can be hard for both sides to commit. Do you see yourself in Spain indefinitely? Or back to Ireland at some point? Putting those roots down now might be important.

And finally - the hardest one - stop panicking! Honestly nothing good gets done when you've got a gun to your head, especially when it comes to life and love. These things can't be planned for, you can only maximise opportunities by putting yourself out there, accepting every invite you get, taking great care of your body and appearance and getting as happy as you possibly can get in your own skin.

You'll be grand love. "It'll all be grand in the end. And if it's not grand, it's not the end" as my granny used to say

Thanks for your comments! Yes, I guess a lot of it is down to luck and timing but I also seem to either make bad choices or sabotage relationships once I'm in them. This is something I definitely want to address with my new therapist. I don't seem to have any trouble at all attracting men and dating casually, but finding someone I really click with who wants what I want feels like looking for a needle in a haystack sometimes! I was one of those people who thought I'd met my life partner at an early age. I honestly thought I'd marry my very long term ex and so did everyone else, and then it ended and I'm in a position I'd never imagined I'd be in. And now I'm ten years older and don't have the benefit of the early twenties social scene - college, house parties, going out clubbing, etc. to be meeting new people effortlessly. But it is what it is! I DO have things I didn't have then, like more assertiveness, independence, etc.
I know for sure a lot of people look at my life and are envious (they tell me so) and I know I'm lucky in so many ways to have all these opportunities and this lifestyle. I just wish I had someone to enjoy it with. Maybe it's greedy of me to think I can 'have it all'. I know I probably could have 'settled' and probably still could, but I don't think I could live like that. I know no relationship is perfect, but I've experienced that true connection in the past, that deep understanding of each other, and I want to find it again. 
32 feels like such a weird age! I know it is young - even back when I was 22, I had a 32-year-old flatmate and considered her young - but then it's also an age where most of the people you grew up with are having kids and getting married. Especially where I come from, which is quite a rural area. The Crossfit group I train with consists of mostly couples, but I've signed up for a park running meetup group (just haven't worked up the nerve to go to it yet) and also the Irish expats group. Even having some friends to have pints with and chat away in English would be brilliant, so I'm really hoping they'll be sound! 
Yes, I have definitely had quite a transient life and I really want to settle down now. I don't know if this is the place for me, but I'm going to give it a very good go and try to put down roots here. I'm from a rural part of Ireland and that's definitely not the right place for me. My parents are there so I go back often to see them but they're even talking of moving away in the next few years. My siblings all live in the UK and all my old friends have emigrated, so there's very little left for me there now. I spent most of my twenties in London but ultimately I just found it too expensive (I realised I'd never even be able to rent a one-bed flat on my own and I can't take flatmates anymore) and also quite a cold and unfriendly place, so I took the leap to move here to Spain. I'm really not sure how it's going to turn out but I'm absolutely loving the weather - unreal how much it lifts your mood! Thanks again for your positivity!

irishrebe

jimbobalob309 wrote: »

living on your own in spain far from family and friends with no support network and no work colleagues as you work from home seems counter productive when your trying to find a partner. not that it cant be done, but most people meet their partners through friends or work as far as i can see. though sitting in a mediterranean cafe with your coffee and croissant every morning sounds like heaven!

I totally understand what you mean but in all honesty I had no support network anyway. I left Ireland years ago because of the work situation and spent most of my twenties in London, but I never really was happy there. I stayed there because of my ex, mostly. After our break-up I realised most of 'our' friends were his friends and eventually ended up going back to Ireland for a while to get myself better and spend time with family. I knew I could never stay in my hometown for good, though - it's a typical rural conservative small town and there's just nothing there for me. Most of my friends emigrated and the people who are still there and my age are all settled down with young families. It was alright while I was going over to visit my recent ex all the time, and him coming to me, but as a single person trying to meet new people it'd be a nightmare. I initially considered moving to Dublin or Galway, but to be honest, I don't really know anyone there either and the cost of living is really high, so Spain seemed like a better option. I am finding it quite hard to settle in though, so maybe Dublin would have been a better choice, but I think I need to give it some time.
It would probably be easier to meet people if I had a normal workplace, but tbh it's really hard to find jobs in my field, which is why I went freelance in the first place. I'm going to try a few coworking places to see if there's any social vibe in any of them. It's not the same as having real colleagues but it might be better than nothing.

irishrebe

Augme wrote: »

Maybe just work on getting comfortable(or at least not hating) the fact that you may never get married or have kids. Or think more about IVF and having a child on your own.

That's a really upsetting thought but realistically I think I have to accept it as a possibility and be OK with it. I used to be really against the idea of having a child on my own because I felt like it would be unfair to deprive the child of having a father around, but I think it would be even worse to have a child with the wrong person. This is something I need to discuss in therapy, I think.

Katgurl

Hi OP,


A lot of your posts remind me of myself; mainly in your attitude. I'm 40 but I do remember that 32 was a very tough age and in some ways I feel younger now. All your friends and peers of that age have spent the last couple of years getting engsged or married, there are pregnancies being announced every few weeks, it is really hard not to feel like the odd one out.

However the best thing I ever did was accept my situation. One day I realised I had everything I needed to make myself happy and all that mattered was the here and now. My Mr Right would arrive or he wouldn't. I was pretty sure he would as I had never been short on male attention but he might come into my life later and never have kids. And it worked. I genuinely became really really happy. Like you, I had loads to be thankful for and I enjoyed it all.

I almost hate adding that i did then meet a guy because it makes it sound like the previous stuff was only relevant because it 'worked' but I suppose it is proof that happiness and self-love does attract happiness and love.

Also I met him at the end of my thirties, we have a baby on the way so you have loads of time.

In summary, you can increase your chances of meeting someone suitable but at the end of the day it's largely outside your control so accept that and concentrate on enjoying everything you do have.

irishrebe

Katgurl wrote: »

Hi OP,


A lot of your posts remind me of myself; mainly in your attitude. I'm 40 but I do remember that 32 was a very tough age and in some ways I feel younger now. All your friends and peers of that age have spent the last couple of years getting engsged or married, there are pregnancies being announced every few weeks, it is really hard not to feel like the odd one out.

However the best thing I ever did was accept my situation. One day I realised I had everything I needed to make myself happy and all that mattered was the here and now. My Mr Right would arrive or he wouldn't. I was pretty sure he would as I had never been short on male attention but he might come into my life later and never have kids. And it worked. I genuinely became really really happy. Like you, I had loads to be thankful for and I enjoyed it all.

I almost hate adding that i did then meet a guy  because it makes it sound like the previous stuff was only relevant because it 'worked' but I suppose it is proof that happiness and self-love does attract happiness and love.

Also I met him at the end of my thirties, we have a baby on the way so you have loads of time.

In summary, you can increase your chances of meeting someone suitable but at the end of the day it's largely outside your control so accept that and concentrate on enjoying everything you do have.

Thanks for your comments! Yeah, it's a really tough age. To be honest, being 29 and fresh out of a relationship was horrible too, but then I met my recent ex at 30 and then everything changed and I thought I could have marriage and babies in my early thirties after all. Now I feel like I'm back to square one, only even worse, and finding it hard not to resent him for wasting these past 2+ years I could have met someone else (some of my friends have met guys, got married and had a baby in the same timeframe), but it is what it is! I think I need to get better at ending relationships sooner. I tend to hang on even when it's not going well because I don't want to waste the time I've put in, and that's not good. It's just so hard to tell whether I'm being too picky and fussy or if there are genuinely issues which cannot be worked out. I have no faith in my own judgement anymore. This is definitely something to address in therapy!
That's amazing to hear it all worked out for you in the end! I hope it will be the same for me, but as you said, the key is getting to a place where I'm happy with myself and I don't 'need' anyone. I think I'm just about there. As you said I'm grateful for all the little things like getting a lie-in every weekend, being able to spontaneously head out for drinks or even a last minute city break. Just doing what makes me happy and enjoying myself as much as I can. I think everything is harder because I don't really have a friend group or support here so I really am very alone, and it's been that way for the past few years, really. I'd like to build up a social group here. Got to work on my shyness and fake it til I make it, I think! It sounds pathetic but I was going to go to an Irish expats meetup to watch the rugby the other day and once I got in the pub and saw how packed it was, and I didn't know a soul, I felt so intimidated that I just left. I had no idea how I was supposed to walk up to random Irish people and ask them if they were from the meetup group. Aghhh! So frustrated with myself now. 
If you don't mind me asking, how did you approach dating in your thirties? I keep reading that you should be more 'intentional' about it and try to make relationships happen, especially if you want kids, but it's just so stressful! I think back to my early twenties and how lovely and exciting it was to get to know my ex, chatting over pints, walking around the city, no pressure and no stress and no expectations, just letting things happen naturally...my heart wants to do that but my head is saying, well, you could potentially be wasting time if it turns out he doesn't want a serious relationship/kids.

mectavba

Hi OP,

I'm a 32 year old male that dipped into this forum, as I feel in a similar place to you - really bad break up, she cheated, before xmas, thought she was the one etc. I'm also living abroad in a place not conducive to meeting anyone. I'm here for work, which is going really well, but over the last few months can't shake the feeling of "what if it never happens". Exact same story re friends having babies, weddings etc.

Now you will most likely say that as a male I don't have the same biological clock issue, but turning 33 this year with no prospects is still a bit daunting - even as a male. 

From reading your posts, I think you are putting to much pressure on yourself to find the "one". The last quote about being intentional seems way off to me. I think you need to relax and enjoy getting to know people, like you did in your 20's. What I think is different at our age (can't believe I'm using that expression)  is that before too long you will start to realise if it is for keeps or not. I know you aren't looking for casual hook-ups etc and you say that most guys seem to be only interested in that. A lot of guys might put on that front, but for a lot it is a shield for not getting hurt themselves. 

You sound like you have such a positive take on life on everything else. Don't think about "wasting time". Take a few chances, people will surprise you. While a lot of guys at 32 might not have babies on the mind just yet, they are also at an age that once they meet someone right, it won't take too long for them know the time is right.

I'm not sure if any of the above is any help...I just saw the title and thought I'd give my two cents.

LegacyUser

wasting these past 2+ years I could have met someone else (some of my friends have met guys, got married and had a baby in the same timeframe)

OP I know it's not easy but try and take the 'baby timeframe' off the table. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone.
The above scenarios don't sound ideal either - 2 years? How can anyone know anyone in 2 years? Let alone get married and have babies? It sounds like your friends felt time wasn't on their side so rushed into marriage & babies? Where was the honeymoon period of the relationship?
I know lots of women having/had babies in their late 30s, early 40s.
Of course you don't have to have children either - or you may even change your mind. Having children is a life-altering event - it can be the defining moment for some and the grinding down of others.

Apart from the time clock, your attitude is great and you seem to be living life to the full. This is very attractive and puts you in a great position to meet someone. But really try and keep things chill as the baby/marriage would turn off potential boyfriends.

HumbleBumble

My honest opinion here is that you just need to take a step back and take a breather... 32 is not old. You have plenty of time to meet someone. If you go into a friendship/relationship carrying all this anxiety about makkmg it work then you're likely to be rushing things.

Without meaning to offend, you might be coming off too needy. It's hard being on your own, I'm single too. But you also need to be comfortable enough on your own company as you were in a relationship. It's a very difficult thing to learn.

So for now just accept that you are doing just fine. You are doing all you can and that is enough. You are doing the right things by putting yourself out there, you obviously are quite smart and self sufficient. You have a lot going for you so learn to really appreciate and value yourself and trust that in time the eight person will too.

irishrebe

Snowiesnow wrote: »

wasting these past 2+ years I could have met someone else (some of my friends have met guys, got married and had a baby in the same timeframe)

OP I know it's not easy but try and take the 'baby timeframe' off the table. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone.
The above scenarios don't sound ideal either - 2 years? How can anyone know anyone in 2 years? Let alone get married and have babies? It sounds like your friends felt time wasn't on their side so rushed into marriage & babies? Where was the honeymoon period of the relationship?
I know lots of women having/had babies in their late 30s, early 40s.
Of course you don't have to have children either - or you may even change your mind. Having children is a life-altering event - it can be the defining moment for some and the grinding down of others.

Apart from the time clock, your attitude is great and you seem to be living life to the full. This is very attractive and puts you in a great position to meet someone. But really try and keep things chill as the baby/marriage would turn off potential boyfriends.

It's not that I'd immediately start talking about babies or anything, not at all, but I don't want to waste months of my time with someone who has zero interest in a committed relationship or a family. The guys I naturally click with and get on with tend to be this type, so that's an issue.
I totally agree that 2 years is way too fast. Several friends have met and married guys in ONE year - I just don't get it at all. One year is still honeymoon period for me. I'd want to wait and make sure no nasty aspects of their personality surfaced, but then it seems to work for other people? I'd rather be single than married to the wrong person, though, that's for sure.

heretothere

I have always been a believer that when you are not looking for love, it happens! I agree with you that if guys on dating sites are being up front that they have no intentions of settling down any time soon I'd avoid them. I know they won't be saying they just want to get married and have kids either but if they really come across as just looking for a fling I don't see the point either.

Keep doing what you're doing. Getting out there. Could you joining a running club?

fattymoon

irishrebe wrote: »

some of my friends have met guys, got married and had a baby in the same timeframe),

And there is most likely the root cause of your anxieties. You need to ask yourself what really is the point in comparing your life or circumstances to others, or coveting what others have or do not have. The grass is always greener so enjoy the time you have to yourself now. You might never get this freedom again. As has been mentioned a few times in this forum, you meet that person when you least expect it. You cannot force it. I hope you find what you're looking for!

irishrebe

fattymoon wrote: »

irishrebe wrote: »

some of my friends have met guys, got married and had a baby in the same timeframe),

And there is most likely the root cause of your anxieties. You need to ask yourself what really is the point in comparing your life or circumstances to others, or coveting what others have or do not have. The grass is always greener so enjoy the time you have to yourself now. You might never get this freedom again. As has been mentioned a few times in this forum, you meet that person when you least expect it. You cannot force it. I hope you find what you're looking for!

It's just hard to not feel like I'm wasting time instead of being focused on something I really want. As you said, relationships are not like other things, not like jobs or travelling, you can't just make it happen, but I also feel like if I want to meet someone, I need to get out and do stuff, which is already very unnatural for me. I'm quite introverted and shy, so being social and chatting to people does not come naturally and isn't easy.