need serious help

LegacyUser

Hi all, i need advice more than anything. I know i need serious help, but am working on it really hard. I do apologise for this long, long essay, but please read it all - i tried my best to keep it concise.

First of all, i have been with my other half for almost a decade. We have lived together for at least half of it. We are both in our early 30's. At some point we both even worked in the same workplace and that place was extremely toxic and left a mark on our relationship not in a good way.

What happened was that we got so focused on our career goals and trying not to be a couple in a workplace where it was looked down upon; ie, constant remarks of when i was gonna "pop babies", "jumping on a bandwagon", "troublemakers", "that couple" etc. I would constantly be looked down upon as if my decisions were not my own and assumptions from those around that i was saying what my partner was telling me to say whenever i tried to put myself out there and move up with my career. That pretty much caused me to retract into a shell where i had to constantly keep my head down (bosses asked me to keep my head down on numerous occasions). Anyway that caused us to also stop treating each other as their better half - we started behaving like co-workers even at home after working there good few years. Ambitions, money and saving for house was a number one priority.

During that time i also completely cut ties with my family. I was brought up in an abusive environment and for me this was finally time i needed to move on and couldn't bear to be told that it was my fault for being subjected to abuse.

When i fell ill and had to take sickleave, i was in a lot of physical and mental pain. With no other support there apart from him. When i returned to work, i would out few weeks later that i was pregnant. I told him, and his first words were "Are you keeping it?" It completely shattered me, i didn't know what to do. After that everyday he would tell me how he cant afford it, how we cant afford it, and so on. With stress of returning to work and having managers have an eye on me since i had been gone a while, i would just cry non stop. I really had noone else to talk to, i had no mom to go turn to for help. He didn't seem like he wanted to have future with me and all he seemed to care about was cash and how expensive this baby was gonna be. He would talk to his family constantly about how am crying about how unhappy i was - but noone even bothered asking me how i felt. Eventually i ended up in a hospital for few nights due to fears over my health and possibility of ectopic pregnancy. Every scan i had to take i was completely on my own. He wasnt there, no one was. After i was discharged, i returned to work next day, with him still reminding me how he doesnt know how he can afford it. In work things were becoming nighmarish, i could barely focus, let alone stay composed, i was on a brink of a mental breakdown. Eventually i talked to hr from which i got a response of "whatever happens, its for a reason, remember youre leaving a legacy behind", that pretty much sent me down a psychotic spiral after i was told a story about how other ex coworkers wife had passed away and left behind a toddler with her husband. Everything after that is a blur, i just cried and cried and cried. Who would raise a baby if i was gone? Entrusting it to my family was out of question. He seemed more concerned about his wallet than me or the baby. Eventually after another talk he had with his dad i just went "should i get an abortion?" We had a quick chat, i reassured him that our relationship would be fine - big fat lie. And asked him if he wanted to really think about it but i wanted his answer soon. To my surprise, he had me call up the abortion clinic within that half hour. He pretty much yelled at me to get it done asap. So i did.
We went, and i had an abortion. Six days after that i had my annual review and was presented with a statement of how much my sick days have cost to the business, was told they will forego on offering me training till "later date i prove myself to be profitable to business". And i worked my ass off for next 11 months. Crying in the stall, in the bathroom and making a fake smile for everyone. Our engagement had been called off and i hadnt really dealt with my depression, psychological break or trauma of the whole experience till i pretty much quit 6 months ago. Noone knows what happened or what i did, but not a day goes by that i dont regret it. His family doesnt know, and his sister has made a remark before that i should stop playing a victim.

I have good days, theres bad days. Worst was trashing the bathroom, cutting myself and really seriously trying to harm myself. I completely lost control over my actions. There would be days where i would go into a spiral of self loathing and just want to end it all. I become bit of a recluse, its hard to leave the house, i feel like am looked at and hated and judged. I barely keep contact with anyone anymore. Moreover i kind of stopped talking to everyone, almost everyone. I get up and sometimes i just don't even shower for days. I think longest i went on without leaving house at all was 4 weeks. It has gotten better, as am trying to leave the house at least twice every week now. <mod snip - forbidden topic> We still live together, its not like i had anywhere else to go, and at the same time i still have feelings. But trust hasnt just been shattered, its been destroyed. My image of him completely flipped and i dont have as much respect for him now as i used to. There was time where i loathed him, where i wanted him to suffer, he didnt even make an effort to come to any of the ultrasounds i had. I had gone on my own each time.

I think decision we had made had left a huge scar on us both. He sayd he regrets it, he wants to be with me, that he was stupid and so on. Thats fine, i can hear that its genuine, i see that its genuine, i just not sure i can accept it to be genuine because in my head i cannot allow myself to trust again. In my head if i end up never being able to have kids, i will never forgive him or me. In my head i've been trying to end this relationship for past year and a half. But right now am 100% dependent on him, not just financially, but also psychologically - because im completely on my own and got nowhere or no one to turn to there's just nothing stopping me from sinking completely.

That aside, since abortion i've realised just how bad our communication was. We enevr once sad down and actually talked about it without him bringing up costs or me bursting into tears and getting hurt by his selfish attitude. In his head, he thought everything would be over, easy peasy, we get to save more = happy family in 3 years time. For me it was the whole he doesnt want me or the child, how will i raise it on my own, will i end up on the street? Will i be able to provide on my salary alone - with retarded rent and a baby on my hands i wouldnt even be able to partly cover the creche and at work i was told i wouldn't be allowed to come back to work early despite the fact that maternity break wasnt paid by company and i would only be eligible to about 900 quid from social welfare a month. So in my head that relationship was already over when he picked his career over me and baby.

Since then, i'm not me. I've gotten better, but really i needed therapy but i had refused it. Still am refusing it (bad experience with a counsellor sent me over the edge in the past - where woman spent 30 minutes convincing me that my family loves me and that i was telling her a story that should stay a story about how i was being abused and molested as a child and my mom telling me it was my own fault).
Hes working hard to encourage me, hes working hard to show me that he is there and he really is. He cried and begged me not to leave him and apologised over and over but in my head its not that i dont hear it - its that im refusing to accept it. He truly truly regrets everything but he cant change anything. He's lost a lot of his confidence. Hes not as arrogant as he used to be. The energetic cheeky spark is almost completely dimished in him and i can see it is also my fault. Im dragging him down. He wants me to be happy, he wants me to get better and be like before. But im struggle sometimes to even have any hope for the future. I just have really really hard time allowing myself to place this much trust in a person again. Everything i had gone through when i was growing up led me to have really hard time believing and trusting people, and this is one of those times where my head tells me it should be over. I cannot trust a person like this that treated me like that once. But at the same time, i do know that we were both influenced by the toxicity from that workplace on top of not communicating.

I just dont know what to do, i want a future, i know we both have grown from this experience, but im not sure how much love we have left for each other. He wants me to marry him, but im struggling to say i want the same with him. I am afraid and i am constantly pulling myself back and reminding myself of what happened and sometimes i try to find ways of blaming him for everything, but the fact is, we're both to blame, equally so and i dont know how to fix it or if it is even worth fixing.

Thanks,
Allie

Neyite

Allie, would you try another counsellor? To be honest, even one of those things could affect a person, but you had a toxic job, relationship issues, family issues and a crisis pregnancy resulting in a termination all at once.

Frankly, I'm in awe that you are still standing after all that. I'm not sure that I would be.

But you need to process your thoughts on all of those things, and finding a counsellor that suits you can take a while. Perhaps start with the biggest one - post termination counselling. Positive Options list counsellors here that you can contact, just be aware that Cura and Anew may not be the best fit for you, as they are Faith based and have anti-abortion ethos. Perhaps try to find ones that have expertise in post-termination counselling as they may be better suited.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response. I really do want to consider counseling, but i'm scared. Its taken me several months and in last 3 weeks i was finally able to take a deep breath and start letting go of things bit by bit. I'm done with grieving, i'm starting to try and forgive and let go, even if its hard.

I just don't know whether i should try to move on or fix this relationship that's been hell of a roller coaster for both of us (i really wanna say me, but that would be selfish). Am i too quick in planning my escape and tossing blame on someone else just so i could avoid looking at my own mistakes? Or am i just too blind to see that this relationship isn't going to work.

WIZWEB

Allie you have my empathy for what is an awful predicament. However you need to engage with professional services to facilitate your mental health recovery. You've obviously experienced a serious depressive episode but if continuing or clinical you will need therapeutic interventions. You also disclose a former poor counselling experience. It's always recommended to 'shop around' until you find a good fit. There's also historical and current evidence of how you regulate your emotions around the thoughts and actions of others. That's a battle you'll never win. I suggest engaging in se vices to increase self care and worth. The onus being on SELF. Your needs have possibly been lost while you constantly regulate your positioning to manage uncomfortable interactions with others. Early childhood traumas combined with poor familial attachments will certainly motivate such toxic scenarios in later adult interactions unless addressed.

You share some evidence that your partner is now making some efforts. That's a huge positive that can be developed upon if desired. Perhaps with the help of joint counselling if you choose to stay in this relationship. Ultimately you have lots of choices here. If the status quo remains a negative self fulfilling prophesy will eventually occur. However with professional help further positive choices will appear as the emotional fog clears as you are given tools to cope and develop. Otherwise early childhood triggers combined with growing resentment and new stressors will only add to your wows.

Xterminator

Hi Ally

Are you familiar with the phrase cutting your nose off to spite your face? you are sabotaging any chance of a good relationship with the current path you are on. your actions are punishing him, and yourself!

If upon mature reflection you no longer wish to be in a relationship with your partner, it could be ended on a better note than this. with counselling you can learn from mistakes made, even if you (or he) decide not reconcile.

If upon reflection you are willing to give this relationship a chance to attempt to bridge the gulf that is between you and get to a place where love can grow, this is not the way.

so counselling is not we re-affirm our marriage vows, its for you to find your independent self. To get the tools to deal with whats going on in your head. To make a decision on whats best for you, and your relationship - not stay together out of fear, or split up blaming each other.

You need to get help and by posting here you have acknowledged this. Its a big step, but one in the right direction.