Never had a Girlfriend- Need Advice

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am 37 and struggle with shyness and social phobia. I meet a girl through friends last year who flirted with me a lot until I eventually kissed her when out drunk. We went on a few dates and I really liked her and we got on great. It felt amazing and could tell she liked me. But in the end, I started ignoring her because of the fear and having to be in social situations with her. I am fine one on one but I get nervous when in groups of people, in big groups in a small area with bright lighting, having to talk in front of a group of people. If I am drinking I am OK.

To let such an amazing girl go killed me. She is with someone else now and I am happy for her. But it hurts I still see her a bit and the more I know about her the more I know I messed up on a great girl.

Anyway, I would love a girlfriend. I sit in most weekends on my own and it's lonely. I got used to it. But when I went on a few dates I see what I am missing out. I just would love to experience it.

So I signed up for Tinder and to my surprise got some matches with some girls that I am attracted to. I am so far out of the loop that I don't even know what kind of girl I should actually aim for. So it gave me an idea. I talk online with these girls and it is easy. I really want to go on a date. But I am nervous,

I don't want to sound big-headed, but I have so much to give and although I am shy I treat everyone with respect, I don't lie and I would never cheat. I feel the world is passing me by and I am missing out on so much. I just want to be loved and give love.

Neyite

Maybe approach it from a different angle?

You seem to want to compile a list of what you want in a girlfriend but Tinder isn't Build-A-Bear and wouldn't it be healthier to go on some dates, see who you have a bit of chemistry with, and take it from there?

Attraction isn't a logical or methodological puzzle you need to be open to lots of different personalities. You can have someone who is your opposite, but end up fitting together very well because your differences compliment each other.

You can have deal-breakers, sure. If you hate smoking and you want to date someone who is like minded for example. Firstly, have a think about what's important to you. To give you an example, for me when I was dating, the top of my list was kindness. Someone who was innately kind was important to me. Then similar values and life goals as me.

I don't know too much about online dating (before my time) but I do know it's a numbers game, so go out, have fun, have lots of dates and if you like someone, arrange another date. Approach it from a point of view of meeting people and having fun rather than going out to find a girlfriend, and it will be a much nicer experience for you.

LegacyUser

I also suffer from terrible social anxiety, so I know how hard meeting people is.

Suffering with social anxiety is hard enough, but trying to cover it up puts way too much pressure on you altogether when dating someone new. Personally, I have found that being upfront about my social anxiety from the get to takes an enormous amount of pressure off me. Knowing the someone doesn't care about it lifts an enormous weight.

I haven't had many gfs either, but surprisingly all of the ones I have had were the complete opposite of me, massively extroverted, and you'd never dream they'd be interested in being with someone who is a mute in public. You'd be surprised by how many people don't give a s*** that you're not good socially, and just want someone who is good with them, not with their friends, acquaintances etc etc. Especially so once you hit your 30s+.

osarusan

For the first few dates you are likely to be by yourselves anyway.

If you are still together when it comes time to meet each other's friends, explain that you are not comfortable in big groups, and that you'd prefer to meet them in smaller numbers, and maybe in a particular setting (outdoors in an open space or wherever makes you feel comfortable). If they want to be with you, they will hopefully be willing to accommodate you like that.

Do you meet your own friends in big groups, or is it just with people you don't really know?

david75

Been there OP. Just work on yourself and your own self confidence first. Self worth is important. We’re no good to anyone nor attractive to anyone really until we have our own heads sorted to some degree. Strange things happen when you’re doing that. It’ll happen in its own way.
Keep at it though. Don’t settle. Any company at all doesn’t mean good company. Know your worth personally. Sounds harsh but I learned this the hard way.
Best of luck.

Rubberchikken

Going on loads of dates might help you to see that you're capable of meeting someone and the experiences would help you with the social anxiety.

You sound like a decent guy who deserves a chance to be happy. With a bit of effort you'll achieve this.
Good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I just want to talk to people online like this as it is easier as I cannot really ask people for advice about this in my offline life. I am green to dating. I can be chatty if I am with 1 even 2 people I feel comfortable with. I need advice, but I also need to read what people say and to tell people my story. I keep this all to myself.

I am a part of clubs I can be sociable but put me in a situation where I do not feel comfortable and I am out of there. I am an expert in avoidance, making excuses to leave a situation that I do not feel comfortable in. If you suffer from social phobia you will know what I am talking about.

When I am suffering from social phobia, my heart starts pounding and there is a fear you feel. While this is going on I am trying to stay composed. But your mind is so occupied by the fear and racing heart that you struggle with conversation, blush(horrible horrible feeling), have a fear of speaking or saying something stupid to intensify the attack. It can be mildish over a 30-minute meeting with the boss, where if I could leave I would leave. To intense(very rare situation) where say I have to do a small public speech and my heart is pounding extremely fast and I have to clench my fist to stop my body from shaking.

I've struggled with this all my life. I know some people think I am rude, but they just do not understand. I'd never talk to the girl I liked serving me coffee when she smiled as others are around. Just a smile, hello, thank you, bye.

The girl who I was on the dates with told me later that I was one of the nicest people she had ever meet and other stuff that blew my mind. I always felt worthless, invisible to women. But I am not I am a good person. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

JuliusCaesar

Have you tried StepOut or SocialAnxietyIreland?

eviltwin

I'd deal with your social anxiety first, worry about romance later. Just get used to being in social situations first without the added pressure of having to flirt. There are a good few groups on Meet-up designed for people with SA so you wouldn't be the only one. Definitely worth trying.