Am I being oversensitive?? My wife's male friend

LegacyUser

Lads (ladies too!).

Feel a bit daft posting this as maybe I'm being way oversensitive but here goes. I'm 35 so is my wife. Together years, etc....all good!

A few years ago, she befriended this guy through work. No big deal. My wife is extremely sociable, friendly, etc. She left that job 2/3 years ago but kept in touch with this guy. However, he seperated nearly 2 years ago.

A few things are bothering me.

Firstly, this guy is a fair bit older than us. 45, 46 maybe. A few times (not often, to be fair) he has messaged my wife saying he has tickets to a gig, would she like to go. She has always said no thanks. He has a teenage son and has asked my wife to meet up with him and our son for coffee (our son is only 9 so that connection isn't there). She has met him a few times, if she is in town.

My wife posts a lot on Instagram/FB. She is a photographer so posts a lot, trying to promote her business, etc. This guy comments/likes constantly. Okay, I know the craic with social media, liking/commenting, etc. is no big deal but he is a little OTT.

Now, I trust my wife 100%. Def don't think she is in anyway interested in this guy. We have a great relationship, no issues. I'm def not one of those lads who thinks men and women can't be friends but something is off with this guy.

Lads (and I'd love a female perspective on this too!), am I being over sensitive.

cailin.

It's difficult to know what your problem is from reading your post and based on what you've said, yes I would say you're over-reacting.

Your wife was friends with a colleague, maintained said friendship, meets him occasionally in town, and declines invites when she doesn't wish to go out. Has she said that the commenting on her social media making her uncomfortable? Have you met him in person?

You said that all is good between you both, and you trust her 100%. Is there something else underlying that you have left out relating to the past?

bee06

Ernesto De La Cruz wrote: »

Another man is too much attention to your wife, your instincts are flagging this for a reason. There is a lot at stake, so it's reasonable that you don't want to be hearing "one thing led to another, it was just a once off mistake".

If he trusts his wife then it doesn’t matter what this other guy is doing. The attention he’s paying is hardly suspicious or over the top anyway. He invites her for coffee and likes her Facebook pictures.

LegacyUser

Thank you. No, nothing in the past.

I have met him yes and I get a weird vibe off him. He was a bit aloof with me but my wife said he is extremely shy. She knows him better than I do so I trust her judgement.

It's the fact that he is much older than her. She has male friends who are the same age and I don't have an issue with these guys. I just get a vibe, dunno, maybe it's just me

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Is it that you're not included in the invitations that's got your spidey sense tingling? Have you met this guy in person?

Just on the social media thing, while late forties isn't old, a lot of people in that age bracket are not great on social media. My mam is an intelligent, sociable woman offline, but disaster on Facebook. There's a certain code of etiquette on social media that adept users take for granted, and some people don't realise how it comes across when they like and comment on everything.

IMHO I'd guess this guy is interested in your wife and this is why it's bothering you. But if your your wife is being upfront about everything and declining his invites to go out I wouldn't say anything.

If your wife is a nice friendly person she is not going to blank this guy when she bumps into him so I'd just let it go

LegacyUser

No, not bothered that I haven't been invited along as I wouldn't be interested as I'm not keen on the guy. He seems a bit awkward around me.

If I'm honest, he seems a little creepy ......

leggo

I get it. It can be annoying when someone is clearly into your SO and they’re oblivious to it and unknowingly may not be reacting as you’d want, it can get your brain thinking of what he’s planning or saying to his mates etc.

But this is your wife. She’s your confidante. You can bring this up with her in a non-confrontational way: something like you noticed this guy focuses a lot of attention on her and it kinda gets to you, not in that you don’t trust her, but more than you feel you should be the only guy who lavishes her with attention like that. Be clear that you know she’s done nothing wrong and it’s not a suspicious thing, but it’s nagging you a bit and you know it’s stupid. She’ll probably laugh off your concerns if you bring it up the right way, but then she should reassure you of it and be mindful of it in future when it comes to setting boundaries. That’s the respectful thing to do and you’re not unreasonable to want it.

December2012

are you offering to take her to gigs? Liking her social media?

What could she be getting from him that she isn’t getting from you?

Rekop dog

Anon for now wrote: »

Now, I trust my wife 100%. Def don't think she is in anyway interested in this guy. We have a great relationship, no issues. I'm def not one of those lads who thinks men and women can't be friends but something is off with this guy.

.

This paragraph doesn't really compute when you read the rest of the post or the simple fact it's bothering you so much to start a thread here.

If your gut is telling you there's something up or if shes given you more cause for doubt than youre mentioning here then maybe you need to bring this up with her. If it's a case of you just being insecure and having irrational fears then I'd suggest keeping it to yourself and try work on your confidence a bit more.

LegacyUser

Why do you not trust your wife? I think in a healthy relationship it should be okay for wife and husband to have separate hobbies and occasionally go out to enjoy themselves with friends without their partner always there.

Perhaps they remained really good friends since they worked together before and since he's separated perhaps he needs this connection to help him through whatever hes going through. Give your wife a credit and trust her, if he really is ott or trying to cross the boundary, it would be up to your wife to put a stop to it.

If you really dont trust this guys, perhaps offer to join them for coffee one time, see what the story is and be honest with your wife, minus the paranoia ofc, just say you feel like he's trying to hit on her and you would love to be there just for reassurance. That could allow you to establish an additional boundary with him yourself - showing up as her partner - just don't try to mark her in front of him; ie, excessive groping, handy business, hugging, kissing etc. That can be not only off putting but also excessive. Be polite, shake hands, introduce yourself firmly as her husband and if she agrees for you to tag along should also unmask any motives he may have had and whatnot.

LegacyUser

Thanks all. Myself and herself do go to gigs, etc..

I feel I give her plenty of attention, etc.

There is just something off about the guy. IMO, he is too old. Herself has said he is lonely, etc.

Maybe it's just me, I dunno.

LegacyUser

You're not really explaining what the issue is?

Is it causing arguments between you that she's in contact with him and you'd rather she cut contact? or are you worried about him being creepy and it's your gut instinct wanting to keep her away from him?

NotCarrotRidge

You seem to be as concerned about his age as anything else. Would you rather he was your age and likely to be more of a threat? Is a ten year age gap that much? I'm 45 and have friends who are your age and friends who are ten years older than me. I hate to say this, but it might just be a little bit immature to have such a hang up about age at this stage in your life.

leggo

I think the age thing is a lie the OP is telling himself tbh, this situation bothers him and he’s trying to think of logical reasons why it’s wrong and should stop, so “he’s too old to be your friend anyway” comes up.

OP look up ‘emotional cheating’ if you’re not familiar with it. Is that what you feel is happening here? Use this thread to at least get to the bottom of your feelings before confronting her on it at the very least, or it may not go how you envision. I can’t see “he’s too old to be your friend” going down well tbh.

Chancer3001

Been in this situation many times

People can disagree with my opinion all they like but it's my 2 cents.

The guy is clearly in to your wife. He lost likely fancies her and would love to be with her. It's probably the main female attention he gets . He's probably also imagined you guys breaking up in his head and him swooping in to save the day .

Meanwhile your SO has an idea that he's into her and probably enjoys the attention a little bit. But she's not interested in taking things further.

I've seen these come to a head a good few times where the guy either goes for broke and tells the woman that he's interested.

Or they fizzle out eventually because the guy gets some other attention or gets bored or your SO gets bored.

So yeah , your suspicions are grounded. He's into her. There's a high chance absolutely nothing will happen.

It's 50 50 that he'll confess his feelings or that one or the other will lose interest and it'll fizzle out.

Again , disagree all you like. Just my 2 cents

LegacyUser

Thanks again all.

Okay, did a bit of thinking (can be a dangerous thing!). It is not the guy's age. I'm friends with guys 10/15 years older than me.

It is the fact that he is a bit creepy. I dunno, something is "off" with the guy. Herself has said he had a terrible time with the ex wife. He is constantly bad mouthing her, which sets off alarm bells with me. I think it's a bit ****ty of a man to bad mouth an ex (im probably a bit old fashioned that way).

I have met him and he is def cool with me. Herself noticed it too and said he is just shy.

They don't meet up often so it is not a problem. I really don't feel bad enough about it that I would kick off with my wife over it.

osarusan

I don't think you are being over-sensitive.

A scenario is which a man (separated or not) is inviting a married woman out for coffee or to go to gigs together is not usual. Not unheard of by any means, but not usual.

There may be nothing untoward going on, but neither he nor your wife can fail to realise that the situation is unusual. I'd say it's fairly natural to sense something might be off if your partner is being invited out like that by another man.

skallywag

There is no way that I would ever message someone's other half inviting her to a concert unless I knew her partner extremely well myself, and it was a situation where she loved the band and he didn't etc.

The situation would definitely not sit right with me, and I would also be irritated if was the OP.

khaldrogo

In short, no.

Emme

OP I would say this guy is into your wife. I would also say she isn't remotely interested in him. You can voice your concerns with your wife but I think you have nothing to fear.

wiggle16

Hi OP

First of all, I really don't think you should be worried about this. Either this guy has a soft spot for your wife or he is genuinely interested in a friendship. In all likelihood, you will never know for sure, and it really does not matter: it sounds like your wife has it under control, to be honest.

The concert tickets are a little much, in my opinion, but generally speaking all of the things you are worried about can be explained innocently. I think your wife is right - he probably is lonely. Being honest OP, he might creep you out, and that's fine, but it's not relevant. Clearly he doesn't creep your wife out if she is maintaining a friendship with him. And if you trust her, that is all that matters.

Second of all: you see all those people posting saying that you shouldn't worry about it and it is best not to say anything? Listen to them! Don't mention this to your wife, honestly: at best, it will make her feel that she is in a difficult position by being acquainted with this man, when she hasn't done anything wrong. At worst, you will come off as jealous or she could think you don't trust her, or are accusing her of something. I honestly think that if you bring this up with her, you will come off looking and feeling worse.

Put simply, I completely see where you are coming from, but you are being oversensitive - and it sounds like she already has a handle on it either way. So stop worrying!

nikkibikki

Emme wrote:

OP I would say this guy is into your wife. I would also say she isn't remotely interested in him. You can voice your concerns with your wife but I think you have nothing to fear.

I agree with Emme. You should be able to talk to your wife about your feelings. Our gut feelings often tell us more than what we know and your gut here is telling you that his intentions go beyond friendship. Don't try to ban her from seeing him as that will end up in a row but tell her you are worried.

nikkibikki

wiggle16 wrote:

First of all, I really don't think you should be worried about this. Either this guy has a soft spot for your wife or he is genuinely interested in a friendship. In all likelihood, you will never know for sure, and it really does not matter: it sounds like your wife has it under control, to be honest.

Well he is worried so.....it's not really something that can be switched off.

wiggle16 wrote:

The concert tickets are a little much, in my opinion, but generally speaking all of the things you are worried about can be explained innocently. I think your wife is right - he probably is lonely. Being honest OP, he might creep you out, and that's fine, but it's not relevant. Clearly he doesn't creep your wife out if she is maintaining a friendship with him. And if you trust her, that is all that matters.

His feelings about this, and everything else in his life, are of course relevant!

wiggle16 wrote:

Second of all: you see all those people posting saying that you shouldn't worry about it and it is best not to say anything? Listen to them! Don't mention this to your wife, honestly: at best, it will make her feel that she is in a difficult position by being acquainted with this man, when she hasn't done anything wrong. At worst, you will come off as jealous or she could think you don't trust her, or are accusing her of something. I honestly think that if you bring this up with her, you will come off looking and feeling worse.

I honestly think it's a bad idea for couples to not share their feelings on things like this with one another. Left alone, these things can fester and create an element of resentfulness. He's about this guys behaviour and not his wife's behaviour so I don't think he will come across jealous. This guy makes him uncomfortable and justifiably so it seems.

Katgurl

I don't think you have anything to worry about here. That said, if some female ex-colleague was texting my boyfriend with concert tickets for just the two of them I wouldn't like it either. He is either into her or a bit of a twit. But it doesn't sound like it is reciprocated in any way.

LegacyUser

Cheers again lads and ladies.

Was out with herself last night (bit of piece with no kids). We had a chat. She said yer man is just lonely and she is okay with the constant likes/comments on Insta, FB but has turned down invites for coffee and gigs as she feels like a bit of a crutch for him and really doesn't want that as it is not what he needs.

Lads, I def do not feel threatened by this guy. As in, I don't fear he will run off with my missus or anything. He has a creepy vibe about him and I can't shake that.

When I google his Instagram name (okay, I should have better things to do!!) his Insta is private but when I google his Insta ONLY my wife's pics come up, also a few of my kids. It seems to me, hers is the only Insta he comments and likes.....this to me, ain't normal.

She has loads of male friends and I do not have an issue at all with these guys as they are trustworthy, sound lads.

Audioslaven

Anon for now wrote: »

Cheers again lads and ladies.

Was out with herself last night (bit of piece with no kids). We had a chat. She said yer man is just lonely and she is okay with the constant likes/comments on Insta, FB but has turned down invites for coffee and gigs as she feels like a bit of a crutch for him and really doesn't want that as it is not what he needs.

Lads, I def do not feel threatened by this guy. As in, I don't fear he will run off with my missus or anything. He has a creepy vibe about him and I can't shake that.

When I google his Instagram name (okay, I should have better things to do!!) his Insta is private but when I google his Insta ONLY my wife's pics come up, also a few of my kids. It seems to me, hers is the only Insta he comments and likes.....this to me, ain't normal.

She has loads of male friends and I do not have an issue at all with these guys as they are trustworthy, sound lads.

In fairness, you are her husband so he should piss off. I think this is not normal and you are right to be concerned. Your wife has been upfront and I don't think he is getting the hint, granted she likes to support him but he is overstepping the line in my books. She should accept the invite some night and you go as well, he will get the message then.

runningbuddy

Op, I'm a woman btw !

Firstly, def don't think you have anything to worry about regarding your wife having feelings for this guy.

I do think his behaviour is odd though. Does he not have other friends to lean on??

The Instagram is a little odd. I know some people are serial likers but he seems to be OTT.

I have loads of male friends in their forties, some single. Can't see any of them behaving this way.

Ghekko

Audioslaven wrote: »

In fairness, you are her husband so he should piss off. I think this is not normal and you are right to be concerned. Your wife has been upfront and I don't think he is getting the hint, granted she likes to support him but he is overstepping the line in my books. She should accept the invite some night and you go as well, he will get the message then.

Good idea for you to turn up with your wife (or 5 mins later) for coffee if he invites her - you'd very quickly know his intentions by his reaction when seeing you.

Salthillprom

I think it’s fine for your wife to have him as a friend. Try not to let it put you out..unless she has done or said sthg that leads you to think there’s more to this than friendship. You said she’s very sociable. That just explains it really. I have loads of male friends and there is no ulterior motive with them towards me or vice versa. Maybe if you feel weird about their friendship try meeting up with him at same time as your wife is meeting him..and you become his friend too.

suicide_circus

This guy is creeping on your wife and obviously youre not a fan of that, what man would be?

You've communicated your feelings to your wife but she seems to be unwilling to tell this guy to back off which is pretty unfair in my book. How would she feel if you had some woman constantly sniffing round you? Your feelings are not her priority here unfortunately.

Your choices are;

a) put up with it and hope it fizzles out

b) communicate to this chap he needs to piss off

If you go with "b" you'll end up the bad guy and look insecure and may actually end up encouraging the creep. So you'll probably have to go with "a" and adopt a more zenlike approach to the whole thing.

Augme

Honestly OP, so being so insecure. While it's clear this guy likes your wife I don't see why you are getting so bothered about it. As for him being a bit creepy, you're spending your time going through his facebook and instram account to see what he gets up to. That's not exactly normal.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

Honestly OP, so being so insecure. While it's clear this guy likes your wife I don't see why you are getting so bothered about it. As for him being a bit creepy, you're spending your time going through his facebook and instram account to see what he gets up to. That's not exactly normal.

Actually, yes I do think it is normal in this situation. I too would look just to find out a little more about what this guy is all about

Not sure why everything is deemed creepy, why exactly is this creepy?

UsBus

This makes me laugh. If it was the guy going off meeting a girl that the wife didn't like all hell would break loose and he'd be accused of all sorts.
But because it's a woman, the guy is told he's the insecure one and to let it continue. Complete double standard. Inviting another man's wife to gigs.....think I'd be meeting him for coffee that's for sure..

Augme

UsBus wrote: »

This makes me laugh. If it was the guy going off meeting a girl that the wife didn't like all hell would break loose and he'd be accused of all sorts.
But because it's a woman, the guy is told he's the insecure one and to let it continue. Complete double standard. Inviting another man's wife to gigs.....think I'd be meeting him for coffee that's for sure..

If the roles were reversed I'd be telling the guy his wife is a bunny boiler.

JMNolan

Augme wrote: »

If the roles were reversed I'd be telling the guy his wife is a bunny boiler.

Nobody likes someone sniffing around their spouse. And they like it less if their spouse doesn't knock it on the head

power pants

Augme wrote: »

Honestly OP, so being so insecure. While it's clear this guy likes your wife I don't see why you are getting so bothered about it. As for him being a bit creepy, you're spending your time going through his facebook and instram account to see what he gets up to. That's not exactly normal.

Actually I think it is normal.

I too would take a look at his social media, only takes a minute and plain curiosity to see what this person is all about

Why exactly is that creepy?

Augme

power pants wrote: »

Actually I think it is normal.

I too would take a look at his social media, only takes a minute and plain curiosity to see what this person is all about

Why exactly is that creepy?

Maybe it is normal. I guess I'd just have better things to do with my times then spend it looking at the social media accounts of people my partner talks to. I doubt I'd care what this person is all about. Well, unless I was very insecure.

bilbot79

I don't trust the friend!

power pants

Augme wrote: »

Maybe it is normal. I guess I'd just have better things to do with my times then spend it looking at the social media accounts of people my partner talks to. I doubt I'd care what this person is all about. Well, unless I was very insecure.

Less than one minute is all it takes and as the op said, his wife had lots of male friends and has zero issues of being insecure

This doesn't seem like an insecurity issue, more of a curiosity to see if the guy is a bit odd or perhaps harmless

irishman86

I dont get why its insecure to say something to the wife
Is communication something frowned upon in Ireland
I would 100% talk to my wife about it, if something made me uncomfortable
If something made her uncomfortable i would act on it, the whole ignore it advice is just stupid when the guy clearly cant just forget something

Koala Sunshine

Augme wrote: »

Maybe it is normal. I guess I'd just have better things to do with my times then spend it looking at the social media accounts of people my partner talks to. I doubt I'd care what this person is all about. Well, unless I was very insecure.

Do those better things include chatting with strangers on the internet about their relationships issues?

suicide_circus

There are 3 players in this scenario, let's examine their motivations;

Player 1: Covets his neighbours wife. Not unusual.

Player 2: irked at Player 1 paying court to his wife. Not an unusual reaction.

Player 3: Aware of Player 2's feelings on Player 3's attentions toward her but seemingly indifferent.

leggo

suicide_circus wrote: »

There are 3 players in this scenario, let's examine their motivations;

Player 1: Covets his neighbours wife. Not unusual.

Player 2: irked at Player 1 paying court to his wife. Not an unusual reaction.

Player 3: Aware of Player 2's feelings on Player 3's attentions toward her but seemingly indifferent.

I thought along similar lines, like a lot of us will be familiar with the type of girls who subtly covet attention from other guys while denying everything to make their partner jealous.

Then again, try putting yourself in her shoes. I have loads of friends who are women, particularly in work. I rely on these people day to day, be it to get me through work quicker and happier or for particular roles our friendship would centre around, and to lose any of them permanently would make my life significantly worse because I’d miss them. I’m thinking of one who’s, over the years, done the odd thing to suggest she’d be interested as more than a friend. If a partner was to say this to me, I’d have to agree or lie truth be told. However I’m not interested in her that way, she knows I’m not interested...whether she fancies me or not, it’s not relevant nor will it ever be. She’d be an important person in my life that plays a definite role at this stage and I’d say she’d say the same about me. It’d be mental to lose all of that because every now and then, if she’s in a particular mood, she’d wonder “What if?” The friendship, fully realised without having to put boundaries in place, poses zero threat to anybody.

It’s not black and white, that’s why it’s difficult because two sides both likely have valid feelings that we can all relate to. It’s just there’s no easy solution that doesn’t cause one or the other pain.